Lack of sleep makes me feel totally inadequate

[TheRhythmessCarolMan]

With 6 month old. Barely slept last night and the mums group I'm in, although they are lovely people, often chat about their 'successes' and milestones which makes me feel so rotten tbh.
I don't want to leave the group because it's my only source of useful info apart from the bloody internet. DD's grandparents not around and family so busy themselves. I'm quite a private person and although people say 'give me a call anytime you need' I don't exactly feel like picking up the phone when I'm all snotty and gross.
She's teething so have given Calpol sporadically over the last few days but I hate pumping her with this sort of stuff but yet feel cruel watching her cry. Sometimes when I'm trying to get her to sleep I don't know if her crying means pain in her gums/digestion or if she's just screaming her head off at falling asleep. DH tries to help but his solution is to soothe with Calpol/Infacol or just take her for a drive and I worry about her spending too much time in the car. She's never taken bottle/dummy so I feel quite alone in that I have to care for her but I start work in the new year which is stressing me out.
Not sure if any of you kind folk can talk me back into my senses- I've never had depression and I doubt this is pnd because I'm unusually fine but I'm so teary today having been awake (apart from an hour and half when DH took DD for drive) since 3am.
Sleep deprivation is making me into a bit of a monster.

Oh you poor thing. Sleep deprivation is a killer. It makes you feel like absolute crap.

I would take everything that's said in a group chat with a pinch of salt. I was in an NCT group chat with my first baby and a lot of what was shared was bollocks - I would imagine there are others struggling just as much but not talking about it.

Can you bedshare with DD to try and get a bit more sleep? With breastfeeding it's often the easiest way for everyone to sleep more.
Could be worth trying some of the teething powders you can get - Ashton and Parsons was the one we used. Not sure if it was just the pressure on the gums, or the different taste, but it often stopped the crying for a bit.

OP, you need to do what you need to do to get by.

Don't worry about creating bad habits, babies change so frequently in the first year to 18months, you will have highs and lows with everything from sleeping/eating/illness etc.

If the car helps settle her, go for it. I had one child who only ever napped in the car or on me. We spent a lot of time in the car. He's now fine (though at 4 will still fall asleep in the car if he's tired).

If she's getting relief from calpol, give it to her. It's only paracetamol, it's not remotely harmful.

It's hard, having a baby who is so dependent on you. I Totally sympathise. Trust me when I say everyone feels the same at times, even if they don't admit to it.

Don't worry about creating bad habits unless they become problematic, that's always been my ethos. Co sleep of it's helps, don't worry until/if it becomes a problem. Many children Co sleep / bedshare etc and it doesn't cause any lasting issues. Same with things like dummy usage.

Thank you- I've just looked at the Ashton & Parsons website and it's good. Some useful tips there. I like that it's a more natural product too.
I'm co sleeping but I think this makes the little sleep we get worse quality. I'm in spare room. I just don't have the will or strength in the depth of the night to rock her back into her cot so end up side feeding us both back to 'sleep' and the cycle continues night after night.

Thanks @Srsly
I only worry about the car because I read (online🙄) that it can be bad for their backs/breathing. I read into everything too much probably

I could be wrong but I think by six months that risk is much lower. Obviously I wouldn't be driving around for literally hours, but other than that I wouldn't worry.

My second had almost an hour's round trip on the school run every morning and afternoon. His naps coincided so he always slept in the car. I had no choice but to bring him with me from 6 weeks old!

Oh ok! That's good to know. I'm actually feeling a bit more like myself again now that I've vented on here.

How are things going OP?
Was just thinking back to when I was going through the same thing... what really helped the most was finding other people who were going through similar experiences, and through talking to them - realising that all babies are different, and some just don't sleep well! All I did for months was read conflicting advice about sleep, and nothing helped. Once I finally accepted that all I could do was try and get as much sleep as I could, working around DS's sleep (or lack of it) it all felt a lot easier.

