*~*~* August 2010 *~*~* where does the time go?

[CherryPie3]

Only 5 spaces left on the old thread - wonder how long it'll take us to fill ths one up?

Happy chatting :)

dogwalker that is rubbish, and worse that you can't do anything about it! I hope you find someone reliable quickly. I think you're amazing to get on with all this without your DH, it's no fun at all and you must be so aware of everything he's missing with T. Glad T's back to normal again!

Last week was long but here we are, packing up again for next week. I'm shattered again so going to potter off to bed. I'm trying to get up the courage to dye my hair, the hairdresser did a permanent when I wanted semi and now I've got grow-back...I might wait til tomorrow when DH is gone again so if it looks bad I can try and sort it before he comes home!

dogwalker ugh - what a nightmare for you. It must be so intensely disappointing, especially, as you say, when you have to invite them into your home and try and make them a member of the family. I'm sure your T will be able to roll with the changes though, and then hopefully next time you'll get someone who will be able to provide you with some stability. I second what Chulita says - you really are a tough cookie to be able to cope with everything with your DH away so much. I am a total wuss - can barely cope with a night away!

belly ditto here on the bloody early wake ups. Thought we had them cracked, but everything went tits up on holiday. It rained a lot and was grey and cool when it wasn't raining, and Eli got diarrhoea a few days in and still has it. It has been a nightmare - distressed baby, truly explosive poos going all over clothing and prams and what not, he's been losing weight. We decided to come home early in the end as I was finding it so stressful being in the middle of bloody nowhere, in France, in August, when apparently even the doctors are on holiday. Took him to the GP this morning and she was totally unhelpful and made me feel (as usual) like a time-wasting worrywort. I really hate that he's got skinnier than he was (he's not a big boy anyway, only 25th centile) but she didn't think it was an issue. I'm to give it another week... Ho hum. Who knows if we'll make it to the Green Man Festival after all. Anyway, early morning solidarity!

Thanks for the kind words re returning to work worries. I think it will be fine once I'm there, but I'm not and just sort of dreading the whole thing. I feel really disorganised for the nanny starting too and I want her to feel comfortable/happy so she sticks with us for a year...

Marzi yes! Well remembered. I'm starting to get my thoughts together to write my UCAS application (almost makes me feel young again! Ha.) for the midwifery degree, starting next year. I'm just trying to read as much as possible and I've got in touch with the lovely midwives who helped me with my home birth to try and get a work placement. Fingers and toes and everything crossed. I do think having this to think about will be a lifeline when I'm back at my dreary desk.

Chulita I'm stuffing my face like a maniac at the moment. And really packing on the pounds. You, my dear, have every excuse in the world to keep eating, especially as a) you're growing a little one and b) it really helps to keep the vom at bay! Hope you breeze through this little bit and get to the lovely second trimester. When do you have your 20 week scan? Gosh - so exciting.

Laters potaters.

Bless my DM she has stepped into the breach again and will stay with me until I can find another au pair. Nat I would love to have a nanny but could never afford one, very of yours. On the returning to work, it will all go well once you're back at work, it's just actually doing the deed, the first day of leaving the house.

Sorry about your distressed Eli, that must be very worrying. I think Doctors should be more sympathetic, they should understand that a Mum knows her baby best and we know when they are just not right. Hope he improves soon, he is probably just fine but it doesn't stop you worrying.

Oh yes Chulita what about the 20 week scan and all the info. Hope you're feeling better and the sickness is subsiding.

Take care all xx

Disclaimer - this is going to be a long one, I need to get it off my chest, so feel free to skip on I won't be offended.

Am starting my first full week back at work today (4 days a week), the last 2 weeks have done mornings only whilst F has her settling in days at nursery - hah, what a bloody disaster it's been!

