March 2013- the one where plonk gets married!

[Gerrythetootallgiraffeswife]

Perilously close to filling the old thread suddenly!

Yowch Stormy.

Something I mean it when I say : start blogging freelance, you never know where it might lead.

I think we're approaching some kind of poorly. Ds is being ridiculously clingy, will only eat cheese and grapes, and has sat cuddling up to me for the last hour. Oh and he produced a delightful nappy at nursery. His poor keyworker. Calpol and cuddles duly administered.

I BLOODY LOVE THE BAKE OFF!

That is all.

wotta and something get well soon. Hope ypu gave both managed an early night.

plonky good luck with the photography. Never lose sight of your dreams. I should really listen to my advice. We are also happy to be your models.

eco and something life is shit sometimes isn't. Worse when you need/want to change something but whichever direction you turn there is a hurdle. Would be easier if we knew what we wanted.

stormy hope your dd is ok now from her fall.

First time ever ds went to nursery without crying hence me smiling to work this morning rather than crying from the guilt of leaving him at nursery.

I can't sleep. Grr. I am thinking too much. I have seen a job vacancy slightly low key than my current role but for a team leader. I don't have management experience. Should I still apply anyway do you think? Or how does someone make the leap into management?

betty I love the bake off too!

Hello beauties.

Stormy I don’t even know what my facilities are. Sounds rude. I guess I meant when I have my faculties back. Thanks for the hug. Things are always worse at night; that seems to be a universal truth (unless you’re in a tent, when things are always better).

I’ve had more than my fair share of nights where I’ve had 3 ish hours of sleep a night over the last couple of weeks, for a variety of reasons. Last night was one. Again. Ecotod had insomnia as far as I can see. I was with her for three hours, she was trying really hard to sleep but just couldn’t drop off. DH is recovering from a D and V bug (which feels like a ticking time tomb for myself and my girl, what with my stupid emetophobia and all) so was in bed. It was another lonely night. Previous night I was listening to poor DH be ill all night.

Anyhow, the problem is bigger than that. I just can’t shake the feeling of malaise this moment. I have had, throughout my thirties when we are supposed to be happier in our skins and content in life, 3 periods of feeling dodgy. Not depressed I don’t think, but just a feeling that I needed to start paying proper attention to myself to prevent a spiral. Not sure if that makes sense. These three times were directly correlated to unexpected events: 1) my Mum’s sudden death (we were having Sunday lunch one moment and making wedding plans and she was dead the next) 2) the departure of my partner of 9 years (Relationships board would say there were signs…in my case I maintain there were not) and 3) my post that I cared a great deal about being made redundant. Each time I collapsed in a heap, sought refuge with friends, philosophised about stuff and hatched plans to recover and move onwards. Each time I managed it.

This time I’ve been sniffing signs of all not being well since Christmas really so that’s a long time. With one thing and another I’ve not managed to move past the collapse in heap stage. I think it has to do with another unexpected event (which makes me think I’m some sort of control freak who cannot deal with things not going my way). As we never ‘tried’ for a baby Ecotod was a rather lovely unexpected event I suppose. But we got our heads around that very quickly and there was no collapse there. I expected to have a baby, love it fiercely, take a year to envelop myself in motherhood and then return to work/bikes/running/dancing/adventures, albeit at a compromised pace and frequency. I think crucially I DID NOT go back to work. The relocation put paid to that plan and I think it’s all gone wrong since then.

I was ready by March to be something beyond a mother. I was ready to put on different clothes, walk out the door and leave the mothering to someone else for a couple of days a week. I never thought I’d be a great mother and I assumed I’d struggle with some parts of motherhood but I never thought it’d pan out like this. I had her and had 8 or 9 months of sweet times where I surprised myself with my enjoyment of her, my resolve, my flexibility, my spirit in the face of having a brand new dimension of life. But since then it’s just been different. Such a contrast. Day to day I get by, I do have moment of great joy; mostly ones involving our lovely girl. It’s almost as if I can turn on ‘OK’ mode but then at other times I do not have the oomph to do that. The drudgery of SAHM doesn’t suit me. I feel fairly worthless (even though I am doing a tough job). The cooking, feeding, clearing up, washing, tidying godforsaken stickle bricks and megablocks is relentless. And dull. I feel like it’s groundhog day. My life was never like that before. It was exciting, all over the place, chaotic, fun. I’ve metamorphosed into a person with nothing to say. Besides be a mother I have no function in life. I feel like I exist to serve others. At my own expense. I cannot believe the change in my life that has occurred over these last three years. It sucks. And yet I have the best thing that ever happened to me. I’d never change that. I love having a daughter and the chance to have a mother-daughter relationship like I had with my own Mum perhaps. I love sharing my loves with her. She is the best; so cheerful, good natured, friendly, fun and funny. I am very lucky. And yet, I feel like poo.

