My feed

to access all these features


Thank Heaven for Lynton Crosby

26 replies

claig · 24/11/2013 17:57

It appears that Cameron has finally begun to listen less to the coterie of out-of-touch Old Etonian advisers - the type that advised him to make a fool of himself by hugging a hoodie and snowboarding with a huskie - and has begun to listen to a man of the people - Lynton Crosby.

Hopefully all the "modernisers", tsars, kaisers and progessive advisers will now have to take a back seat.

There seems to have been a bit of a change in message, Apparently, according to the Daily Mail, Crosby addressed the Cabinet on Tuesday.^editors_choice

Within the same week we have heard that Cameron apparently said "cut the green crap" (to the absoluite delight of the public) and apparently joked about Clegg and used the term "lazy *ucker".

OK, it's not very progressive language, it's a bit blunt, but by God it's positively mild compared to the language that some segments of the public are beginning to use!

"Crosby doesn’t mince his words."
This is no time for courtesies. There is an election at stake.

"In a straight-talking presentation, he told them that if the Election was held now, the Tories would probably lose."
Very bad! Disastrous!

"But, no worries, he said – it isn’t for another 17 months, so there’s plenty of time to get battle-ready."
Thank heaven for that!

"Cameron himself has been trying to spread this message to Tory backbenchers. At a sandwich lunch at No?10 on Tuesday for a select group of Tory MPs, the PM cautioned that if the party got sucked into a bidding war on the cost of living, it would lose the Election."
Let's hope they don't get sucked into that then!

"The sandwich lunch was part of a charm offensive with his party, softening them up in good time for the European Parliament elections in May. One of the PM’s Cabinet supporters concedes that it is ‘a racing certainty we’ll get monstered by UKIP in the European elections’.

If that happens, it will be the first time the Tories have come third in a national election and will prompt panic among backbenchers. So No 10 is trying to put as much credit in the bank with MPs as possible, which is why they were also invited to No?10 for bacon rolls last Friday morning before the debate on the EU referendum bill."
Hmmm. To be honest, they deserve to be monstered on that issue.

I read something in the New Statesman where apparently they think that Labour will win the next election. They think the LibDem vote will collapse and many LibDems in marginals will vote Labour and of course UKIP will take votes from the Tories.

It's grim, but this week, the "cut the green crap" statement has spread some hope and may be a sign that Lynton Crosby may be able to deliver the green shoots of a Tory recovery that the public so desperately want.

OP posts:
ttosca · 24/11/2013 21:51


claig · 24/11/2013 22:36

Do you mean "hell"?

Some commentators think that the following scene may have taken place and that Miliband may have said "hell" when a troupe of young progressives, teenage scribblers and New Labour spin doctors tentatively knocked on his office door and asked if they might have a word with him.

From the worried look on their faces, Miliband sensed that something was wrong. "What's the matter?" he said.

"It's very bad news", the troupe piped up in chorus.

"What is it? More revelations about Flowers?"

"No, it's not Flowers"

"Thank God for that, I'm not sure the public can take any more revelations about Flowers"

"It's worse than Flowers," the troupe chimed.

"Worse than Flowers? Surely it can't get worse than that? Oh my dear God!"

"It's Cameron. He's called our bluff. He's gone and sided with the people. It must be the work of that Crosby."

"Oh no, no, no. This sounds bad. What has he said?"

"Take a seat and brace yourself before we tell you," the troupe chimed.

Ed fell back in to his chair and gripped the armrests like a drowning man clutches at a straw.

"Tell me, I'm ready, what did Cameron say?"

"Cut the green crap"

"Oh my God, we're sunk. There's no answer to that."

"Precisely!" exclaimed the troupe in unison.

"This must be the work of Crosby, there's nothing that genius can't sell. Some people think Balls is a nightmare, but ths is utter hell."

OP posts:
MissMiniTheMinx · 02/12/2013 20:35

Lynton Crosby man of the people doing his bit to bamboozle us, paid £500,000 a year. I wonder if he would jump ship for the right price? or if this is a true vocation and calling to serve the people?

claig · 02/12/2013 21:04

Lynton is a troubleshooter, he's a hired gun, he goes where he is needed. The Tories made a smart move and hired the best in the business.

My guess is he has told Cameron to "cut the green crap" and Cameron is apparently going around telling everyone else to "cut the green crap". But can Cameron hold his nerve or will he cave in as soon as the BBC do a polar bear special.

