Newborn - how do you get anything done?

[boxesoffrogs]

My dd is five weeks old. Really struggling with getting anything achieved - ever. It gets to 2pm, and I’m not dressed, she’s not dressed, house is a state. Today I got dressed at 3.30 and only because I had a friend coming over...
I look a mess, she has developed nappy rash. I have no idea how as I am changing her as often as I possibly can, every hour or so.
My partner works late, got in last night at 11. So he is no help. Plus I am bf her so I am up all night.
I have cancelled plans, despite the best of intentions to get up and out, missed loads of baby groups I said I would attend, and basically feel like I am losing my mind.
Anyone got any words of wisdom? Or hope?

Evening, my EBF baby and I could never make it downstairs until after midday! So it does get easier I promise! Mornings consisted of feed, feed, feed!! I was told from 6 weeks it will become easier but for me it was 8 weeks where baby would last a little longer between feeds and I was probably more confident in handling my baby. The thought of attending baby groups in the morning was beyond me but eventually it will come and you’ll find yourself being able to get out at 9:15!! Hang in there xx

I remember those days.

Even with 2 older dc and a toddler a remarkable amount of day can fly by at the weekend and no one is out of pjs 🙈

I just came by to say if they're are no handy afternoon sling libraries near you, you can hire online too. The first one I can think of off the top of my head is "it's a sling thing" but local ones might offer it too. :)

Thanks for the making sure her bum is completely dry advice, will be much more careful in future (this is the sort of useful stuff they should actually tell you about caring for a baby!) Using the metanium cream on it and it has cleared right up, so hopefully that will solve any problems in future.

Terrible night last night, she woke every single hour. Every hour!!! Tried feeding, swaddling, Ewan the (not so) dream sheep, rocking, dummy... but no success. Only thing that worked periodically was sleeping on me. But that is not sustainable in terms of me getting any sleep! Just fed her on and off for nearly two hours, popped her back in her Moses basket and she is hiccuping away with her dummy and that bloody sheep making heartbeat noises. So I feel today is going to be another write off as I am shattered and the snow has all turned to ice so no way am I risking the car or the buggy.

I will try and be productive and look up some sling libraries or the online hire one... going to pick my battles today re housework etc. Partner just stomped off to work, complaining that he is tired as he has had no sleep. Note: he never deals with her in the night, just leaves it up to me to pick her up and feed it, which i do pretty sharpish, plus he is a heavy sleeper so not sure what he is moaning about. Thinking about telling him just to sleep in the spare room in future, he’s no help with her at the moment.

Feel I am moaning on, and a lot of you have mentioned how useful your partners are. In all honesty, how much help do you expect/want? Because I feel like I am literally getting none, and that I should be ‘grateful’ for every time he gives her a cuddle or changes a nappy. I walked the dog yesterday just to get out, got home and he was still in bed watching YouTube. He said he couldn’t possibly have done anything until I came back to look after the baby?!?

When DP is home I expect 50:50 share of house/children 'duties'. He helped make our children, and he lives in the house too.

I don't expect him to do all the housework because he works full time but he can certainly wash up/make dinner. I do light cleaning through the week, vacuum, mop, laundry and general tidy/wipe down etc while he's at work and eldest is at school. Over the weekend we do a more thorough clean and share tasks.

Doesn't always work this way. If I've had a particularly busy day with kids or other things then some housework gets left. If he's knackered after work then I cook while he cuddles the baby and plays with eldest. Nobody cares if the house is a tip if we're both exhausted, can always be picked up tomorrow. But we're very much equal in our house.

I'm sorry your partner seems to be slacking, personally I think he needs to recognise that just because you birthed baby and he works, you are not solely responsible for taking care of her.

