How to get through the newborn stage

[Srx1]

My baby is almost 2wo and we are struggling so much with the sleep/not being able to settle down.

He was ok in the first few days and now it's just different each day. He sleeps ok during the day and he will stay in the cot but come evening - he won't settle in the cot which makes it impossible for me to sleep. He's happily gonna fall asleep in my arms or on the boob if he was just fed but if i try to move him from the bed to the cot he won't settle.
I don't want to co-sleep so can't leave him in the bed, i want him to have a good routine and stay in his cot.

To make things even more challenging, i have mastitis.

All this plus the loud crying makes it really hard for my husband to bond with him (although i know it can take some time for dads) which makes me feel even worse about the whole situation.

All this has been discussed with the midwives etc and i know everyone says it will get better but i don't know how to cope on a day to day basis. i'm dreading each night.

How are you splitting the nights with your husband? If your baby won't be put down easily, you should go to bed early and get a good few hours and leave him with your husband. Then swap so he can get some sleep. (Or if your baby feeds more in the evening, send your husband to bed early, then you sleep later when the baby is feeding less). Whoever has him can keep trying to get him in his cot, but the other person should be sleeping. If he needs feeding while you're sleeping, feed him in bed then have DH take him away again.

Also make sure you're napping when he's in the cot during the day.

It’s hard OP. It’s such a shock to the system, it’s totally ok and normal to feel how you feel 💐

Trying to have a routine at this stage is also futile, they don’t even develop the hormones to know night from day until about 12 weeks, and after that sleep changes so often any routine needs to be constantly reworked (except in a very few unicorn babies). For your own sanity my best advice is to drop any thoughts of routine and just try and go with the flow.

Honestly the only way is safe bedsharing. You’ll both get more sleep if you just sleep where you lie, instead of trying to transfer. Their biology really has them wanting physical contact with us at all time for their own safety, they’re generally happiest just with/on us, in a sling in the day and close to us in bed at night. Are you concerned about the safety of bedsharing? Because it’s very easy to remove hazards.

This is a good article to read to understand where your baby is coming from
www.carolsmyth.co.uk/breastfeeding-resources/posts/2020/august/breastfeeding-normal-baby-behaviours-in-an-abnormal-society/

Right, toughen up time! You're a big bag of hormones so it's easy for everything to feel awful.

Mastitis - do what the doc says but also just go to bed with the baby, rest and feed and very little else.

Stop worrying about DH's bond. Your not his mother. You can help him find a role, but it's going to be household stuff like cooking at this point. Plenty of time for him to be more hands on with the baby later, now it's mainly keeping things going.

Both of you find something you can do every day just for you - a 5 min walk, a bath, a podcast etc. Get fresh air when you can.

You're wrestling with the cot conundrum - co sleeping is likely the answer, look up the safe sleeping rules even if you don't want to do it yet. Chances are one night you'll end up co-sleeping, you need to be able to do it safely.

Take a look online at what 3 or 4 month old babies are like. Smiling, using hands, lifting heads etc. In the blink of an eye, that will be your baby. This bit is gruelling, but think of it as basically providing a lab environment that replicates what your baby had in the womb. Milk, rest, cosiness. Don't worry about anything else right now.

You need to forget about the concept on night for now and accept routine won't be possible for a short while. Can you sleep whilst your DH holds the baby? I had a cushion (bresteasy) which the baby slept on my lap and was/still am able to sneakily transfer cushion plus baby to DH without waking baby otherwise baby would scream. My baby started sleeping in the cot at around 7 weeks and I survived on 3 or 4 hours sleep sometimes as I also wanted to avoid co sleeping. Sometimes DH I would alternate night shifts although I'd get up for feeds. Really rough but it passed in a blur. Around 7 / 8 weeks I managed to get baby comfortable with taking night time naps in the cot which was inconceivable earlier on as baby would scream if put down.

Try to avoid counting hours you've slept too... it doesn't help

Ps I know it sounds naff but I found singing helped when the baby cried. Makes time pass less slowly, might soothe the baby, makes you breathe more deeply so you calm down. Even a little hum can help.

Thank you everyone.

The thing is he feeds often, every hour, but feeds only for 10ish minutes, then falls asleep - but wakes up if you try to move him to somewhere/someone. My mum has also been helping but she's leaving soon. If she or my husband take over, soon enough they will have to wake me up as he will want to feed. I was thinking of expressing but the midwives told me that might mess up my mastitis even more and I understand that.

