How to talk to my friend who is hyper emotional towards her country and she can't seem to understand why I am not a supporter of the country, despite me being born there...

[SadTexanChick]

A lil bit of context... we're both females in our early 30s. My friend, Amy, is an Indian citizen in the states waiting for her green card through marriage. She was born and raised in India, up until high school. She has a blind loyalty towards India. Like extremist level views.

I on the other hand have no such opinion about India. I was born in India but my parents moved overseas when I was 1.5 years old. I literally have no memory about India besides a childhood trip there where I was hot, miserable, and couldn't wait to be home.

So when I tell her that I don't see India in a positive light (because of the greed, corruption ,etc) she takes extreme offensive. I told her I don't see myself as an Indian, I only associate myself with my country that I grew up in, she's all up in arms. I told her I respect my Indian heritage and I really love the culture, but other than that, I don't relate to India at all. How is that my fault????

AM I THE CRAZY ONE HERE????

What do you mean by extremist level?

Like in her eyes, India is #1 no matter what. During this India vs Pakistan mini war situation, she was ready to go enlist in the Indian army🙄If I dare say something about the poverty or corruption or greed, its "Oh I am ignorant and misinformed" when actually India was the most corrupt country in the world just recently lol

Perhaps Amy needs to go and live in India if she loves it so much?

Extreme feelings like this to me smack of insecurity and searching for an anchor in some kind of identity.

It's her view about India. I'd just not discuss it with her.

Maybe ask her why she's bothering waiting for a green card, why not just go and enlist in the army straight away

Ohh, I hate people that have blind love for their corrupted, full of crime birth country, while in the luxury of their lives in a nice country. When she starts trying to lecture you, tell her to go back if she loves it so much. Life is much harder for women there.

Where I live I see many car's license plates or large stickers with the word "Punjab or even with their own surname". They probably instill a lot of pride for their country at the elementary school. I love my birth country but not to the extreme, you or your parents left your birth country for a reason and should love the country where you are now. No extremes are good.

Ugh. Nationalism is so stupid. It’s how wars start and is the root of racism. Can’t stand these people whether it’s in their own country or expats but the latter are the worst.

Why is she living in the US if she's so attached to India? On some level she must understand that other countries offer an alternative and maybe better way of life. It seems hypocritical.

It's odd that she can't understand you grew up elsewhere and so don't feel a connection to India. I just wouldn't talk to her about it.

I just wouldnt talk about it otherwise you would come across and the important thing is you needing to be ''right'' rather than it actually doing any good, why do you feel you need to change her mind?

It doesn't sound like a political conversation. It sounds like an emotional attachment. Your friend is in a foreign country, dislocated, and she's finding her attachment to her country of birth comforting and grounding in some way. You represent a bit of a threat to this, really, as you are, like her, born Indian but have detached from the country. Who will she be if this happens to her? What will this mean about who she is - will she lose this part of of herself that she loves? She already feels foreign to where she lives, will she also become foreign to her homeleand? What will that mean?

It doesn't matter that you, as a different person, may have never had those feelings of attachment to India, no matter how long you lived there. It's about her. If you like your friend, perhaps try to understand what she's saying emotionally and don't get drawn into arguments about politics or stats about corruption. It doesn't sound like you're going to get anywhere. Talk about something else.

Just don’t discuss matters about India. I had an associate who was the same about Russia - we just never talked about Russia!

I would avoid politics and if she brings it up, sort of twist it round to being about her "you should a bit homesick," "you should plan a trip back there soon," that sort of thing.

She's projecting on to you, but this is about her and where she fits in the world.

Haha I've thought about saying this to her but it'll only make her angrier. Another funny fact is that she's spent THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of dollars on trying to get her citizenship approved, yet still talks about India like she's dying to go back.

But she's always the one that brings this stuff up and I always tell her "Amy, I literally don't care about any of this. You're trying to start an argument with me when I feel nothing about what you're saying, one way or the other". She just doesn't understand my nonchalant attitude.

Yeah I see stuff like that too, and it doesn't bother me. I think if you have love for your country that's great. But don't try to push that on to me and then get offended when I tell you none of it pertains to me? That just tells me you're looking to pick a fight and there's no fight to be picked on my end. She even bashed my country for no reason during this argument that she brought up and I just let it go.

She's always bringing it up... But yeah, next time she does, I'm just going to tell her I don't want to talk about it with her.