On MN I feel like my husband is a minority. He left the house at 3 am to get to Heathrow to get to Paris for a work meeting (after the chaos at Heathrow yesterday). Despite that he woke up with the baby (we have no 2- we must be nuts), did all the housework etc. He's only back mid week and will jump right in. He does everything- nappies, housework (not up to my standard always to be fair!), cooks. And especially with both kids he does EVERYTHING.
Yesterday in the morning he took both downstairs, had them changed, fed, played with both, put the baby down for a nap, got the older one to do his homework, tidied up toys, washed the breakfast dishes and put away a load of laundry.
I work 4 days a week and I wouldn't expect anything less. We are equal partners in parenting. I have always made it clear that I wasn't given some mysterious baby manual that he doesn't have access to.
There are some things that do fall to me- the mental labour of parenting. Are nappies running out? What kind of birthday party does the 6 year old want? Is the baby growing out of his clothes? Have we run out of loo roll? Oh, we need to pay for swimming lessons for next term. And write the Christmas cards. And post them because the magic postal fairy does not. All of that falls to me. But for the most part we are equal parents.

BUT as I said at the start I have discovered that this is a minority position on MN.

It took me until my daughter was 10 months before i could be ready to go to playgroups. And from then on they were my lifeline of friendships for me. Don't be too hard on yourself. Try www.amazon.co.uk/Green-People-Organic-Babies-Nappy/dp/B000RGXII8?tag=mumsnetforum-21 www.spiritofnature.co.uk/products/moltex/ for your nappy rash. Focus on your health, talk and sing to your baby. Don't worry what you look like - to be honest no-one will look at your now just your gorgeous baby! My daughter is a teenager now, treasure these moments whilst they are so small and need you.

Just read your next post. I never went out when it snowed with my daughter even when she was able to walk - worried that if i fell and broke my leg what would happen to her? My daughter didn't sleep well at all, you will get used to it, just catnap when you can. Can you get more help with the dog walking? We had a rota for sleep - i went to bed at 7pm after a feed, and husband dealt with Baby until 11pm. He had the 11pm -5am sleep so he could function at work and he did from 5am-7.30am shift. It helped us knowing whose turn it was and we managed to get some reasonable sleep patterns. Good luck

Your OH is not doing enough. My DH always does bath time, takes DS downstairs after his first feed on Saturdays and Sundays so I get to lie in, he changes nappies, does a lot of the housework (he was doing it all to begin with but now DS is 6 months and will actually play in his jumperoo for a bit I can do more), spent Sunday batch cooking meals to freeze for this week and sorting laundry. I breastfeed and do all night feeds so we see this as fair (and yes, DH does work FT). If DS has a bad night, the first thing DH does when he gets in from work is ask if I need a nap and keeps DS quiet for as long as he can. I really think you need to have a serious talk with your partner as you must be exhausted and I don't think I would cope in your position.

We had the graco swing for DD1 and found it to be a lifesaver. It self rocks and plays music/white noise like heartbeats or nature sounds. DD1 loved it and I got her to sleep in it often. Now using it for DD2 who is now 11 weeks.
direct.asda.com/george/baby/bouncers-swings/graco-lovin-hug-swing/050274711,default,pd.html?cmpid=ppc--george-------_-dskwid-s92700020282152189_dm&cwd=geo&cwf=pm&cwc=ppc-pla&gclid=CjwKCAiA9rjRBRAeEiwA2SV4ZctLrhM5JrhMPbV3KciDANhUyyJc2R-5xUtHeMoxZdsI1c2ryv9RkRoCCt0QAvD_BwE

Like you, with DD1 I struggled to get out of the house before midday at this stage. With DD2 I have no choice Monday to Friday as I have to do school run. I try to make life easier for myself by having 3 sets of clothes ready the night before. But sometimes DD2 will go out in babygro and I come home to wash and change her (she is a reflux baby and I'm lucky if an outfit lasts 12hrs!!).
I bathe/shower of an evening when DH is home. Normally with both girls. In the mornings it's a quick flannel wash and I congratulate myself if I manage to brush my teeth before school run!!!

Only go to baby groups if you feel you need to for you!! I don't do anything like that at this stage. I personally prefer to make sleep/rest a priority.
Don't look at what other mums are doing with their day. Think about what you would like to do, and make your way there slowly.