I ended up changing from the first (Surestart centre) nursery a week before I was due to go back to work, we'd done several "stay and play" sessions but even with me there she was a mess of snot and tears. She has such bad separation anxiety and is so wary of strangers, none of the staff could get anywhere near her, without her screaming the place down. I left her twice and both times they had phoned me within the hour to come and get her, to be honest, this didn't really inspire me with a huge amount of confidence that they were used to dealing with "high need" children.

Oh, how I wish she was a docile, placid, gurning baby who is happy to be bounced on your knee, distracted with a Fireman Sam figure and persuaded that "mummy will be back soon", but she just isn't, she's intense, stubborn, highly sensitive (to everything!), inquisitive, anxious and bloody hard work (enough to put me off ever having another one), I did all of my KIT days and loved the break from her (feel a bit bad for saying that but I do love my job as well).

Ended up ringing around childminders (though I really didn't want a childminder for several reasons) to see if anyone could take her as I thought she might just benefit from one to one care in a home environment, of course she would still need to build a bond with the person, but no one had availability until September. One of them did recommend a very small, private, family run nursery, and fortunately they had availability for the days I needed. I took it as a sign and visited with DH (who of course was furious that "all of this hasn't been sorted yet, you're going back to work next week!", he just didn't understand why she couldn't settle at the first nursery, then he calmed down and agreed we had to do what was best for F not what was most convenient for us!)

Work agreed for me to delay my return by a week (just as well as we were all struck down with a hideous S & D bug that week) so I could do some stay and plays at the new nursery which went reasonably OK, lots of crying during first session when I couldn't move more than 2 feet away from her, then gradually less over the week as she got famililar with the room and the people.

New nursery is fab - they really understand her, yes she cries when I drop her off (heartbreaking for me, but I do that super enthusiastic "Mummy loves you, have a lovely day, see you later, have lots of fun, kiss kiss", then go and sob in the car) but after 5 morning sessions without me she is now eating her breakfast, snacks and lunch there (the first day she refused to eat or drink anything and she loves her food), and they have got her to sleep every day at lunch time (she would normally nap at 9am but that's when I drop her off so there's not a cat in hell's chance that she'll sleep then.)

Have recently read The Fussy Baby by Dr Sears - wow, it was like turning a light on, he describes F to a t, I nearly wept. I know all babies are "high need" to a certain extent, but having made lots of new mummy friends with babies the same age as F, it is clear to me (and them!) that she is different. I'm hoping "different" in the sense that she is going to be hugely intelligent, and not in the sense that I might be cultivating a serial killer!

She had her first birthday a couple of weeks ago, and I couldn't believe a year had gone so quickly and dragged all at the same time. I was so looking forward to being a mum, I just didn't expect the baby I got, but I feel we've turned a corner now and we're both a lot happier for it. If I only had one word to describe the last year, it would be "RELENTLESS", I wish it could have been "magical", "exhilarating" or "fulfilling", but for me it hasn't been that, maybe I'm just not good with the baby stage, but I've found it hugely difficult, been reduced to tears on many days and felt very close to walking away from it all on several occasions, but when push came to shove, F needed me and not one person in this world loves her as much as I do.

I think this is what I find so difficult to reconcile - I love and hate being a mum, and wish I could find a middle ground where I could just muddle along thinking "this is OK, I can do this". A very good friend is having her 3rd baby in a couple of months, and I think to myself "how are you doing that?" I am genuinely in awe of anyone that can manage more than one child (physically and mentally). Does this mean I am a crap mum or that my baby is particularly difficult? I suspect (for me at least) the answer lies somewhere in the middle! Perhaps now I'm back at work I'll be able to rebalance myself a bit and be kinder to myself (am perfectionist and control freak personified) and just having time away from F gives me a chance to regain a bit of "me" which I lost somewhere along the way.

If you read any of that, well done! Love to all you wonderful ladies.

