Post-natal difficulties

[Livvi2021]

I had my baby girl 12 weeks ago by ecs. I hated the fact I could not give birth to her vaginally. I was not able to hold her as I was shaking so much so didn't get to have the skin to skin. She was bundled up and given to daddy. She then wouldn't latch the whole time I was in hospital and became poorly with jaundice so I had to formula feed her. Once home I continued to try to latch her but she wouldn't and after three weeks of trying, have up as my milk supply had plumetted and I was unable to pump as much as I needed due to the difficult recovery I was in the middle of. She was never a settled baby, not settled by a bottle, or anything for that matter. She would hardly sleep and cry a lot. Diagnosed with silent reflux and colic, she still at 12 weeks is very unsettled and will go for periods of inconsolable crying. I cry pretty much every day too. I'm sad I was unable to give birth to her vaginally (it eas also a very traumatic birth) and I ended up quite unwell in hospital afterwards. But what pains me most is that I wasn't able to breastfeed her. My sister in law gave birth a week after me and my friend a couple months, both had text book births and both are breastfeeding and I can't be around them because it makes me so sad. It has been so hard, from when I first went in to be induced to now, just one long constant battle and I've found the bonding so hard and hard to accept that I haven't been able to breastfeed her. I love her but am so sad we won't share that special bond. I have felt like anyone could be her mom as I didn't feel her come out of me, or see it and she won't feed from me. And bless her she is such a difficult baby and I wish I had the ability to comfort her more than I do. I'm not sure why I'm posting this, maybe to see if anyone else has had similar experiences with the heartbreak of hard births, feeding difficulty, difficult babies, bonding etc. So I don't feel do damn useless and alone in all this xxx

Oh my lovely. Those bloody post birth hormones are a nightmare! I’m sorry you have had a difficult experience. It does sound like DD might be displaying ‘normal’ baby behaviours but that doesn’t make it any easier when you feel rubbish.

I would recommend getting in touch with HV and requesting a trauma birth de brief. I had one after my traumatic birth and recovery and it really helped. You go through your notes with a qualified midwife and talk about the birth and why things happened etc. It really helped me to get things straight in my head.

I didn’t breastfeed my boy (admittedly through choice) and have an amazing bing with him. I don’t think Filey breastfeeding impacts on this but you will stand a lot of as tall by this because of the way you are feeling.

Are you getting any support with childcare so that you can rest? And get some good sleep? Is your partner helping? Taking some of the night feeds? Early mornings? You’ve had major surgery as well as becoming a mum and you need to recover.

You can also do skin to skin, bath together play together, eye contact when feeding. Cuddling. Kissing etc. All build that bond.

You are her mum! You grew her! From scratch! You are everything she needs! You are amazing. ❤️

@Whatelsecouldibecalled thank you xx

My hubby is great but I know it's all had a massive impact on him too and when he puts in half the work he struggles too much as he is working full time too. I don't trust leaving her with anyone to be honest so wouldn't want to at this early stage so not really getting any time to myself. Yes, I'm going through the de briefing session with my consultant midwife next week and they're putting me forward for some sort of counselling etc.

I feel really sad that there are these experiences I haven't been able to experience like giving birth and breastfeeding, and it feels like it's defining me as a person and it goes against who I thought I was / would be (which sounds silly) but finding it difficult to accept these things.

Yes we do have bonding time in other ways. She doesn't really like skin to skin but likes to cuddle to sleep during her naps and loves to be sung to. Sometimes I just feel so sad though and I feel like I'm failing her, she needs a happy momma and she hasn't got one and I don't know how to fix it. Thanks for posting xx

Please talk to your health visitor or GP. PTSD could be a factor here and talking to someone could help.

I am sorry you are having such a difficult time.