And definitely get your partner to do more. Working 12-8 isn't excessive. He definitely has enough time to keep on top of laundry and washing up.
My DH (who is far from perfect!!) Works 8-11 days doing a physical job. If he is home in time he does afternoon school pick up. He normally cooks dinner. Clears up dog mess in garden. He normally gets baby for ready each night. And will do other things depending on what time he got in that day. I make sure he cuddles baby for at least 15 mins each night, not just so he bonds with her, but so I have a break.
But like I said he's far from perfect. I wish he would do a little more / do things unprompted. Like a pp I do all the mental parenting!! Does feel like I have a 3rd child at times

8-11 hour days, obviously

Will see if I can get one of those rocks, thanks coldfeet.

I know he’s not doing nearly enough, but for some reason I feel like I should be doing all of it as I am at home all day. Not sure why... just feel a whole sense of guilt that I don’t get much done (although I do bloody everything around here), but I feel really guilty for dd, like I am failing her by not taking her out or ‘playing with her, as much as you can play with a 5 week old, and just desperately trying to keep her asleep when she is not feeding so that I can try and get things done. And getting frustrated with her when she wakes me up every hour of the night and just wants to be cuddled

got about two hours sleep last night and haven’t managed to have a nap/get dressed etc because I feel like I am constantly on edge, if she even stirs I feel I have to rush to her to settle her so she will sleep for longer... lucky to have a great dog walker who takes the dog for the whole day three times or do a week, but since we have moved it involves picking her up and dropping her off, which means I need to start getting me and the baby at least 45 mins before to get her there in time. And when the weather is like this, it’s impossible to get them both out by myself, I’ve done it a few times but it was just so stressful, i really struggled with pram plus dog lead etc (need to take her across roads to get to the park).

Almost feels like I spend my days waiting for him to get home so he can help, but he generally doesn’t, mainly gets back after 9pm and gets to hold her for half an hour or so here or there when she is clean and fed and sleepy. Fed up of asking for help and feeling like I should be grateful when he makes dinner (and leaves all the tidying up for me to do) once in a while. My mum is getting on and has health issues so can’t ask her for help, plus his parents live a plane journey away, the rest of my friends work full time, that’s why I wanted to try and get to these baby groups...

I just feel pretty miserable, lonely and a failure right now. Sorry.

6 months in and am still in my PJs. I have learned to embrace it. I did find the first 8 weeks hellish. I booked a few baby classes midweek to encourage me to get up and out. The other days I just go with the flow.

“I just feel pretty miserable, lonely and a failure right now. Sorry.”
I have felt exactly like this a lot over the past 8 weeks, and I have daily support from my mum who takes the baby for 2 hours so I get 1 hour of peaceful sleep and 1 hour to shower and eat cereal, tidy and do jobs.
So the way you feel is normal and you are doing a great job, all on your own by the sounds of it.
I have also found the past 2 weeks easier (weeks 6-8). We’ve had some great nights sleep, and every time she smiles she buys another hour of fractuous time off me! It’s relentless at the beginning when there is no reward for all the hard work. Hang in there.... every day is a day nearer to things easing up a bit

Having a baby in many western societies can actually be so isolating and lonely and new mothers are not expecting that. You are doing a great job OP and everything you describe is normal.

My baby was born in May and before I'd had him I had a whole summer of prosecco drinking in my garden planned with lots of different friends.... reality was that for the first 4/5 months I was never dressed before the afternoon and the thought of leaving the house filled me with dread. Around the 5 month mark something "clicked" he started sleeping better and we were both washed and dressed by mid morning . He's now 7 months and I love my life with him. Those first few months are so hard and nothing can prepare you. Take any help that is offered and sleep when you can! Use your friends and family when they pop round to watch the baby so you can have a shower or tidy up. I PROMISE you things get easier x

So sorry to hear you feel like that boxes. I have a 4 week old DD and our days look pretty similar to yours (and I don't have a dog to worry about, although do have a diabetic cat!). My DH works away mon-fri so we're on our own. We got a sling in preparation for him going back to work this week and DD loves it and will sleep really well in it. We went for Ergobaby Omni in the end (quite pricey but what are credit cards for if not to save your sanity in the early weeks with a baby!).
I'm lucky that I have friends who will come round to see me & don't care if I'm still in pjs and unshowered. I have had good intentions of making it to a bf support group but all the local ones are mornings and a bit beyond us at the moment.
I'm trying to just enjoy the cuddly time with DD, not stress about the house too much and start planning a few things to try & get to in the new year.
Take care OP, sounds like you're doing great.

