March 2013 - 6 months down, 210 to go!

[StormyBrid]

Old thread.

Keep on rambling, ladies, we have a whole new thread to fill!

dear plonky, lots of good advice so far, I just wanted to add that I too a) periodically feel like I am doing a terrible job as a parent b) often act like a total cow to my poor, sweet natured dh and c) daily feel the weight of the responsibility. maybe these are things that happen when you have a baby. wing will tell us if it lifts after a while; my guess it does. please don't underestimate the balancing job you're just trying to undertake with your return to work. every friend I know who has gone through this milestone has struggled initially. because it is hard. you're doing something hard so, as vj said, be kind to yourself. I must just add that what little we know of your beautiful little boy, you are far far from a bad mother.

I agree with soyo about the marriage chat being separate. it's a big discussion so might you be best to leave it just for a few days until work is more bedded in and you feel more confident?
I am sorry to hear that several of you feel under confident in your skins at present too. it's not much fun. we have just all made, born and looked after babies; surely that makes us at a peak of goddessness. I wonder what our partners' honest assessment of us would be. (well done soyo btw; I have some catching up to do). I reckon they fancy us just as much as ever. I just feel so mumsy and that's a mental thing that's hard to overlook.
soyo thanks for t gel tip. will try it.
vj I am doing my best excited wave to have you in east anglia. stay you safe! I will check up on you in morning when I have assessed things out of the window and will release an ark is necessary.

dh pacing and looking forward to bed so I had better skidaddle. night ladies and plonky keep your pecker up.

plonky but take a deep breath and a step back. Ditto on what everyone else has advised thus far with the addition of: marriage - he obviously has considered it or you wouldn't be engaged so maybe he is being wise and realistic in that if you can't afford it at the mo, why talk about it? I would put it out there as 'setting a date' and see what he says. Even if it's 2016, you know you're both singing from the same song sheet. And work? I still haven't fully got to grips with this new job so don't be surprised that it's going to take a while to bed in. If I could have quit in week three, I would have. Only if it was an actual job mind, wouldn't leave DD for the world. Glad I didn't
soyo massive kudos for DTD. You are braver than I. Just can't muster the energy or mood for it. Praying that'll change once i'm done with BFing. If not, poor DH

I currently hate my matronly boobs, saggy bum and rather disgustingly dry, chapped hands and feet. I would love to get an all over exfoliation and emerge with the body of my 20 year old self. Sadly, i'll just roll my boobs up and carry on...

plonky you are an amazing person. You will in time find a balance between work and being a mum. Ds sounds as if hes happy and healthy means you are doing a fab job. As the others have said talk about marriage when you feel a bit better. Having a baby together shows much more commitment to one another than signing a piece of paper. men can still be twats whether they are married or not.
Please hold my hand in feb when i start work.

Re body change. Lets not go there. Caught myself in the mirror and got a fright. Told dh and i honestly dont think hes noticed. He started talking about how tired he is. Yet he has 8 hrs unbroken sleep 6 days a week. Twat!

Aww plonk, look at all the lovely things everyone has to say about you! And they're all so true. You're a fantastic mum and that's plain to see from that smiley, cheeky, beautiful little boy of yours. I've never known a happier baby!

DS seems to have suitably adapted to the clocks going back, up at 8am today. This boy clearly takes after me in the sleep department!

Plonky dear, do me a favour? Stop calling yourself nasty names. You're allowed to feel like everything's getting on top of you and you're allowed to doubt yourself. It doesn't mean you're a cunt or a bad person. And actually I'd say the fact you make it through each day with everyone fed and nobody dead means you're winning. DS being happy on top of that gets you bonus supermummy points.

Marriage is a funny one when you can't talk about it though. Ill start by saying if you're supposed to be getting married it's shit of DP to refuse to even discuss it. If he wants to delay or whatever, fine, but why can't he say so? I think men often see marriage differently though. They haven't spent several decades unconsciously absorbing the message that the measure of success for a woman is a man wanting to marry you. And feminist principles or not, it still hurts when the man you love doesn't want to do that. It's a point of contention between me and the man too, so here's a hand if you want to hold it while having a good rant.

