Is this PND or something else?

[Onegoingontwo]

I've just switched off and packed away my computer so I can no longer write and I've just put my iPad in a box ready to go to my mums so I can no longer draw digitally. I was sick of looking at them collecting dust and always becoming frustrated that I couldn't enjoy them. Sick of them being a daily reminder that I cannot use those things for a very long tjme. That my old life is way way wayyyyy behind me and that I'm nothing more but a servant to my children and the people in my life. After all the midwives and doctors all treated me like I was nothing more than a vessel so why shouldn't everyone else treat me the same?

I'm not a depressed person. I've never had a low mood and I don't feel tearful. My energy levels are amazing, I feel better than I have ever felt energy wise despite having a colicky reflux riddled newborn and 21 month old going through the terrible twos. I keep on top of my hygiene and I'm very house proud so the house is always clean.

I just feel so much anger and frustration and sheer mental exhaustion that I've been desperately researching how I can viably escape my life and run away. Tents, campervan, flat shares.. anything that can get me away fast and cheaply. But for why? I don't even know. I'm just not satisfied I suppose with my life.

I'm angry because I can't change it. I'm stuck with these kids. Stuck being a slave to everyone else but me. I don't remember the last time I ever did anything for me and in the past when I tried to (such as writing on my computer or drawing on my tablet) it has been an awful experiences because of my toddler and the people in my life. My toddler is obvious. She has needs and wants to claim the tablet and computer for her own. But the people in my life? It's the judgement. The "why are you bothering" so I darent ask them to babysit so I can do said things and the immediate "please get off and help me" that I get from my partner. My tea hasn't even had a chance to cool down before that usually perks up.

My partner is a good dad. He's hand on. He's just very overwhelmed very easily and why shouldn't he be? He's at work all day. He hasn't had as much practise as me at dealing with the kids. It's a lot I guess.

Basically there is a lot going on in my life. A lot more than just my kids. I'm just so spent that there is nothing left for myself at the end of the day and the anger and frustration are fizzling away to acceptance. I'm accepting my life is shit and I'm accepting that I need to sit and wait until I'm called by someone in my life needing me. I wish it was just my kids that needed me sadly there are others in my life that command attention also. I'm on call 24/7 for the people in my life but sadly no one is on call for me. I think I accepted that a long time ago. Even watching a one minute tiktok video is not possible without interruption these days so I don't know why I've bothered for as long as I have. I'm going to be an empty shell of a human being until my kids are older and hopefully by then when they no longer need me I'll remember something of the person I used to be. I doubt it. I was online shopping for clothes the other day and had no idea what I liked anymore so I just brought essentials and didn't even think twice about it. It's only now upon reflection that I realised that I had done that instinctively.

My doctor phoned me yesterday for my six week PP appointment. He asked me if I was okay. What was I supposed to say? My newborn was screaming and my toddler was hungry. I had no one to babysit even if I wanted to offload or ask him if these feelings are normal. So I said I was fine. I do feel fine. I'm just accepting emptiness is my life now.

Has anyone else felt like this? I don't even feel that angry anymore coming to the end of this post. I feel like it's finally set in stone that I'm nothing to myself but something to everyone else and having to be okay with that. I don't see how I would survive the next few years otherwise. I would resent everyone if I carried on trying to fight them constantly at a chance to be me for more than a minute.

[HorizonNannies]

I'm sorry to hear you were feeling like that. I see this post is from a few months ago. How are you feeling now?

[Honey2]

@Onegoingontwo I’m so sorry thank know one for back to you at the time. I hope you got some help… what you describe definitely sounds like PND. You need some support, please speak to your DR or HV or anyone you can - it’s a hard first step but you really do not need to keep feeling like this. It isn’t inevitable and you can get help to improve things In time xxxx

[user2345266]

100%!!!

Completely get this OP. The second baby has been the hardest because it's practically impossible to get any alone time between a crying newborn and a moaning toddler. I also don't suffer with depression but I really lost a love and excitement for anything at this point.

I am further down the road than you and I promise it does get easier!

Once the newborn is a couple of months older and you get in some sort of routine, everything feels more manageable. Some times they even nap at the same time and I have sat down to watch Netflix after cleaning the house 😂

You are going through (what I found) the hardest phase. Stay strong and better days are coming 🤞🏼

[user2345266]

@Onegoingontwo I have just realised this post was from April. Not sure why it was recommended to me this morning 😂 so I hope you are feeling better xx