How are you doing, Frogs?

In answer to your original question: you just don't get anything done. It's all about re-setting your expectations lower i.e. if you both get through the day alive then you've done a perfect job as a new mother. For me, the first 6-8 weeks were pretty awful, if I'm honest. After that it started getting more bearable, then increasingly nice and fun. Now (17m) I absolutely love it - he's totally awesome and hilarious, and I wish I could spend more time with him (but I work full time).

Someone above recommended a book "What mothers do". The title doesn't sound very promising but the book is absolutely brilliant. Please read it (little bits here and there, or whatever you can manage!).

Re the sling (if you haven't already got one), make sure you take advice from people with a similar build to you, i.e. similar height and fleshiness/boneyness. What suited my friend (who kindly lent me hers) totally didn't work for me because our hip shape is very different. So try some on. I think it would have made such a difference to my sanity in those early weeks/months if I'd had a sling that worked for me.

Hope things are starting to get easier for you. Is your partner stepping up at all?

Hi all I have a 3 week old son (first child and at this rate my last!) I've never felt exhaustion like it. He's normally fine during the day but come 9 pm onwards he seems to realise he has a good pair of lungs and man does he know how to use them! Last night on Hogmanay me and hubby had planned a quiet night in, wee one fed and chilling in living room with us before he started. From about 9 pm right through till 3 this morning he would not settle. No amount of cuddles nappy changes or feeds would sooth him. I broke down just after the bells and once those flood gates are open they don't close! I'm glad to hear I'm not alone (not that I wish this exhaustion on anyone) it's just nice to know there are other fellow mums out there feeling what I'm feeling and this is kinda normality for now. ☺ congratulations though to all of you on the arrival of your little bundles x

@boxesoffrogs how are you getting on?
My ds is 8 weeks old today and when I read your post I thought that’s totally me (no dog though). My family live abroad and dp has no contact with his family and he went back to work after 2 weeks, by then my recovery from c-sec was manageable but I didn’t get out of the house the first week I was on my own as we live in a flat and I couldn’t carry the pram down on my own. I ebf my ds and he almost feeds non stop which has been exhausting but I’m finding as he is getting older he’s awake more and he can go three hours without a feed if walked in the pram, carried in a sling, on the bus, train etc. I bought a sling (marsupi, bought on amazon, used but as new for about £40, initially bought a caboo but didn’t get on with stretchy fabric, this one is so easy to put on it’s got Velcro) as we were going abroad at 5 weeks, it totally stressed me out thinking of all the things that could go wrong and regretted agreeing to it several times as I imagined that he would want to feed all the time but no he didn’t need a feed until we were in the air, it went so well. I have now started using the sling in the house to get things done and he’ll happily sleep for a couple of hours. I also take him out in the pram regularly and have managed to visit a friend where he slept the whole time (doesn’t always happen) and we could enjoy a chat over coffee and I’ve been to Costa a couple of times. I never thought I’d be able to do these things as like you I could go a whole day and still be in my pj and not having showered etc but I would say in the last week or so I’ve seen a change plus I’m getting better at finding ways to get things done, like shower when dh is around etc. It also depends on how much sleep I’ve had, last night wasn’t that great but otherwise the last week has been pretty good sleep wise. My next purchase will be a bouncy chair that vibrates on its own, just got to do a bit of research as have no idea which one to go for.
Hope things are getting easier for you😊

I would really recommend a swing chair rather than bouncy. Babies r us have one for £40 the moment. My baby will sit in it mesmorised for a while, then fall asleep. Its the only way she falls asleep in the house unless in my arms. It gives me time for a shower and to get dressed and do make up. Mine is on loan from a friend but is one of my essential items and will use for baby 2 if there is one!

You don't get much done but those magical early days are so special. Just enjoy it all!