OP posts:
claig · 02/12/2013 21:12

The 'climate scientists' must be fuming at this turn of events and you can guarantee that they will have something up their sleeve - an icecap, a History of the Polar Bear, it could be anything.

If Cameron can maintain his course and avoid obstacles thrown in his path by New Labour, then it could be plain sailing, but if the 'climate scientists' have anything to do with it, we are in for stormy weather, deluges, torrential downpours and terrible tipping points.

Only a skilled crew can navigate us through this, but with Osborne as first mate I think we'll get throught it. It was him after all who turned the economy around.

OP posts:
claig · 03/12/2013 12:00

There have been some reports that this is what may have happened when Lynton first met the Cabinet.

They stood to attention as he walked into the Cabinet Office.
"Sit down, sit down," he said as a large glass of port was handed to him.

"Tell me about this Miliband," Lynton said, "is he green?"

"Erm, yes he is naive," someone said.

"Of course he is, he is New Labour, tell me something I don't know already," Lynton said with slight annoyance. "I mean does he have a stuffed polar on his desk or on his front bench?"

"Yes, he's got a few."

"Thought so. Ok, here's what you do. CUT THE GREEN CRAP!" Lynton roared.

There was stunned silence. None of them had ever thought of that. They thanked him profusely for his advice.

"No worries," he said, "that's why they pay me the big bucks".

OP posts:
ohtanmybum · 03/12/2013 17:03

Blimey, claig, these accounts of the goings on at the Red and Blue HQs are right gripping. I'm standing by for the next exciting installment. A glimpse of the machinations at Elite Towers, maybe? Can't wait.

claig · 03/12/2013 18:44

There are a lot more tales to tell, particularly about New Labour. That is a bottomless pit.

Elite Towers? Never thought of that one. Excellent Grin. Command and control centre of the elite, where plans are hatched, strings are pulled and the public is fooled.

OP posts:
ohtanmybum · 03/12/2013 23:22

[Fenvy]Oh, to be a fly on the wall at Elite Towers.

ohtanmybum · 03/12/2013 23:28

( Note to self - preview messages.)
Xmas EnvyOh to be a fly on the wall at Elite Towers.

ironman · 04/12/2013 11:19

Elite Towers now that's a good one!Grin Claig, ever thought about going into rapping…..It goes like this 'Where plans are hatched….strings are pulled and the public fooled!'
Have you seen the black rapper on youtube asking everyone to vote UKIP? Are you sure you didn't write his vocals?! Grin

claig · 04/12/2013 11:49

'ever thought about going into rapping'

No, but I'm starting to give it serious consideration because as far as I can tell, it seems to be money for old rope.

My first track would be "cut the green crap".
It would be number 1 without a doubt, because the people would lap it up and embrace the truth that has for so long been denied them by the media spin of the elite's puppets and popinjays. They need to be shown a way out of the mendacious media maze, let 'cut the green crap' start a new craze.

Yo! Da Elite's in a flap
Everybody saying 'cut the green crap'
'cept the poodles in da Elite's lap
All they can do is yip and yap

Wake from your nap
Don't be a sap
Join the people and rap
Everybody say 'cut the green crap'

OP posts:
claig · 04/12/2013 11:54

Alright it's only a first attempt. It obviously needs work.

OP posts:
ironman · 04/12/2013 12:23

Claig, you are certainly missing your true vocation!

claig · 04/12/2013 12:32

To be super rich?

Yes, I'm missing that by frigging miles!

OP posts:
MissMiniTheMinx · 04/12/2013 13:09
ohtanmybum · 04/12/2013 14:22

Yoclaig, Bey's old man must be feelin' Xmas Envy

claig · 05/12/2013 08:25

Verse 2 of the track 'cut the green crap' wherein is explained Cameron's own road to Damascus

Yo! Ya heard about my homie, Cameron
Everyone know dere was a time he done wrong
Da Elite told him to hug a husky
Flew him to da Arctic wiv ski
Dey snapped a lot of photo
Told him discuss climate in Kyoto

People took the mickey, thought he was being tricky
Dey said he sold his soul, dug himself a hole
But he looked at a poll, got himself a fright
Now he seen the light, started doing right
See him shouting 'cut the green crap' late into the night

So respek for my homie Cameron,
He back with da people like a prodigal son
Now he's on the run, escaped Da Elite's trap
Now you see him shouting we've got to 'cut the green crap'

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 09/12/2013 18:18

I thank heaven for Lynton Crosby, but possibly not for the same reason as you, claig.

