Can’t cope anymore

[cloudydays2]

I have a nearly three week old baby who just doesn’t settle at all, I can’t get anything done, I don’t take care of myself at all and my mental health is failing big time. She cries constantly and doesn’t sleep at night, I feel like I’ve failed her and that she doesn’t like me at all, I’ve spoke to hv and gp but I just get told it’s the baby blues and it will pass. Part of me feels like I’ve made a huge mistake and I feel so guilty it’s killing me feeling this way

Well done for speaking up.

you’ve done nothing wrong. This will pass and it will get better and you will be ok.

She does not hate you.

You’re shattered and overwhelmed and hormonal.

What support do you have? Parents, DP/DH, siblings?

I have so much support from my fiancé and my parents and his parents, he’s stressed aswell and he’s also a lorry driver so he’s out and about early hours till late and I worry about him driving whilst tired so I try to take on the majority or night feeds

It's so hard and such an adjustment. What help do you have? Is partner helpful? It's early days and honestly I found myself in tears on the floor so many times throughout the first year, hormones are crazy. The HV shouldn't just say oh baby blues, although they did this to me too. Made me feel stupid and overreacting. Can you get baby in the buggy, go for a walk and get yourself a coffee or lunch? Also I would say that if baby is fed and changed then he/she can go in the bouncy chair whilst you shower or make food, sometimes they have to cry. Showering and eating is a basic need. Could you enrol in a class to meet other mums? I hope you're OK, it's the hardest thing having a tiny baby depend on you 24/7 with no breaks :-(

That’s good that you have support. Can you ask people to go for a walk with baby while you have a bath or a nap? It might not be for long but those pockets of rest can keep you going.

The crying is awful and draining. Have you tried a sling yet? Both of mine only settled when on the move with me. My eldest in particular would only settle if I was moving and doing hoovering at one point (my house was so clean but I was exhausted!).

@Christmaslover2022 yes, I remember breakdowns due to exhaustion and hormones also.

One in particular where I had a meltdown because I just could not get the babies clothes put away. Thought I was horrible mother because his little clothes were in a laundry basket not the drawers! In reality it’s because I was taking care of him - and hey! He had clean clothes.

@cloudydays2 not saying this to trivialise your experience, but showing you we all went through it and came out the other side

It will get better, although it may not seem that way now. It takes time for you to adjust to being a mum.
Forget about getting things done for now, no one expects you to have a show home, produce fabulous meals or to have glossy hair and perfect make up.
What do mean by not settling? Is she in pain, or hungry, too hot, too cold or just wants her mum? It also takes time for you to recognise her needs, a hungry cry is different to a baby in pain cry. It’ll come.

This was my normal, 25 years ago. The HVs then would just say "it's colic, it will get better". No idea if it was colic but it did get better. Eventually the calm and pleasant waking hours exceed the hours of crying and you start to take pleasure in how your child is developing. They start to smile, recognise you, laugh, show affection etc. It doesn't seem like it now but this stage passes quickly and you'll start to feel yourself again soon. Just hang on in there and maybe join a local Mum and baby group? That helped me so much.

Does she sleep much during the day? With one of my babies I had to adjust to their needs rather than fit them in with mine. This was difficult as I already had a toddler who was in a routine but baby’s needs where quite the opposite of that routine. I put my toddler in nursery so that I could nap when baby napped as we didn’t get much sleep during the night. Nothing was done either, I ate ready meals (healthy ones) and my toddler had lots of picky plate meals. My husband worked away 6 days a week so it was just us. We barely left the house for months as I was too knackered and my baby didn’t settle in the pram or a sling. The washing was done but never put away. Fortunately we have a dishwasher so dirty dishes weren’t piled high. Showers were quick 1-2 minutes and I could have had shares in dry shampoo companies. We didn’t have much support. What got me through it all was knowing that it was temporary, and temporary it was. It started getting better around 4 months and gradually improved each month after that. We’re now 18 months in a life is great again.

