Feeling suicidal with PND - please tell me I can survive this

[ActonBell]

DS 2 is 2 weeks old. Also have DS who is 4.5.
Perinatal mental health already involved and seeing/phoning me a couple of times a week. I was on 50mg sertraline during pregnancy and have spoken to GP about increasing that but haven’t dared go for it yet.

Feel in utter despair and like I will never cope. I will never sleep or be happy or enjoy my children. My mum pops in to help with DS1 but she doesn’t really get what’s happening to me and that makes it harder. We’ve just lost one of the things that was keeping me going - a visit from DH’s very sympathetic and helpful family next week. They have covid so it’s another Christmas without seeing any of his family for us. It will be 2 years since we saw them face to face. It’s so dark every day.

Please, somebody help me. I’m scared
I will be separated from my children but I don’t know how to cope with feeling like this.

You won’t be separated from your children. Please call your midwife or your GP now & tell them how you feel. This will pass, honestly it will, but right now in this moment you need help and that’s okay.

You’ve done brilliantly to post on here. I’m proud of you for doing that - next step is to tell DH & Ring the midwife and GP.

You need some sleep, can you hire someone to come in the night?

If not can you go to bed at 6pm and your husband take a shift?

If you're bf give the baby a bottle. But you need to sleep, today

You will cope and it will get so much easier, but you need some rest. Get a sleeping tablet if you need to. Ask a friend to take the older child.

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this OP. I had severe PND with my boys (but nothing with my girls) and remember feeling desperate. With my youngest I ended up in hospital under a section and whilst I couldn't see it at the time I'm grateful now because it undoubtedly saved my life and I got to see my children grow up (I'm now a granny)
Please try and increase your anti d's, I took a huge cocktail of drugs with anti'd's, antipsychotics, lithium, tranquilisers and sleeping tablets to get me better but once better I came off them all and haven't needed MH support since.
It will get better, it's hard to see when you are in the middle of it though. You really do need to rest as much as possible, perhaps your dh could speak to your mum? She might hear what he's telling her better.
Will be thinking of you x

Thanks. I will tell perinatal mental health nurse when I speak to her tomorrow. I just don’t know how to bear this pain.
I’m trying to catch up on sleep in the day but it’s so hard as I feel so awful. DH takes him from 4/5 am and lets me sleep a bit. We are bf but DH gives him one bottle if absolutely necessary. I hate doing that but I can’t stay awake 24/7.
I just keep thinking that I will feel this way for a year or more and will have no sleep for just as long. Then I lose hope because it feels like I can’t get through the day, let alone months and months.
Our boys are so, so wanted but I feel like I just can’t do it. But what’s the alternative? There isn’t one. And that’s when I feel desperate.

Did you bf your first? The bf hormones were like a dementor to me and I only truly felt myself once I'd stopped. How did you feel after stopping bf first time? If it was a lot better I'd recommend slowly switching to formula as your mental health is more important and you will sleep better.

Take a nap every day, really focus on getting some rest, even if it's just listening to meditation videos. You need to focus on healing your body and mind, this is an investment that will pay off. Imagine a friend had been in a traumatic car accident, how would you treat them? Treat yourself that way. I know it's Christmas and covid but get / buy in as much help as you can. Don't think ahead, just snuggle your babies this winter, this stage will pass so quickly but prioritise sleep. Take shifts with your husband so you get at least a solid chunk from 8pm to 1am say. Also I found a soft sling calming for me and my second and less stressful than holding.

Hi @ActonBell hope you’re managing.
Not any advice but just want to say I found the tiredness sooo hard in the first month and bf definately didn’t help. If you’re feeling so bad please xobisider stopping or drastically reducing. It will give you a chance for some sleep. You can’t recuperate without it. Sending you lots of hugs x

Hi op. I hope you're doing okay. I had debilitating PND with my dd so I know exactly how you feel. You have done all the right things in asking for help - I didn't do this and it prolonged my suffering by a huge amount of time.

It won't be forever.

I had terrible negative self talk, rock bottom self esteem and absolutely zero confidence in myself and my ability to look after my dd.

Part of this was to rewire my brain to think 'is this true?', 'does it matter?' 'If it does matter, how important will this be in the long run?'

Look after yourself. Do the absolute bare minimum while you do this. You are doing a brilliant job and are doing all of the right things. It won't always be this way.

Sending