As for body image, am I winning? I don't feel much different at all. I am still covered in wibbly wobbly bits, but I was prepregnancy too so no major changes to deal with. No sex chez Stormy these days though, the man seems to be having trouble finding the energy to do work and parenting and relationship effort. Am hoping he'll get into the swing of things soon enough. He's finding it a bit of a shock to the system though, as his previous work history has generally involved a six month stint once every two years when dole got pissy.

I think we're in for a difficult day here. Two naps... How long will she hold out before the first one? How long will she sleep for? Will I be able to cope with how much more demanding of attention she gets when she's tired? I may be broken by teatime.

You're all so lovely. If I could personally send a bottle of wine to each and every one of you I absolutely would.

Eco, Worse, Any, Vj, Leni, KF, anyone else dahn sahf I hope you're all still in one piece. The news coverage looks bad. My dad is on about flying back from Florida for a few days because the company relies on bad weather, so it must be serious.

Stormy the marriage thing is absolutely an issue. He is well aware of how I feel, I've brought it up a lot lately. He proposed on my 25th birthday and immediately followed it up with saying he didn't want a wedding for another four years because he wanted a huge wedding. Oh, I said, would you like to hold on to this ring and propose again in three years? So it's been marred from the get go. What he fails to understand is that we may as well discuss how much we need to save in order to have the wedding we want. I don't want to wake up in two years time up to my eyeballs I'm debt over a wedding we could have actually saved for.

It's hard not to call myself names. Self esteem has never been my strong point! I try to remember the everyone fed, no one dead mantra, but feeding people is easy. The never ending slog of housework, nappies, always thinking two days ahead because no one else will...tats what makes me call myself names. It feels like barely treating water when I should be swimming. It's especially hard when I've been busy all day then dp complains about something really trivial that I've not had time to fix. He's been shouted at a lot over this recently.

We dtd about once a week. I never instigate (too tired, no libido whatsoever, enormous spare tyre). Maybe this is why no marriage plans?

Plonky one of my previous work colleagues has previously said I'm like a swan, serene above the water & paddling like a mad woman below. I somehow manage to project the illusion of coping but keeping my head above water is a constant challenge. About 70% of what needs doing around the house gets done, so there's an ever increasing backlog, DD gets ignored left to explore the world herself and develop independence more and more, my ability to keep myself showered and fresh is not always as regular as it should be and, like Wors, I have a cry in the woods while walking the dog about once a week. It's bloody hard, nobody that's not doing it can realise that (including DPs) and we're all doing a bloody good job. It's hard to remember that but judging by all these cute babes I keep seeing pictures of its definitely true.

Can I suggest getting a copy of Wifework, reading it, and then beating DP over the head with it? The amount of conversations I've had with the man where he says I can handle doing everything at once as well as all the planning because I'm superwoman and he can't compete - it's bollocks. I do it all because I have to. He could do it all if he had to as well. He could do the mental juggling if he had to. But because I do it, he doesn't have to, and so he has no idea just how much mental effort goes into running a house and parenting. I'm forever having to ask seemingly innocent questions like "When are you putting her down for a nap?" when he's in charge, because it doesn't occur to him to think about how the rest of the day is likely to pan out. He says things like "I'm off to the shop, do we need anything?" and I have to point out that he's standing in the kitchen and is perfectly capable of looking in the cupboards himself. When he does the bath, I bring her bedclothes downstairs and have the towel ready when she gets out. When I do the bath I'm shouting "Can you bring the towel please?" and he can't hear because he's gone for a fag. There's no anticipation of what's needed, and no recognition of the need for anticipation either.

That got a bit ranty, didn't it? Whoops.

So, he wants a big expensive wedding, but is unwilling to even talk about how much it's going to cost so you can start saving? I don't blame you for being pissed off about that. Not exactly the action of an enthusiastic person, is it? And if he's pissing about because you're reluctantly letting him get his leg over once a week then he needs a right ding round the earhole. Why is he instigating sex when you're knackered and not in the mood?

I will get wifework today. It's such a relief to come on here and find I'm not alone. The support last night really saved me from going off the deep end. I was so close to packing a bag and leaving.

