April 2011 - Hello Grindstone. Nose here, reporting for duty.

[DairyBeetle]

Plumps comfy pillows, shakes warm fluffy blankets, passes them round, sleeps

Henry gags loads, he threw up massively yesterday at a friend's house when he got enthusiastic with bread at lunchtime.

I took H swimming yesterday and he LOVED it! We went with a couple of mum friends and although it was the classic 20 minutes or so because they all got tired/cold quickly they all had fun. But H went mental for it. He was squealing and shouting, giggling and splashing. DP is horribly jealous and really wants to come with us next time

The best part though was that I then went for lunch at one of the mums' houses and both the tots napped for an hour when we got there so we had a proper natter with hot cups of tea. Bliss!

ILTMIMI I'd like to say that you are often highly thought of when it comes to mama-stuff and that it is inspirational to see you talk of Cole.

MrsW Your work annoys me. You keep a note and make sure you do something lovely with your TOIL! As for the hand :( At least your DP is on the ball and getting something else.

cycle I love taking my two swimming but can't very often as I need another adult with me and DH is hardly ever here and when he is doesn't seem massively keen to go swimming unfortunately I'm really glad you had such a good time

In excess of 24 (number of angel cakes i had done) came and I resorted to giving the rest sugared almonds from the 10kg stash i had ordered by mistake instead of 1kg whilst expecting

ILike thanks for telling us about Cole.

Arch 24 trick or treaters! You must have our quota too (fortunate as I forgot to get anything in).

We've had 2 amazing nights of sleep (hopefully telling you won't jinx it) She's gone 7.40-6am with a wake up after 30 minutes which was settled with a hug. Then feed and back to sleep til 8! Last night not quite as good with a feed at 11.30, then 6 and up at 7ish. Unfortuantely both nights I've woken up at 5 and just been drifting back to sleep when she woke at 6

I made the mistake this afternoon of taking her out of the pram when she was dozy part way through her nap thinking she'd sleep better on the bed. Obviously that woke her up properly and now an hour and a half later she's still tired but wriggling about everywhere and can't get to sleep. That'll teach me to leave her til she's woken up properly.

Well damn I've missed a lot. I got very behind with the thread and kept putting off looking at it until I had time to clear all the backlog and do a proper post, and so I never got round to it and.. here I am. I missed you all!
Have had a quick skim through most of what I missed, I think.

Would be impossible to namecheck everyone but did just want to say thanks ILTMIMI for telling us about Cole, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

A quick update on us - Joanna's 27 weeks now and we started BLW about 2 weeks ago, although I have been giving her the odd sloppy thing on a spoon. So far we haven't really been feeding her what we're eating (we eat late, anyway, after she goes down for the night) but I've been doing her sticks of steamed veggies and she gums on raw apples, pears etc. Not sure how much she likes it. She does a lot of gagging/sicking and I think my parents think it's tantamout to child abuse but they're not saying much. Also I hate it. I've read the book, I know it's to be expected but it terrifies me! Also have been giving her banana mashed into natural yoghurt on a spoon as well as a bit of porridge and thinking she might have a weetabix for brekkie tomorrow. Just discovered she loves plums as well - she eats them quartered and sort of sucks the flesh off the skin. Very clever.

DP and I actually managed to go out on a DATE on Saturday night, just the two of us. We were staying with my Dad and Stepmum for the weekend, and they kindly looked after her for the evening whilst DP and I went for dinner and a movie. It was really lovely, but I must say, I found it hard to keep my mind off her all night. I think I'll be much better this time, though. I was worried she might be sobbing inconsolably all night, as she doesn't let anyone but me put her to bed usually (cries when DP tries to do it). But she was fine, apparently, and had been fast asleep for hours when we got home. So I think next time I'll have more fun!! I don't know why I was worried; my dad has had 4 kids so he's a damn sight more experienced in getting babies to sleep than I am!

Sleep is not so great here. We seem to be getting gradually worse not better. She was sleeping through the night reliably between about 9 weeks and 17 weeks going from around 8pm to 8am. She then started waking once in the night, now it's twice (around 1am and around 5am). Also, where she used to be just a 20-min BF then straight back down, she now feeds until I have no milk left then often polishes off a bottle of formula. And sometimes now she's up for an hour and a half or more at the 1am feed. Not crying, just grinning and wide awake. Finally to add insult to injury she's started to decide that she will start the day at 5.30am instead of going back to sleep. Not every day, but more often than I'd like. And if I have any chance of getting her back down to sleep at 5.30 then I have to put her in the bouncy chair with a dummy whereas she's never had a dummy to sleep at night before and she used to be fine in her cot. I am bloody knackered. Although I was at the end of my rope when I insisted that DP give me at least a little break and now one morning a week he is in charge of the 5am feed and either getting her back to sleep if possible or getting up with her if not. The deal is that whatever happens I get to stay in bed until 9am. Before I had a baby I'd have considered that a laughable "lie in" but now it is absolutely saving my sanity.

