May 2017 #16 Sleep deprivation, mumnesia and first smiles

[crazyzooo]

New thread to celebrate the small things (like first smiles and eating steak with one hand), commiserate over the less fabulous stuff (poonamies, vomit eruptions and wind spring to mind) and someone to talk to at 4am

I think speaking to your health visitor is a really good idea @Rustler74

Hope you are ok!

Hi @Rustler74
Sorry to hear your OH is finding it tough. Mine has struggled a bit but with no previous history he's levelling again. It actually affected me more negatively than him overall, as I felt lacking in support from, as you point out, the person you are most dependent on at this sensitive time, and if anything I'm the one with previous issues/a predisposition to MH problems (runs through family, have one very ill sibling so know how hard it can be). Not sure whether this is any help but I spoke to my Gp and have self referred to the psychology department of the hospital in order to take part in treatment. Not sure what will be deemed most appropriate- CBT or other therapy. There was no hesitation from the GP- I think they are very sensitive to new parents MH. If you couldn't get OH to go to, or open up to his GP, I'm fairly sure your HV could give you info regarding how and where to self refer. It might make it a little easier for him to start the process. I did it online so
perhaps you could even help him to do it?
Good luck, you sound like a lovely supportive partner which will no doubt be of huge help to him. And we're here if you need to talk- I know it can be stressful being the support role.
Just a thought but the Charity Mind has been invaluable for my sibling, and they offer advice to men and women struggling during this period. Also the Pandas foundation deal specifically with Pre and Postnatal MH, so might be worth talking to for advice alongside HV/GP route

Our baby is crying inconsolably tonight - he has a full tummy, has been burped, is warm and clean, no temperature, and no amount of singing, shushing or snuggling is helping it's hard when they can't articulate what it is they need...

@teainbed - yes he was absolutely fabulous, so reckon we timed it right. Expect he will become more trouble as he gets older...!

Sorry to hear your other half is struggling @rustler74. You sound very supportive. DP struggled a bit straight after the birth. The birth it self and the following complications were pretty horrific and must have been scary to watch!! He seems to have processed it now after speaking about it with me and a few mates who had experienced similar.

@cox us too!! I have given up on today (washing everywhere, dirty dishes, need to unpack suitcases etc) but baby crazy will only settle on my chest w skin to skin. So have retired to bed without our tops on!

@CoxsOrangePippin we've had a really unsettled evening tonight with an overtired baby. She ate so much that I can't believe there was anything left in there! I don't think the heat today helped. She's finally asleep on my chest but not sure it will last.

@CoxsOrangePippin same here, she's had everything I can possibly give her. The situation is not being helped by the fact that I'm exhausted and am sat here in tears...

@Rustler74 I hope your OH gets the help needed, I've spoken to my DH today to say that I've been in touch with my MW to talk about myself as I don't feel like I'm coping particularly well. It's so important that we talk about these things, Mummies and Daddies

Cox, Raspberry if you haven't tried it already, my advice for evenings like that is to get the sling out. Nothing gets them to sleep like it. It's very warm so strip down to just a nappy first.

It's a huge transition for any new parent rustler. Would he go and see the GP? My DH had a tough time when we were renovating the house and under a lot of financial stress. His GP referred him for CBT for anxiety. It really helped.

First bath with both girls in today. Couldn't imagine how it would work before she was here, but was actually fine. Still struggling with the mornings though. Dd2 wants to feed pretty much constantly from first thing til about 11, which is also when dd1 wants to be out and about.

rustler even without prior issues, it's common for fathers to go a bit weird. Usually they try to "provide" for the new baby by working too hard, which is just about the last thing a new mother needs!

Definitely worth getting him to go to the group for support. Can you perhaps phrase it as a "it's important for all of us that you do this, so I'll make sure you have Monday evenings off to go, and later when I'm able to leave baby rustler, you can look after him on Thursday evenings so i can go to gym/take up life drawing/whatever"? (In case he thinks it unfair that he goes out on his own and that's what's stopping him?)

One of my boobs really hurts, it feels bruised even when I'm not feeding. I consulted Dr Google and it suggests a blocked duct. Does anyone have any advice on how to clear it or do I have to suck it up (no pun intended) and let him feed on it despite it hurting like hell?!

@Rabbitykins55 We were told to massage the boob and to keep feeding from it as usual, and the two combined should clear the duct

Sorry to hear about the OHs struggling. You sound like such wonderful, supportive partners.

Hope today is a better day raspberry. It is such a horrible feeling - definately worth talking to hv / gp if it doesn't ease off soon. I feel so much better after being started on antidepressants - I really was in a bad place before.

rabbity I had this earlier this week! Hot shower & massage the area towards the nipple, feed feed feed / express as much as possible on that side, and I used an electric toothbrush to massage the area too! Something worked as it cleared by the next day. Hope it gets sorted soon.

