Traumatic premature birth

[missjulie]

Have just joined mumsnet, not sure what i am doing yet!
Am a first time mum, my daughter is 18 weeks old.
She was 7 weeks premature, and in S.C.B.U for a month.
Looking for other mums to chat to about my/our birth experiences, scbu etc....events have finally caught up with me, and i am struggling emotionally/mentally with the traumatic events of premature birth etc....
Am experiencing extremely vivid flashbacks & having nightmares....
Wondered if anyone else in the Inverness area is going through the same thing, and fancies chatting about it?
Willing to meet up in person.
Am feeling very lonely with regards to this.....

Hi missjulie, my dd was 11 weeks early and spent 71 days in SCBU (not that we were counting). Does your unit have a support group? Ours does and it has been really helpful meeting other parents who have gone through the same thing.
I found it incredibly difficult dealing with everything once we came home; much harder than when dd was in hospital, it all seemed to catch up in a big rushing wave. I was ever so odd about going out in case anyone asked me about my teeny tiny baby, the thought of having to explain made me feel sick with fear.
My dd has been home for 4 months now and things are slowly getting back to normal, I hope you can find the support you need, please don't bottle it up.
I don't live any where near you or I would love to meet up.

thank you LRB978, i appear to be shouting at the moment! I sure can't go on like this. 5 years, crikey, you poor love. Glad things are better now hun.

granhands - our scbu unit doesn't appear to have a support group - been asking this week. I feel like i have just had 'the wave' - i know exactly what you mean.
Glad things seem to be going in the right direction for you hun. We have been home 3 months, but things have only just hit me.
Shame you are not near, would have been nice to meet up and swap stories, cry, chat....

morning. how are you today? I hope you had a reasonable night with Evie (I agree a lovely name).

For what its worth as soon as DS cam home and his corrected age was positive I just lied about how old he was and said the corrected age.. He was still small but i hated explaining to random strangers.

I found going out and trying to be like other mums helped. Fortunately my ds is quite healthy, no oxygen etc so that was possible. But I do zone out when other people talk about their traumatic births. My actual birth was fine but the next 53 days were tough (i wasn't counting either). In my case 7 weeks corrected was the time it got tough but its better again now. Feeding was always the thing that got me as DS is a reflux baby. but even that's slowly improving.

Hang in there.

Morning!
I'm so so.
Thank you for asking.
Night times are always the hardest.
My husband is off-shore, and the lack of communication is driving me nuts, particularly since this has only all come to light since he has been away. We are unable to talk. I received an e-mail from him this morning, which is the first communication for almost a week. I felt not too bad until i read it, and then the tears started, again!
On a positive note, Miss Evie, who has not been sleeping at all well has done really well the last few nights!!!
The lack of sleep def doesn't help....
It is horrid having to explain her small size to complete strangers - you feel like typing it out and sticking it to your forehead!
Going out does help......until you come home again, and i have to make a huge, huge effort in order to actually get out of the house and go somewhere - i only managed to go somewhere Mon, Tues, and Wed this week, and am going out again today, but had to cancel plans for Thurs, Fri, and Sat as was just far too tired, and emotional too.
We had our parentcraft reunion on Monday - as you may have read in previous posts, and it was so hard to listen to the other mums talk about their experiences - particularly those who had the addacity to complain about their 'normal' experiences, and their 'normal' problems with breast feeding.........i fell apart after the group.
They have no idea what it is like to have gone through 4 days of hell, a full day of labour, being fully dilated for 4 hours, spinal with emergency complicated c section, baby in scbu for a month and all the various concerns/problems that has as well as the fact that i was really unable to BF due to being so early, lack of skin to skin, the situation..........god it was just horrendous. I so wanted to BF her, and only managed dribbles for 27 days, and had to completely give up, despite expressing. I hate that. All i ever wanted to do was to BF my baby.............oh god, the can of worms has opened again this morning....bet you wish you hadn't asked!!!!!

Glad that things are slowly improving for you hun.

I think this site is brill, i only discovered it last night, and am so encouraged to see that i am not alone!

J x

Dribbles are great, dribbles are a lot more than a lot of term babies get! You did brilliantly getting to 27 days and Evie will have benifitted from that immensly.

The small size explanations can get a bit boring after a while. If i were you i'd like lie when I couldn't be arsed to explain or just say "yes" when people say " isn't she tiny!". Thankfully it doesnt usually take them long to catch up :)

It must be hard being on your own all the time.. just keep coming back here and talkign to us

Oh and really glad to hear Evies slept better :)

Thank you, i shall keep coming back here, everyone has been so nice, and so understanding. Although last night was s**t, it was nice to know that i was not completely 'alone'.
My hubby emailed me this am, the first communication i have had in DAYS! Was lovely to hear from him, but did set the tears off again!