Wow that was a mammoth post. Not sure any of you will have made it to the end but, anyway, that's us. Nice to be back on the board, and , [tea] and all round.

Ecuse T has also taken to waking up for an hour or so in the middle of the night! It is an absolute killer.
I must do something wrong because this is both mine now that have been utterly crap sleepers
DS1 has been great since 20 months though, goes down v.well and sleeps 11-12 hours. We get an occasional nocturnal visit, and the odd 6.30am wake up but normally he sleeps all night and wakes up around 7.30.
If T is the same then I have another year of dreadful nights I will look 50!

We have rubbish nights too but we feed and cosleep and tbh if night feeding acts as contraception then I'm all for it! DH and I have been having the #2 debate. I don't think he realises how knackered I am and how the prospect of another pregnancy in 6 months and doing this all over again in a year is not filling me with joy.

ILTMI thank you for telling us about Cole. He was a very special little boy and I'm so glad you have little living reminders of him in DS2&3.

Ali a nanny is really the only option if you both work and one or both of you have unpredictable jobs. DH works what I would term full time plus, in the a 60 hour week is a short one, and he can be deployed. I start teaching at 7am 2 mornings a week and we're coming up to exam season which means I'll be invigilating and marking quite intensively and there is no slack to be had, so we have a nanny. I'm considering SAHMing after we move but I'm really not sure about it. Is it bad that I quite like working? I don't know whether it's because I love my job here and I would feel different in a different job or whether it's a security thing knowing that if something happened to DH we wouldn't be completely screwed.

cycle that sounds really cute but I bet the screams of joy in an echoey swimming pool weren't universally appreciated.

BLWing refluxers - have you found that weaning has settled the reflux at all? We just seem to be getting lumpy, brightly coloured sick instead of milk sick

I have loads of apples left from Halloween. What can I do with them? We have a party tomorrow night (DS has been partying lots lately - Monday and Tuesday and Friday this week!) so I was thinking something for then, but finger food, easy to prepare and fairly baby friendly.

We're mixing and matching ecuse. H seems to prefer being spoon fed gloopy things but likes to mash bread, rice cakes and mango etc. The gagging is getting less and he's getting the hang of it but I too was initially terrified!

Frak we initially planned to try for number 2 when DS1 was a year old, but I was just to exhausted with all the broken nights. Plus i was still feeding, and I don't think I had periods back.
There have been many days recently when I've wished I had a job to go to I love being at home with the boys though, and I'm very grateful for the opportunity to do it. DH works long hours and often is on calls in the evenings to tie in with colleagues in the US. He loves his job, I wasn't happy when I went on mat leave and they offered me rubbish hours when I was looking at going back. It made it a very easy choice.
Only you know whether staying at home is the right thing. Could you give it a try and then change your mind?

Crap night here, as usual!

Wow, lots to catch up on. The Aprilites have been busy again!

ILTMIMI Thinking of you and your family - thank you for telling us all about Cole.

Sleep has been a little bit better here of late . We seem to be down to one night time feed now but it's still pretty random as to what time this can be at. For instance last night it was 1am, the night before it was 5am. It's never before midnight though. I think it would be easier for me if it was a little bit more consistent but hope that this will settle in time. We're also still having some quite long night time wake ups - from reading the rest of the thread I see that I'm not alone - but I'm coping with these a little bit better now.

Weaning seems to be going ok. We're going down the spoon feeding route, but I'm planning to introduce some finger foods this week. I'm scared stiff of the gagging though - I must remain calm! There are obviously some tastes that P really likes and some that she's not keen on. Her facial expressions never fail to entertain me though!

Finally, a question about breakfast. When do you feed your babies? At the moment, P has a milk feed at 7ish, followed by breakfast about an hour later (if she's had her night time feed really late, say 5am-ish, then I give a solid breakfast before milk). She is never frantic for milk when she wakes in the morning. Should I be giving a solid breakfast as soon as she wakes and then follow this with a BF or should I carry on as I'm doing, i.e BF and then solids a little bit later?