Oh Maiden your post made me cry. I feel so sorry that you have had such a harder time than me, and that you have not experienced the 'magical' and 'fulfilling' feelings that I have and I can't help feeling that you and F have missed out, which is what is really upsetting. I do hope that you begin to be kinder to yourself and then you may start to enjoy things more. You are most cartainly 'crap mum', you love your DD very much and want the best for her, which is what any mum wants.

Don't be so hard on yourself, remember no matter how much we want to be in contol of our lives, they, our darling children, are their own person and that can never be controlled the same. So chill out and enjoy the daughter you have. I came back to work 3 months ago and I miss being with my DS, I would love to be a sahm and I didn't do any KIT days, couldn't bear to be without my LO.

Glad you got a good nursery sorted. Take care of yourself and enjoy being a working mum .

Just re-read my post that was supposed to say you are NOT a crap mum . Sorry, hope I didn't cause too much upset. I really must start proof reading my posts before pressing the post message icon.

dogwalker good on your mum for stepping in again! I really hope you find someone quickly.

nat how exciting re application forms, I really want to do midwifery once we've finished our brood (which feels to me like 3 but DH is still hankering after 4, not the best time to ask me to have another one at this point )
wrt 20 week scan, I wish I was that far on, I'm currently trying to rearrange my 12 week scan cos I'm away on the day they've booked it (our one week's holiday for the whole year!) I'm only 9+4 so ages and ages and ages to go yet! Currently at the sick, exhausted and unable to eat/drink anything without feeling really ill stage but it will get better...

maiden you're not a crap mum, not at all, like dogwalker said all children come with their own personalities and you can't change them, you just love them and work within their characteristics.
I'm a sahm and I have to admit there are days I hate it. When L was about 3 months old I remember asking in a toddler group if anyone ever regretted having a baby and I was looked at in utter disgust with protestations of 'of course not, never, I love my baby'. Of course, I love both of mine more than anyone else in the world but L was a very intense baby, hardly slept and needed full-on, constant attention. DH went away for 6 months when she was 8 weeks old so it was just me, all day every day and seriously there were times I wanted to run away. My family all live miles away so I had no support/babysitters, it was horrible. But, it's all a stage and S is a completely different baby (thank goodness). I wouldn't want a different job but there are times I wish I had just one day a week for ME!
Sorry, a long-winded way of saying you're not alone, and you're not odd. There are plenty of mums who love their children fiercely but still really enjoy getting away from them and back to work and there's NOTHING wrong with that at all. Please don't worry about posting about how you're feeling either, that's what a support group is here for!

My goodness, I can't believe you read it!

Thedogwalker and Chulita, thanks for your words of encouragement, in reality I know I'm not a crap mum, I wouldn't be so worried about everything if I was, I just wouldn't give a toss. I just feel I don't have what it takes to look after her full time, everyone kept saying to me "oh, it's hard when you go back to work, you just want to be with them all the time", errr, no I don't, call me weird!

I think things have been better the last couple of weeks now that I am back at work, she is exhausted from being in nursery (her first full day today and they've not phoned me yet...) and sleeping better. DH and I actually split the weekend up into him looking after her (to give me a break), me looking after her (to give him a break) and joint looking after (so at least we can say we've had some family time).

For what it's worth, when she is having a good day (morning/hour), she is an absolute joy and has an infectious laugh and a wicked sense of humour already (shut mummy in the bathroom for fun anyone? That one was hilarious...) Plus she is the most beautiful baby, people actually stop me in the shop/street to coo over her (if only they knew the demon that lurks within ). I think I am now (after reading Dr Sears) accepting that I cannot change the way she is (curses to you Gina Ford, you made my life a misery for a long time!), just work with what I've got and try and embrace the fact that she is going to give us a real rollercoaster ride whatever happens, with the lows must come the highs!

I second Chulita, that's what this group is for, to share the good and the bad times, so I'm glad it's helped you and hopefully cheered you up a bit, you are not alone .

