Are you a good mother?

[Allyinoz]

I just read an article on Elisabeth Badinter and how she believes the natural mothering ideology that has been very popular in recent years is causing lots of unneeded stress in women. E.g. no epidural, breastfeeding at all costs, no childcare, or you are a bad mother, etc.

It made for interesting reading I thought. Perhaps we need to stop comparing each other and feel less guilty?

Elisabeth Badinter news story, www.theaustralian.com.au/news/features/mama-youre-on-her-mind/story-e6frg6z6-1225878423523

I think all mothers should simply do what they feel is best for them, their children and their family.

I had 2 el. CS, didn't BF either of my children beyond around 3 months... but don't work and rarely if ever, leave them with anyone else. it's what works / worked for me and my situation.

I know of mums who love to work, of mums who hate going to work but have to, of mums who love to stay at home and of mums who are finding it difficult to return to work.

There is no perhaps about it. We should stop comparing ourselves to others.

Ooo, she sounds interesting and cool- get her on for a live webchat! Not certain about some of the details but do agree that there are strong personal and political reasons for women to beware defining themselves solely as mothers.

Absolutely. I am the opposite of Harimo - homebirth, exbf, but am the main breadwinner and returned to work at 12 months (ds is in nursery). Yet it's quite clear to me that Harimo and I have made equally valid choices.

I like the final quote from Elisabeth Badinter: "My only advice would be to listen to your own desires and know that no one knows the secret of good motherhood. ... Don't follow fashion, fashion changes". A new motto?

No I think its horrible. I don't like the implication that encouragement to breast-feed is 'fashion'. Its the result of very rigorous science. Some of the other 'trends' she talks about might be fashion, but not that.

Agree with MamaChris.

We shouldn't listen to one person's opinion.

We should listen to ourselves and what we know in our heart is right for us and our babies.

Is this really a political issue, and not a parenting one?

I mother my way... largely influenced by the way I was mothered myself. Doesn't chime with what other people think or do, necessarily but that really doesn't bother me. I have friends that mother in a different way and wouldn't dream of questioning their techniques either.

I am very concerned about the amount of interference young mothers get... some of it constructive, but so much more being random stuff from conflicting research, health professionals and magazine articles muddying the waters. If you spend one week reading the Daily Mail, for example, and try to faithfully follow the advice given on how to be a 'perfect parent' you'd be doing the polar opposite by Saturday what you started on Monday.

Believe in yourself and go with your instinct. Everyone's different. There is no right way to do it.

Shrug. I always feel like somewhat of an anomaly as home birted, breastfed for ages, co slept, slings etc etc...yet went back to work at 6 months full time as I had to.

They seem ok though - sometimes I wish they would lose a bit of confidence

I think follow your instincts and do what is right for you and your family. We are all different people in terms of what we enjoy doing, who we fancy, what we eat, whether we like our jobs or not, so why are we expected to all be the same type of mother. As long as nobody is preaching to me what to do, I don't care if someone is different to me. I wanted a natural birth, but ended up having an epidural and emergency c-sec, however, I don't feel like less of a mother or a failure. I'm bloody lucky to have a healthy child, especially having close friends who have lost babies.

"She praises French women for being the "bad students" of Europe in terms of breastfeeding (close to half of French women do not even breastfeed at hospital) and for having had a long tradition of handing over their children at a young age to wet nurses and afterwards to nannies and creche staff."

So er, that will be someone else's mother bringing up the babies of the bad students then......

Vive l'egalite!

Actually, I will give her that.. I was made to feel like a 'bad student' (or naughty child) for wanting an El CS by the NCT.

I will never forget sitting in my first NCT meeting (I worked until the day before DS was born, so never went to AN classes) professing that I'd scheduled my son's birth for a saturday morning so that DH didn't have to take time off work (he was working in Russia so getting home at a moment's notice wasn't that easy). oh, and, just for good measure, I added that I was FF because DS was jaundice and it's what the Paed recommended.

