I have led such a sinful life, I've really messed up, I can't seem to accept God has forgiven me

[cuppa]

I keep thinking back over my life. I have sinned so much. As a young child I used to shop lift, I stole from my mum, I had sex at 16, I have slept (for all the wrong reasons, too scared to say no) with so many people, i have done so many ba things, I have taken drugs, I have been practically an alocoholic, the list just goes on. I am negative, often bith and moan, think unkindly of other people, am impatient and bad tempered with my cchildren, fail to show them a good example. I so want to change my life, but it feels too late, I have done so much wrong.

I have wondered far from the church, yet a lot of the sins I detail above I actually did go to church, yet still did so many bad things.

I regret so much my life and how I've lived it, stumbling from one really bad sin to another.

I want to be close to God so much, but have always felt outside, I have never felt close to HIm, or felt the love and joy that other people clearly do.

I have done so much wrong, even when I'm told Jesus came to save us, and he forgives sns, I just think, yes, but look at all the things I've done. look how weak and faithless I am. I lack discipline and even when I say I will plray every day, or read the bible or whatever, I start off and after so many days, weeks months I drift again.

Then I think lack of hope, dispair and lack of faith are also wrong.

I feel sure to go to hell, I have done too much wrong. I have failed myself and God so badly. I don't have a relationship with him.

Agree with everything all the other posters have said.

I think you are feeling sorry for yourself, and after some attention.

I'm not being horrid..everyone needs attention every now and again...but come on...you are sounding full of self pity, from the opening paragragh. Fair enough, but I hope you have taken heart by the lovely answers you have recieved .

To me, it sounded like an honest and hearfelt post, and I am glad to have read the lovely answers received.

God loves us. Even if we foul up. Great, eh?

Have you considered going to an Alpha Course - run freely by churches of many denominations? To meet with others "seeking" or wanting to be with God, run by people that care, to give you time and people who could listen with you?

I have not been myself (am a christian) but heard good things about them.

Like others said - realising you have done things wrong, is a step to putting your relationship right with God - if that is what you desire ... but it doesn't matter what you have done wrong, the Bible says Jesus died on the cross for our (that is you as well) sins, it is an act of grace - yes, something we don't deserve - but freely given to receive.

And in the future we will all do wrong, but it is the attitude we have that is different - " a new creation in Christ"

Hope you find the answer you are seeking

Yes, would recommend "What's So Amazing About Grace" like someone else.

Its hard to accept that you can be forgive - the thing is, you are. What you are struggling with is forgiving yourself, I think.

cuppa it sounds like you may have a similar view of god to that which I previously did which was basically given to me by my traditional CofE parents.

I had a childish view of god as a bearded man on a cloud (and thought I had to be kneeling to pray) and this human image was unhelpful.

God is not outside of us, god is within us. We all have a "godself". God is love and acceptance. If you can experience this yourself (meditation was helpful for me) you would know that you are forgiven. You are perfect in god's opinion.

My experience of god does not fit with a traditional church view. I do not think that god punishes or wants/needs worshipping (gratitude is positive tho) and I do not feel close to god when I am chanting words along with others follwing a traditional "service". I find singing in church very spiritually uplifting, however.

Have you read the book "conversations with god"? there is also a DVD

Many people have posted some really good responses on here.

My gut feeling is that in order for you to be open to God's gift of grace you need to be ready to receive it.

I would think seriously about counselling/therapy to help you come to terms with your past. Then I would look at ways of strengthening and growing your relationship with God. Remembering that however lost you are feeling God is always there and although you may not be able to feel Him at this present point He is with you ALWAYS.

"Will you love the "you" you hide if I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?" by John Bell

Sounds like a perfectly normal life to me; why waste what's left of it feeling guilty?

OP, you've had some great responses on here. I hope they've been of some help. I don't have much to say that's not repeating what has already been said, but wanted to add my support. Heracles is right to say that it sounds like a perfectly normal life; we all foul up, and guilt is involved because you know you're falling short (as we all do) of the glory of God. But you know the spiel - grace, the amazing grace that means we need have no guilt, no fear, fully reconciled. As a pp said, don't think that you're on the outside and we're all on the inside having a right cosy old time; most of us struggle and have 'outside' and 'inside' times. I find Psalm 42 really helpful for times I'm feeling on the outside, it kind of expresses in words much better than I could use that soul longing to be back in his presence, to find that incredibly deep satisfaction again. I hope you find it soon. Keep pressing in - it just seems there are times like this for everyone - was it St Teresa of Avila that described it as a 'dark night of the soul'.
No easy answers, but God hasn't left you, and has forgiven you, fully. You can let all the crap of the past go. I'm just thinking of that bit of psalms that says 'the Lord is delighted in you' - that's for you.

HullyGully, I'm sorry you have found such joylessness in church. I know too well many churches can be like that, but not all, I promise you. For me wine, dancing etc,are a rich part of life that meld very nicely with knowing God. I find a good boogie pretty enriching myself, and love it that that can be an expression of worship. I agree that the Church can be joyless, sadly, but thankfully there are many that are much more fun now. And in the end I always like to point away from the church which is a flawed human system and towards Jesus.

I've screwed up in my life too. We all have to some degree or another - anyone who says they haven't is lying.

I recently got baptised at church and was really honest about stuff I'd got up to in the past (I didn't go into detail but was pretty honest). People came up to me afterwards and said they had been blessed by my testimony because they too had messed things up in their past.

We all screw up - no one is perfect. As a Christian I still don't always get it right purely and simply because I am human.

But God forgives us, time after time if we turn to him. You are a humble person I can see that from your post - that is the best place to start.

I now sometimes counsel people at church -sometimes it is the people who have gone through these things themselves that are the most empathetic towards others going through similar experiences.

It doesn't sound too bad to me! just human.
I'm not an active christian, but I do believe in a higher power, and the power of forgiveness ( and that includes self forgiveness).

Just recently I read the Lord's prayer and I heard it with new ears.

Our Father who art in heaven
hallowed be Thy name
Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done
on earth
as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses so that we might forgive those who trespass against us,
lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil,
for Thine is the Power, the Kingdom and the Glory for ever and ever. AMEN

This is the one and most important prayer that we're taught to say regularly. I think there's probably a good reaon for that

Cuppa - God LOVES YOU and he cries for you and your broken heart. He is more concerned about your self-loathing and sense of rejection that your petty sins. You don't see them as petty, but He does.

At Calvary, Jesus was crucified between two criminals. Yes, criminals who had committed major crimes (crucifixion was pretty extreme, even in those days). One of them turned to Jesus on the cross and said "Jesus, remember me when you enter your kingdom". Jesus replied: "Don't worry, I will. Today you will join me in paradise." (Luke 23:42)

If that criminal was forgiven and was assured a place in Heaven at the last minute, surely you are? You obviously love the Lord. Just hold onto that sister. You are loved by God and He sees and hears you. Hold on, you are the daughter of a King.