Not getting a feeling of religious/spiritual fulfilment

[Lulabell]

Hi,

Sorry that this is a very long post. I'm hoping someone may have experienced something like this and have some advice.

After Easter I noticed that I was going to mass (RC) less and less often. I've never particularly enjoyed mass at our local church, but now I know find the thought of it unbearable as I just feel so miserable and unfulfilled by it; I no longer have any motivation to go. I've only been to church a couple of times since our wedding in August, and one of those was the obligatory Christmas visit.

This is not how I wanted to live my life. My husband and I had a religious wedding because we both believe and we wanted our faith to be an important part of our relationship. Instead, neither one of us has been to church for months, and I feel like a hypocrite and extremely guilty.

My dh is french, and he doesn't like the english RC services, so he hasn't exactly encouraged me to find the motivation to go to our church as he doesn't want to go. Before we were together he used to go to C of E or other Protestant churches, basically wherever he felt welcome and felt like he could worship successfully.

I used to be very anti this as, having chosen (as an adult) an orthodox-based faith myself, I was sure I would find the doctrines incompatible, but now I'm not so sure. I'm beginning to think that maybe they have more in common with the orthodox beliefs than the RC church does. And now I have no idea what to do.

I dont really know where to turn for inspiration.

I know plenty of people have converted from RC or orthodoxy to CofE or Protestantism, and vice versa; does anyone have any idea about doctrinal differences and compatibility? Or indeed where on earth is a good place to start when you feel like this?

I have no idea what to do, I just know I'm unhappy.

I think the answer lies in:- "he used to go to C of E or other Protestant churches, basically wherever he felt welcome and felt like he could worship successfully".

Worshipping successfully I think is a basic human need that some people answer to and others do not. From what you have written you are one of the people that does need to 'worship successfully' to be happy. Go and find it, preferably with your husband.
Start with the church nearest your home and carry on visiting until you find that church where you 'feel welcome and can worship successfully'

DutchOma thank you for replying. Is it acceptable to go "church shopping", as it were? I'm worried that people will be annoyed if we turn up, stay for a few weeks and then move on if it isn't working for us.

Also, I really want to find a church with a good community ethos, something that our church lacks; in your experience, is that something that will be apparent, even to visitors? Or will we have to ask around?

Thanks again

From my experience nobody is going to annoyed at you for whatever. Even if they are, so what?
People should not feel that they are more important than God, worshipping God is important for you and you must 'seek until you find'

I've have spoken to dh and we're going to go to a different church next week to see if we're happier there. Thanks very much for your help!

Best of luck, I'll be interested to know how you get on.

Thank you. I'll update

Personally I never get enjoyment when I think about the death of Jesus Christ, I feel awed, sad, grateful.

There are evangelical churches by the bucket load that are more like rock concerts if its a buzz you are after.

Its a about what you bring to God, he has already given enough.

Anyway I am all for people leaving churches.

I quite agree questioneverything: Jesus did not die on the cross for our enjoyment. That is not to say that we should not feel incredible joy at what He has done for us.
Getting together with other people to worship can be a great human need and the OP was looking for ways in which that need could be satisfied.

I converted from RC to C of E. The C of E is a broad church with a wide range of beliefs. Parts of the C of E will have beliefs very similar to the RCC. Our church calls itself "modern Catholic" for instance, and I fit in comfortably with the beliefs. Other churches will be more low church or evangelical.

You could look at this website www.achurchnearyou.com to see if there is a description of the C of E churches near you, to see if there is one that would suit you both.

Nothing wrong with trying out churches. Last week we had a couple openly admit that they were doing this (wasn't you was it? ), and we were able to tell them a bit more about our church and how we function. Incidently they'd looked US up on the above website!

I'm not actually RC, I belong to an orthodox church in communion with Rome, which is why I got to RC over here. We celebrate the resurrection of Christ whenever we worship, and it is very much about thanksgiving and giving back.

I'm really not looking for a buzz or enjoyment (and I have a real sense of dread when I think about rock concert style events), I'm just looking for somewhere where people are uplifted and strengthened by the knowledge of the sacrifice and love of Christ and his resurrection, and not seemingly weighed down by the formality and guilt of it all.