So I told her that I really respect and admire the love that she has for her country, but I feel no such attachment towards it even though I was born there. I think it's so weird that she's trying to push this narrative on to me. Also I never bring this stuff up- its always her😅 I literally don't care one way or another about that country because my country has too many problems that I am trying to keep track of 😭🤣

What do you mean, when you say she bashed your country? Which country? You were born in India too, weren't you?

Anyway, I'd just talk about other things with her. Presumably she has some good points and is nice to be around, otherwise you wouldn't be her friend. Friends don't have to agree on everything.

Neither of you are crazy - she grew up and loved it there, you didn't - it's more an inability to understand each other's emotional attachment to where they grew up on both parts.

It's very common with ex pats to have very strong views of their country of origin. In fact you find that some become more traditional than those at home.

Just change the subject.

Born in India, parents left with me as a 14 month old because there was no future for them there. I was raised in America and I am an American first. I love this country! And I literally never say those words aloud. Its just how I feel 😅

After I told her I thought it was great that India has come such a huge way in terms of progress in the last decade or so, she went on to say that America is "$h*t" and I said that's fine, she can think that and left it at that.

But I said I'm not loyal to India and apparently I crossed some sort of line with her...

Probably, it is tricky even for people living in India, I am Indian, she got her brain washed due to her parents insecurities, though it doesn't help.yes she brings it up because she is being brainwashed to not get influenced by you. How can you take away her insecurity towards you?

Some people can't bear it if you don't agree with them

The difference between you is she was born AND raised there so that is her homeland that she is passionate about. You won’t change that. The best thing to do is to not get involved in these types of conversations with her. My MIL is Indian, partner obvs Indian heritage but born and raised in England. My MIL has blind loyalty to India even though she’s lived in England far longer than she lived in India. And I get it, that will always be her ‘home’ so I refuse point blank to have any of these conversations with her because it’s like banging my head against a brick wall.

This may be down to her guilt. Some people who leave behind a country feel a lot of guilt. She may be reducing her guilt by jumping up and down about how great India is, so that she doesn't have to think about leaving behind an awful lot of poor people. If she pretends it is a nirvana, she doesn't have anything to feel guilty about.

I mean, that doesn't excuse any of this stuff that goes over the top. The Kashmir thing has been going on since when, 1947? It was frightening when it reached the news last week - I was alarmed because it is always anxiety-inducing when two nuclear countries get going at each other. But this has been going on for 80 years, and the majority of Kashmiri people want to be independent or Pakistani. Her jumping up and down about joining the army to defend India was 100% ridiculous.

Then, if I were in your shoes, I'd be genuinely put out by someone pretending 900 million compatriots are in the pink, when they are living in dire poverty, regardless of whether it was my country. Perhaps she just can't cope with such a mind-blowing figure, but it sounds like she is romanticising their strife away. I'd say that, in a daft way, she could be deflecting guilt at getting out for an easier life - that would explain the strength of her feeling. It happens everywhere - people in the UK pretend that the poverty line under which so many millions of children live is some sort of arbitrary figure, wilfully ignoring that it is a UN global measure. It is very hard for some people to accept.

If it goes on much longer, perhaps you might need to get ready to walk away. Guilt or not, it is always hard to deal with another's extreme views, whatever they might be. It is exhausting to have to think constantly about avoiding the triggers. But at least guilt might be an explanation for her over the top patriotism and negation of the facts. I don't know if that makes it easier or harder!

She’s probably homesick in some ways and misses the ease with which she navigated life in the country she grew up in. I’m a second generation immigrant and I love a lot of the culture etc but yeah I can definitely see the problems.

Theres a term for when minorities feel under attack (I can’t remember what it is sorry) but they basically double down when feeling under threat. As an American you probably remember the recent wave of anti-indian sentiment targeted at some ethnically Indian politicians so she’s probably feelings a bit sore about that too. Plus of course she’s worked up about the recent conflict, it’s still means a lot to her that her country suffered a terrorist attack and then on the brink of war. I would expect any recent immigrant to care about their home country in those circumstances.

First of all i absolutely hate it when people say - oh if it’s so great move there 🙄🤮childish stupid argument

I’ve been living in the uk for last 20 years, I don’t feel British I don’t feel my original nationality either. I feel the uk is my home, it’s not perfect but I love it.

Some people from my country make it their mission to constantly prove how $hit the uk is. I think they have a chip on their shoulder and insecurities so they pick on the things that the high and mighty United Kingdom is failing and in what ways our country is better like it was some sort of contest. Sometimes I get into an argument sometimes I just shut it down. It usually comes from the ones that didn’t open themselves to fully embrace British culture, have no British friends so have no idea, just live in their little closed minded bubbles.