@Rabbitykins55 Keep feeding and expressing or it could turn into mastitis (which I just had... awful). Warm compress a few minutes before feeding, massage the area when baby is nursing but paused, express and massage in the shower, and I found paracetamol helped a lot. Also try switching up feeding positions each time as it helps ensure all ducts get cleared.

@Rabbitykins55 I've been told that combing your boob (with a comb) towards the nipple can help move things through as well.

Thank you all for the tips! Will be giving them all a go! It's bloody painful, if I didn't know better I'd swear he had a full set of teeth!

I think by accident we've discovered co sleeping. After his second night feed Jacob wouldn't settle so I scooped him up and positioned his head on my chest and his body supported my arm. Within five minutes he was fast off and slept from 5:30 till 8:45 and I think he only woke up then as I woke up. I feel so much better for getting bonus sleep. Her usually be awake again at 7:30 ish for a feed.
It's OH's one and only day off today so hopefully going to do some nice family things. I really need to go to John Lewis and return a sling which I'm frightened to use and maybe buy a Father's Day card. Not being able to drive still is so restrictive. Come on three weeks.

Sorry to all those with OHs that are finding it difficult. My husband has really taken to being a dad and seems to be loving it and I am the one really struggling at the moment.

Finley is 3 weeks and 1 day now and since the weekend he has been really colicky especially in the afternoon and evenings. He is frequently awake, screaming and inconsolable even when being held between 2pm and 2am and I am finding it hard to cope. Dh has gone back to work this week and I'm finding it so exhausting looking after the baby by myself all day, especially when he won't settle. I'm in a bit of a dark place at the moment and finding it difficult to see how it's going to get any better. I don't feel like I can talk to my health visitor as she is really unapproachable was really horrible to me about formula feeding when she last came round. She knew none of the circumstances about why I couldn't breastfeed (huge post partum haemorrhage resulting in no milk, then baby wouldn't latch as was used to bottles, I was in a huge amount of pain following the birth and could barely hold him) she just chucked a load of leafless at me, told me I should put him on the boob instead of formula feeding and that I wasn't trying hard enough... not what I need right now

Claire have you looked at the crysis website?

@BouncingBlueberry www.lullabytrust.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/fact-sheet-bedsharing.pdf useful into if you plan to cosleep.

@ClaireSunflower I was feeling like that a few weeks ago. I went to my local children's centre and spoke to a health visitor there, is that an option for you?

Balls to what your health visitor says about feeding. As long as baby is fed it doesn't matter how.

@teainbed thanks for the link. I don't think we will co sleep as he usually settles really well in the Next2me. It was just so nice to have a bit of bonus sleep. He's also been really content this morning although he did throw up on my OH.

Thanks @Rabbitykins55 I have a children's centre nearby so might try and go and talk to someone soon.

What upset me most about the HV was that while I was sad and felt horribly guilty about not breastfeeding I'd actually come to terms with it and was happy that we'd found something that worked for us and the baby is gaining weight and she basically told me that what I'm doing isn't good enough and that I'm not trying hard enough for my baby.

@savagehk I have heard of crysis before and I'm going to have a look at the website today. I'm sure it will be helpful.

@ClaireSunflower if you went to a drop in at your Children's centre your more than likely going to meet different members of the HV team our local feeding supporters usually attend as well. I hope all ladies who aren't feeling 100% get the support they need and deserve.
I struggled as a teenager with MH issues and have been frightened they'll come back. I sometimes have dark moments where I feel like I'm doing the worlds worst job but I try to look at the positives. I found looking at a picture of him from first born and comparing it to now helps me to see how much he's grown and changed.

Not sure where I got this from... But it made me laugh!

I want a nap but...toddler.

@ClaireSunflower hang on in there- it does get better. Mini mighty is 5 weeks and has settled considerably in the last week. He was just as you describe prior to this and I cried daily- oh was busy all day and I couldn't get a break to even shower.
One thing that really helped me to level out is getting a babysitter. I know it sounds a bit unusual with a baby this young, and I questioned my worth constantly (why can't I cope, I should be able to, etc) but It turns out it's not uncommon and plenty of families seek this kind of support. if you don't have family nearby to help then it really can be a lifeline to allow you a sleep, a shower, etc, even if you only have a 3 hour booking. It's amazing what a short break can do for you. Please don't feel you have to struggle alone- these small babies are tough work, and we shouldn't feel we should be able to cope alone and deal with the guilt of struggling-it's a strange product of western culture. Don't feel guilty about asking for practical support, especially If you are feeling low. And sod that HV- that sounds deeply insensitive and unhelpful. You are feeding and nourishing your baby who will thrive in your care and it sounds like you're doing a great job during a really tough time. Inconsolable babies can be very stressful if you can't hand them over now and again.
I found my sitter via and agency and can honestly say within two weeks of meeting her she has transformed our wellbeing. I can't afford her too frequently but even a few hours a week has made a difference. It was strange at first, and now it feels very positive and natural. Could this be a back up idea for you?