Stormy it's the anticipation of the rest of the day that's a problem too. He always baths DS so I leave him to it. Occasionally I put pjs out ready but I'm usually cooking dinner during bath time. But yes, if I left him to his own devices with DS there's be no bottles made up, no loads of laundry done, no cat litter getting changed, no bins emptied. The bare minimum would happen, and I don't think he really understands that I'm busy. He hears that I've met up with Something, gone clothes shopping for DS or out with my mum for lunch, so I must have it made. My issue is that I have so much on my plate but none of it is really for me. I don't have something to go and do for a few hours each week because I'm obliged to do everything else that helps us function. We'll find a balance, eventually. Even if I have to smack him upside the head with a book.

We came to an impasse with wedding stuff because I want a small wedding and he wants a big one. End of I guess. His brothers the same. SIL wants a church blessing, bil is an atheist (with asd I might add) so end of. I blame MIL for teaching her kids to be so bloody forthright.

SoYo I need a dog to cry on don't I?

We ok in london. Bit of a come down tbh. Just abit of wind. All trees are intact round my way.

stormy i agree with everything you say.

When dh asks if i have watered the plants i get annoyed. As if i have time/mental capacity/energy to think of the plants. My day off yesterday did not happen. Me and dh was not on talking terms.

Weddings are expensive but it doesnt need to be. You have to ask him if he really does want to get to married or will he keep pushing the wedding back just so he doesnt have to face it.

God, don't get me started on bottles not getting made. Every evening I remind the man several times to wash up and make milk before he goes to bed. Even with going to bed relatively early to get up for work, he's got a good three or four hours free with DD in bed, plenty of time. He makes out that I'm nagging when I remind him. The other day, I didn't remind him. Guess what he forgot to do? And then he had the cheek to complain that I was annoyed. But then, it wasn't him faced with getting up in the morning and having to piss about sterilising and waiting for water to cool and farting about trying to get it the right temperature while DD gets more and more wound up because she's hungry.

He comes home and sees I'm pottering on Warcraft while DD's playing, and assumes we've been that way all day. Totally fails to realise I've actually spent most of the day entertaining her, picking her up when she throws herself over, taking her for walks round the house, feeding her, carrying her up and down the stairs, the neverending nappies.

Plonky you need to find something for you to do every week. Night out at the pub? Go to the gym? Take up paintballing? Doesn't matter what, you just need something for you, that's non-negotiable, where you get out of the house and hand over responsibility. If the house will collapse in your absence, leave a list of what needs doing and then just leave them to it.

I hate the idea of a big wedding. Fortunately, so does the man. Unfortunately, he "doesn't believe in marriage". I'm not bothered about not getting married, I just want him to want to marry me, if you see what I mean. Hurts that he doesn't, but he just doesn't get it.

Stormy you're still sterilising? Wow, that's a lot of work. Ideally I'd spent an hour a day trying to write something coherent, as it is I'd settle for 30mins on the sofa with a cuppa and my kindle. I end up zonked in front of the telly between 8 and 9, faffing on my phone.

And well knock me down with a feather. I sent dp a text - generally just was can we please come up with a loose wedding plan cos I love you. His response : 'how about next year?'

I'm thinking reception at my parents house. Enormous garden. Marquee. Hog roast. Booze. Cake.

We're alright up in Suffolk at the moment, although we're not quite sure if we're still waiting or we've missed the worst of it.

Plonky- you don't need the dog! My crying place is in the car. Probably less safe than out walking, but probably once a fortnight I have a good old snot fest.

Talking of snot, dd is currently overwhelmed by the green stuff, and it's making sleep a challenge.

And yes on the useless husband front. On Saturday morning, with my back so bad I could barely move, and DH home after a week away, I said 'you're in charge for an hour, I'm off duty, I'm having a soak'. To which he replied 'if you're off duty how am I supposed to get anything done?'. My response? "Exactly". I then locked the bathroom door and left them to it. It was lovely, although it pissed me off that she pretty much slept for the whole hour so he still thinks my life is easy!!
Plonk, I'm glad you sound ever so slightly more positive this morning. Keep it up, and remember not to try to be superwoman.

Stormy- I'm reliably informed by my expert of a cousin that the first 2 weeks of nap reduction are tricky but then it settles in. We've been on 2 for a while and it did take a while but she's used to it now.

Yay Plonky, next year is no time .