Maiden you are not alone! A lot of what you said has resonated with me deeply. I have found a lot of this year to be brutal. Magical moments and experiences for sure, but I had NO idea how difficult and intense this would be for me. My E doesn't sound quite as challenging as your F, but he certainly has his moments. He needs constant attention and stimulation and even with that, he can be hard to keep happy. We've had a really hard clingy phase where I have literally lost my rag with him because he wails even when held, let alone when I put him down or, heavens, do something other than lavish him with attention (like make a phone call or make him lunch). The sleeplessness has been brutal too. Luckily, his clinginess has eased in the last few weeks, as the nanny has started. Like your F, he has a great sense of humour - but sometimes I do worry I've turned E into an anxious, difficult little person by not being good enough, whatever that means.

This year has been a shock. I really had no idea motherhood would be so consuming and sometimes - if I'm perfectly honest - I resent it. My relationship with DH has radically shifted. We vent all of our frustrations at each other and in my blacker moments, I wonder whether we'll ever feel head over heels about each other again. I give 99% of myself to E because he needs it, so DH really gets the dregs. I think we both haven't really adjusted our expectations of life and still secretly banker after trips to the cinema, lazy weekends in bed, nights out... And it just ain't gonna happen. At least for a good long while. Ultimately, I think I need to be a less selfish person and just try and give myself up to life as it is, not life as I dreamed it would be. I'm just hoping that going back to work will lift some of the drudgery and not increase it - it could go either way. I'm excited about some time away from E, but also feel shit that I'll never have that endless me and him time back. I just wish I could have enjoyed my maternity leave more....

Ugh, sorry to ramble. Off to a day- long meeting at work. First true day back! Joy.

Love to you all x

Have you all had your LOs in for their 12 month jabs? Got a phone call from health cente yesterday, but my DM took the call as I was at work, so not sure how much of the actual facts I got. But apparantly my area don't do the 12 month jabs anymore but do them all at 13 months and I have to wait to be notified by post. This is all new to me as in Germany you just turned up at the HV when it was time and got the jabs done by the nurse.

Oh, bollox, I just typed a long post and lost it (perhaps someone was trying to tell me something?..)

F has her MMR next Monday, she'll be 12 months & 3 weeks.

Last few days have been a lot better, so much so that I'm now not completely ruling out the possibility of number 2, much to DH's relief - I kept threatening to take all her old clothes to the charity shop as we wouldn't be needing them again!

Nat I think it is v. easy to neglect your DH when the little person in your life demands 99% of you, is it too much to ask that you keep the 1% for yourself and not give it to DH? If I get 30 minutes free time I want it for me (to do something mad like have a shower and wash my hair, or just sit and read a book), I used to take these things for granted, now they're treats, how sad is that?

S hasn't had his yet, I waited til 18 months with L just cos it seemed like so much at once for such a little person. She reacted really badly to the MMR so I'm quite scared of giving it to S. Once I've got up the courage he'll have it but I'm enjoying him being his jolly self at the mo and don't want to change it

Chulita what happened when L had the MMR (if you don't mind me asking?) and was she OK with her other vaccs?

F has been OK with previous vaccs other than screaming the place down, which is to be expected, but she's never shown any symptoms of anything afterwards.

She was fine with her other ones but with the MMR she got stiff joints for 4 days which meant she cried every time she moved (literally, she was like an old arthritic woman), then she got a rash for 10 days that itched and bled, I have photos of her about a week after the jab and she's just a red, rashy mess. She just cried for about 2.5 weeks, was up all night...like I said, I'm dreading S's! To be fair though she's extremely reactive skin-wise, so much so that we can only wash her stuff in eco-balls/dress her in cotton/use one specific kind of moisturiser on her and she still has an eczema break-out every fortnight, it's just the way she is so the MMR might have something to do with her sensitivity.

Ouch Chulita that cannot have been easy for you or L. Makes me not so in a rush to get it all done. I think I'll wait until they ring and tell me to take T for his.