I realise this all sounds over dramatic and small fry, but I did want to take the time to try and make sense of what’s going on so thank you all for allowing me to do that here.

Betty – I bloody love bake off too. Nancy is good. I like Richard too. Not very keen on Louis (is that his name?). And, I think the two things (greedy) that’d make a difference to my wellbeing are to have a regular job with Ecotod in childcare and to have some baby free time to exercise. It helped to think about it in those terms because the second one is very easy to solve really. I’ve just ordered a bike part to help that along.

Doli things do seem insurmountable right now. In the past I have been motivated to take action. But I have this sense of bleurghh right now where I have lost the mojo I need to darn well get on with stuff.

Plonky – might the nappy be teeth? I think like some of you guys we’re entering another phase of teething. It seems like forever since we’ve dealt with any teething. Sorry I missed the curry! Was it good? It’s not TOTM ? but I do think the crux of this is finding some work situation that stimulates my crazy brain.

Something – you can get back to career/passion type job. What would the plan look like to get you back on that track? More study?

Wotta – thank you, you’re right, ecotod does have parents who love her, but she also needs parents who are happy in themselves. Very true. And quite an incentive.

Eek, my lovely DH has just pointed out that one thing that will help me feel better is sleep and that I need to get it in now whilst I have the chance so best hop it.

You are all great. Sorry to blather on and have a pity party. I’ll cheer up soon and get back to normal I hope.

PS - Yummy go for it! Nothing to lose in trying!

Eco (((hugs))) no time to post now as I have to get dogs, toddle, and myself organised and out of the door in the next half an hour as it's a nursery day. Thinking of you.

Bake off? I never watch it. I can't abide PH. There is something about his smarmy face that makes me want to punch him, and MB is a bit like one of those fussy old ladies at a church sale, so I can't warm to her either. Odd really as I'm not normally an intolerant person... it's just those two!

Can I give you a great big huge enormous dino hug, eco?

The way you're feeling describes exactly how I felt a year ago, when I should have still been fawning over my baby and enjoying the hot summer while on Mat leave. The way it manifested was a bit different but the feelings were the same. Please don't brush them off! I felt like that for six months before daring to get my diagnosis of pnd.

I'm not sure I have any advice. I think this is a very common dilemma and something that completely blindsides so many mothers. MIL had a reality shock after having BIL. He was clearly not neurotypical from an early stage in his life, and she knew she would never work again. I honestly don't know how she did it, and admire her courage and strength in retaining such a good sense of herself. I am constantly in awe on SAHMs. The creativity and dedication you all summon to make your baby's life perfect... Well to me going out to work and putting him in childcare is easy. I need that balance.

What am I trying to say? It sound like you've been making lemonade with the lemons life has given you for too long. You are not a control freak for wanting or needing to work. We derive such a sense of self from working and I think I remember you saying you've always had some kind of job. I also know that you loved your job and it was a very real loss. Obviously I'm not going to offer career advice, but I want to tell you that

Ahem. Silly DS climbed on me and I accidentally posted.

I want to tell you that it's completely ok to feel the loss of your job, and to want to get a new one. I don't expect work to solve all your problems, but it will help.

I hope you had a good nights sleep. (And wonder if DD is noticing your anxiety?)

DS is fine this morning, has eaten scrambled egg and a few grapes so it's off to nursery again with him. I'm 90% sure this is teething.