Would it help if I told you where you are now is the hardest time. It gets easier. Learn from my mistakes. My DH is driven, but not always in the right directions. At home he does nothing. No housework, no admin, no gardening. Nothing. For years I did it all, and went half demented with exhaustion. What I actually should have done is what I do now. Left it. The answer to 'Where is my x?' is 'I don't know'. The answer to 'Have you sent my mum a birthday card?' is 'No'. The answer to 'What's for dinner?' is 'I don't know. Could you check the fridge'. Etc Start as you mean to go on. If you do everything, you will by default become the person who does everything. If you don't, after a period of total chaos it will sort itself out.

Stormy is right, you need to save something of you, that is just you. Whatever it is that you love, make time for it. Weekends are there for a reason. Leave the man in charge for an hour or two and go and be you.

VJ you'll be pleased to know that storm wise all is relatively unscathed in this neck of the woods. We've branches down, but no trees, and thankfully the roof is still on. The only real bit of fun was a power outage setting the back up alarms off at 6am, which had the pair of us running round like blue arsed flies trying to turn them off, in the dark, being half deafened by the bells and the baby. Great way to start the day. Still, looking on the bright side, at least it wasn't the actual alarm. That one is police linked, and my morning would not have been improved by a conversation in my PJs with a really pi55ed off bobby.

We've got 2 fence panels down with a third about to crack at any moment. But that's it. Bit rubbish really.

And worse is right. I do everything by default as DH has never had to. I may try the chaos theory...

worse I like the idea of your chaos period, but fear it wouldn't work in this house. Mainly because the man went twenty years without speaking to his mother so clearly isn't bothered about not sending her a birthday card, and if I didn't cook for him he'd happily go back to living on cheap packets of biscuits. And as most of his possessions are guitars they don't tend to need finding.

vj I will persist with the two nap thing then. Two weeks of settling isn't that long, really. Although I imagine it will feel like an eternity. Going well so far today - woke up at 5.40, bitched until 6.30, went back to sleep until 7.30. Went for a nap 9.30-11.15. Aiming to get her down for the next one somewhere between 2 and 2.30, and just pray she manages a good hour and a half at least.

Also, you've reminded me I seriously need a bath. And unlike the man, I am capable of having one while on baby duty! She can go in her musical UFO for ten minutes, or I can take her over the road, or I can call my unemployed mate, who is always up for playing with a baby. Incidentally, said mate is proof that it's not specifically a male trait, this being useless thing. He was a SAHD, looked after the kid brilliantly, kept the house clean enough, but his girlfriend was constantly complaining about the standard of his cleaning or his childrearing and had no real understanding of the effort he put in. Then she kicked him out. We've got one advantage over useless men at least - when we break up with them we get to keep the kids.

Plonky I hope we're all invited!

Argh. Went for nap at 2pm. Starting howling at 2.20. This is not something I have much experience of. She's clean, she's fed, she's warm, she's got her dummy. What else do I do?

Have patience, Stormy, it does get better. Every now and then DS still has three naps but it's usually caused by too many short trips in the car. I can't remember when he dropped a nap, just that it was his decision not mine.

Can't work out if Babysaurus is teething or if it's this cold, or if he has an upset tummy. I suspect a combination of all three. Anyway, we're having a lot of dirty napppies at the moment, and the consistency has changed. SoYo how's the madam coping with suspected rotavirus? He's not eating as much, but still eating and drinking enough to ensure I'm not too worried.

Worse you are so wise. Must make concerted effort to allow DP to find his own feet, rather than just doing everything because it's so much easier. Does anybody have any tranquilisers to get me through? He is so laid back and indecisive, I think I'll have a coronary waiting for him to play catch up.

Haha yes, everyone can come to my wedding. DP would love all the Angry Birds to put in an appearance.

I had patience until 3.05. Then I fed her. Then she slept until 4.55. Oh well, at least we should make it through until bedtime without too much shouting. She's knackering me out though. Keeps grabbing my thumbs then taking me on a walking tour of the house. I've seen the bathroom before, I don't really need to see it half a dozen times in rapid succession, but she is insistent.

Me wise Plonky? In my dreams.... What I am is old . Hope the babysaurus is feeling a bit better this evening, and the nappy situation is improving.

Stormy you are too nice to your DP. I'd leave him with his biscuits myself but I am a cow

Quiet day here, which I have taken advantage of to action step one of 'project getting over myself'. This involved setting up a facebook page so I can join in the fun. Maiden name so no one untoward will take any notice, and if I start wandering about taking notice of them, well I'll only have myself to blame and you can all give me a good slap.