Oh, how green and innocent I was. believing that all mothers would understand and accept my choices. ROFL

Safe to say, I never went back to the NCT having been chased down the road

I think this is a political issue in that the Goverment is very interested in meddling with mothers - whether it's insisting they all get back in the workplace or blaming mothers for the amount of men who impregnate them and fuck off without paying a penny, or blaming women for the childhood obesity crisis (rather than the up-until-recently nutritionally appalling school meals and allowing junk food manufacturers to promote 'healty' living by flogging more of their own crap products)...

well I've had one CS, one with epidural, one with just gas and air, I exclusively BF one, FF my second, and then mix fed my 3rd, I've worked and I've been a SAHM, I've been in a relationship (marriage) with children, I'm now a single mother with 3 children. I don't currently work but will in the future and I'll stick my children in the imaginary childcare.

I don't tick any of the boxes

And of course, some people don't have the luxury of choice. You might have to have a CS. You might be unable to BF. You might have to go back to work.

And of course, some people don't have the luxury of choice. You might have to have a CS. You might be unable to BF. You might have to go back to work.

Most of the things you have control over as a Mother are less important than the things you don't.

And this bit...

"A champion of more "nonchalant pregnancies", she attacks as another regression the tendency to control women expecting a baby with prohibitions against everything from smoking and drinking to their diets."

Well, call me old fashioned, but I think incubating a new life is a responsibility, one which doesn't include forcing an unfiltered gauloise into a developing lung. But then I am probably terribly regressive.

And am not sure of her problem with La Leche league advocating breastfeeding. I mean, isn't that like saying 'Bloody Save the Children, always banging on about the starving africans?"

But ROFL at her conclusion" "My only advice would be to listen to your own desires and know that no one knows the secret of good motherhood. ... Don't follow fashion, fashion changes".

No shit, Sherlock.
As Rousseau almost certainly never said.

I think we are right to encourage as much natural motherhood as is reasonably possible without causing distress.

I think breadfeeding should be encouraged, and yes, I do look down at someone who chooses to bottle feed when they could breast feed. I don't if they have to work, or if they are physically unable to even after trying everything. I don't get the mentality that it's somehow 'unnatural' to breastfeed, because breasts are seen as sexual playthings.

Yes, natural birth is better than c-section, it is better for the mother and the baby, but not if either are at risk, and there's no shame in it if there was medically no choice. But why should we give c-sections to ladies who just don't want to go through labour?

And smoking and drinking, sorry but if you choose to put your baby at risk then you ought to be ashamed of yourself. That's not fashion, that's moral good sence!

I think she's largely talking crap tbh.

Yes the policing of women's bodies and behaviour as soon as they become mothers - well as soon as they get pregnant - is objectionable in the extreme.

But all the other stuff - go back to work, separate yourself from your baby, don't co-sleep, breastfeeding's not much better than bottle - is either ill-informed or pandering to an anti-mothering agenda. Most mothers don't want to hand their babies over to wet-nurses, co-sleeping doesn't stop you having sex, spending a few intense passionate months with your new baby doesn't stop you re-joining the salon/ workplace when that phase is past, breast-feeding past 6 months does have proven benefits (speaking as someone who didn't but has no desire to pretend that just because I didn't do it, doesn't mean other people doing it is pointless).

She's also v. right about not defining yourself solely in terms of being a mother; but similarly, what's wrong with enjoying it and wallowing in it for a few months? Is that really going to stop you functioning in society for ever afterwards? And if it does, shouldn't we change society?

I feel confident about my parenting choices. It hasn't all gone perfectly by any means, but I am a good mum in my own eyes at least. We all do the best we can and it would be nice if we all felt good about it and not guilty about it.

Agree with you Bobbalina

Saliz - you look down on mothers who not breastfeed? I assume that just by looking at them you can tell why they are not breastfeeding? Also I can't see why mothers should not have a choice about how to give birth, c-section or natural.