Feeling so lost after having second child

[LostMumofTwo]

Shall try and put in to words how I'm feeling in the hope I'm not the only one.

Currently 4 months postpartum and am struggling with motivation to do anything or go anywhere with DC2 on the days DC1 is at nursery.

I go and do things like food shopping but the thought of going anywhere else kind of fills me with dread. I can't remember being like this with DC1.

I find myself feeling completely lost with house admin which considering I have three days without a toddler at my feet shouldn't be hard.

DC1 has allergies which I'm trying to challenge but my brain just doesn't seem to have the capacity to be consistent with it and DC2 I think has many of the same allergies which I'm trying to figure out by eliminating so many things from my diet and thinking it would just be easier if they were bottle fed - but of course they won't take a bottle so that's another to try and solve.

I just feel I'm somewhat letting them both down and not coping.

I didn't want to read and run. These first few months post partum are hard, aren't they? I've found DC2 much harder than DC1. Don't worry about house admin, do the bare minimum to get by. I'm 9 months into DC2 and still find it impossible to fit in housework etc. Does your DH do his fair share?

When you're feeling crappy it's hard to feel motivated but whack baby in the pram and go for a walk, or pop baby in the car, grab a drive through coffee and go and park somewhere pretty while they nap. Just having some headspace without having to actively entertain the baby helps me.

Mine refused all bottles until he randomly took one from DH at about 8 months old. I'm now in the process of trying to replace breastfeeding with bottle feeding. It's slow progress but it is progress!

Do you think speaking to your gp/health visitor may help?

PND can sometimes make you feel like you don’t want to leave the house. Do you think that might be a possibility?

I suspect you’ve just forgotten how long the newborn bubble of not doing a lot lasts. Life is pretty full on working part time and looking after a toddler, so to now suddenly be at home a lot more and have a slower pace of life is going to be quite a difference to adapt to.

The allergies sound very overwhelming to deal with to. A lot of headspace given to that I’m sure, probably making you feel shattered on top of any sleep deprivation.

I definitely don’t think you’re alone in struggling with finding a new normal with an addition to the family. I very much doubt you are letting anyone down (DC2 definitely won’t be aware!)

When you're feeling crappy it's hard to feel motivated but whack baby in the pram and go for a walk, or pop baby in the car, grab a drive through coffee and go and park somewhere pretty while they nap. Just having some headspace without having to actively entertain the baby helps me.
This is really good advice. My twins are three months and I do sometimes visit the local Starbucks drive thru just so I’m not having to be holding a baby! It’s a godsend.

Thank you for all your kind words.

I know DC2 probably won't notice but you know when you feel like you should be taking them to more things.

I don't think it helps DSis in law had her first 5 weeks before me and take them to so many activities. Maybe that's just the difference between first and second.

I find myself needing the chilled days to prepare for the days I have both.

DH is very house proud so definitely does his share of the housework.

Didn't want to read and run. I know you posted this a little while back but I wanted to check how you were doing? I'm 4 weeks PP and struggling with all of this too, it's been 10 years since my last baby, so I had forgotten all of this. I also have a very clingy baby which I don't think is helping. I'm lucky if I get him down for 5 mins for me to grab the quickest shower in the world without him screaming his head off! Have things improved for you at all?

Hi @Noonoo88 It's not perfect but a definite improvement 🙌🏻 we've settled into a bit more of a routine and I've been forcing myself to go and take both to playgroup and to the park. DS is a lot happier about his little sister being here and is starting to entertain her.
DD allergies are a bit more in control. She still loves to cat nap but is happier to play on the floor for a bit so I can get some stuff done.
I always used to sit DD in front of the shower as it seems to entertain her seeing the water on the doors.
DS hated being put down and lay flat because he had silent reflux. Is there an chance this could be why he hates being put down.
Hang on in there 🤍

@LostMumofTwo you know you could be right, he's an incredibly sicky baby even after copious winding after feeds, and very often writhes around crying and clenching and unclenching his fists. Do you think that's what it could be? He's definitely way sickier when he lies flat, we have had to prop his Moses basket up on a towel to elevate him a bit, I'm scared he will choke at night. I'm so glad to hear things have improved for you slightly! It's amazing how much you appreciate the really small things when you have a new baby isn't it?! Having a shower and loading the dishwasher feels like the biggest accomplishment 😂 we are gradually edging towards a routine here, he feeds every three hours which helps to plan things, and he's started going down and waking for night feeds at regular times so hopefully we are on our way to a more settled time 🧡

Well SIL does not have a demanding toddler to contend with does she! It's like comparing apples and oranges. I remember when I had my first, I met someone at a baby group who also had a 3 yr old who was at nursery. She said she only went to one group a week. I was in absolute awe that she could even leave the house, just could not get my head around how anyone could handle a baby AND an older child. You need the downtime at the moment.

Just thought I'd check how you were getting on @Noonoo88

@LostMumofTwo he's six weeks old tomorrow, and still a complete nightmare. He's never awake and content, he's either asleep (after a looooong fight) or awake and screaming. I don't go anywhere because why would I want to with a miserable screaming baby. I've tried absolutely everything at this point - cuddling, rocking, sling/carrier, bouncer chair, a Rockit device, white noise, projector, snuggle pod, infacol, colief, gripe water, burping, dummies, different bottles for feeding, different milk, walking in the buggy, rides in the car, swaddling, baths, you name it and I've tried it. Nothing has worked and I'm at a complete loss what to do 😭 how are you doing?

@Noonoo88 I'm so sorry to hear this! Have you explored the possibility he's allergic to dairy?
Both of mine are. The first we didn't figure out until they were 8 months so they were hell as a newborn and we realise now the silent reflux they had was triggered by the allergies.
DD has the same so I'm having to cut a lot of stuff out of my diet (I miss chocolate 😩) and trying to convince her to take a bottle. She's very settled in the day but still loves a cat nap and wakes a few times at night so not perfect but I'll take it.

Yeah we've tried going dairy free the last two weeks and it's not making any difference, in fact I think he's worse. I think he just has colic and it's going to happen no matter what we try. The only saving Grace at the moment is he is sleeping well at night (he'll go down around 9-10pm And wake at 2-3am for a feed and will usually go back down again till 6-7am) and the fact he's starting to smile. It's very infrequent as he is often crying but very occasionally we will get a small smile and it's giving me some hope at least. I know this will end, and probably sooner than I think, but my god does it feel never ending right now! Glad your LO is doing better, I wish you luck with the bottle taking, it's not an easy transition I know 💐

@LostMumofTwo we've just been prescribed infant gaviscon to try and help settle him. Saw the health visitor yesterday and she suggested he could have silent reflux (perhaps not so silent with the vomits we've been having the last week 😳) I'm praying this could be the answer to our screaming woes!

Oh @Noonoo88 I know the pain! My first had silent reflux and we ended up going through various meds to settle it. Lansoprazole was the one that worked the most for us.
I know you mention you've tried dairy free but it can take up to 4 weeks to be out of your system fully if breastfeeding and you'd need a prescription formula if bottle/combi feeding. Soya can also have the same effects so it's advised not to use that as a replacement whilst cutting out the dairy.
I was told silent reflux is just a symptom of an underlying cause rather than a stand alone illness if that makes sense.
There's a couple of FB groups I found helpful
Living with Reflux (Child Support)
CMPA Support
Really hope the gaviscon gives you both some respite as I know how draining it can be with a baby who never seems settled x