Finding it so hard to get out the house & feel pathetic

[SRK16]

My baby is now 7 weeks old. First month was brutal recovering from CS, lack of sleep etc.
I’m still finding it nearly impossible to get out. I manage to get him in the pram & try to walk to the high street most days, but half the time it fails in that he screams most the way so I have to turn round. Sometimes I can work out he’s done a poo or is tired (doesn’t seem to sleep in pram), other times I’ve no clue. I’ve managed a few 10-15 min journeys in the car, however, on several I’ve had to pull over as baby is having a meltdown (not whinging, full on screaming, purple face, can’t breathe- takes ages to calm down & seems frantic).
I feel like I must be doing something wrong. Other mums seem to get out and I’m sat here crying because my only aims for today were to get him to nap (failed, he’s been awake 5 hours and I can’t settle him), and to go to the shop (failed, it’s a ten min walk but can’t face the hysterics, which I know today are due to him being tired).
My friend has a baby a month older and wanted to meet up between us next week, about a 40 min and involves a motorway (hard to pullover if needed) and I feel pathetic to cancel but the stress about the journey isn’t worth it to me.
Am I doing something wrong? Why can’t I manage to get out? It’s driving me crazy. How do you get out?

You're not pathetic. This sounds pretty normal to me. Babies all have different temperments and whilst your friend might have an 'easy' baby now, she may find she has a challenging toddler in the future. They change all the time and it will get easier. I'm on my third and find it hard to get out some days.
Try to get your changing bag packed the day before so you can grab it when you spot an opportunity to get out (baby changed, fed and just gone to sleep for example). Have the pushchair folded out in the hallway. The other thing to do is 'fake it until you make it' so you get ready in the mornings so you are 'go out ready'. You're doing the best you can so go easy on yourself. For now, just agree to very local meet ups so you can get away if need be. Good luck.

Sorry you're struggling...in my experience that's extremely normal for a 7 week old. My DS is nearly 8 months now and it's much easier as we have a routine and can read his subtle little clues much more easily. I remember feeling exactly like you though, and it's ok, it WILL improve and you will barely think twice about leaving the house. I think it took me about 5 months before I felt going out was easier tbh.

Dont have much advice as such except DS hated the carrycot of the pram with a passion and wouldnt tolerate going out in it at all, things got much better for us when I put him in the pushchair (which was suitable from birth) and he was alert enough to see out and be distracted!

I have a 9 month old now so can remember how hard those early days are (they still are but in a different way!). I would never have been able to go for walks with him in the peak- he just hated being in it, flat on his back. Have you got a sling/carrier? It was a life saver for me! He felt much happier being carried and meant I could go out without the screaming! No advice about the car but I too avoided motorways as there was nowhere to pull over.
Things do get better and ever since he could go in the seat of The pram rather than the carrycot, he’s been much happier but definitely get a sling!

You could try wearing him in a sling? Or joining a mums and babies group so you won’t be the only one with a screaming baby lol

haha posted too soon! Should be - my baby and I didn't leave the house unaccompanied (either by dm or dh) for about 6 months! I remember how chuffed I was to get to our 1st mother and toddler group at the church hall round the corner on our own . It will get easier.

Oops! must have been a preview not a post The bit that's missing said 'baby' is now 25

You poor thing, having a newborn can suck. I really struggled with my first, it felt like an achievement just to get her in the pram. Can you wear a sling comfortably yet? That was a lifesaver for us. And when we were home we were skin to skin most of the time, the sling helped for that and getting things done too.
Is there a baby group for tiny babies near to you? We have one for up to crawling so there are few existing friendship groups and everybody ends up talking which were great, most people were really Frank about the crap and we all rolled our eyes at perfect primrose and her refuses-to-admit-she-cries baby

Yes, babies are all different. In our antenatal group, we had the whole gamut of baby temperaments. My DD is very easy and she was chilled, easy to take anywhere. And then the other end of the spectrum was my friend's DS who would just scream and scream for hours a day. We ended up meeting a lot in each other's houses in those early days as it's less stressful than being out in public with a screaming baby. So it's not anything you're doing - you just have a slightly more sensitive baby at the moment and yes that might dictate what you do until he gets a bit bigger.

Just be kind to yourself. Try a sling if you haven't already and remember that your baby crying will sound a lot worse to you than anyone else!