@Mummy2O thank you. Yes I am being referred to someone. Whenever that will happen who knows lol

Oh, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. It does get better, I promise. I've got three children and that has involved one very traumatic birth, two of them on a ventilator for the first few days after birth, and one very "difficult" baby (always crying, frequently being sick, felt like nothing I could do would make her happy and settled). Each time it's been a set of really hard feelings, and I completely recognise finding it hard to be around other people who seem to be having the experiences I hoped to have - I remember crying at an advert, of all things, for a skin to skin wrap thing because I didn't get to hold either of my sons for the first few days and was so sad about it. A birth de brief and counselling sound like exactly the right things to do (and honestly, well done for recognising the issues and getting them - I didn't manage to address any of my PTSD after birth 1 until it all got brought up by pregnancy 2). But mostly just wanted to say you're not alone, it does get better, and professionals can really help. There's also a book, How to Heal a Bad Birth, which I found very helpful (it's huuuuge - I didn't read it all - but even dipping into bits of it helped)

But mostly wanted to say you're absolutely not alone, lots of us have been there and have come out the other side to a place where you feel happy and back to 'normal' and bonded with your babies

Also, just to add that you ARE being an absolutely amazing mum to her - you grew her, you birthed her (even if not the way you wanted, you gave birth - I have had both vaginal birth and c section and they're both bloody hard in different ways), you're feeding her (again even if not exactly how you hoped, you're feeding her and making sure she grows healthily), you're caring for her every need even while you feel like this - every time she gets held by you and hears your voice and heartbeat she's reassured that she's not just with anyone, she's with her mother who carried her inside her for months. Something I got told repeatedly by the doctors and nurses in NICU was that even when I couldn't hold the baby, keep talking to them because my voice would reassure them and bring any stresses down. Mothers are magic for babies, and you are doing great! You should be happy for you, but please don't worry that she's missing out on anything because of how you're feeling: she doesn't know how you're feeling, she just knows you're loving her and looking after her. Which is exactly (and only!) what she needs x

@SohoOrigami thank you so much for your kind words and words of encouragement. I've never considered myself a naiive person but I just could never have imagined how difficult it all could be and how I would feel about it all. I just thought because she was (is) so loved and wanted everything else would just fall into place (I know how naiive that sounds now lol). I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties too that must have been horrific for you! Glad you made it through the other side x

It doesn't sound naive, I don't think anyone expects to start parenthood in the aftermath of trauma, or can really have a proper understanding of what that can feel like until they've been there. The hormones alone are, frankly, a shitshow, and then you add in on top of that no sleep, caring for a newborn, trying to work out feeding, so much 'advice' to wade through, constant comparisons with other people - it's all hard enough without also having to deal with the aftermath of a traumatic experience.

I remember being right in the depths of it after my first and it's just awful. When I read your post I just wanted to give you the biggest hug cause argh, it's just such a horrible set of feelings. But (and I know this sounds cheesy, so apologies) for all the things I'd change about my birth and postnatal experiences and first few years of parenting if I could, there are also things I wouldn't, including how hard I know I worked to be the best mum I could in far from ideal circumstances.

With feeding, I'm really sorry it hasn't worked out the way you wanted. It sounds like you did everything you could to make it work. Sometimes it just doesn't, and that's no reflection on you, just as a tough birth is no reflection on you either. It's neither good nor bad, it's just what happened.

Take a bit of time out if you can let your husband have the baby for a while (I struggled with that too, but in hindsight I did need some rest time), and push all the professionals around you for help.

Above all, be kind to yourself. You are doing wonderfully, and your daughter is tremendously lucky to have you xx

@SohoOrigami thank you, it really means a lot what you said xxx

I had a difficult birth with DD1 and didn't have any milk (induction so I think I just wasn't ready to give birth yet!)

She was formula fed but then I managed to change her to the breast if you really want to try you still can. I just put her on each breast everytime before the bottle. Even if it was just one suck. Then it became 2 sucks and then 5 seconds and then it just increased. It was difficult and painful especially when she wanted more breastmilk and I was finished. She BF until 3yo

I'm just saying this because the information is not out there. Formula feed is great and I obviously have nothing against it but I know how you feel. There's that little thing in the back of your head that says: I really thought I was going to BF my baby, I really wanted that experience.