Oh gosh, i remember the nighttimes - they were the worst - DS2 used to wake every hour and a half and it took him nearly an hour to feed... i couldn't BF him because he was a lazy so and so - used to just lie there hoping it'd drip into his mouth and that he wouldn't have to work for it.

But it will get easier - i promise it will. DS2 is nearly six now and to look at him you'd never know he had such a rough start.

Please do keep popping in here - it's a great source of support and encouragement - it must be especially difficult for you with your DH being away for so long - have you anyone else that could lend a hand at all?

Yes, know hoe it feels for one feeding session to run into another! We have got passed that part now! Phew!

No, not really got anyone else to rely on.

Shall keep popping back.

Its rough that your DP is away, mine was great: if a bit baffled by my behaviour.
I coudn't breastfeed either. I was gutted, I breastfed my much older son and thought that it would be easy this time round. HA! The fact that you managed 27 days is great, please do not put yourself down, many mums who have "normal" births do not manage that and no-one would sneer at one of them.
There is evidence that prematurity and emcs has an impact on breast milk supply. I believe that your body is not ready and the shock of it all probably doesn't help either.
Cry as much as you want, I cried eveywhere for weeeeeks, still have the odd sob even now, makes me feel much better x

I'm so sorry your dp is away. is there anyone else you could talk to? your mum? any other friends. I found lots of people did not know what to say to me, but after a while I stopped caring (or showing I cared anyway!)

I also found some of the people from my antenatal class were helpful. They hadn't been through the same things we had, and yes they needed to have a moan about their experiences (which was just human nature) but after they had got that out of their systems they were always happy to listen to me, and tried to help when they could offered to mind my DS when I was ill even though they had young babies, and just listened when I thought I was going mad and could not do the motherhood thing any longer. Perhaps worth a try?

I also know what you mean about getting out. That's why I am online a fair bit. Personally I felt I'd lost my old life overnight, had no time to prepare for motherhood, and then had this tiny baby who was reliant on me to deal with. I think that was part of the shock. A counsellor at my hospital told me it was a bereavement, and that I was going to need to grieve for the loss of my pregnancy and the experience I had expected. I think he was right and that was part if why I found the weeks after DS came home so tough.

Also do try not to beat yourself up about BF. Of the scbu mums I know I know 3 who managed to BF, everyone else gave up and used formula, almost instantly once they felt they were allowed (often as soon as the baby was out of NICU and the choice was FF or BF, many were also using donated milk earlier than that). You did brilliantly for 27 days, and that's longer than many people managed even with strong term babies who don't have to be taught how to suck.

Finally keep talking, posting, crying. And remember even at 4 am when your DD won't feed won't settle etc you are not alone. I may not be on line but my ds is keeping me up too!

Aw, thank you guys, the tears have started again, as i read your posts!
I shall keep crying, and talking, and typing!!!
Haven't really got anyone i can talk to...yet..hence me finding you guys! Thank you! :)
xxxx

Aw, don't beat yourself up about bfing. Really. So few babies leave SCBU being exclusively breastfed. 27 days is fantastic.

I got sick of explaining that DS was prem too. I clearly remember the awful look I got from one mum when I told her how old my DS was. I'm sure she thought I was lying for some reason, though why you'd want to pretend your baby was older than it was I have no idea. I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of an explanation as she'd been so rude so I left her wondering. But, and here's the good bit - no one has questioned his size or age for a good few months. So really, its not forever. It got so much easier at 6mo.

Hilda makes a really good point about grieving for what you have lost. I think you do. My friends talk about having the midwife pass the baby to them when they were in hospital, and getting skin to skin. I didn't have any of that and it hurts sometimes.

People will always moan about their own experiences, because to them it's all they know. It doesn't belittle or reduce the importance of yours to you in any way. You have had a really rough time but they won't know if you don't tell them. Let them have a whinge and then talk to them about you. I haven't met anyone I have told my story to who hasn't been anything other than sympathetic and understanding. But when my DS just did not sleep, ever, I let my BF have a whinge about her brilliantly sleeping baby refusing to eat lumps or whatever because she needed to vent about that too. And then I could tell her precisely the multiple times my DS had woken in the night and she would buy me a cup of tea, sympathise and let me doze.

Yes, it is swings and roundabouts, i guess.

I am glad that things got better for you, and that noone has questioned his size and age for a while, you must be delighted.