I've had a look at that website thanks Hallelujah, I haven't been trying them out yet, so it wasn't me you saw

Thanks again DutchOma

I don't enjoy Mass that often too. However, it is my duty to go and to do so irrespective sometimes of my own personal feelings. I often think that those difficult spiritual times are part of the seasons and during those times we may be in some way closer to G-d.

I also think that people should (generally) stay in the religion they are as they are part of that faith community for a reason unless G-d tells them otherwise. (I would be a terrible evangelist or missionary!!! Watch out Billy Graham!)

You say that you are Orthodox and I note that there are a growing number of Orthodox churches in this country. Are you sure there isn't one within reasonable distance from where you are? If not, why not just go to a different RC parish - there are great differences between parishes and often between Masses (Saturday night always used to be the youth Mass, Sunday mornings often for families doing first communion, Sunday night for the those entering the last chance saloon etc)

Also, I take it your children must be RC - how would converting to a different Church affect their faith?

We do have freedom of religion and you can choose to join another church. I, too, have visited many different places of religion and learned a lot from people of different faiths. However, I don't have any desire or longing to join another church.....

Sorry if I didn't say what you perhaps wanted to hear, or give you the right pointers. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

As an Anglican, I could feel very offended that you referred to my faith as unorthodox.

Most protestant denominations are extremely orthodox - more so than RC. That's why there was a Reformation!

You felt welcome at these churches - there is your answer. Christianity is all about relationships.

MmeBlueberry, are you confusing orthodox with Orthodox? Am not sure where you saw her call Anglicans unorthodox???

I think Lula if you converted to an Orthodox church as an adult, you were drawn to or chose what was right for you. Are you really sure there is no Orthodox church within reasonable travelling distance of where you now live.

I don't know which church you belong to officially but if say Greek Orthodox, perhaps you could contact a church or google for a site for the Greek Orthodox Church in the UK and ask where there is a church near you.

I agree with Dutch that it doesn't matter really what people think of you coming and going. You find what is right for you. Is your dh Catholic then I presume? If he does not like the English rite, would he worship at a tridentine (Latin) mass service? Have you tried that?

A lot depends on the priest (how conservative etc) and the driving forces in the parish. Maybe a different Catholic church a bit further away might suit you? I know when we were in Berlin, we were worshipping with the Africans (plenty of joy there) and the Philippinos quite a lot. Those Philippinos let it rip I can tell you.

Just thinking too, the service is often a deeply intense personal thing between you and God (Catholic) as opposed to say Baptist where it is more like a community thing (to me). So maybe you need to be involved outside the service with the parish life to feel at home there more, whatever church you wind up with in the end. I mean, is there a Bible group, is there some kind of lay spiritual organisation attached to your parish, a soup kitchen or can you get involved in the service (greeter, reader etc)?

Hi,

Thanks everyone!

MmeBlueberry I didn't say Anglicans were unorthodox, I think the problem is mu lack of capital O, I was Chrismated in an Orthodox religion. In fact, I actually said that I'm beginning to think that C of E and Protestant have more in common with Othodox practices than RC do. Sorry to have inadvertently offended you.

ShoshanaBlue we dont have children yet, but it had always been my intention, and supported by dh, to have my children Chrismated in my Orthodox faith. But given my difficulty in finding a church to worship at, I am beginning to think that this would not be a good idea. That's another reason why I am looking into this now. The only branch of my church in England is in Oxford, and I live in SE London, so it's not really commutable. I dont intend to convert, but I belong to a very small church which is aware that it is not represented in many places, and as we have to go to mass we have to find other churches to do that in.

ZZZ dh is Catholic, and I have suggested going to the French Catholic church in London, but he always says it's too far to go. He doesn't believe you have to go to church to worship, so it can be a difficult situation, which is partly the reason I havent been for so long. The Orthodox church I'm part of is very community worship in style, everyone crowds to the front to hear the gospel, the liturgy is sung and everyone goes for it, lots of community activities, meals after liturgy, huge festivals etc.