I do try to nap if he's asleep but i feel like this is more possible during the day when he seems to nap for longer, during the night it's every hour he wants more.

For example today he hasn't been in the cot much, he was always in someone's arms or on the bed all cosy but with someone watching him.

@BuffaloCauliflower thank you, yes partly because of the safety concerns but also my husband doesn't want to get into that habit of us sharing the bed with the baby- he believes it will affect our relationship.

I understood babies need the physical contact and I'm happy to give this to him but are you saying too much of it will not affect his ability to sleep on his own later on?

@Dogtooth thank you - my husband takes our dogs for a big walk every day and that is his time for normality, I do little bits that make me feel normal but will do even more when I get into a good rhythm with everything.
Definitely understand now he won't bond much until the baby is more aware of everything and yes definitely helps to remind myself how babies are when a bit older and how it should be then.

@Olios oh thanks I will look up the cushion! So did you have lots of physical contact with the baby and still could be left in the cot later on? I'm so worried he'll get used to be held too much that he won't be able to go in the cot later. How did you get your baby used to the cot?

@BuffaloCauliflower that article you shared was so interesting! I was thinking, before reading it, how cats and dogs for example always have their babies with them to feed and sleep with and why is it so different for humans.

@Srx1 just wondering how you're getting on?
My little one is 8 weeks old and I'm finding it tough! She won't really nap for long in the cot during the day, cluster feeds for hours in the evening, but by some miracle does go in the cot at night when she's finally ready for bed.

@Geranium1984 mine is 6weeks now and we're all over the place! It's different each day. He had a phase where he'd sleep on the bed next to me. Then on me. Now he's been sleeping in the cot during the night and in the early morning on me as he feeds. Once i change him and wake him up he won't settle in the cot. During the day he naps where he can 😩 on someone, in the bouncy chair, in the pram/carrier if we're out. Sometimes in the cot if we get lucky.. He's sleeping in my arms as I type this. The thing is we have some problems feeding+wind+reflux so it gets messy in the evenings . I'm trying to get him to sleep in the cot but he feeds randomly, then gets upset while I'm trying to hold him upright then gets wriggly, vomits and is unsettled. So i have to start all over. And hope he'll settle for the night in the cot by 11ish😞

Sounds exactly the same as us! I think tummy/wind/reflux are the issue. It's not severe enough for medication but is obviously making her uncomfortable.
We have around one big vomit a day, usually during the evening feed. Every time I put her down to sleep during the day she either wriggles around and wakes instantly or will sleep for 10 - 30mins max. Even out walking in the pram, or on me.
I feel like my entire day is spent trying to get her to sleep or stay asleep 😒
I've got a toddler and he was an alright sleeper until we hit the 4 month sleep regression and it was horrific for months. I really don't want another year of battling sleep like I did with him 😪

@Geranium1984 I feel you! Yes similar here... I don't know how you and others do it with more than one child😅 I feel like I can't do much at all as I'm either holding him or if I put him down I am counting down when is he gonna start crying. I hope this is all normal at this stage?
His reflux is also not severe enough for medication so trying to keep him calm and upright but that can take a while and by the end of it he wants to feed again so it's constant 😄

Watching this thread. Thanks for all the advice guys. My little preemie is 3 weeks old (39 weeks corrected) and will feed very little and often and isn't keen on being put down.

@PeanuttyButter Welcome! It's different every day! 😅 how is your feeding going?

I've got mastitis 🫣 am on antibiotics now and feeling much better.
We are now screaming a lot from 5-8pm and she won't nap during that time.
I think she might be getting a bit too over stimulated during the day. I'm really noticing if she's on her playmat for a while she starts waving her arms and legs quite frantically. So I'll try and keep her chilled today if I can.
I've been reading a bit and seems this phase should be over by about 3 months... counting down!

@Geranium1984 ohh I'm so sorry about mastitis, I had it from the second week and it was horrible, I was on antibiotics for 3 weeks. Hang in there!
It's so tricky I know. I also know it is hard to advise as everyone is different. My boy had an ok week last week where he didn't have such a bad reflux or wind and I have been trying to keep him calm, not overstimulated with lights, TV etc. also been trying to put him down for naps more often as I think he would get overtired and scream a lot. We are having some feeding issues though so that isn't helping and I'm considering pumping out milk.