I'm hoping that the morning and bedtime feed will be the two that I carry on with once solids are really established and I'm back at work. Does this mean I need to carry on with the morning BF as soon as she wakes in order to ensure that she takes enough milk at it?

star we do BF at 7ish breakfast at 8ish. If we don't feed in the morning he gets cranky but breakfast wouldn't see him through at 7. We seem to spend a lot of time feeding! More than when we were establishing BFing at times!

Star I bf L when she wakes up usually around half seven then give her breakfast at about nine followed by formula around half eleven then it's lunch around one to two, bf around four, dinner at about half six and finally formula at seven before bed. My goodness that's a lot of feeding when I set it out, I'm surprised I have time for anything else!!!

Thanks for telling us a little more about Cole ILTMIMI, I'm going to make a donation too. And give my DC an extra few squeezes as well, it's so easy to take things for granted and get caught up in the day to day.

Frak we're only in 2nd week of BLW but I've noticed S's reflux isn't as bad as it was a few weeks ago. Not sure if it's the BLW though or that she's sitting up a lot more. Still sicking up her milk a bit but she's not being sick after food and water. Mind you, she's probably not actually swallowing that much yet.

ecuse any sign of teeth from J? Could that be why she's waking more? Or cooler weather? I set the heating to come on for a bit during the night and it helped S sleep a bit better. Or growth spurt? Hope it settles down again soon.

Our daily routine goes a bit like this:-

6am wake up DH tries to settle, nappy change
6.30 if still awake we get up, breakfast of Mashed banana & porridge or toast and fruit, maybe weetabix (if I can stand the mess), followed by milk
7.30ish Hopefully will be sleepy again so goes down for a nap 1-2 hours
10.00 Little bit of fruit, pears and mangoes are a fav with greek yoghurt
12.00 Lunch, potato and root veg wedges or chunky veg soup, with toast fingers (if toast for brekkie he has a rice cake) Milk
Nap at some point
16.00 Milk feed
18.00 Supper, usually a bit of what we are having. If not suitable something like cauliflower cheese from the freezer
Btween 1900 & 2000 bath bottle bed
We were doing a dream feed at 11 for a while, but we have stopped that the past few nights and he seems to be ok with it.

The 2 day hangover has turned in to a lost voice and barking cough , so maybe not a hangover after all. I feel crap and this week DH has only made it home for bed time once. I've been going to bed at 8 just after B and I'm still knackered.

My folks are down this weekend to look after B when we go to Manchester and the house is a pit. I hope I feel better before we go down there, how am I going to cheer on Man U with no voice? We were hoping to get out for a nice dinner somewhere on Saturday night, but at this rate I'm only going to be fit for room service and x factor :(

Sorry that was a bit self indulgent

Having a rubbish time at the moment, nothing to do with dd - she's perfect - but dh on the other hand is a nightmare. He just constantly seems to be starting arguments and if I give him advice about dealing with dd he says I'm getting at him and bossing him around. Since she was born he hasn't made much effort to change his lifestyle and is pretty selfish. All I ever hear is how tired he is because he's working full time to bring in the money. He seems to think looking after dd day in day out isn't work! I just don't know what to do anymore and I don't think I can stay in a marriage like this. Is this normal, I know people say that a baby puts a strain on relationships, but to this extent?! He dotes on dd but i seem to be forgotten. Any advice would be great.

Ah Sassy you poor thing :( It is tough settling into life with a baby, especially when one of you isn't working because I think there is a tendency for the one working to underestimate what the one at home is doing all day!
Is your DH just tired and frustrated, or is there a deeper issue?
My advice is to grit your teeth when he is dealing with DD. It is very hard I know, but in the long run it is better to let him find his own ways of doing things. I found it really hard to do, and I don't always manage to still but I try and leave DH to it and he has his own methods and tricks that work for him.
I don't really know what to suggest about the rest - by you saying that he won't change his lifestyle I'm guessing that means he goes out a lot? DH had stopped doing all that before I met him so it hasn't been an issue.
I would be incandescent with rage if he did go out all the time and assume I would do all the childcare etc etc, but I'm guessing getting angry doesn't really achieve much :(

Star We have breakfast at about 8-8.30, and T will have had a feed somewhere in the hour before that. He normally then has another BF about an hour after breakfast, and will sometimes have a short nap at this point. He normally wants another little BF mid-morning, then we have lunch around 12-1 and he always has a big BF straight after lunch. Usually 2 more BFs in the afternoon, maybe only one if we are busy and he's distracted. Then dinner, and another BF after bathtime. Then however many during the night - urgh.