I think he's a charlatan and if I were a member of the Conservative Party I would weep.

Thankfully, that's not where my allegiances lie so I can just enjoy him blundering for an enormous wage.

I would never have the arrogance to presume to understand the social and political nuances of a foreign country even if I'd lived there for years, and he hasn't.

Maybe that's an Australian trait or maybe it's just peculiar to him and that other Australian conman, Peter Foster, who Cherie Blair was in thrall to. At least Foster wasn't allowed to formulate policy.

BTW you show great promise as a rapper Grin.

claig · 13/12/2013 18:20

It looks like Labour have hired an Australian adviser as well. I think that the legendary Lynton has probably got them worried and that the 'cut the green crap' message has severely shaken them to the core.

He is called Bruce Hawker.

There have been some reports that this is what may have happened when Bruce first met top Labour strategists.

The room was full of teenage scribblers, young progressives, sixth-form students, trainee think-tank team members, sustainability supervisors,
charity change agents, progressive PPEs from Oxford parachuted into Labour safe seats to displace good working class candidates, members of the metropolitan elite, climate change coordinators, green crap czars, Uncle Tom Cobley and his dog. This was the real deal, this was the creme de menthe of champagne socialism.

Bruce walked in and stood in front of the audience in front of a large banner saying "For a Progressive Future and a Biometric Britain".

There was hushed silence, pens were poised, teenage scribblers were already scribbling.

"Good morning everyone," said Bruce, "I watched Osborne's Autumn Statement on TV the other day, and I have just one word to say to you all. Balls!"

Some of the audience gasped and held their hands over their mouths, shocked at the use of such coarse language. They had heard that Bruce was a plain speaker, but they never imagined it would be like this.

"Ed Balls!" he continued. "What the hell was his performance all about and why was he redder than Rudolph the reindeer's nose? Flat-lining? If only it
was flat-lining. Instead he was going down faster than a lead balloon, and it was lucky he was drowned out by the barracking from the Tory benches because what little I did hear him say, made no sense."

Uncle Tom Cobley's dog nodded and the teenage scribblers followed his example while jotting down and underlining the words "made no sense".

"This is serious, there is an election coming," said Bruce, "time is short, so CUT THE CRAP!"

There was stunned silence, then furious nodding. They had heard this phrase before. In fact, they had heard little else at the door step in Labour heartlands over the past three years.

"Has anyone got any questions?" asked Bruce.

A climate change coordinator put his hand up and said "How can we react to Cameron's alleged call to 'cut the green crap'?"

"Very good question," said Bruce, "we can't. Cameron is absolutely right. All we can do is pursue a policy of damage limitation and denial that we had anything to do with the green crap."

"But, Bruce, how can we do that, when Ed himself was practically responsible for writing the Climate Change Act single-handedly?" asked a sustainability supervisor.

"Oh my God! He didn't did he? What did he do that for?" said Bruce.

There were blank expressions around the room. No one had the faintest idea why. They all knew the public were against it, but more importantly senior progressives were aware that the elite were all for it.

"Oh my God! We're sunk!" wailed Bruce.

"Precisely!" said the audience in unison, and Uncle Tom Cobley's dog barked "woof" in agreement.

OP posts:
ohtanmybum · 14/12/2013 12:02

Whizzo claig ! From your analysis of the Labour cohort it sounds like they have a group of good eggs there, from the young, bright enthusiastic go getters to the solid common sense of Tom Cobbley and his sage canine pal. Spurred on by the Artful Aussie they may well make a better fist of it than you colourful and entertaining tableau suggests. Anyway, we'll see. I'm off to do my bit, cutting back the green crap in my back garden on this rather unseasonally warm December day.

'Creme de menthe of champagne socialism'Xmas Grin

claig · 14/12/2013 13:33

You are right. Labour are down, but not out. It is Uncle Tom Cobley's dog who has led to a revival in spirits of Labour activists. They sing his praises and the word is that he is the dog's bolleaux whose paw prints are all over policy.

OP posts:
ohtanmybum · 14/12/2013 15:32

Ah, that would be the 'ruff' policy draft, no doubt.

claig · 14/12/2013 15:59

Grin Excellent

OP posts:
ohtanmybum · 14/12/2013 16:23

Ta! Xmas Wink Have a good evening.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.