Googling my parenting woes always leads me here so I decided to make an account see if I can can get some more specific answers. There's a lot to unpack so I'll try not to ramble too much.
I am 24 and I have 2 DDs aged 2 and 2 months. When my first was born I struggled with horrific PND which I didn't start getting over until she was 18 months. Without getting too into the nitty gritty I felt like I regretted having her, I'd ruined my life and regularly thought about ending my life. I never looked for help, although I desperately wanted to, because my partner was an unsupportive so and so and told me to simply 'cheer up.' Apparently depression isn't a real thing about people should just think more positively. Helpful. At 18 months when DD was getting more independent and her speech was coming along I stated to feel better, and by her second birthday I was feeling almost like myself. Well not myself, but a version of me I could live with. My feelings of regret, resentment ect were 100% down to the PND and not reflections of how I truly felt.
When DD2 was born I told my health visitor on day 1 that I struggled with depression that I never told anyone about last time. I was (still am) desperate not to let it get that bad again. Both DDs deserve better than that. Until recently I'd been feeling okay but negative thoughts and feelings are slowly creeping back in.
The sleep deprivation is making me feel insane. DD1 didn't start sleeping through the night until fairly recently and of course I'm feeding every 3 hours with my youngest. But instead of being able to 'nap when the baby naps' there seems to be no time to catch up because my toddler is all go. So I'm desperately tired all the time.
The main thing I wanted to talk about is the fact that I have sacrificed everything about myself for my children, and not necessarily by choice. If me 5 years ago could see me now I wouldn't recognise myself. Any friends I did have are long gone; they're all single and childless so they're meeting up for cocktails and meals and living for the weekend so naturally that doesn't include me anymore. Not their fault, them not wanting me and my tagalongs around makes perfect sense. All my prechild hobbies are just not plausible anymore; I used to be an avid gamer before I had children. I would also draw and paint a lot, and reading. I don't have any time for any of that anymore so I had to give it all up. I can draw/paint with my toddler I guess but being told to draw peppa pig and dinosaurs over and over again is not remotely the same. I am tidying, cleaning, butt changing, feeding all day every day. I am tired to my core of cleaning the same messes everyday. My life is completely devoid of anything that isn't directly child related.
When I Google this issue people always recommend dropping the kids off at the grandparents house for a 'break' yeah right! My mother has no interest in my children. She used to babysit on occasion when it was just my first but she divorced her husband a year and a half ago and since then is trying to relive her late teens/early twenties I think. I know it isn't her responsibility and she doesn't owe me childcare, but I can't help feeling bitterly jealous when reading about people who drop their kids off at their parents every weekend. MIL is not an option she can barely take care of herself DDs wouldnt be safe in her care. FIL is in a nursing home and my father has 2 young children of his own (4 & 5) and works 60 hours a week, although he adores my children and would love to help its just not possible. My younger sister likes to help but she's only 16 so while its nice it isn't a break. Money is pretty tight since I lost my job to coronavirus and become a default SAHM so paying for childcare isn't really an option.
When it was just my DD I was starting to feel better because I was starting to get some free time back, but having a newborn has thrown me back into the deep end. I've been pursuing a sterilisation with my gp but I think my request will be rejected because of my age. I think I had children too early; I was 21 when I got pregnant with my first. I wish I had waited a few years so I could have enjoyed my life a bit before giving it up. Maybe then I wouldn't be feeling all this resentment.
Every day seems darker than the day before so I think I'll get in contact with my HV again and tell her I think the PND might be coming back. Im not sure what my goal is with posting this thread, just off loading maybe? Raising children is so hard, if I had known what was coming I'm not sure I would have had them.