To all Catholics...please help!

[cardiganlover]

Hi everyone,

Apologies in advance for the length of this post, I have a lot to get off my chest. I don't want to approach my priest yet as I don't want to offend....I want to be frank and get some good advice from you guys first.

I was christened catholic and then was never taken to church as my father was opposed to it. I don't believe, although I would very much like to (I know that sounds strange) and I put this down to having had no religious instruction as a child.

I recently had my first child and since then I have given a lot of thought to how I would like to raise my daughter. I would very much like religion to part of her life and catholicism seems the obvious choice.

I need to ask you guys about some practicalities. I think I should be able to have her baptised as I am technically catholic and my husband is actually quite supportive...tell me if I;m wrong here! What I'm concerned about is her spiritual development afterwards. I intend to attend church with my daughter, but I am very concerned that I will not be able to shake my ingrained lack of belief

What I do have though is a supportive family, especially my grandmother. I would like her to be godmother to my daughter. Would the church accept it if we were to christen our daughter and then for her to attend church with her great grandma? My mum has also said she would help out (although her track record isn't great, my dad has since mellowed).

As I said before, I don't want to offend anyone...I'm not sure if it's a great idea to approach the church saying I don't believe but I want my daughter to have God in her life and be part of the church! As I said I want to try...

Two last things....will my husband have to attend the baptism? I was previously married, divorced and now remarried....will this affect anything?

Argh! Please help!

I think perhaps you need to find a sympathetic priest and explain your difficulties. If you wish to learn more about the faith then most are willing to provide information and if they have time, discuss it with you.

If you were previously married, if the ceremony was not within the church, I believe it won't be classed as "valid" in the eyes of teh church and as such the divorce question should not factor in.

Thanks for your swift response! I think I'll speak to my grandma and see what she thinks and then ask to speak to her priest.

This has opened the floodgates for a lot of feelings. I'm really quite upset and angry that I was raised with no religion in my life. I feel it is so important

There should be no problem in having your DD baptised, although, I think it's expected for the father to turn up!

The marriage and divorce thing shouldn't be a problem. I haven't had a Catholic wedding (I'm not Catholic; DH is, but was lapsed - long story), and all 3 of my DC's are baptised. There is no need to menition it, although they do ask on the form whre you were married.

Why don't you see yourself taking your DD to church? You might enjoy it.

And who are you worried about offending? The priest? I really wouldn't worry abut that. In my personal experience, they have been more than happy to baptise children into the Catholic church.

You could try exploring your beliefs - you say you are open to believing? Some Catholic churches run Alpha courses now, alternatively you could inquire about RCIA courses (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) for yourself. Your marriage/divorce/remarriage will depend on where your marriages took place. If in a registry office, or if the first one was, then they will not count as valid in the eyes of the church.

Thanks again

My marriages were non-religious, one abroad, one in a posh hotel

I do want to explore my spirituality and intend bringing my daughter to church myself with my grandmother...kind of learning together. What I'm worried about is that even after doing that, what if I can't believe?

So you don't belive in God at all?

If you really don't, I'm not sure starting to attend church will change that.

I think your post shows that you are a very caring person who is trying to do the best for her child. This is itself is a great start. It also shows that you DO believe but unfortunately weren't given the spiritual framework as you grew up to allow you to express or understand your beliefs.

Just to explain my position, I am Catholic who had a civil wedding to a divorced non Catholic. I returned to the Church after my children were born as like you, it really made me reevaluate my life and how I want my children to be brought up.

My older child now goes to the local Catholic school and also, there is a children's liturgy at the local Mass so all the Mums and children go into another room during part of the service and the children listen to a simple version of the gospel and do some worksheets which usually involve colouring, singing a hymn etc. Its lovely and very welcoming. If your local Church offers something similar you might really enjoy doing that with your child.

I am so glad I have introduced this as part of my children's lives as I believe it has enriched us no end as a family. My husband comes to Church with us too and although initially sceptical, is getting a lot out of it including, in his words, a 'sense of peace'.

Rest assured that the Church will be understanding and supportive.

I wish you well in this and hope you come back to let us know how you get on.

Hi - I'm not Catholic but CofE so can't comment specifically on the RC side of things, but just wanted to make a couple of general points - the first being that you are absolutely entitled to explore your spirituality on whatever terms are right for you and from wherever on the faith 'spectrum' you happen to be. One of the most affirming doctrines of Christianity generally is that God/ Christ will come to meet us where we are, and not where we (or anyone else for that matter) think we ought to be.