Nat that doesn't sound unreasonable at all, I think it's natural for you to want to unwind and spend the only bit of down time you get on yourself. Plus if you didn't then you would soon become unwell with too much work and not enough rest, sadly DHs don't quite see it like that. I think its been a very steep learning curve for most of us. So it's not selfish it's plain and simple a necessity.

I have had a very easy time compared to some of you, but I've not had a lie in bed past 6.30 for the last 6 months (he slept til 8am until 6 months old, big sigh) and yes I long for a lie in, a long soak in the bath, a glass of wine on a friday night just becasue I can. But with DH away I can't have any of that and when he's here, I still don't get it because he wants 'us time' . Would I change any of it, probably not, we as women just get on with it. But I am secretly yearning for my first lie in past 9 am, or even 10 am, or even breakfast in bed with the papers to read, oh now I know I'm dreaming .

Hope everyone is well, take care xx

To maiden and nat and all those having/have had a tough time - I am so sorry that motherhood hasn't been what you hoped for and I reiterate that you are most emphatically not crap mums. We all go into it blind in one way or another - even those who already have children I suspect. For me - and I know how very lucky I am - it has been the most incredible year. I am truly a better person for having Elodie in my life - I have discovered reserves of patience and love I never thought I had, have dealt with the lack of sleep much better than anticipated and feel all in all more complete. Nauseating, I know. When she was going through the 4 month sleep regression, I was tired beyond belief, but I never had any truly black moments. I am constantly looking at Elodie in amazement that I made her (even when she is being a clingy whingy little thing) and fit to bust with pride. I hope for those of you who have had very difficult times, that part of your relationship will come and those feelings will creep up on you at the most unexpected times and surprise you in the best way.

E is one tomorrow - her main present from me is a bike seat and I can't wait to put her on it. After fiddling around with it last night I think I've got it all sorted. We're having a little party but I've just realised that there are 14 adults and three babies who are all definitely coming, eek. Looking forward to it though, and to giving E her first taste of cake!

Was it something I said??? Where is everyone?!

I'm here! screens make me feel a bit sick so I'm limiting mn time at the mo :)

A friend heard that I was without DH for a while and she just dropped round the most enormous lasagne and lemon tart lovely! I've not been cooking much cos it turns my stomach so it'll be so nice to eat something proper!

I'm with you on the 'going into it blind' thing, I'm a bit about this 3rd one but I know that once it's here and we've settled into being 5 in the house it'll be brilliant.

Hurrah for Elodie being one Belly - how did the party go? Eli is one on Tuesday. Cannot believe it. We aren't planning a big bash this year. Most of our friends are away, as are lots of our family, so we'll just do something mini the three of us. Tomorrow we're having a joint one year party with our NCT gang, which should be fun too. Hope it's not stingy on the little guy, but I figure we can throw a big party when he's a bit older and more with it anyway!

Chulita I think you're right, once your 3rd is here, you'll be away! I'm so tempted by the idea of three myself. I've got a lot to fit into this next decade, with the midwifery plans n'all! Heh.

Much love to everyone. Keep posting!! We can't let the August 2010 thread die! x

nat we didn't do anything for S except make him a cake. For one he's too young to care and for another we don't have any friends round here to invite. I'm sure he won't mind though, he didn't seem to on the day :)

Happy birthday babies!

I was a bit neglectful over F's 1st birthday - we got a steam train from Paignton to Dartmouth, then back to Paignton for a play on the beach, by the time we got home, she was having a meltdown (hot and tired - bad combo) so we just put her to bed. We did her cake a few days later when she was being a smiley baby and put the "You're 1 today" banners up then to take the photos to send to DH's parents (who'll know?)

DH and I did manage to crack open a bottle of bubby (that we'd been given when she was born) to celebrate getting through the first year (by the skin of our teeth at times...)

F had her MMR no problems (well a bit of crying, but I would as well if someone stuck 3 big needles in me, and she did have some bruising) so that's it for the jabs now for a couple of years at least.