It is like i have lost something, and grieving may be what i am going through, i hadn't actually thought about it like that.

I do let the others moan about their experiences, and yes, everyone's experience is a big deal or huge to them, it just hurts when they talk of 'normal' being horrendous - but they had their baby 'normally', they got immediate skin to skin, they managed to successfully BF......and there are so many of us that didn't get any of that. You are right, it does hurt that we didn't get that.

Sounds like you have a good friend there! x

I would recommend asking your dp for counselling. I had some for ptsd after my daughter was born (27wker) and it really helped.

She turned 4 aa couple of weeks ago and I can honestly say I look back at that part of our lives as something we lived through, got stronger because of and have mostly moved on from.

Yes, i asked on Tuesday, just waiting for an appointment, hope it comes through quickly.

That is encouraging to know, thank you.

morning again. Did you have a good night? has you dp emailed again? I've been thinking of you hope you are hanging in there.

I don't think this has been suggested to you yet but I actually met my BF through Netmums Meet a Mum. click here You put up what is effectively a personal ad and / or reply to other people's and arrange to meet up. You could specifically say you'd like to meet others with prem babies or emcs if you wanted to. Might be worth a try?

Hi guys
Evie slept 8 hours!!!!!! Woo hoo!!!!!!
Can't believe it!!!!!
No, only the 1 email from hubby, but tis better than nothing!
I did put a request on the local mumsnet page, but no replies yet.
Hope you are all ok ladies.
I have been trawling the internet for a week now, and have purchased severao books on prem babies/emotional problems, the first of which arrived today. I absoloutely HATE reading, but i think it may help me........might take me until next year to read!!!

8 hours.. Now you are making me jealous!!!!!! My DS has done a maximum of 5 and a half. EVER. And he's 24 weeks old now (13 corrected).

I tell myself its because I have managed to breastfeed him (although with a lot of bottles of expressed milk when he's being a pain) mind you I tried nutriprem yesterday and it made him so consitpated I'll carry on on the pump for a while. Please don't think I'm making a point about BF, but I remember a friend of mine whose first child was also 11 weeks early (her second was born at term) who told me that she literally spent 6 months rocking backwards and forwards crying and was convinced that all the problems she was having being a mum of a preemie were down to the fact that she did not have enough milk. Its only since we've started to talk that she realises I have a number of the problems she had 4 years ago that she believes the BF or lack of it wasn't the problem. It was just the trauma of having a prem.

For what its worth, she also convinces me that it will all get better but its very hard having a prem, and she only knows how hard given her second baby came at term.

Anyway I'm so pleased for you, especially if you DH is away. In my experience everything is a bit better when you are a bit less tired.

Hope you find the books helpful. However again from my experience I have read loads of books, and in the end chucked them all away and done what I think best. As far as I can tell my DS is healthy but worrying that he isn't is not going to help me so I'm learning to be patient. He'll catch up in his own time (I hope).

Oh god.
I am soooo very disappointed. :(
My health visitor just phoned me to say she received today a letter from the community mental health team. They say they can't help me as it is not mental illness.
I am sooo upset.
I can't believe this.
I have spent every waking minute since last Tuesday clinging onto the hope that an appointment is imminent.................

Yes, i agree that books could stress you out even more, but these books are about emotional support with regards to having a prem, which i think is what i need.
Oh, it's so hard, we all have our own problems, eh.

Oh I'm so sorry. My hospital just provided counselling along with everything else like incubators!. Try bliss?

I am still waiting a reply from Bliss.

Please try to hang in there. I know its hard and it must feel like the health team have just kicked you when you were down (through no fault of your own) I don't know an answer as it appears my neck of the woods is good comparatively. Have you also spoken to your GP? Again my surgery has a postnatal counsellor attached the refer people to. Also does your hospital have a birth afterthoughts programme. Again i was just sent an appointment to discuss things even though I didn't have much to discuss.

How's Evie this morning.

Yes, it is extremely hard. It's not like i am just sitting here waiting for someone to ask if i need help.............i am actively seeking help!!! I feel very let down.
My GP is a waste of time.
No birth afterthoughts prog either at hosp!
Sounds like you guys have a great support network!!!

Miss Evie had a super-fantastic sleep! - 12 1/2 hours!!!!! I can't belive it!!!!!! Think she is making up for lost time!!!!! - hope it continues!!!!! :)

I however, do feel like i have been hit by a bus, as i couldn't sleep last night. I finally dozed off around 5.30am ish, and Miss Evie woke me just before 7am. Just going to head back to bed and see if i can have a wee power nap, as would you believe Evie is sleeping again!!!!!