Hate other people holding my Baby - is this normal?

[OhWomanOhMan]

I really hate other people holding my baby. I don’t mind so much for a minute or two but for any longer I feel so anxious and like bursting into tears. I’ve had to take baby back and the baby dad’s mother gets seriously offended and unhappy with me, and I feel so bad for offending her but she doesn’t understand that I just want my baby back. My baby daughter was unplanned and I wanted to keep her from the start, others wanted her aborted and didn’t care if I kept her or not. I’ve had her inside me for 9 months and now I feel others are trying to take her away from me, I’m so tearful and anxious. I just want her for myself. Am I selfish? Is this abnormal? I feel so possessive of her and I can’t help it. Especially as I’ve never been interested in holding other people’s baby’s as I’ve always felt it’s not my right to, but everyone else seems to think they are entitled to my baby. I feel terrible and I don’t know what to do or how to change how I feel, someone please help!

I felt like this with my first. Maybe not quite so strongly as you describe, but I certainly didn’t feel relaxed about other people holding her and ‘pass the baby’ really stressed me out. I had my second in lockdown and it was utter bliss not having to go through that again.

They’re now perfectly happy and confident children and I’m happy with people being close with them because I know they can assert their own boundaries.

I’m sure you’ll get lots of replies saying you have depression or anxiety, but I actually think it’s pretty normal. When you look at the animal world, they become very distressed if others approach their young. It’s a very innate and healthy response I think. You are your baby’s protector and that feeling loses its intensity as they grow.

I felt the same. Very protective.

Go easy on yourself. I had quite a traumatic birth with DS. I was also in an abusive relationship so didn't have much support.

It sounds like you have been through a hard time.

I hated people holding my baby. I didn't want to pass him around like a parcel. I hated it if I got him back and he smelled 'wrong'. Ex sil had strong perfume and remember changing him as soon as she'd gone. I also remember my friend with her 10 month old...I held him and she held my new baby. Hers felt huge and I just wanted my little baby back even though it's only been a few minutes.

All totally illogical but also understandable because I was quite traumatized to be honest.

Please be kind to yourself and I hope you have support

I think feeling this mildly is probably normal but your reaction seems very extreme, I expect is fairly common but I’d be inclined to talk to a healthcare professional about this as it might be a sign of an perinatal mental health issue.

Completely normal OP, don't worry. You are much nicer than me. I was more aggressive.

When my then-mil refused to give my pfb back, I screamed at her like a banshee. I honestly didn't mean to but I was getting so I wanted to rip her arms off. She never quite forgave me, but she never did it again. 😄

Thank you for all your responses. I do have a lot of anxiety and suffer from depression so I have a perinatal CPN - I told her about how I feel and she said it’s completely normal and instinctual just a lionesses gets aggressive when someone tries to get near their Cubs! I wish others would understand my boundaries of holding her too long though, I want to be polite and explain but as some people haven’t felt the same way as me they just find it hard to understand.

I was like this. It used to make me sweat and feel sick other people holding my baby. I think it's normal, they're an extension of you when they're newborn.

Keep talking to them. It is tough but it should ease off a bit. I was absolutely awful to my MIL when she tried to take the pram off me on a walk once. I just couldn't trust anyone and had no idea how extreme my reactions were gettinf.

I think it’s a sign of irrational anxiety and you need to raise it with your health visitor.

It happened again today, baby dad’s mother took my baby out of my arms and she refused to hand her back so I had to take my baby off her. She left without saying good bye and I felt like crying. I feel like she overstepped my boundaries completely doing what she did.

Yes me too

That’s because she did. I wouldn’t be happy with someone I didn’t trust holding my baby. Invest in a sling and put the baby in the sling for nap time when you see her.

You are totally in the right here, it's absolutely not on that your mil would take baby from you in the first place, but then to refuse to hand her back, she's overstepping in every way. If she is going to make it all about her and have the cheek to be offended then I'd just have nothing to do with her, don't get in touch with her, she needs to respect you as a person and as a mother, it's YOUR baby and if you want her back that shouldn't be a debate.
If I were you I'd speak to your partner and make sure he's on the same page as you (and he should be) then get him to explain the situation to his mother and explain your boundaries and let her know in no uncertain terms that if she can't respect those, regardless of whether or not she agrees with them, then she will not be welcome to see baby.
Absolutely infuriates me the sense of entitlement some grandparents get over their grandchildren.

Nobody has the right to take your baby out of your arms. Stand your ground. It's your baby. Your MIL had her turn. It's yours now.

It’s fairly normal in the early days, although you do sound quite extreme. However I think it’s quite selfish to prevent babies and children from forming close attachments to other family members. It’s a selfless act and a gift to your child to allow them to love and be loved by others.

We aren’t talking about some random person here.

A little baby has no need to form any attachment to anyone other than their mother.

I didn’t say they needed to. I said it’s a gift to them to have close relationships with others too.

Wrong quote but still.

I think your extreme anxiety is not normal. Yes, normal to feel protective and only you can be that protector but other people holding her when you are in the room and feeling close to tears is not.

After such a traumatic start to the pregnancy and holding such (rightful) resentment to those who told you to abort, I completely understand but I think you need to talk to the health visitor as you may have some post natal depression and anxiety going on.

Having said that your partners mother sound a nightmare, and I am not surprised you resent her. You need help and support op, do you have family you can ask for help from. You also sound very young and not able to stand up to your overbearing MIL.

Just to add, although you are quite open about your anxiety, which I totally empathise with as I had awful PNA, so yes perhaps your feelings are a little bit of that HOWEVER the biggest issue here as I see it is your mil disrespecting your boundaries and disrespecting your as a mother, your anxiety essentially is irrelevant so don't let anybody tell you you're overreacting.

This is really not ok! Any one should understand this, but particularly people who have been mothers themselves.

What you're describing, although understandable given what you've been through / are going through, sounds like an extreme version of a normal feeling.

That said your mil is completely out of order and you have every right to have your baby when you want them. I wouldn't appreciate if anyone had taken my baby out of my arms without me asking them to, me offering them a hold or them at least asking permission first! And then to not give the baby back? And you've explained to this woman how you're feeling? Time to ask your OH to have a word because you shouldn't have to deal with her behaviour on top of everything else.

Sorry if my assumption that the baby's dad is your OH is incorrect, but I stand by the point that he needs to interject.