Catholics - staying in unhappy marriage, or splitting up?

[sadandisolated]

Just wondered if anyone had ever had the courage to end an unhappy marriage?

Putting aside the issue I already have with the DC's - I know that if we split I won't be able to have another relationship again if I want to continue to practice as a Catholic.

Has anyone had the courage to do this? How do you feel about it? How do you manage knowing that you will be alone forever if you want to continue with your religion?

I do not love my H - am only in the marriage for the sake of my DC's and my commitment to my faith.

To rather belatedly answer your question about whether divorced RC friends of my parents are in relationships - YES - some are, some aren't, just like lots of people.

Please don't think that you'll never be in a relationship again - you may well be - there's no knowing what the future holds. (I thought I couldn't have kids - I now have one and it was nothing short of a miracle.)

As it is you're really not in much of a relationship now. - sorry that sounds v harsh.

most Catholics I know still consider themselves Catholic but to be honest pick and choose what rules they follow, they don't let it rule their lives and I don't have a problem with this view. It depends on what your conscience will allow you to do and live with I guess. Curious though as there seems to be a lot of seriously practising Catholics on this thread, do you use contraception etc or truly follow all the ideology and rules?

Curious though as there seems to be a lot of seriously practising Catholics on this thread, do you use contraception etc or truly follow all the ideology and rules?

As far as I can I follow all the rules - obviously we're only human and we fall by the wayside from time to time.

We use natural family planning, we didn't sleep together before we were married, we attend church every Sunday/holy day of obligation/major feast. (And, no, we're not in our fifties and throwbacks to an earlier generation but in our mid-thirties.)

I would never condemn anyone who doesn't follow all the rules of the church - I don't know their circumstances, so how could I judge? One of the things that I like about being a Catholic is the emphasis placed on the individual's responsibility to follow the rules - if you don't, then you have to reconcile your own conscience as the Church is very clear about where it stands on most big issues.

thanks jcscot, are you from the UK. I was born Catholic and raised a very relaxed Catholic with my parents really leaving it to our Catholic schools to give us any kind of religious education. I'm non religious now and don't blieve in God though not anti-religion if that makes sense!

Yes, I'm from the UK but may I ask what relevance that has?

I just think that the way the Church is wiewed and the extent the rules are adhered to can depend on which country you live in. Generally, I've found many Catholics in the UK to be quite relaxed about their religion. Remember reading that priests in Africa were expected to have wives or there was no way some of the areas they were trying to reach would ever take them seriously.

I think some rules can be taken more seriously than others. I think that the Church recognises this, that some sins are more serious than others. Do I do an Abstinence thing every Friday? Er no, not any Friday. Church Fast days??? Who decided the other year that Good Friday should coincide with Purim?!??!?

However, sexual acts outside of marriage have always been considered serious sin and I think if you subscribe to the faith, you should subscribe also to that view.

It's not a judgment call or anything. I didn't get into the state of single mother by following the rules of the Catholic church....but I certainly wouldn't receive Communion in a state of serious sin. As Catholics, we are not allowed to judge others and priests and eucharistic ministers are meant to offer the sacraments to all.

I also attend holy days of obligation though most of them have been scrapped now!

Anyway, to the OP, I do know of a few families where the mother has remarried (civilly) or married a divorcee and managed to raise devout children. But it has been at a cost and with some great sadness of being excluded from the sacraments - sometimes for decades. It's never been permanent though - the day after my friend's dad died, her mother went to Confession and was able to receive the sacraments for the first time in her living memory. I know someone who divorced a violent alcoholic and remarried (the first husband died not that long after) so her wait wasn't for so long.

For me personally, I would say that a happy family life is more important and would worry about the other things later.

The RC Church has never worried too much about following its own rules; don't beat yourself up over it.

This might be useful, these Tribunals exist in every diocese.
www.dioceseofshrewsbury.org/page.asp?categoryid=84

God can and does transform marriages.

I am not Catholic but am a Christian. From personal experience I would recommend The Alpha Marriage Course (relationshipcentral.org/)

• can go on it or watch it for free on the God Channel.

There is also a great book mentioned on the course about the 5 love languages (we found it was really crucial to know this stuff):

www.5lovelanguages.com/

Hope this helps...

BTW - we were married 14 years when we did The Alpha Marriage Course - it was great!!

How long have you felt that you don't love your husband? Do you actively dislike him/argue a lot or do you quite like him but just not feel the loving emotions any more?

If it's the second one then I would definitely say it's worth sticking at it. In my experience the feelings come and go over time. My husband often gets depressed in winter with Seasonal Affected Disorder. I don't always feel like I love him, but I just have to hang in there til the summer.

a really good book on the subject of Christian marriage is called "Til Death do us part" by J.John. REally useful if you're looking for a Christian perspective rather than a worldly one.

Divorced Catholic here. I am as welcome in my parish church as I ever was before the divorce. I'm not currently in a relationship, but will keep my options open if and when annulment petitions are filed either by me or by my ex. Have you looked into the annulment process? Annulment is a pronouncement that conditions for a valid Catholic marriage didn't exist at the time of the vows or that one or both spouses behaved in a way that doomed the marriage afterwards. There are many grounds for annulment. A divorce doesn't necessarily mean you can no longer receive communion -- as has been pointed out, it's your living arrangements that dictate what you may or may not do in terms of communion.

Have you looked into Marriage Encounter or Retrouvaille? You don't have to settle for your current unhappiness, whether you opt for divorce or working permanently and consciously on the relationship. xxxx

PS. I felt very strongly that trying to continue in what would actually have been a sham marriage for me and my ex was actually making a mockery of marriage as a a sacrament and teaching the children that cynicism was ok. Abuse was a factor in my relationship and that was another thing that I didn't want my children thinking of as a necessary part of a marriage.

I'd like to second what Jax said -- go to your priest and pour it all out. You might be surprised at the kindness you encounter. I certainly was.