And another big hug from me, eco. I think we can all relate to the groundhog day feeling. Even women who, from the outside, look like perfect blissful SAHMs feel it at times. And there's this idea that we're supposed to want nothing more in life than to look after our babies, as though it's the most important thing we can ever do. Well, bollocks to that. The drudgery is enough to get anyone down, and spending all day with someone who constantly needs you but can't communicate with you leaves you feeling like the parts of your brain used for conscious thought have withered and died. What makes you a good mother is making sure your child is well cared for; it doesn't have to be you doing that caring 24/7, and a regular break where you get to focus your attention on non child related things does wonders for reminding you you're not just someone's mother (or someone's martyr).

Someone on my facebook was complaining the other day that she'd been accused of being a shit mother, by her own mother. Her crime? Having interests outside her son. The evidence? A few posts she'd made about how great it felt to get out and ride her horse and just be herself with her own interests for a while. I was ever so angry on her behalf. Just goes to show you can't win whatever you do, someone will always judge you lacking, whether it's strangers or yourself.

Sorry if that was a bit rambly. Half asleep here. We did not have the best night ever, I suspect due to tooth pain. Having checked more thoroughly, tooth fifteen (top left canine) was already through, and she's torn through the gum over tooth sixteen (top right canine). Wasn't a bad looking fall though. She and her friend were standing next to each other, and both shuffled towards each other and tried to occupy the same space with their feet. Lost balance at the same time and both toppled over backwards in slow motion. It was sort of funny, until the blood and the screaming started.

eco I'm jumping in with a big hug here too! The feeling of malaise is bad enough, but combined with lack of sleep and the weight of all the unexpected events that must still have an affect on you, it's bound to feel so much worse. You absolutely do need to pay attention to yourself. I think sometimes we can all be guilty of forgetting that. For example, last Sunday, DS woke up quite early and I had my martyr head on thinking that I needed to get up and do everything. DP offered to take DS downstairs and let me have half an hour lie in...and I fell out with him. But it was because I personally felt like if I wasn't doing DS-y stuff, that I was being a bad mother. Sorry to derail, but I just wanted to show you that you're not being dramatic, and it's not small-fry. If it matters to you, it matters. And that's what's important. I think you need to hoik up those adventure boots and go on an eco-expedition!!

As far as my work goes, unfortunately the industry that I bloody adore is an extremely tough one to get into and there are very limited jobs up here in t'North. They're all in that there London. And further study in the career that I want to pursue will only result in more debt and a qualification in something that isn't necessarily useful to any jobs. I still one day hope to do it (MA in Playwriting) but it's not something I can make a living out of just yet as it's not really a lucritive profession. All I need to do is keep my eyes peeled for something on the bottom rung of the ladder to work up from. And peeled they certainly are.

betty Bake Off is SO good. So, so good. I found myself sitting on the edge of the sofa with excitement. I couldn't go on it myself, though, purely because of how angry I'd be at them messing up my beautiful 3D biscuit scene!!

plonk Did Calpol help ToddleSaurus sleep? I think ToddleSome must be the only toddle who actually wakes earlier when he has Calpol. Glad he's feeling more chipper.

yummy definitely go for that job. There's no harm in applying.

Right, after all my rambling, I have a question. Can any of you recommend any reasonably priced cheap toddler slings/carriers? DP and I are at our respective works email-planning a trip to the big smoke later this year and don't want to wrestle with the buggy.

And now I'm off to research how to make blogging a career

*effect. Of course.

stormy very angry on your friend's behalf. What an appalling attitude her mother has. The 'friend' I fell out with a few months ago used to say similar things to me and judge me for wanting to work. She'd make comments like 'what's the point in having babies to palm them off on someone else?' and 'my kids are the centre of my world'. Which is fine, if it doesn't drive you and them crazy. But they are all crazy.

Something the cheap option is to borrow our Ergo. DS woke at 1 and had calpol and milk and slept with us until 6.45!

eco A big big hug from me and yummytoddle. Toddler hugs are very effective.

Being a sahm is tough and I definitely could not do it so you are not the only one feeling like this. There are days when playing and tending to a toddler is too much.

I have now entered the world of soft play. I am off to try out a different soft play in our area with a friend. I will post properly and read the other posts in more detail when I am back.