My baby was like that OP i carried her in the sling and she preferred that. Like you i had a C-section and dd was 3 weeks early which I wondered if it affected her, who knows. I did find the sling a lot easier for walking compared to a pram. As for the car i was sadly disappointed dd did not go to sleep in it as I had hoped but screamed all the way. If your baby does end up liking the sling and doesn't cry too much if you are holding him, you might be able to go places by train or bus for a bit. Dd did eventually get to like the pushchair and car seat but I carried her in the sling or backpack carrier till she was quite big as I got so used to it.

Ahhh yes I vividly remember our son (now 15 months) was SO difficult between 6-10 weeks old. He had colic (it felt) 24/7 and nothing seemed to settle him. It was actually unbelievable how rubbish it was! they don't tell you about that in the antenatal classes!

I was the only mum in our NCT group/ at baby yoga (why did I start that so early?!)/ basically any baby group with a baby that never stopped crying.
We laugh about it now (...sometimes), but wow those early weeks were so hard. They DO get better, its just a matter of hanging on!
Like previous posters have said, wearing baby in a sling was a life saver. My son hated the pram too until abut 3 months, so we just used to carry him everywhere.

I would recommend that you DO go out, even if you don't feel like it. It breaks the day up (I found) and you'll be surprised where you make new mum friends. I always found I connected well with the other exhausted, never-sitting-down mums in the back of halls/ classes and they were the ones I started hanging out with on regularly during maternity leave.

Thank you all for your replies, typing one handed as feeding baby (who still hasn’t napped 😢).
I do have a sling but baby isn’t keen. Maybe I need to try it around the house more to get him used to it?
I have been to a baby group 3 times, it’s where I’ve driven to. It’s really good but early days re making friends etc. There is another group which is walking distance but haven’t managed that yet as it’s early in the day.
I do have my bag ready and pram ready so in theory should be easy to get out, and I try and get ready first thing so I can seize the opportunity.
So I guess I’m doing all the right things and it’s just not working.

Just feel so sad that I de again it’s 3.30, it’s getting dark, and I’ve not left the house. Husband doesn’t get why I get so upset about not going out. I’m lucky as my mum has been around a lot helping but even still, it’s hard to get out. Sleep deprivation is not helping.

I’m just so fed up. And my friend is going to think I’m pathetic for cancelling her next week.

Ah I wouldn't be so hard on yourself- you're doing a fantastic job! you're still early days so just keeping baby clean and fed is an achievement!

It is hard to get out, but sometimes just being in the fresh air for 15 mins can change your mindset and improve your mood, even if you're absolutely knackered.
Yes def a good idea to practice using the carrier inside. Also, regarding the pram, I just remembered that we used to wrap a towel around my son so that he was snuggly supported in the pram, once he was cushioned in he started to sleep well in the pram.

Also, perseverance! (within reason anyway)- my son always seemed to dislike new sensations the first few times but then would be fine- that included the carrier, pram, car journeys.

I wish in the first few months someone had told me that period wouldn't last forever- it feels like absolute hell somedays when you're in it and can be so lonely but it passes by so quickly (...thank god?!)
Not everyone has an easy baby (I didn't) but as other posters said, babies change. My son's SO energetic now, sleeps 12 hours and is a million times easier than he was this time last year.

RE cancels with your mate- I'm sure she'd understand if you explained. Maybe she could come over to you? or you could reschedule for next month once you've practiced more carrier walks/ pram/car seat journeys? your baby might be totally fine with that journey then.

Really don't be hard on yourself. The first few months can be exhausting. I'm just getting into the swing of things again with my second.

How often does baby sleep in the day?

If they're over tired everything else can be a nightmare. Both my DC have needed a nap within an hour of waking in the morning. I would do that one with them in the baby carrier while I got the bag ready/ put some make up on. Then feed and leave the house as soon as they woke up.

Another thing to check is wind/reflux. Could be made worse by laying flat in pram. My first DC was only happy when we switched to the pushchair attachment.

@Jasperjonesc
I did mention to my friend it was going to be difficult and she’s happy to do the longer leg of the journey, but it feels unfair for her to do the amount that would mean a doable journey for me (15m for me is an hour for her). There’s not many good places to meet between us. I think I just have to cancel. I’m sure she’ll be nice about it, but she’s been all over with her baby since the start.

@waspfig Baby is quite windy & has a problem where pooing is causing him huge distress and often prevents or interrupts sleep. He’s definitely overtired, it’s very hard to get him to nap. Today I’ve Ben trying to get him to nap since 11 (woke up 9.30) wguvh was impossinkevas he needed to poo. Finally got him down at 12.30 only for him to wake within half hour as he pooed. Spent the rest of the day trying to get him to nap. It’s nearly 5pm and he’s only just drifted off into a shallow sleep. I anticipate a long night ahead 😭

Sorry about typos, I guess autocorrect only corrects what you don’t want it to and not what needs it

@SRK16 that sounds tough. Have you spoken to Health visitor or GP about the pooing/wind? They may be able to help if it's affecting his sleep to such an extent. You might already have seen but look up baby massage colic techniques - helped to ease my first DC's reflux.

