My baby prefers my husband

[Laura447]

OK this is going to sound beyond stupid.
I had the world's worst pregnancy and birth with mine and my husbands forst born child. She's now only 3 weeks old.
I love her so much it makes me want to cry every time I look at her. All the suffering feels so worth it because she's the best thing I've ever done. She's beautiful and I love her more than I ever thought it possible to love someone.
The problem is I really strongly feel like already like I'm second best to my husband. She will only stop crying if I give her a boob or if my husband holds her. I know babies aren't capable of really choosing favourites at this stage but in the heat of the moment I find it so unbelievably hurtful and sad. It makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong. I always thought the baby preferred the mother for the forst few months of life and selfishly I was looking forward to being number 1 in someone's life for a change.
I'm the one who gets up in the night with her and feeds her and changes her and spends all of my time with her. Her dad plays on the PlayStation, sleeps all night, went to play golf for the day during his paternity leave etc. I know he's going to work so he should be able to sleep and he can't breastfeed her anyway (!) but I just don't understand the dynamic. I'm very pleased he is so good with her, I just feel like there must be something wrong with me and that's why she won't settle for me or just lie and stare at me like she does with her dad. I havent once lost my patience with that little girl. All I've ever done is given her love. Why am I feeling these pathetic feelings and why aren't I more of a comfort to her? Can anyone help? Please don't give me any 'pull yourself together' comments. I've already acknowledged how stupid this sounds but I can't help how I feel. 💔

Trust me, you are not doing anything wrong, and your baby doesnt prefer her dad over you. It's completely normal for your baby to want to feed often when she's with you.

It is so hard in those first weeks though. I remember crying to my husband that I felt like she only wanted me to feed her all day long and I didn't know any other way to comfort her. I'll repeat to you what he said to me - you are her whole world. Being breastfed is safest, most comforting place she knows. She'll accept cuddles from daddy because she knows theres no food here, but it doesn't come close to that.

Keep feeding your baby any time they need it, the rest will come with time.

Thank you ♥️ that helps a lot x

Your baby settles for your husband because he doesn't have milk. With you, she csn smell it and gets upset when she doesn't get it. It really is that simple.

Your husband sounds like a total fucking twat though. Going out to play golf for the day when you just had a baby!? He needs to shape up or ship out.

Awww bless you, what you’re feeling isn’t stupid and totally understandable.

I was always secretly looking out for my place in my daughters heart, against her dad lol. And always worried about the day when she will pick him over me.

I think it’s how you’re interpreting things though.

So my daughter would be more calm with my husband the first few weeks because somehow she could see his features better as he has more contrast to his face and so she stares.. she sees me all day every day but with him much less so she is trying to take in the info.. he holds her so confidently so it resonates some confidence in her..

She is more comfortable being vulnerable with me.. she knows I provide her food and comfort abs so she would let out her feelings with me. But with her dad she would just be exploring the world outside of me and her..

You and her are unbelievably connected. Rest assured. He is the outside world fun.

When she starts smiling and giggling you are going to decipher all of that

Feel secure about it all mummy. You are doing an amazing job and she will pour all that love back into you when she learns how !

I agree though that you need to address your husbands role and spell out some expectations though

There must be hidden resentment manifesting here where you feel “you don’t deserve any of her love you are letting us both down “

Just remember, if he is letting you down, then he is letting her down.. and you need to value yourself an pull her up on it

Also this - I was looking forward to being number 1 in someone's life for a change. is a deeply unhealthy approach to parenting- could you look into some counselling?

I'm concerned that you view your baby as way of validating yourself because your relationship with your baby's dad is lacking?

It's normal to feel like you don't know what you doing or that you're getting it wrong.

You're not. It's absolutely normal to feel like that (esp if your breastfeeding, and baby can smell milk as a pp stated). But your comment about wanting to be first for once was worrying.

That's a lot of pressure to put on a tiny baby that only wants to eat, sleep poo and cry.

It's not personal. But I wonder if the dynamics in your relationship need some looking into.

At this age, your baby isn't even aware that you and her are separate beings. So it's simply not logical that she prefers your husband to you. You are her whole world. It sounds like you might be projecting your emotions and insecurities on to her. She's 3 weeks old... if she cries, feed her. If she's unsettled, feed her. That's all you need to do

Hi OP,

DS was the same when he was tiny.

It really is as simple as milk. He'd settle for DH because he knew cuddles were as good as it got.

With me he'd always want to be "comfort sipping" even if he wasn't properly hungry and he'd get grumpy if I wasn't on board with the concept of being attached to him 24/7....🤣

What your baby is actually doing is the reverse of what you think. She's demonstrating her preference to you as her most favourite/safest/comfortable place is when she's being fed by you and she doesn't want 2nd best of "not" being fed by you.

It's a phase that will pass and she will start to settle with you without feeding. From memory it was around 6 weeks with DS.

Thanks everyone.
I completely appreciate what people are saying. I just want to make it very clear that I didn't have a baby simply to be number 1 of be the centre of someone's world. And even if she grew up to not be bothered about me at all and completely obsessed with her dad it wouldn't change the love I have for her. I get what you are saying that that isn't a healthy viewpoint and I take that on board. I probably do need some counselling with regards to my self worth. I think I was probably being more dramatic/emotive than I should have been with my words though. I never wanted it to be a competition between my husband and I, or a case of favourites (reminiscent of the whole 'best friends' obsession in high school) which is why I know it sounds stupid. I just desperately wanted to feel that special bond you only get between a mother and her child. That's what I meant by being number 1. But you're all right, I know she's 3 weeks ffs so wouldn't even have any concept of liking or disliking people. I just needed that validation that I hadn't failed to make that bond, and you've all reassured me so thank you.
Ps yes my husband has his twattish moments. He also does some really nice things and has good qualities but he absolutely needs to grow up-if he lets our daughter down I'll have to seriously consider our future. My little girl really is everything. Thank you all for taking time to reply x

@Laura447 I totally feel you!! My baby is bottle fed and only seems to settle for his dad, I got really upset about it yesterday. I'm not sure if baby is picking up on my anxiety over it x