Meeting a colleague who lost their baby

[glasspaw]

i was pregnant at the same time as a colleague. I went on maternity leave when they were 7 months in. I’m seeing them next week during a keep in touch day and I found out yesterday that their baby was very sadly stillborn at 7.5 months.

I’m not close with them, but they knew I was pregnant and I knew they were also expecting. If I hadn’t found out this information I would have naturally just asked how things were going (which obviously would have been awful given the circumstances). Do I tell them that I know what happened and offer condolences? Or will that feel like people have been gossiping about it? I want to be sensitive but I’m so worried about making them feel uncomfortable. My heart breaks for them, k can’t even imagine what they are going through.

also, people will likely ask after my baby which might be hard for them to hear. Do I try and shut down these conversations out of respect?

Hello, I'm sorry to hear this. I'm no expert but after our friends' baby died last year I listened to a lot of podcasts and read a lot of books and articles about baby loss. Like I said not an expert myself but the takeaways seemed to be that people don't want people to just act like it never happened, which seems obvious but that means it needs acknowledged which is hard. For my friend who lost her baby, the mother, she said no one at her work said a single thing about it and she is looking for another job because of that, and who could blame her. It's impossible to know what to say but I found just 'making space' for their loss, as people say, seemed to be well received. I would also recommend listening to podcasts etc, to help you slightly understand (although you obviously unless you've been there you'll never really underhand). Sorry this is just a bit of a waffle but from what I understand don't just ignore it. I would also politely answer anyones questions but keep in mind how hard that will be for her if she has to listen to that. Good luck

Slightly different circumstances but when a schoolfriend who I hadn't stayed in touch with lost her toddler to a genetic condition she thanked me for acknowledging her in the supermarket and asking how she was and the little brother too who obviously missed his dsis.
She said so many people avoided her and that was much more hurtful.

Could you not ask HR or your manager/ her manager?

I think you should say sorry for her loss, and then listen to her- see if she wants to talk about it.

It's so hard because a lot of it is down to personal choice/feelings.
When I lost my baby I remember saying when I returned to work (just 3 weeks later) I didn't want anyone to mention it to me. I think it's because I knew I would fall apart and I wanted to be able to be 'normal' at least at work, seeing as I felt like my whole world had imploded.

That was a short term, sort of knee jerk, reaction though. I think the best thing is to gently and sensitively tell her how sorry you are that she lost her baby and if she wants to tell you about him/her you would love to hear. It's then up to her if she wants to talk. I like to tell people about my boy if they ask. I know people who prefer not to talk about their loss, and that's fine too.

I think it's lovely that you want to know and have asked here. It's such a taboo thing and I think that's why people freak out a bit and do odd things like pretend it never happened Personally, I had some bloody awful and insensitive things said to me that came from a lack of thought/understanding.

Also, as it's a kit day, you might find (if you have a decent manager) that they will have spoken to her beforehand and they will have come up with a plan about how she would prefer people to behave.

For example, she might choose to come in slightly early so she's not walking alone into a busy office etc, or she might have someone meet her and walk in with her. Or they might let you all know before she arrives that she would like to be 'normal' or would prefer not to be around for certain conversations.

Doesn't help you much in planning as you won't necessarily know until the day but hopefully someone will have put a plan in place to make it as smooth as possible for everyone

Will you and bereaved colleague be together all day? Is she back at work already? I’m trying to work out the dynamics because if you were both having a getting up to speed day together that’d be horrendous, if she’s been back a while, hopefully slightly better.
Definitely say something to her. And definitely have a cheery ‘all lovely place holder’ response if other colleagues want to talk about your baby.

I lost my daughter at 7 months pregnant and the thing that hurt me most was my Auntie and adult cousins did not acknowledge it in any way. No card, no nothing. I know that my Auntie was upset about it because she'd cried when my mum told her what had happened. I would acknowledge her loss, saying you'd heard what had happened and you're very sorry. Then I'd leave it there. She'll talk about it if she wants to.

I would ask your manager before you go in if your colleague has specifically asked that people don't mention her los or not.

Unless colleague has added for this then I'd acknowledge it and just be mindful not to let there be too much general chat about your baby.

Thanks everyone. Some great responses here. We don’t have the same line manager but I will speak to mine and see whether there were any particular requests when they returned to work (whether they wanted people to not talk about it for example).

they have been back at work for a while thankfully @Etinoxaurus . Agree that if we were both coming back at the same time it would be even more awful.

I've lost a baby although not as late as this.
And what I hadn't expected was to be ignored yet a lot of people did ignore me. And when I thought about it, I'm fairly sure I've probably ignored people too mistakenly thinking oh they'll probably want to be left alone or they probably won't want to talk about it. I certainly won't be making that mistake again.
I can remember every person who bothered to speak to me in the first few days back and every person who acknowledged what had happened. It made a shit time slightly more tolerable knowing people were willing to overcome their awkwardness to check in on me.
If it's any consolation I also had a colleague who was pregnant at the same time, I was bracing myself to be upset when her baby arrived but actually I remember just feeling relieve that her baby was here safe and sound. I've since met her baby and, while plenty of other things upset me, seeing her baby doesn't.

The worst thing for me when this happened was people who treated avoided me because they didn’t no what to say, I totally changed me view of some people. If there’s no instruction I’d offer condolences just like you would if any other close family member died, ask how they are, and then be normal with them.

Dont hide talk of your baby all together either, keeping it brief if possible is great, but I remember a work colleague deleted me off Facebook right before they announced their pregnancy on there and it might have been to shield me, but it was so offensive, stillbirth isn’t contagious, I didn’t need babies hidden from me, just the opportunity to back away from that talk. It’s lovely you are thinking of your colleague, and congratulations OP.

Hi, I lost a baby at 7.5 months. It was very hushed up at work and when I returned I had people asking me how the baby was and telling me I must have had a wonderful time being off, it was awful.

Thing to remember is that she hasn't forgotten about the baby so don't act like you have iyswim? You are allowed to talk about it, take the lead from her. Just don't rub your baby in her face in the nicest way possible! I had someone do this too.