Older mum struggling to fit in

[Kaz1805]

Afternoon all,
This is my first ever forum post, so please be kind 🙏
I am a first time mum, aged 43, to my 5 month old DS.
I've just tried a baby class and none of the other mums talked to me, not even a hi. This is not the first time this has happened. We did a baby massage course before Christmas and I just didn't gel with any of the other mums. I'm a friendly person and am starting to wonder how I can go about breaking the ice, because my age seems to be a barrier. Yes it's only a class, but these mums will likely send their children to the same local school in the future and I don't want DS to be left out in any way because if me.
Are there any older mums out there who could give me some advice please? xx

It may not be your age.
I was 22 when I had DS and went to lots of different baby activities and toddler groups, I think two or three people were interested in interacting with me at all, everyone already seemed to know each other.
Hated those groups!

I went to a baby whatsit, when my son was about 8 weeks and was ignored by every person in the room.

It was bloody awful. The atmosphere in the room was like the second or 2 after a bell has been rung.
It's stopped ringing, but the sound waves keep hitting your ear.

I went home and cried... and I was 31. Some people at these places are just awful. So, you have my sympathy, OP. x

And congratulations, by the way. 👍🏻

I’ve never fit in at baby groups. Not in my 20’s or my 40’s they aren’t friendly places for me, some people make lots of friends there 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ve been to a few different classes. Made a friend at one who I occasionally still see but all the rest it’s always me that seems to initiate conversation that comes to a halt. I just assumed no one wants to make friends which is fine I guess.

but if you go next week then try saying hi to them, at least to whoever you’re sitting next to, even if you just complement their babies outfit or something

Also just wanted to add, the class I hated where all the other mams seemed to already have friendship groups and didn’t want to talk was my most local one so it’s a shame I didn’t make any friends there. The one I made a friend at was actually about 30mins drive away (was a specific type of class which is why I went all that distance)

I don’t think baby groups are very successful for meeting new friends. The few I went to, I went with NCT mums, or another existing friend. No one seemed to be there to make friends.

It all changed at pre-school, and mums of all ages were the same.

Thanks so much for all your messages, it's great to have other points of view. I will make more effort next week to say hi, but accept this might not be the group for me xx

I think it helps if you go to a couple of groups where you see the same mums repeatedly. As PP say, try saying hi,!it’s difficult but concentrate on your baby. Also some mums know they are going back to work soon so don’t need to make long term “baby friends “ . They are just killing time with their baby.
my SIL was an older mum and her health visitor introduced her to some older mums.

I had my first at 29 and I found baby classes to be a very unfriendly social group! Either people already knew each other and kept in groups, or everyone else never mingled.

Honestly I don't think it's an age thing, I just think they're very weird environments. Really they shouldn't be, cos we're all in the same boat, but they are!

It's not you.
I was 33 when I had my baby and was constantly told to take him to baby classes by the HV, family etc.
I hated them. I found no one talked to me. Few mums who already knew each other so they'd just talk to each other. Found them quite depressing tbh.

You have to find your thing. Try different places. It's also somehow easier when babies are more mobile so they will wander round a toddler group and that can spark a conversation.
Don't be disheartened. Maybe it's not the group for you.

It might be an age thing but I haven't found any baby groups to really be friendly. Remember we're also post covid so a lot of people have a standoffish baseline that's just become second nature.
It's taken me 2 years to have one nanny chat to me at toddler football. 😄
There are apps for mum friends you could try?

I've always heard bad things about mum and baby groups- that they're cliquey. I am sure the problem is not you x

I had a short maternity leave and ended up going to a church group. The only person I regularly bump into to speak to was the youngest mum there who was in her twenties. I was the oldest mum there at 43.

In regards to your son - one of my friends' with older children pointed out that while you may stay and talk to the parents for the first one or two playdates after that you just drop them and pick them up.

I have had the misfortune in the past of visiting one of my siblings while their kid was having a playdate and having to make polite conversation with a couple for over an hour. Ahhhhhhh...

I found structured baby groups rubbish for making friends. I much preferred drop ins like a bumps and babies. They were more focused on having a cuppa and just letting the babies be.

Much more my thing.

All of them? What are the odds of that? Did you introduce yourself, chat to them? I think sometimes mums turn up thinking everyone else in the room knows each other and are really cosy but they don’t, they’re just chatty.

Hi @Kaz1805 i'm 41 and have a 3 month old DD. I totally hear you, i've seen mum's of similar age (20's) chatting a few times and i've felt left out.
I've started conversations with the mum's now, i thought i might not be young young but i have a great personality which i'm sure you do too and that's what counts!! Xx

I don't think it's age, I remember I had to try lots of different baby groups before I found ones that felt friendly, and then I had to attend those consistently before I made connections with the other mums. Looking back, my expectations were too high at first, so I felt ignored when in fact I was just a new face who might never be back, when people were chatting to their existing friends.

Stick with it and try different groups, and you will find some that suit you.

Try different groups, but I didn't find baby groups good for socialising at all.
Much better once DD was at school but even then, bear in mind that many 'Mum' friendships are quite transactional but certainly make going to parks and birthday parties more bearable!

Oh, it was my fault, @Cuppasoupmonster .

I wish you had been there at the time, to give me a much needed dressing down.

Of course i tried talking to the other mums. 🙄

Did you try to chat to anyone, introduce yourself or your baby? Some of these groups can seem unfriendly but you have to put yourself out there. I’ve had a baby at 34 and 41 and being an older mum didn’t make any difference you just have to be willing to put in what you want to get out of it.

You didn’t include that bit, that’s all 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oh and just to add, I would definitely try and few different ones, I found some of the church playgroups were awesome, some of the more organised sensory groups were a bit hit and miss.

www.peanut-app.io/

I believe these guys do meet ups

I really do understand that it's not everyones cup of tea but I had to force myself to engage in small talk, coo over babies when my own might have been screaming and show interest in lots of other Mums before I found my friends- we're still close after 16 years going through many many changes and ups and downs. It is possible. The age range in our group was from early 20's to late 40's and even one lady in her early 50's who was new to the area and a foster mum who just wanted to hang out for a coffee once a week.

Im an older mum with 2 dcs. My first post natal group was awful, didnt make a single friend. Child 2's group, I ended up with a group of 5 of us who hung out together with the babies, it was a life saver since I hadnt had that before and was isolated with baby 1. However, it does just show that gelling with people in kiddie groups can be a bit random in terms of whether it will work or not. Not sure there is an answer. Tho personally I also found baby gym class good for making friends (or friend! But shes still my best mate!) since you sit around while your baby crawls and clambers so it kind of has a focus yet theres time to chat, plus people go weekly so you see the same faces. Persevere. It will happen. And if not now, when baby goes to pre-school or school - I picked up a couple more life friends there too (and I am hideously anti-social and hard to get to know!! 😆)