Btw some babies are really difficult to settle. DD1 would not be put down at all!!! She slept ON TOP of me for the first few months by comparison DD3 is an angel forget the baby books and everything that people comment at you, just keep your baby happy, that's all that matters, and sometimes make unorthodox decisions to keep yourself more rested and happy. That's the trick

@grey12 thanks for your comment. I do still try to get her to latch and have recently started to pump again to try and stimulate milk production. I get a couple drops is all. Trouble is I can't put her down so can't pump and hold her as it will either wake her up or she's fussing so needs attention then can't pump anyway. She has no interest in the breast whatsoever and never has. Any tips on how to bring back my supply when I can't pump often and how to get her to latch when she has no interest (she also doesn't like being stripped off for skin to skin). Tips are so welcome also how old was yours when you got her to the best finally? My little one doesn't even settle with formula she is so difficult to feed lol xx

I didn't pump at all. I was too tired. She didn't let me ever put her down.

Everytime I gave her the bottle I would try to BF first from both breasts. At first is very little but the more you use the more you get. It took a long time, maybe a month or more. But I was happy to give her even a little bit. And then top up with bottle. Afterwards she started drinking less of the bottle. When you BF you don't really know how much they are drinking and you'll always pump much less than what they are able to suck.

Very important: when they swallow they make a soft clicking noise on their throat

She was about 3 months

@grey12 you never stopped offering the breast though did you? I stop as it was emotionally and physically wearing me out. All she did was cry at it and never latch so I stopped trying at 3 weeks, she's now three months so I think it's too late for me. I'm so so sad about it all and just wish I could come to terms with it. I'm just so sad I'll never experience that bonding time so many people have. All I do is cry at the moment thinking about it. My husband is at his wits end with both me and my little one. I've called the drs for some antidepressants so I won't be able to breastfeed then anyway or even start to try. It's probably for the best I just stop trying anyway as I don't think it'll ever work. Sorry I'm feeling very sorry for myself today. Thanks for your kind words xx

It was the opposite actually! Until about 2.5, 3 months I didn't. It didn't work at the hospital so I just gave the bottle. I had no support at all so no one even suggested the pump, which I had actually bought

It is very difficult in the beginning. You need to give yourself some slack. I ended up cosleeping and carrying my babies everywhere (even to the bathroom....) and did things that my mum and the baby books would find unacceptable but the kids are fine!

Actually I had PND after no3, because of other circumstances, so I understand how difficult it is. They actually avoided medication and instead referred me to a CBT programme. I would go through the different lessons in an app and then have phone consultations. It was really good to talk to someone. Maybe it could help you as well

@grey12 oh sorry i misunderstood, that's amazing then. Thank you x

So sorry you're feeling this way Livvi.

My baby is 11 weeks old and I had quite a traumatic birth too - 40 hour labour/epidural/episiotomy etc. We had a 2 week stint in hospital due to her jaundice and complications with me. I was unable to breastfeed her because of a tongue tie. This was cut at 2 weeks old but she was then used to my milk in bottles and wouldn't latch. I therefore exclusively pumped from birth but gave up when she was 8 weeks old. She's now formula fed and happy.

I'm writing all of the above because I want you to know that you're not alone and to some extent, know how you feel. I was heartbroken that I couldn't breastfeed her like I wanted to (still am). I get upset too when I see other mums breastfeeding and other mums who had straightforward/quick labours. I feel ridiculous for feeling upset, but it just feels unfair doesn't it?

The thing that helps me the most is reminding myself that she's healthy and safe. And that's down to me (and her dad) as caregivers. The same goes for your little one too. I know it's easy to say and harder to remember. I concentrate on the little moments like when she looks at me and smiles.

Reflux sounds really difficult. Please don't be too hard on yourself. Take each day as it comes. You're doing a brilliant job and I'm sure are a wonderful Mum to your baby.

@SnowWhite123 thank you so much although it doesn't make it better, it helps to know you're not alone, I'm so sorry you had such a hard time too. That sounds awful what you went through. It's definitely not silly, I also find it so hard looking at women breastfeeding, it's just something I know I'll never have and it was so important to me so I am there with you completely on that. I just wish my girl was happy and settled with her formula, probably wouldn't feel as bad if she was. She fights every feed and it makes me wonder if I could have breastfed her if it would have been the same. Xxx