The light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter by the day (as long as it's not another train heading towards me), indeed I can smell the fresh air F is settling in better than I could have wished for at nursery and is doing full days now (3 a week) and she spends one day with my parents (bless them). Loving being back at work, with hindsight, I should have done it sooner, but you live and learn. Feel like I've really got the balance right now, 4 days at work, 3 days with F (and 2 of those shared with DH)

Belly, please don't think I'm rocking in the corner like a mad deranged woman . It hasn't all been bad! I have had some wonderful moments since F has arrived, but being honest there have been some very dark times when I truly did not know how I was putting one foot in front of the other, but they do seem to be behind me now, thank goodness. I think it would have helped me for someone (antenatal classes/midwife/friends/anyone?) to be a lot more honest about how hard it was being a parent, not just the physical side (sleep deprivation/bitten off nipples etc), but the mental side, I just wasn't prepared at all, I felt completely wrong footed from the word go. I'm not talking PND here, it's something else that I can't name - the complete loss of your own identity, your needs seemingly never being met (and I don't mean not going for weekends away anymore, just daft things like being able to pee when you need to).

Much love to you all (and the lurkers, I know you're there...) x

just sticking my head in quickly to let you all know I'm still alive...have moved house and have no internet yet (am at a friend's now). Will catch up properly when BT get their act together and connect us!

Hi everyone! I know I haven't been around for months, but I just wanted to pop back in to say a very happy birthday to all the beautiful bouncing babies. I've only managed a quick skim through the thread, and in a nutshell, 1) you sound like you're all doing really well, which is fab, 2) cazandbelle, I'm SO glad to hear that all is going well with the pregnancy, and 3) I can't believe some of you are already having your second (or third or fourth or fifth - you know who you are ). Utter bloody madness (but huge congratulations ).

Everything is really good with us. We had a little family party for Seth last week, which was really sweet (and boy was I proud of my home-made duck cake ). Seth is gorgeous, and I'd forgotten how much I adore this age - I think between 9 months and 24 months is the loveliest age, when they're so funny and cheeky and cuddly, but before the terrible twos kick in. Seth's doing loads of chattering and waving and general cute enthusiasm at the moment (though still not walking, lazy little bugger).

Anyway, I must dash off to buy a stairgate (Seth thinks it's hilarious to rocket up the stairs, cackling with laughter, every time my back is turned, and then howls as if I'd broken his heart when I lift him down). I hope the next few months are kind to everyone, and I'll try to check in again some time.

xx

Well, it's been a funny old day here for Eli's birthday. I have been feeling incredibly emotional the last 24 hours or so, just remembering how labour started up, how I felt, what we did... Did anyone else feel like that? Perhaps having a home birth means that you are confronted with vivid memories associated with certain spots whereas you might not have that if you had your baby in hospital? Anyhoo, have been quite teary, really! What an amazing, beautiful, raw old year it's been. I so absolutely second what Devon says - no one quite tells you what a truly 24 hour, full-on experience parenting is. Perhaps it's obvious to some people? I dunno. I didn't expect it to be this hard. But it's getting easier for us too. I can start to feel a rythym to it all...

Poor E though. Not much of a birthday! We were up every two hours last night with a hysterical baby. He's finally getting his two top front teeth and they seem to be giving him a lot of trouble. I actually found myself up at 3.24am, standing in our bathroom where I had him as a result! Quite mad, really! But, bless him, he's been knackered and crabby as hell all day. He cried through a lot of Gymboree class (which he usually loves) and then cried his way through lunch... Then my lovely friend came over with her cheeky six month old and cheered us up, and we pottered around Brixton a bit and then just played with the boys at home. Very quiet! Probably a good thing! Imagine if I'd planned an elaborate day out and he wept through the whole thing?! (she says, excusing her laziness).

Well, in yet another emotionally frazzling turn, I've got my first day back at work tomorrow, so better hit the hay. Xx