Thank you so much for asking. Feeling quite different today despite having the same lack of sleep overnight.
Yesterday I was thinking so irrationally- I needed to snap out of it. It's easy to say these happier thoughts to yourself when baby is happy (asleep in my arms as I write) but when you're at the end of your tether and baby is screaming and crying it's so easy to get dragged down especially when sleep deprived. When I'm so tired I often just don't have the strength to control my emotions (and poor DH and the cat get the outbursts which are so unlike my normal character, which then make me feel more guilty and upset).

As you say, I need to be around people who are in the same boat. My nct group chat is full of 'exciting news' but when your own baby isn't there yet it is hard not to compare even though I know that's really really silly.

A friend of mine has a baby of the same age who was hospitalised last week (fine now) so I need to be grateful I have a healthy and (mostly) happy baby.

Glad you're feeling more on top of things. Just remember, you're not alone and you're doing a fantastic job as a mum. Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas 💕 🎄

Honestly, your OP could have been written by me. I totally feel you. Sleep deprivation is the absolute worst - you must be feeling really rough. Sorry you're having such a hard time.

Sleep deprivation magnifies all our negative feelings x100, so it's totally understandable that you would be feeling anxious about lots of things.

As for baby groups, they are the worst! A bunch of people all pretending to be fine to each other while they fall apart behind closed doors. If only people were honest about their struggles, it would be easier for us all to see how we're all in the same boat, really.

Despite what it might feel like, you are doing an amazing job; you've got this! Go easy on yourself and do whatever you need to get you through. Calpol is safe as houses, and any sleep/calming props you use now can be weaned in the future.

I'm always awake at 3am, because babies are bastards, so feel free to hit me up if you need someone to remind you that you're doing brilliantly. ♥️

Always happy for a random 3am message too if you need support!

Oh thank you so much. It's so nice to read I'm not the only one even though I know this, really, but I only tell myself those positive thoughts when I'm in s better mood. Stupid hormonal emotions.

I still feel frustrated that I have no strength to stop co sleeping. I feel so distant from my hubby, sleeping separately, and I feel we would all sleep better if I can just break the cycle. But I suppose I just have to trust the advice out there that tells me my DD will sleep in her own space when she's ready.

Last night was slightly better after doses of Calpol at 9pm and 2am. At least our 45 min stints had better quality sleep in between

@TheRhythmessCarolMan Not sure if this is any help, but I've had a little success with starting him off in the cot each night. At first he wouldn't settle there at all and I'd just take him into the bed, but eventually we've got to the point where he settles until he first wakes up for a feed. Then he comes in with me. The last couple of nights, he's started to be able to be resettled in the cot after the first feed, although not for long. Gradual process and still co-sleeping a lot, but it makes me feel like I'm making progress. ☺️

That sounds really good @CharleeFarley
Actually DD is asleep in cot for first bit too (7ish to 10ish). I could count on one hand how many times I've had the energy/will power to rock her to sleep after that, which might bring us to midnight. But going by your progress maybe that might inspire me to keep trying.

Most nights I get to the point when I just can't be asked to go through with it and think 'to hell with that, just come in with me'. Your post may just be the light at the end of the tunnel I need!

Thank you to those who have commented on the mum groups problems too. I like having the network but there's one lady in particular who often announces each little milestone in our WhatsApp chat- she's not lying about it because there are videos 🙄. I'm not a competitive person and I'm not jealous or anything but it does eat away at you especially if you're having 'one of those days' anyway. Or if you feel you're the only one in the group who hasn't experienced such things. Silly, isn't it?

@TheRhythmessCarolMan Totally feel you on the can't-be-bothered thing. My rule is I'll try once, then if he won't settle, it's in with me. I'm simply not prepared to spend an hour trying to settle him when I could be at least dozing with him in my bed. ☺️ But there have been an increasing number of down-first-time situations recently, so fingers crossed!