Eco everyone has already said everything already, so I just wanted to add my support. I'll let you into a secret. To the outside world I look like one of those perfect mummies who loves being a SAHM. So many have said it's 'been the making of me', 'I'm a different person' etc. Total bllcks, all of it. Much as I adore dd, and wouldn't be without her, I'd be the first to admit a day at home with a toddler is mind numbingly boring. DH said as much the other day after a mere two hours with her. I actually preferred the baby satge as at least them you could pop them in a sling and escape for a hike for a couple of hours. Now confining her to a sling would be unfair, and bad for her development, so we go everywhere at toddler pace. Round and round the garden at toddler pace. Yawwwwnnnnn

I think you're in the same boat as me in that you don't have local family to help out. Those of you that do.... be very very grateful! That odd hour your mum/sister/aunt/whoever helps out.... total godsend. So instead you have to invoke a coping strategy, and that means childcare. I know it's expensive, I know it's hard to justify when you aren't earning, but this is about investing in your mental and physical health, and it's a whole lot cheaper than therapy, and a whole lot more palatable than prozac.

So, my task for the day for you is look up local childminders and nurseries, and register dd for two mornings a week. Then, use at most half of that time for domestic/admin, and the rest for you. Whether it's job hunting, going for a run, cooking, writing, make it about you and you only.

It'll help, it's what keeps me sane.

Eco, can I share a view from the other side of the fence? I am struggling not to be the ultimate example of the WOHM (barring perhaps Wing and Ood if theyre around!) as I went back full time when DS was 9m. I left him at home with DH on transferred parental leave for 3 months, then DH returned to work half time. DS now does 3 days a week in nursery and 2 days at home with his dad. I do drop offs in the morning on nursery days, and generally 2 pick ups Mondays and Wednesdays. Thursdays and Fridays I try to get into the office early, often leaving before DS wakes up. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I work til 8pm, and get home long after he has gone to bed. Fridays I try to be home for bathtime, but it doesnt always happen. It feels pretty rubbish when I find that I havent seen him awake, I do sneak in and stare at him sleeping from Wed bedtime to Saturday morning. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food at the moment as I eat crap to make me feel better and I have no time for any exercise. I am not sure that I have work/life balance weighed off definitely havent! BUT despite that I love my work. I love knowing that I am actually good at my job. I love having a persona which isnt mum. I love the occasional lunch break when all I have to do is choose a sandwich and a new nail varnish that I will never have time to apply and I get to breathe and be just me for a while. I know DS is well looked after at nursery and with DH and he still loves me.

We cant afford for me not to work, I am the major breadwinner, and I dont have the option of part time. But I am not sure Id be good at being at home anyway. I was glad to get back to work when I did and dont regret it, even if it isnt perfect.

So I guess the point of all that drivel was to say that work isnt a panacea, but you knew that. But that it is OK and normal to me at least! to want to do it. So if thats what you want then tell DH and start working out how and what youre after. In the short term, a set period for you time is easier to achieve and DH needs to get on board with that ASAP. If feeling that you have some decisions made doesnt lift the fog a little, then see your GP. Plonk speaks much sense on that.

I know a little how you feel. I get something like it too and tend to say that I run out of cope. I am a coper, what I do is cope. And I do, right up to the point when I just cant any more. Be gentle on yourself. Big hugs.

Should perhaps add (as I seem to have broken the thread!) when I say ultimate WOHM I simply mean that I am out of the home working all the fucking time rather than being the ultimate mum of any description.

Just jumping in too to say Eco you've summed up my feelings at this very moment. Despite trying to do the photography thing, it's not taking off at any kind of pace and after a day of toddlerdom, I haven't the energy or inclination to do anything about it. I feel the groundhog day analogy and I suspect DD knows i'm struggling because she acts differently when it's just me and her. That's my motivation to get out the house and do anything but be cooped up and fear the hair pulling and nightmare bum changes.

Hugs, and a big cup of and I hope you clear the fog soon

I take my hat off to you Eco and Any for so many reasons. Firstly it's so bloody to hard to admit when you're struggling and not enjoying every minute, especially when the toddles are sometimes so damn cute. I hated the first 8 months and was, in hindsight, depressed but wouldn't admit it. I've been depressed once before and didn't feel I had any right to be because on paper I had a perfect life & it hit me from left field but once I admitted it it was so much easier so well done for saying out loud you know what I mean that it's rough at the moment.