I would keep the morning one going. DS1 still has a beaker of milk first thing now and he is 3. I think of it like my morning cuppa, I wouldn't want to wake up and eat toast immediately without having my tea beforehand!

Blimey that was an essay!

star In terms of feeding solids I pretty much make her fit in with my schedule which is pretty random - I'm rubbish at routine. So for example today she slept late (HOORAY!!) so we had breastfeed at 9.45 then breakfast at 10.30 (weetabix). Then we went out to do a few errands and to a mother and baby cinema screening (my FAVOURITE thing about mat leave) and had a late lunch when we came back at about 3.00 (crumpet, plum, pear, tomato). Then went out again to drop DP off somewhere and she had the better part of a roasted sweet potato for tea at about 6pm. She's so cute doing that - she immediately worked out how to slurp the good inside bit out and leave the skin!

But on the days when she wakes up at 5am we're eating breakfast together by 6am. And I don't always give her three meals a day, I fit it around what works, whether we're in or out etc.

Sassy I don't know what to say about your DH. I know my DP and I have had our moments since J was born. And we'd have had a lot more if I hadn't done a lot of tongue biting about his lack of input at times. With hindsight I was justified some of the times and not at others - lack of sleep makes me seriously bad tempered. But only for about 30 seconds in my darkest moments have I thought "I don't think I can stay in a relationship like this". So not sure if that's helpful or not. But I think I would say that it's a massively fraught time and I would be loathe to make any big decisions too quickly. Could you get him to look after her for a day at the weekend or something whilst you go out? I know DP is always much nicer for a little while after he looks after her, because he's absolutely knackered after just an hour or two and I think it makes him appreciate how hard work it is looking after her all day.

Thanks Ali. It's difficult to explain really. His work is very demanding and he works shifts so isn't around a lot of the time at nights and at weekends. When he does have rest days he always heads off to have some 'me time' which I resent because I think he should spend this time with dd and me. It's also frustrating because I don't get any me time, and I seem to be left doing all the evening routine by myself for days at a time which is exhausting. I'm also the one getting up in the morning and the one who's looking after dd all day long and through the night. Don't get me wrong I love dd so much but like anyone I need a bit of a break occasionally. Dh just doesn't seem to understand the way I feel and if I say anything I'm just told I'm over reacting. We just seem to argue over the same things and it's making me more and more resentful of him. I'm just really unhappy right now and don't know if I can stay in a situation that's making me miserable. Maybe I'm just exhausted and having a fed up week and all will seem better tomorrow.

ecuse our messages crossed over. I've tried to get him to have her for a couple of hours here and there but he always seems to get little angel dd who's no trouble at all and always seems to have a nap! I know I need to bite my tongue on occasions but it's so difficult when I'm doing everything and then he thinks he can change routines etc to suit himself or plonks her down on a settee while he gets on with his own thing.

Tiredness definitely contributes, but you shouldn't feel that way constantly. You need some time to yourself as well, and he should be supportive of that. Have you tried asking him calmly about whether he respects you and what you do, and whether he has thought about how your life has changed?

I would always maintain though, that you shouldn't end a marriage or a relationship when you have a baby less than a year old. It is so hard, and such an upheaval.
DH and I have been very lucky I think, that our lives were quite parallel before we had DS1. We worked at the same company, and our friends are our friends, we see them together mostly. And we worked similar hours, we meant that we were already used to spending our time not at work together. From that point of view it was an easy shift into parenting.
All that said, we have still had rows, some really awful ones in moments of extreme tiredness! These 7 months since having Tom have been the toughest of our marriage without a doubt. DH is working longer hours (new job), and at the same time I am so much busier. I think until we went on holiday DH hadn't realised just how much work the boys are atm, so that was a massive eye opener for him.
We are just focusing on trying to communicate with each other, which is hard when we only spend about an hour together a day with us both awake and without any children!

I really hope you can work through it (((hugs)))

Thanks Ali. I have tried to talk to him but i always get blamed for him being how he is or told that I'm over reacting. I don't think he respects what I do or realises just how tough it is when I'm on my own so much.

Sorry you're having such a hardtime Sassy. Do you have family nearby you and DD could stay with for a couple of days? Just to give yourself a break and maybe jolt your DH into action?

I'd second the fact that I too have thought 'I can't stay in this relationship' when it's been a bad few days Sassy. sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason is what I've been told and it's true. DP also gets his 'me time' and I resent it sometimes because where the hell is mine?

I found starting having the occasional date night has really helped. We get in his sister to babysit and go out together somewhere. We don't even do it once a week but it's really helped us reconnect.