Which leads me onto my next point, which is that if the first priest / church does not welcome you, your family and your situation with open arms, or if for whatever reason you do not feel 'comfortable' there then try another one. Even within the same denomination different churches suit different people and its really important that you feel welcome and safe to explore your doubts and any emerging faith you find. Shop around!

Finally, have you asked yourself 'why catholicism?' I am not for one second suggesting that you shouldn't attend a Catholic church, but there are other options. I appreciate that the Catholic faith has a very particular perspective (if that's the right way of putting it) and that it might 'speak' to you more than any other denomination, but I sincerley believe that it more important that you are comfortable with the church / congregation that you are a part of rather than the denomination per se.

I hope that makes sense! Best of luck.

I don't think lack of belief should hold you back -- plenty of religious Catholics blow hot and cold (even Mother Teresa struggled with lack of faith all her life) when it comes to belief. Sometimes you feel you believe, sometimes you just go through the motions, and sometimes you wonder if you're completely wasting your time. Faith is never static. It's not a question of ticking off a list and assessing your level of certainty about each item. I think what matters is your willingness to give it a try, your good intentions, your openness to the possibility that it could all be true, and in the case of having your DC baptised, your willingness to get to know what the church's philosophy is and to try to impart that to her. Nobody is going to be looking over your shoulder to check up on how well you succeed in this either. You promise to do your best and they bless you and your DC and send you on your way.

I think the Catholic Church would welcome you with open arms. There are courses for adults returning to the church or seeking sacraments they missed out on as children. There's generally an encouraging and welcoming atmosphere, no judgemental tut tutting about where you've been all these years. There's no odd-shaped hole where you are required to fit in no matter what shape you are -- you're on a journey, so are the priests. So is your grandmother .

HI CL - really interesting post.
Definitely shop around until you find a church and priest which you think will suit you and your family. As with all churches you can find liberal and conservative Catholic churches.
(I was brought up going to a v liberal Catholic church where breast feeding during the service seemed the norm!!!)

And as with any organisation you will find some priests who will be a bit stuffy and then you'll find some who are really fun and kindness itself. (Often the younger/ new priests are conservative and the older ones are more chilled out).

Finally - if you ever get the opportunity to go to Worth Abbey and attend one of their family retreats, do go -. You couldn't wish to find nicer people/monks. (I went as a single mother with an 18 month old and we had a great time)

Enjoy your journey.

PFS

PS: I mis read your chat name - I read it as "Cardinal lover"

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound so harsh in my last post. It's just that, for me, I sometimes feel closer to "God" at home or elsewhere, than I do in church. Just my personal view.

It's so lovely to hear that you want religion in the life of your child, but I can hear a great longing in your post for some of it for yourself. Why do you say you do not believe? I think you do and that you would be much happier explaining that you don't quite know what to believe, but would like to explore that.
As others have said, try and find somebody who will be welcoming, you grandmother's priest seems as good a place to start as anywhere.
Finally, you may be seeking God (for your child) but God is certainly on the outlook for you and will welcome you with very open arms.
Best of luck.

Thank you all so much for your support and extremely kind words. Honestly, I am genuinely touched by your responses.

To answer a couple of your points...I have always wanted to believe, but when you have been brought up without any kind of faith in your life, indeed told it was all rubbish, I think it's pretty hard to turn that around. Some people say that they don't bring their children up with God in their lives because they want them to make up their own minds. I don't believe that they can make an informed decision with no exposure at all. I think that raising my daughter with religion in her life is a positive thing and if I start my own spiritual journey along the way, all the better. As I said, I'd like to but I am worried that if I don't, would it still be ok for my daughter to attend church?

I think I will have a chat to my grandmother and then her priest.

Thanks again to everyone for taking the trouble to post.

Just to add that as a child, I attended church on my own from about the age of 7. My parents dropped me off and the Sunday school children always sat in a group together. My parents picked me up from sunday school.

Oddly they were and are religious but could not get on with this particular church. They still felt it important that I went to church.

However, I have to say that as I got older, I resented going and them not. Church became a chore and I stopped going at the first opportunity. I think it might be different if I had been going with a much loved great grandmother though.