Christening - ex is maybe thinking of getting it done

[yerblurt]

Daughter (7yrs old) let slip today that mummy is thinking of getting her christened and rattled off a couple of people who would be her godparents (some of mummy's friends of course).

I am a fully-involved dad (me and the ex separated in 2004, divorced in 2007, there is a shared residence order in place for daughter and she lives her for 40% of the year, but over the weeks it's 4/14 overnights. Me and my partner have a 2yr old daughter, my daughter and her sibling get on like a house on fire)

Mum's dad is a vicar and the ex attends church when it suits her.

Which is a bit rich as she objected to my suggestion of a secondary C of E school (which is a little bit further away) as it was a religious school - but not as close as the local crappy academy school.

Not sure where this has come from - the ex's new fella is a bit of an unknown, whether it's come from him (unknown if he's religious) or the ex is playing "happy families" is also unknown.

When we were together we did discuss getting daughter christened but nothing came of it.

As it turns out I don't have any real objections to daughter being christened per se, just that of course, it should be a mutually discussed decision without riding roughshod over Parental Responsibility.

I feel a warning shot being fired across the ex's bows (again) enquiring about this christening that daughter has mentioned, whether it is true and if so what sort of discussion there is going to be. Also I could suggest some god-parents from the paternal side of the family !!!

At 7 years old, your daughter can take herself to baptism. Baptism is always something to celebrate. If you daughter is not able to make the promises herself, then both her parents should make the promises on her behalf.

Think about your daughter and not about your own pride.

I think to be honest that its nice that a child is introduced to any elements of religion and its not something to call rank over - perhaps you could ask the ex what her plans are and become part of them? or if thats not feasible buy your daughter a special gift to remember that day by.

It all sounds a bit twee but God is good.

It's not about my pride, far from it.

It's about being involved as a parent and a father.

That is surely part of the baptism???

Thats why I think you should speak to your ex and actively partcipate.

too late, she's gone and had it done.

Unbelievable.

The ex has gone and had it done.

Daughter was dropped off at the ex's this morning and they were going to see the grandparents for the weekend as they haven't been able to over christmas and new year due to the weather.

Spoke to daughter just now on the phone and she told me that she has been christened at 4pm. Who did it? Why grandfather of course (remember he's the vicar).

Words fail me.

I spoke to the ex and asked her some pertinent questions;

• why daughter has been baptised - because she was never baptised as a child

• why ex thought it appropriate for this to be done without any consultation with the child's father - ex thought I wouldn't mind when I pointed out I would have liked to be involved she muttered some answers about I don't go to church etc

• who were the godparents? the ex's sister and a couple of her schoolmates.

• I pointed out that it would have be appropriate for the father to be consulted as maybe some of the fathers side would have liked to be godparents (my cousin actually would have been a good choice)

• I pointed out to the ex that in my view she has acted completely inappropriately, not in child's best interests and does she think that it was OK to do all of this without my knowledge or involvement and to find out 2nd hand from the child? The ex muttered something again "I suppose so".

So I'm pretty p*ssed off. That a so-called man of the cloth can do this - fully well knowing my involvement as a father.

Is there any procedure for complaint that anyone knows of? I may have to follow this up with the CoE to find out their procedures about such matters (but of course they will probably protect their own).

Unbelievable.

yerblurt, i feel a bit angry for you, you seem to be an active father so why someone would shut their childs father out over something like this i dont know. as much as i dont like my ds's father at the moment i wouldnt have stopped him having anything to do with something like this and would love it if he wanted to be involved.
as for saying you dont go to church, do most of the people who have their children christened actually go to church? i suspect mostly they dont, its just a thing i feel that most people seem to do for a party almost, not to make a religious point of some sort.

That's unacceptable, in my opinion. When there is that degree of shared parental responsibility then such decisions should be made jointly, not behind your back. And most definitely you should have been made aware of the plan beforehand and been given the opportunity to have been involved.

My advice (from my time many years ago as assistant to a Diocesan Registrar - a solicitor who advises the Bishop) is to find out who the Archdeacon is for that parish and write to him (copy to the Bishop). It tends to be the Archdeacon who initially gets involved if there are problems at the parish level. Nothing can be done about the baptism, of course, as it's permanent, but at the very least your letters will be on file. Again this is my opinion, but if the church wants to uphold family values it should take seriously a complaint that your child was baptised without your knowledge and involvement.

Thank you uglymugly that is very very interesting advice.

I'm really quite upset about this tbh.

I was of the understanding that both parents had to be willing to have their child baptised.

I spoke to my cousin recently and her DH is so against her having their 2nd child baptised (their first chidl was) she's a little upset but is accepting of the situation.

I can understand why you're upset about it.

When I arranged our dcs baptism the priest was quite insistent that it had to be both parents that wanted it (dh was working v long hours and couldnt be there to do the 'aarranging' but ended up speaking to the priest on the telephone).

I don't know about the Church of England, but my understanding s that in the Catholic church a child over 6 would make the decision themselves whether or not to be baptized. Is it possible that your dd did not want you involved for some reason? Perhaps because she knew you wouldn't be happy with the idea? I still think your ex should have told you, but you might want to chat to your daughter about how the decision came about before you go in all guns blazing. Your ex and her family may and i repeat may, have thought they were doing what your daughter wanted.

My daughter had no involvement in the decision making process, it is all the ex's idea.

DD has no idea about what baptism means or even some basic teachings of the church, despite the ex saying she goes to church occasionally (she last went last year and goes on occasions like mothering sunday/christmas. I would call this hypocritical), DD didn't know things like 12 days after xmas.

Believe me if my DD understood about this then she would want me involved.

It's all the ex's organising and not in any consultation with DD

I hope you can be happy for your DD, yerblurt, especially to her face.

I am, she is the world to me and I love her so much. DD has a lovely time with her father and her extended paternal family, it's just such a shame this sort of nonsense happens in the background - and all at one persons instigation.