Is there anyone you can call on to babysit, even if it's just for you to go to bed for a few hours and recharge?

The first year is defo tough Sassy and like others have said, we've all had our moments and you shouldn't leap into any decisions while lack of sleep may be playing its part.

But, it does sound like your dh isn't stepping up to the plate. Does he often transfer his guilt/arguements on and back to you? Did he have much of a role model in his life? There might be reasons for his behaviour, but that's not an excuse.

Everyone's life changes when you have a baby, or at least it should. And not for the worse, it's just a different kind of normal. If both people in the relationship don't recognise that, then that is when the trouble begins. I think to get through such a tough time and such a big life change you need to be a team.

If your dh doesn't respect what you are doing then ultimately he doesn't respect you. Shame on him.

I guess you need to sit down together and discuss the situation. Try and remain calm and tell him how you are feeling. Sometimes you do have to bite your tongue over the little things, but with something so fundamental you need to discuss it before the situation becomes critical. you can both turn this around

Off to the small claims court with my old tenant this morning. I will report back later ................

Star Our routine is similar to Fizz's
FF at 7.30 (or whatever time R gets up) then actual breakfast at about 9am, usually porridge, weetabix or fruit.
Then another FF at around 12noon and then lunch (homemade soup and a yogurt or fruit) at about 1.30-2pm, FF again at 4pm, dinner at 6pm with us (whatever we're having or a jar/pouch if what we're having isn't suitable) and then bath after that and a final FF before bed around 8.15pm. We were previously trying to squeeze in 5 feeds a day but now she's eating 3 meals she can't manage them all so we cut it down to 4 and she will take between 4 and 6 ozs each time. On the odd occasion that she gets up at 5 or 6 then she does end up having an extra bottle which is fine too.

Sassy I can empathise with you on the DH front. There have been many times when I've thought that I couldn't stay in our relationship! I genuinely think that most men just don't "get it", obviously I know from a lot of you here that some men do but mine definitely doesn't! I had to laugh last week when DP was at home on Friday and he got so stressed trying to keep up with/follow what was going on. He came upstairs at one point with R under his arm and a basket of washing to hang in the other, looking all flustered and said "do you have to do this everyday, it's stressing me out already?" I just laughed! I'm sure he thinks R and I just sit around having fun and drinking tea! But agree with what others have said, you should maybe not make a big decision just yet while you're still feeling tired etc. I know what you mean about DH dumping LO on the sofa and carrying on with his own things or having her when she's in a good mood. That's usually what happens here too, either that or DP will take R to his or my mums, which really pisses me off as I think it's a total cop out! I hope you can try and talk to DH again and maybe sort something out. :)

As for us, R is getting so flipping demanding now with the rolling over etc!! I really wish she hadn't managed yet She spent practically all of yesterday afternoon cying because either a) she'd rolled over and couldn't get back or b) I'd strapped her in the bouncer (to get 5 minutes peace) and she wanted to get out and continue rolling! Put her in the highchair for a little while too but that proved just as futile as she got the huff on when she realised I wasn't feeding her and she just threw all the toys on the floor and cried some more! I'm finding her really hard to entertain just now, anyone got any suggestions? I can't even leave her to go and do bits and bobs as she'll just roll, get stuck and cry :( And also more worryingly, this morning she has started pushing up on to her knees and pushing forward.....is she really about to start crawling too??????

Sorry to hear that things are a bit rubbish at home at the moment Sassy :(
Having a baby is definitely a relationship changer. I hope that you're able to make sense of things soon.

Is your DH the first of his circle of friends/family to have a baby? If so, could it be that he really has no concept of how things change for everybody once there's a little person in the equation? Although not many of our friends have got kids yet, DH is from a big family with lots of children and had a much better understanding than me about how much hard work and how tiring it would be. He also has his own bizarre unique way of dealing with P. It's certainly different to my approach but I've decided it's easier to just leave him to it. Besides, there are some things that he's much better at with her than me.

I second Cycle's suggestion - is there anybody that could babysit for a couple of hours and give you both a chance to get out the house and catch up?

Thanks for all the feedback on breakfast. It sounds like I'm getting the timings right (phew!), so will stick with it. I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that weaning is hard work and that things were much easier when I only had to worry about breastfeeding (I never thought I'd say that in the early days!).

Good luck in court today ILTMIMI. Fill us in later!

Hope that you're feeling a little bit better Fizz. Rubbish timing to be poorly. Let me know if you want any recommendations for places to eat, drink and be merry on Saturday night.