what you’re going through right now is normal. On top of having an unsettled baby - you have recently given birth and you’re knackered. Let go of the pressures of keeping life as it used to be and just let this new life flow, adjusting yourself to your baby’s needs. Once that pressure is off you will feel more relaxed and just know that it’s not for long. In 6 months things will have improved a lot and you’ll start seeing glimpses of your old life and routine again. Hang in there <3

I can’t tell what’s unsettling her, she’s winding well, she feeds when she needs, her nappy has been changed, she just won’t sleep, until after 12 in the day and then back up at like 6pm and that’s her up and down till the morning ! I’m so lucky I have such good support, I’m holding on to it getting better, but right now it feels never ending, I tried to take a walk to Tesco this morning and she just screamed the full time in there, my confidence is completely gone at the moment when it comes to taking her out alone

Have you tried a dummy?

She spits it out after a few seconds 😭

I no how you feel lovely I have a soon to be 6 week old and it's been hell.. she has finally after countless calls to health visitors whom I might add are shit.. countless gp trips and 2 a&e apps been diagnosed with CMPA and serve reflux all this after being fobbed off for 3 weeks to be told by health professionals over the phone yes over the phone not in person that she just has colic it will pass not sure how they can make any diagnoses over the bloody phone 😡 it took 4 doctors to look at her yesterday and then finally one consultation believed me when he saw her in a&e yesterday after she had her bottle and that supposedly rash on her face and body which everyone keep saying was baby acne blew up and then her breathing went funny I am so pissed off she had been failed by this system big time I have phone health visitors everyday not once did they offer me a face to face app or home visit,. The gp tried to help as much as they could by referring her however it got rejected as it was only put down as reflux they didn't add the part about a CMPA investigation 🤦🏻‍♀️now we have to start that whole process again.. I have spent a fortune on new bottles and teats aswell as changing her milk 4 times it's been hell.. I feel like I have been robbed of my time with her as all she has done is scream in pain constantly for 3 weeks.. I am so so angry I have 3 children in total 2 whom are much older and when I had them I never in my life experienced all this at all the health visitors back then were amazing now it seems they're so under staffed that babies like mine are having serious medical issues undiagnosed.. if they had listened to me weeks ago then it wouldn't of got to this point.. this whole experience has put me off having anymore children and now I feel like post pnd I had dealt with years ago is coming back..

Sorry for the rant needed to get that off my chest.. honestly lovely everyone on these groups are hear and will support you when needed especially as most of us are up all hours feeding or feeding and internet shopping lol xx

Sometimes a good rant to strangers helps !! It’s such a horrible experience not being able to enjoy your baby, I beat myself up everyday !! I’m glad to hear they finally listened to you even that’s a weight off ur shoulders! It’s a long road ahead but we will all get there and wonder what all the fuss is about I hope !

How are you getting on op?

It's been 3 weeks, give yourself a break (literally, if possible). You're far from alone, not everyone is all sunshine and rainbows after having a baby, it's a massive change but honestly, the most difficult aspects of parenting a tiny baby won't be difficult forever.

@brookln im doing so much better ! Got myself to the gp and on some tablets which have helped wonders ! Still have some bad days but no where near what I felt to begin with. Thank you for checking in on me, motherhood is difficult but it does have amazing rewarding moments ☺️

Glad to hear. My little one is 17 weeks and I also struggled in the first few weeks - he constantly cried (colic / reflux) and I just couldn't cope seeing him so miserable and in constant pain.

It has shifted after 12 weeks. I still have days when I'm completely overwhelmed and do struggle, but nothing like those first few weeks.
You're doing a great job. X

@brookln thats exactly how my little girl is, crying constantly, sick and clingy the now! It’s very difficult but I have a lot of help thankfully which really does make all the difference

Morning lovely I have been there twice…I remember phoning my mum once hysterical saying I have to give her grandson up for adoption. Fast forward 17 & 6 years later and those babies are my life. Although at times it’s unbearable it DOES get easier. Make sure you get as much support as you can so you can take a breather, have a nap, watch a programme and get out as much as you can. I used to put white noise on for my babies when they slept and I found it soothed them and they slept better. My 6 year old still has it on now at night.
As hard as it is try and take each hour at a time and arrange some time for you. It will pass I promise you. Sending you big hugs x