The loneliness of maternity leave

[rhu86]

I have a 9 month old baby and am finding the crippling loneliness of maternity leave incredibly challenging. I had hoped it would improve over time but even now I feel so very lonely.

I do try- we do go to baby groups and we have been out for coffee with some groups of mums. I miss the depth of older friendships.

I look forward to my partner coming home at the end of the day so I can talk to someone. He doesn’t get it- he is often tired from a 6 day working week and has talked sales all day. He wants to watch tv and not talk. We don’t have any family nearby to help so it is just us three. We are a good team but at the moment I don’t think he understands how I am feeling.

I go back to work soon which I have mixed feelings about. I feel sad about my baby going into childcare and worry about how I will adjust to working life as a mother. Equally, however, I look forward to having more routine and not having days like today when I have nothing to do, no one to see. Wondering if even just taking baby out for a walk/ coffee later on our own might make me feel better.

Has anyone else experienced this real sense of loneliness after having a baby? Do you have any tips which helped you?

Hi there , I totally understand and I think not having family around and a partner who works a lot makes a huge difference. I was in the same boat (dd now 16mo) and found winter very very difficult , particularly on days that didn’t have toddler groups on.

My advice would be to get out every single day, even if it’s to the library or park with a picnic blanket and a few toys thrown in a bag. I normally would end up chatting to someone which helps massively! Toddler groups have been my saviour and there is one on relatively locally to me most days, I always try to go even if dd is asleep when I arrive !

I think you will enjoy being back at work - I went back part time until went on mat leave again (due DD2 in 2 weeks) and it was great! I did have some very tired days but that was due to pregnancy and DD1 being ill/not sleeping. Don’t feel bad about using childcare - my dd LOVES her childminder so much nowadays she actually runs up to her front door and jumps into her arms! We’ve decided to keep sending her for 2 days a week for the duration of my second mat leave.

Honestly, I think unless people have a close network of mum friends and family around, the way you feel
Is very normal. Do you have non-mum friends who are ever free during the week? I quite often offer to visit people for a coffee and take some cake with me - the days can be very long and lovely just you and a little one, and if you can get out for a couple of hours the day will go faster !

Could you meet up with your old friends whilst they’re on their lunch break? Drive and meet them whatever time they have their break & take a picnic if you can afford to eat out. At least you’re getting out & seeing friends. How far away are you family? If they’re a 2 hour drive or less I’d pack a bag the night before and travel to see them in the morning. Spend the day with them then drive back at babies bed time. You’re out all day but it’s lovely.

Even if they’re further than 2 hours could you organise to stay at theirs overnight?

Thanks for your reply- I really appreciate you taking time to respond. We will try to get out later after lunch I think, maybe just for a wander around town and will take a blanket with us and maybe get an ice cream. It is bank holiday Friday here and everyone seems busy with family plans which I don’t think is helping. I feel at a complete loss today.

I think this week has been particularly harder as all baby/toddler groups nearby seem to stop in the holidays. I’ve felt a bit lost without them. They really do break up the day and getting out does make me feel better.

Yes I feel the same often. The baby groups were off for the Easter holidays here too and I felt a bit lost. And that's even though I have a nice group from NCT etc who do meet up. I try to only plan one or two things a day so we don't get overwhelmed and have to dash about but then if something is cancelled it's really gutting. I agree holidays / weekends can be really bad - my DH sometimes works weekends and those are the worst as often my old friends are doing stuff I can't bring a baby to and mum friends are busy with their partners.

What I have found helps is going to exercise classes where the baby isn't the focus. E.g. a spin class where the prams come in and you park them in front of the bikes and a baby yoga class where you do your own yoga and the babies hang out in the middle, then 15 minutes of baby massage at the end. I find it often stimulates more normal adult chat as the babies aren't the centre the whole time.

Is there a cinema near you that does baby friendly showings? We go a lot and it's surprising how much you take in even with a squirming crawling person!

It is bank holiday Friday here and everyone seems busy with family plans which I don’t think is helping. I feel at a complete loss today.

Yeah it’s the hols here too, baby groups been off for two weeks and Our CM was on holiday too, and my duh working - I found it really hard to entertain dd each day. It won’t be Easter hols for ever, your plan to get into town is a good one ! I really do understand, I have no family close by and few friends with children. A few mum friends but they don’t want to hang out with me every day!
A lot of them have gone away too, particularly this weekend , but we can’t as I’m about drop a sprog and DH is ALWAYS WORKING so again, me and DD to amuse ourselves ! She’s asleep just now but I’m making her a packed lunch and putting some toys in a bag. when she wakes we are going to start with the local park and see where the day takes us. It’s lovely having only a small non verbal person for company though

On the off chance you are in the a north east we are available !!

Lovely=lonely

Oh - re baby groups - I’ve found a lot of the groups that cost money (£5 rather than the token £1 of a church hall group) DO tend to be on during the hols. There is an app called Hoop which is pretty good x

I’ve experience what you are talking about. I still cried the night before going back to work. Going back to work helped me soooo much. I was much happier at work than sahm. I then became a sahm when dc started school.

I could have written the original post myself. I have no advice, but just to say you are not alone. I'm finding it so lonely too.

Oh I hated maternity leave for this reason. Plus I had what felt like the hardest baby in the world. I went out every morning and every afternoon to pass the time. I also joined a mums and babies fitness group called Busy Lizzy and went to a class every weekday morning. That was great as I saw the same faces most days. But yeh it was so incredibly lonely. I'm expecting my second child at the moment and dreading going through it again!