I taught Catechism at my church here last year, and aside from that fact that everyone basically just complained about the priest and gossiped about other parishoners, the only reason I'm not doing it this year is health issues. My dh and I both asked about the SVP society at our church and were never got back to, and I offered to be a reader several times but was told they had enough. They dont do community very well

The difficulty with other Orthodox churches is that I have to ask permission from their Bishops to take Communion there, and because my church has an unusual status (Orthodox but in communion with Rome) they have refused in the past

I think maybe I also need to see if I can find a Roman church where they have sung liturgy, as that would make me feel more at home, but there are surprisingly few RC churches near us, only one in walking distance, as opposed to 5 C of E off the top of my head, maybe more, so I guess I need to look at driving distances and maybe the centre of London.

Thanks again Hallelujah

Have you ever been to one of the churches your dh said he liked to worship at? Personally I believe myself to be a Christian universalist and I do think you can worship God successfully with all genuinely Christian churches (I don't mean weirdo sects a la lunatic fringe type of thing) but even then, I might give them the benefit of the doubt and try it.

I am rooted in my Catholicism though.

ZZZ you sound very similar to my dh in that. He prefers Protestant churches here, but says he'll never be anything but a Catholic.

I havent tried one of his old ones, but they're quite a way from where we live. He's very keen to find a local one, he happily admits he's a lazy type and likes to be able to walk to church, so I think we'll visit some near here first, and if not, then I might try to persuade him it's better to travel a bit and be happy.

Thanks again for replying

I think the problem for us as a couple is that while we're both religious, dh doesnt see the need in going to church regularly (although I would have said he's the more religious of the two of us) and will go to any church; whereas I want to go to church every week and also belong to a very specific religious group. We're trying to find somewhere where we both meet and thought it would be RC as that's the most obvious, but in fact it's not working out for us, and so he'd rather not go at all, and I'm unhappy there as it's not my idea of worship.

I understand that people think it's not about being happy and that you shouldn't change, but for us it's really important that we find something we can both work with and can do together.

wonder what is so different about the French Catholic churches then. Just curious...

I'm quite open to protestant churches, however I found that you do have to be careful to note whether the policy in a particular church involves a respectful attitude to other churches (in particular more established ones in the case of American or generally newer church set-ups). There can be a sort of one upmanship (v-a-v all other churches who are in their eyes not true "Bible believing Christians" or the belief that people have not been "born again" and thus are not "saved" because they are not protestants, no other denomination has a living faith, really reads the Bible, knows Christ etc , etc).

Church of England should be fine on those counts

It's not a matter of being 'happy' but of being holy. To be able to be holy you need to worship God. You need to find a place where you can do that.
Don't settle for anything less than finding God in your worship, in or out of church.

keep exploring together lula, when and if you have dc, it might be best to have a family church? Wouldn't get stressed about it though

"The difficulty with other Orthodox churches is that I have to ask permission from their Bishops to take Communion there, and because my church has an unusual status (Orthodox but in communion with Rome) they have refused in the past "

No idea really about Orthodox churches and all this but I wondered if you had considered changing membership to a different Orthodox church if the Orthodox way of doing things is right for you and you want to be able to be communicant?

It may be worth posting a request for help on Ship of Fools (probably on the All Saints board), there are a lot of knowledgeable people on there, covering all brands of Christianity, many of whom are in London and are in a position to advise you.

I'm a regular poster on there myself

ZZZ I'm honestly not sure about French Catholic churches, our wedding was in one and I couldn't see much difference, except that they're a lot more Marian, but I think that's the south of France in particular.

Also, I'm not sure about changing to another Orthodox church as I'm worried dh and I would end up further apart in terms of worship.

I might suggest that we include some Orthodox churches, as dh has enjoyed his few trips to mine. Also, the technical definition of my church is Eastern Catholic, but they've pulled more towards their old Orthodox routes and less towards the Catholic part, so I find Orthodox is the best way to describe it. Anyway, I might see if I can hunt out the, even rarer, Eastern Catholic churches. The problem there is that they're small and schismatic (if that's a word), so my experience has been that bigger religious groups feel less threatened and are therefore more welcoming. But right now I'm prepared to try anywhere.

Oh, and with all these churches (Orthodox and Eastern) there's a bit of a language issue, ie they tend to stick to their originating language. Some careful research is needed I think.

I might visit that board you suggest Hallelujah, I'll have a peek this evening.

DutchOma thank you for your posts, their calm reason convinces me I'm doing the right thing

Thank you Lula.