Secondly, I couldn't stay at home. I struggled through most days of my maternity leave, resented DH & DD, couldn't understand why I didn't enjoy it and if I was at home every day now one or other us would have to be shaken regularly. It's bloody awful sometimes. The tantrums and drudgery and isolation and sodding routines and as much as sometimes they're amazing and hilarious, a lot of the time they aren't. I breathe a sigh of relief when I get to work and sit down with a cuppa and talk to adults. I have twinges of guilt when I feel like that but actually I think that just makes me human.

Have you talked to DH? You just need to do something for you. Do you have much of a money buffer at the moment? Are they many jobs that are decent for you around? Would you be willing to do a job that's not ideal as an interim while you're searching and if you can afford it would you consider putting DD in childcare for a day a week to start with to allow you to job hunt/volunteer at something/exercise/keep your sanity? It'll make you feel guilty because society says why should you pay someone else to look after your child when you're free to but society can fuck off because they're wrong. The best thing for a child is a happy, healthy life with a happy, healthy parent and sometimes you need to be your own priority for a while to get that.

Is there anything we can do to help in the meantime? I do a mean line in inappropriate jokes and stories of a previous life as a junior doctor in A&E!

Betty has it spot on. Also my pnd disappeared practically over night once I'd spoken to someone about it.

Go on Betty, tell us an a&e story. What's the most ridiculous lie someone has told you about how they got their injury? Have you ever dealt with anyone who had a bottle of ketchup up their bum, for instance?

eco your struggles made me sad but also made me nod my head alot. I have the luxury of working and also seeing a lot of DD but handing her over for nappy changes and day to day imaginative play which I need. I don't love my job but it does give me a much needed break without which I would find day to day drudgery hard. Everyone else has said everything much better than I could but I prescribe as much outdoor time as possible. sending you lots of good wishes that things turn a corner soon.

not ignoring you all, am in cotswolds briefly with very sketchy reception. Will be back later

On drudgery: if it were really that much sheer unadulterated fun looking after a house and small child, if it were really that fulfilling... Men would be doing it en masse. The beatific smiling SAHM who takes all her energy and purpose and happiness from childrearing? It's a lie to keep us doing it.

In other news: flipping eon can go and flip themselves. That is all.

I have had a day at home today and I am boreddd. Ds keeps bringing me the same book to read. Note to self: must go out tomorrow and buy new books.

How are you all? I am very grateful for the cooler weather. I am not going to say it is easier to sleep at night because ds is teething again. I tried to administer calpol at 1am but ended up on his pillow instead.

stormy what have eon done to you?

eco how is it in cotswold?

betty tell us a story please?

Evening all, and thank everything going that it is eveing, as I have had a day. You know the ones.... where you feel like the world's crappiest mum, ever, because, well just because. Reason, the toddle fell asleep in the car on the way back from nursery. So far so good you say. I say NOT, because if she sleeps for 10mins, and 10 mins only, she wakes up cross, but unable to go to sleep again. So I had to deal with cross, for as long as we both could take it, before shoving her in her pram and pushing her fruitlessly round the field. It is possible I may have stepped away for a second and screamed, but obviously I wouldn't admit that here

So there you have it, I scared the living daylights out her when she was already tired and fractious. Null point for that one.

The good news is her sleep refusing self did eventually have a 1 hour power nap, after which she was her usual sweet little self, and sanity was restored.

DH has just got home so he is doing bedtime story time, from an old fashioned fairy tale book. I am listening over the intercom. I had forgotten just how scary old fashioned fairy tales are. Todays tale seems to be mainly about people dying in a variety of gruesome ways . Lovely.

So, what do you do when you feel shite? You honour existing commitments of course . So yesterday I shipped Ecotod and I off to the deepest darkest Cotswolds to see an old friend at her parents’ place. She has a 5 year old and a 1 year old. It was a tiny bit stressful, but lovely to see her (for the 1.5 hours of child free time we had to natter). The 85 return miles today took 4 hours. The last two of which passed in a haze of tears. I have subsequently spoken to my MIL, sister and best friend and told them how things are in no uncertain terms, so I think you’ll agree that’s a good start.