I really would persevere with the sling - it is still the only way my 6 month old will nap but at least I can get out and get things done while she's strapped to me.

And keep repeating to yourself - it's just a phase, it's just a phase!

You are not doing anything wrong. There is a massive difference between a baby with colic/ reflux and one who doesn't have it. While mine screamed almost non stop for 3 months, and barely slept, I couldn't understand how my best friend's baby was going on long car journeys, sleeping through the night and generally very quiet (at same age). Just hang on in there, it does get better I promise and you should notice a massive difference in a few weeks

I feel so hopeless. I’m so lucky in having such good family support but I’m finding it so hard. Paid for a maternity nurse person to come in today and offer some support and advice. The good news is I’m doing everything right. The bad news is I’m doing EVERYTHING she has suggested and it doesn’t help and I’ve still spent ALL day trying to get my screaming overtired baby to take a nap and he’s only just fallen asleep.

I asked my GP to refer me to perinatal mental health (I have an open referral due to past MH issues) but also think what’s the point, what can they do, this is the reality of life with a baby. And seeing anyone means a 30 minute car journey, so I can’t even get there.

My husband and mum are worried about me and keep telling me to rest but I can’t sleep and this is ridiculous.
I love him so much but I know the sleep deprivation isn’t going to end any time soon, my friends are coming home for Christmas and excited to make plans and I’m dreading seeing anyone because I don’t see how I’ll enkoy myself if things are still this way in a month. My friends keep acting like having a baby is having a handbag. I feel so stupid complaining when others have it worse. I feel like I e got no one to talk to.

@SRK16 can someone watch the baby whilst you go to the perinatal appointment? It's very important to have some time to look after yourself. Or could they come along for support and sit in the back with the baby during the journey?

It sounds as though you are doing nothing wrong and it WILL get better. My DD was a screamer: she hated the pram, she hated the car seat, she hated being held, she just screamed. It was awful; I felt pathetic, my DH and I were arguing and snapping at each other constantly. I dreaded car journeys and quite often called my DH or DM in tears after listening to the screaming. My DD also suffered with colic, constipation and wind which was frankly quite traumatic for everyone! We saw a huge improvement by 12 weeks. I used the sling a lot and implemented a rigid sleep schedule (if she wasn't asleep every 90 - 120 minutes she was vile), I rocked her in the bouncer relentlessly until she fell asleep or used the sling.

By contrast, my DS didn't really cry for the first 3 months of his life. It's almost hard to imagine the carnage that DD caused but it was very real.

Hang in there: if your friend thinks you're pathetic for cancelling then she isn't much of a friend. Just let her know how hard you are finding things at the moment, I'm sure she will understand!

You are doing a fantastic job. It's so hard, please take care of yourself as much as possible. Yes babies will cry and some will cry more than others but anything you can do to make sure you get through it as best as possible, do it.

It will get better, it's different for everyone but I found weeks 5-12 the hardest. And it felt like itd go on forever but it has gone so fast. Don't think too far into the future.

One thing that helped me which might or might not work for you is to just...let it go. If he won't nap then I'll do something else so I'm not focusing on something I can't control/achieve. If I need to get out of the house, make it a zip round the block with some headphones in.

I've also found that things like hating the car seat or the pram have gone in phases (as in change weekly) so keep trying.

I couldn't sleep either, maybe give something like relaxation apps or videos on YouTube a go as these really help me drop off.

Let your friend know, if I was your friend I'd drive to your door and pitch in.

I feel your pain mine is 8 weeks old and the last few days I have just cried because I feel like a prisoner in my flat and super lonely. The weather isnt helping as I dont want to take him for walks in the rain. I feel like I am failing

I remember when baby was that age, I stressed so much about his sleep and it can be hell when they get over tired. You’re not doing anything wrong. I had to also pull over so many times to feed baby as he’d worked himself up so much he was hysterical and sweating.
Rather than pressure yourself to get out and about, can you go over to a friends or your mums where you can just chuck on some comfy clothes, hand baby to them and relax for an hour or so?
Don’t compare yourself to your friend who’s baby is 4 weeks older - so much can and does change in that time.