Anyone that's eating stop reading now! We're still in a world of watery, explosive poo badness here. This morning I stripped her off for a little naked roll around on her changing mat for 5 mins to let some air at her sore bum. I turned my back for 2mins and when I looked round she was completely covered and it was still pouring out of her. Poor wee mite was a terrible sight but she found it rather amusing! Needless to say everything was thrown in the shower (including me) and then thoroughly sterilised. Plonky, she's eating bread products and a wee bit of fruit purée but not much else which is very unusual, she's having more BFs than normal to make up for it though so is having plenty of wet nappies.

I've come down to visit the parents as DH is going to be at work for the next 36hrs and madam is enjoying having extra people to entertain. Has anyone else got wooden floors and if so what do you put down to stop serious head injury? I put a duvet down but she slides around a lot and still has managed to get a big lump on her head and need to get something for when she's here. It's also the first time she's been in the low down bit of her travel cot rather than the bassinet so who knows how the sleep will go. Keep your fingers crossed for me! She's gone down well so hopefully that's a sign of things to come.

Wors I'm thrilled you're coming to join the FB party, especially as I couldn't figure out how to PM you a picture! If you start being tempted to do anything self-destructive just let us know and we'll give you a virtual clip round the ear until you see sense!

Wow that was longer than expected and as my DDad has just brought me a cream apple turnover I'll be off now.

GLad that we all survived the weather. We had a tree blocking our footpath today and that was as far as our disruption went. Good. Did southwold survive Vj?
Plonky I'm so glad that your pecker is rising. And! Brilliant wedding news. Now, as I told soyo, weddings are one of my favourite things, so, feel free to share details! And if you want to borrow five miles of hand crafted bunting for your mum's garden then just shout....
Soyo it's good that poor poppet is having more milky feeds, sorry to hear she's still poorly. Good that you have pastry supplying family around though.
Any and Kff your posts made me smile. Boob rolling and twat dh.
Stormy your description of the planning issues with your dp hit the nail on the head. It's the head space that these tasks take up that is so very wearing. We're finding our groove with it here, with me accepting that the planning isn't likely to happen and dh's willingness to execute more of the doing to make up for It.
Worse welcome to facebook and what soyo said. We'll send slaps if you delve too deep. You're a busy lady though so in all likelihood you'll have better things to do. I always find it's when I'm on my own with nowt to do that I'm vulnerable to it. Have you found our group? Pm soon to be Mrs Plonky with your facebook name and she'll add you I'm sure.
Anyone discovered teething granules? If I'm stumped, like you were earlier on stormy, I give a pouch of those suckers and they're like drugs. Administer and zonk. I find It hard to detect teething as dribble, strange Poo and red cheeks are daily reality for us.
No other news to report except I made a beef and ale stew from blw website and it was inedible. Rank. Disappointing!
oh and tragically am catching up with downton. Poor Anna!

Yay Worse! Virtual slaps available if required but they won't be.

Apparently DS was a bit of a nightmare today, over 8 hours between sleeps. Poor dh was shattered when I got home.

So me and my three year old got food poisoning and puked our way back from Turkey. I am convinced it is so as both dd and dh are fine and ds and I ate the fish! Awful awful birthday I had yesterday. But never mind I am alive.

Plonky all great advice. As always the worse is spot on. I get teased at work because my " poor husband" has to do so much. Get the you should go on wife swap comments because dh could get a rest. This is because I do exactly what worse says, only what I need to. When you have a job and a baby you want to give the baby lots of your free time. This leaves you constantly prioritising and it's hard. The bit that gets easier is as your kids grow up there becomes a bit less day to day think and panic as they eat three times, can have a banana straight from the fruit bowl for a snack, blow their nose, tell you their throat hurts. Sounds simple but makes an enormous difference! But really try to enjoy this bit too. Babies (like all of us) just want to be loved. Lots of cuddles! And tell your dh he's lucky, instead of a wife like you he could have a wife like worse who to "what's for dinner" says look in the fridge, or even worse ( get it!) one like me who says "haven't you done the shopping I fancied something with chicken if you're cooking!"