This is very long. If nobody can be bothered, I completely understand!
I was lucky enough to have a child seven months ago. I hope what I say next does not offend anyone who is childlesss. If it does, I'm sorry. I really do know what a blessing it is to have a beautiful daughter.
I've not been able to care for her or myself due to spd. Unlike almost everyone else, it is not responding to treatment - it's just getting worse. I'm continuing with therapy and have taken antidepressants - ended up so doped I couldn't be left with the baby even if it was possible to care for her. I can't even do 'sitting down' activities because of the pain and because I literally have to spend every minute in exactly the right position to keep strain off the pelvis. Try communicating with a seven month old in those circumstances!
Nobody I know would be aware that I feel this negatively. I would talk to someone about it, but there is absolutely nobody. I was new to the area just before this condition hit a year ago, and nobody calls except a Home Start volunteer. I write friendly notes and letters that nobody ever replies to. My mother sometimes says something along the lines of 'I bumped into so and so and they said they felt dreadful they haven't been round - so busy - and I said not to worry, she understands people are busy. It's good you have the family support.' She wishes the spd hadn't happened, obviously, but she's very keen to have the baby every minute of every day and you know what? I'm grateful but I'm not that happy about it. She's a baby whisperer but totally overwhelming. When I'm with my daughter in her presence, she keeps up a high-pitched chatter while leaning close into the baby's face. My voice is softer and I think she just can't hear. But if I have a problem with it, my mum is going to say 'Yes, I thought you were jealous of me.' (She did a night class in counselling).
All the books I read about parenting said 'Get out of the house in the early days! Socialise! Otherwise you'll get pnd!' I think of mother and toddler groups and it seems an impossible dream. My daughter doesn't seem to recognise me, although I make a colossal effort to get her attention when I see her. If I say I'm depressed everyone will be like 'Aha! We knew this was a psychosomatic condition! Have some more drugs!' Also, everyone says 'At least you have a healthy baby and that makes it all worthwhile, doesn't it.' I smile and say 'Oh yes!'. But really. What has my daughter's health got to do with this? I can't sleep, make a meal, work, go for a walk, sleep with my husband - and all this is irrelevant because she's healthy? What's the connection? If this level of disability was known to accompany being a parent, let's face it. Nobody would have children. And to be a mother and not be able to hold your child is an insanity-inducing level of pain. There is no way to be ok with it.
My husband avoids me. He's been under colossal strain and I think just looking at me makes him feel guilty because he can't fix it and would like a proper life. Plus our finances and his job are in jeopardy as a result of all this. I've tried saying 'let's have a date night' but they're a disaster because he looks very miserable and says 'Sorry, I don't know how to enjoy this sort of thing' - referring, I think, to time together. Occasionally I think I glimpse how he sees me and it's terrifying. He doesn't see a person anymore. Just a scary thing he can't get away from. I would like to give something to him but I don't have anything he wants.
I have tried reaching out into the community every way I can think of, but it's hard when you can't leave the house. The doctors say this condition should have ended with pregnancy and offer more tramadol. They won't even write a referral letter because it's a condition related to pregnancy (?). Yes, all of them. Physios are hopeful but the backward progress is perplexing and they have started to say 'This is a chronic problem' as if it gets them off the hook (there is arthritis on the x rays). I've been reading horrific stories of failed surgery for spd (low success rate) and the situation does seem to suck. Also, we're in Northern Ireland and the disability charities aren't funded to help people here. I've tried Health Visitor, OT...nothing. Not even a disabled parking badge. When the condition didn't clear up after the birth, I thought 'Well, there will be ways of dealing with this. Others will have done it before.' But that doesn't seem to be the case. It seems like you really are left to rot in a room.
You may say I'm being selfish and ridiculous (I'd be interested) but you haven't spent a long period of time
(1) on bedrest
(2) saying 'no, it's fine, go and enjoy yourself'
(3) trying not to mind that I know my husband isn't calling to see how I'm doing in case I burst into tears and spoil what he's doing. (He texts though, I think because he wants to know I'm ok, even if I have to lie to say it, and that's easier in a text).
(4) Trying to be 'fun to be with' when someone actually comes through the bedroom door because that means they're more likely to return and I'm actually that desperate. (Doesn't work. Sickness scares people).
(5) Talking to myself just to get the chance to talk
(6) Phoning Samaritans when I can't stop crying, only to find everything is exactly the same as it was at the end of the phone call
(7) Trying to remember what day it is and realising I have painkiller head and can't remember
(8) Seeing summer coming and remembering last summer (in a wheelchair with spd) and realising the awfulness never did end
(9) Missing my daughter (obviously the fact that she's happy with my mum is terribly important)
(10) Waiting for a bird to fly by outside the window because it really is exciting in comparison to the blank sky
(11) Trying to stop myself thinking about the future
What would you do?? Really?