I do so many solo overnights with Ecotod. I never enjoy them overall. I might enjoy aspects of them the bit where the kids are in bed before you collapse in bed but overall no. Why do I do it? I’m doing it again tomorrow. Moron. DH is going to London (he has suggested cancelling his plan but I really think he deserves to get away…tickets for his team on the first day of the premiership and meeting a friend over from Geneva….so a one off really) so I was faced with either being miserable here or being miserable somewhere else. So I am off to my sister/Dads. She knows that she needs to be more hands on with Ecotod and has promised nice food and some therapeutic crafting during naps and evening.

Doli I have booked to see a childminder on Thursday who may be happy to do one day a week for me. She is a 2 minute walk away. It could be perfect. We can’t afford this at present but I have to start to claw out of this somehow so this is a financial hit my overdraft will take in the hope that it’ll a) make me feel more sane and b) ultimately result in generating some income to pay off the childcare debt and then some. I’m sorry that you find bits of the SAHM thing rubbish too. It’s amusing that the timing of my malaise is directly correlated to the point at which long stompy walks with the sling stopped being fun for either of us. We amble now. Ug. It took us 40 minute to get to the village shop this week to get a pint of milk. Every snail, feather, leaf is picked up and examined. It’s lovely and I love her curiosity but man, it is NOT exercise.

Conversations with my sister have also made me realise I need to prioritise health. I need to remember to eat, eat the right stuff, take some probiotics and vitamins, get fresh air and exercise. It’ll take a while to get back into the habit of doing all of that. But I had an hours walk (good plan Rainbow) whilst DH bathed and put Ecotod to bed in the evening sunlight and that helped.

Your dino hugs were lovely Plonk (as were your photos on facebook; both your own and those your photographer did of your wedding). I’m glad that facing the PND was half the battle in your case. I am hoping having told people things are bad will help here too; hopefully they’ll ask about it and ask about progress and that’ll egg me on to take action.

Stormy you’re right about SAHMs. Now I know Doli isn’t revelling in every moment either I don’t think I can think of one finds it ‘OK’. It is so hard, I just read a really terrible book (by a woman I found out afterwards grew up in a stately home and is part of some literary dynasty, even though she writes appallingly edited books) about motherhood advocating going out to work. That part was fine but she says ‘what do SAHMs do all day anyway, how hard can it be?’. It almost made me run to join twitter and spam her with cyber bullying.

Something I have always said to others what you’ve said: if it matters to you it matters. Why don’t I take my own advice? Berk! You are right about needing an eco-expedition. I spoke to my girlfriend about a no-kids camping weekend before the year is out. That’s a start.

Yummy toddler hugs are great. Whilst I had my crying marathon (trying to be subtle to my girl who was rear facing) in the car I think she sensed that she needed to be sensitive to me…..she chirped away to herself and when I stopped to change her nappy she googled and hugged my legs.

Wotta it sounds like you have chosen the right path for your family. The income helps the family tick over, DS is happy in his childcare and you get to be a professional person with a life beyond mummydom. Sounds tough though so let’s all keep an eye on each other and make sure we look after ourselves if the cope is coming to an end.

Any hello, you sound blue too. I identify with what you said. When your inclination to actually get going with anything disappears it is a worry. Maybe you and Plonky could mentor each other a bit and share (looks like you are already) tips/contacts/business mentoring? Your photos are awesome and I hope you find a way upwards, away from the feeling you’re having at present. How are things with DH?

Betty I am talking to DH but I don’t think he knows what to do. His tactic right now is to take as much of the drudge away from me as he can. Basically, if he’s here he does Ecotod and he’s cooked loads and planned food/shopped. That’s a great help. He’ll also support me in any solution I come up with. In terms of stuff you guys can do I think, like we did with the awesome Gerry and her impressive weight loss, is to check in with me periodically to ask how progress is. And, tell us your best “you’d never believe this happened in the hospital…..” tale.

Best go really as I haven’t spent any time with the luscious man sat on our sofa and I’d like to.

Thank you all very much for your encouragement. The lid is off now and that’s a great start. I’m hoping for a weekend of less tears and more sunshine. You’re all brilliant in different ways.