In the depths of the recession, I put forward my brilliant ideas to put this nation on the road to recovery, and hope to hear how the ideas are recieved by the mumsnet demographic:
1: Marzipan
The food outlet Aldi sells a particularly tasty marzipan/praline 100g chocolate bar. Unforunately, I frequently find myself wanting the bar, without having any particular desire to drive to or shop at Aldi. Therefore, it will be mandatory for all food outlets to stock this product. To ensure the producers of the bar dont go out of business, all citizens will be required to eat one bar a day. This will stimulate economic activity and weed out defective nut allergic genes from the gene pool.
2: Rebuild Hadrian's Wall
And this time make it genuinely difficult to pass. It is long passed time we reclaimed this part of our national heritage and unburdened ourselves of those damn picts. The end to the scottish subsidy will aid in reducing our deficit, and this substantial construction project will create jobs and demand within the economy.
3: Military
Withdraw our forces from afghanistan and redeploy them to secure the North Sea oil fields, which those irksome thieving scotts will doubtless claim are their own.
4: The National Database of Female Beauty
The NDFB will be modelled after various internet voting sites, such as "Hot or Not" where users are randomly given uploaded images to rate the attractiveness of. We will then be able to rank all females in the country based on their attractiveness. Movement up the rankings will have significant financial rewards, and movement down the rankings will incur an increase in taxation. This will give women a sense of aspiration and a goal to aim for, by endeavoring to maximise their ranking on the database. It will also improve female self esteem, by giving them a quantifiable measure of their self worth.
Additionally, it will stimulate economic activity, by bolstering demand for fitness equipment and facilities, beauty products, and weight loss products.
Women will be required to submit recent photos of themselves on a monthly basis, and men will be required to cast 10 votes a day, to keep the database reliable. Given the vital importance of gathering this information (as will be discussed below), failure to meet obligations or attempts to photoshop images will be a capital offense.
5: Immigration
Halt all immigration except for females who rank within the top 15% of a special subsection of the NDFB dedicated to foreign citizens applying for residence in this country. This will both bolster male morale, as well as reducing immigration by 92.5%.
Conversely, women on the main section of the NDBF who are within the top 25% will not be allowed to emmigrate.
To prevent abuse of the system whereby immigrants get into shape to be granted residence rights, and then let themselves go, all women granted entry will remain on this subsection of the NDFB, and falling out of the top 25% will be a capital offense.
6: Education
A serious concern is the decline in educational standards, and the poor performance of boys in particular. To reverse this, and promote excellence rather than equality through universal mediocrity, boys shall be rigorously streamed by academic ability, with the establishment of a tripartite school system. Girls, on the other hand, will be streamed according to ranking on the NDFB, so as to give boys a clear incentive to do well at school. University places will be allocated on the same basis.
In anticipation of concerns about encouraging pedophilia, only pupils of secondary school age will participate in the NDFB, and even then the girls will only be rated by boys whose age is within 2 years of their own, untill they hit 16. We do want the NDFB to be a morally sound and decent institution afterall.
7: Stupid People
Lets not beat about the bush: stupid people commit too much crime, claim too many benefits, and are largely responsible for the demand for programs like the X-Factor.
To address this social ill, there shall be a national IQ test, and anyone scoring below 100 will be deported north of the newly rebuilt Hadrian's Wall. Women in the top 25% in NDFB rankings will be exempt.
In addition to lowering our benefits bill and crime rates and improving our televisual viewing, by removing roughly half of the population, this will solve the housing shortage and create many job vacancies, solving unemployment.
8: The Environment
To combat the threat of global warming, legislation will be passed requring all buildings and veichles to have air conditioning units and for these to be in operations at all times.
To avoid despoiling the pristine English countryside, all household and industrial waste will be deposited north of Hadrian's Wall.
To reduce carbon emissions, all members and supporters of the green party (and probably the Lib Dems too, certainly Chris Hune) will be killed, thus removing their consumption of resources and production of carbon from the equation. As they bang on about it all the bloody time, its time they were made to put their money where their mouth and take their misanthropic ideology to its logical conclusion. Women within the top 25% on the NDFB will be spared. Call me a pessimist, but I dont think this will save Caroline Lucas.
9: Social Cohesion
Diversity time and again proves to be a source of division. As such, there will be radical program of homogenisation. Given they are 90% of the population, whites will be group on which all other groups will be required to converge. Present and future brown people of all kinds will be required to straighten thier hair and use skin lightening products, like Jacko. Further, most will be randomly assigned a certain colour of hair dye (like blonde) and a certain colour of contact lense also (like green) to further aid integration, by making people increasingly indistinguishable.
Additionally, people with ethnic sounding accents will be required to have elocution lessons and all foreign customs and practices will be banned. For those who are subsequently short of things to do, the government will fund morris dancing facilities and instructors.
Finally, none english names will be banned, so black parents will no longer be able to simply make up their child's name, like Shaniqua or DeMarcus, and asain boys will have to be called something other than Mohammed.
The current crop of brown people will be given a 6 month grace period before they have to conform to above requirements.
10: International Relations
There is a small chance that some of the above policies may cause other nations to complain about complete none issues like human rights and crimes against humanity. In order that they take no action on account of this, we will threaten them with our nuclear arsenal. To show that we mean business, we will give a few demonstrations on locations in Wales with stupid names that no English person can pronounce.
Extortion using this same method may also greatly assist with deficit reduction.