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Philosophy/religion

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Original poster

Relationship: muslim/christian

21 replies

babloogirl · 29/09/2009 22:53

Sorry if the subject has already been treated earlier,

My DP is muslim, I am christian (though I do not attend church).

We have been together 3 years, were planning to get married and start a family, but earlier this week, his parents made it clear to him that they would never accept a non-muslim person in the family.

He is their only son, and I am devastated to the fact that because of religion we may not be together (we really feel like soulmates).

Did anyone come across this before? did it work out and what would be the solution?

OP posts:

littleducks · 29/09/2009 23:00

how practicing/religous are his family?

under islamic rulings a muslim man can marry a Jewish/Christian woman, as the follow the same prophetic traditions (Jesus was a prophet for muslims too etc)

So they cant really stop him on religous grounds

Children wise its tricky, what were you planning to do religion wise then? I think it will be near impossible to keep everyone happy with that

Did they know about you before, 3 years in seems a bitt late to object? Or were they assuming/hoping you would convert?

overmydeadbody · 29/09/2009 23:05

They can't stop him.

As a muslim he is allowed to marry someone non-muslim.

Any children you have will be born muslim as far as they and your DP are concerned, and he will probably want to bring them up as muslims. How would you feel about that?

They may eventually come round to accepting you but then again they may not. It's a tricky situation, are you sure you want to go through that?

overmydeadbody · 29/09/2009 23:08

I've come across it hundreds of times.

Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't.

It is always difficult and stressful thoug.

Moslty the times it has worked out best is when the woman has converted, even if just on paper.

Where's he from? Arab or Asian?

Original poster

babloogirl · 29/09/2009 23:09

Well, we met in the Uk, am french he is pakistani. His family back in pakistan are practicing completely. My DP is practising too but at a least extend (would need no halal if he didn't have the choice, and well of course living with me without being married).

Regarding the kids, we said that they will be muslim but that we will teach them about other religion.

His parents kind of knew about me, but I was never introduced as the proper GF (was I too naive? I don't know).

We spoke about converting at first I wasn't really for that, but after thinking a lot if that is the last resort so that My DP and myself can be together then I would (but that seems wrong to me and to him because I wouldn't do it to be muslim but to be with him)

OP posts:

moondog · 29/09/2009 23:11

Do you live together?

overmydeadbody · 29/09/2009 23:11

Chances are you would be the one making all the sacrifices in this relationhip. Are you willing to do that?

wannaBe · 29/09/2009 23:12

how does he feel about what his family have said. You say that you're devastated you may not be able to be together, is this something he has said?

His family can't stop him marrying you, but if he feels that he may end the relationship because of his family then tbh I think it's fairly obvious where his loyalties lie, and even if you were able to persuade him to stay with you, there will always be the realization that his family hold greater influence than you do.

Also if his family have an influence over him they will also have a say in how you bring up your children. Personally I couldn't be a part of that.

overmydeadbody · 29/09/2009 23:14

wannaBe people's loyalties always lie with blood family frist don't they?

overmydeadbody · 29/09/2009 23:17

If he's Pakistani and he's an only son then his family will always hold a great deal of influence over him. Always.

Original poster

babloogirl · 29/09/2009 23:18

Yes we do live together, It has been 2 and a half years now.

I think that I would be able to sacrifice for our relationship, but I am not sure he would accept to disapoint his parents (did I just find the answer myself?).

He is the only son, so his parents have high expectations for him...He always told me that his family were very tolerant and that they will accept me, but now it doesn't seem that obvious to me...

OP posts:

Original poster

babloogirl · 29/09/2009 23:19

He his the only son, he has 2 sisters but, he is the only boy! so high expectations

OP posts:

moondog · 29/09/2009 23:19

It will not work out happily for all partied. Guaranteed.

wannaBe · 29/09/2009 23:21

do they? If your family said you shouldn't marry your husband would you end the relationship? on their say so?

I think there is loyalty to an extent, ie you respect their opinions... etc, but as an adult we should be free to make our own decisions without the permission of our family.

Original poster

babloogirl · 29/09/2009 23:23

If my family was to say me do not marry him, I wouldn't listen to them

actually I already did not listen to what my grand dad told me about marrying french blood...

But I know that he would listen to them! (aaarrrgh so complicated!)

OP posts:

wannaBe · 29/09/2009 23:25

I think the fact he didn't tell his family about you for three years is very telling, sorry.

Do you have children together?

Original poster

babloogirl · 29/09/2009 23:30

I know, I think I have been blind for 3 years and kept hoping...

As we say in french Love is blind!

I think I just have to kind of accept it even though I won't, but how unfair it is that his parents can still decide of his life! (I am gonna sound horrible, but I hope they will find him an ugly wife!)

We don't have any children together, that would have been even more complicated!

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 29/09/2009 23:32

wannabe I agree, no grown adult should need permisiion from their family to do something, but at the same time most people would put their family before non-family if they had to actually choose.

I would lay down my life for blood relations, but not for someone I was sleeping with.

OP, it does say a lot that he hasn't told them about yoy properly. Given their culture and their religion, it is unlikely he will do anything to sever his relationship with them. It has been programmed into him from day one not to.

wannaBe · 29/09/2009 23:34

so op what has he said about all this?

Has he said it's over?

wannaBe · 29/09/2009 23:37

OMDB I think it depends though how far the relationship has progressed. If they've lived together for nearly three years I would ihave hoped that it was a strong relationship. But seeing the op's (not so d) p has kept her his secret all this time I think it's fair to say that the op sees more in the relationship than he does.

Original poster

babloogirl · 30/09/2009 09:30

He hasn't said it was over, he said he needed to think about what to do...so that kind of says it all.

We are very close since we are both away from our family, we are kind of "each other family here".

I think that he said me lots of bull and gave me hope in the past 3 years but that he knew from the start it would be impossible.

I don't deny the fact that he loves me which I know he does, but I think he would rather break my heart rather than the one of his family which is fair enough but so hard to accept for me!

OP posts:

Mouette · 30/09/2009 18:10

I am sorry. I have a friend who's a Muslim and she was going out with a Christian man. Her father only agreed to let them marry if he converted. Which he duly did, but in fact they now don't practice, and when they're with his family they actually go to church with them. The main issue here I think is not so much religious, it's more that he isn't prepared to fight for you. It looks as though his family will always come first - is that something you really want? What if you and your in-laws disagree on how to raise the children, for example?

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