How do I tell my friends I don't want to do the Alpha course?

[BumperliciousVsTheDailyHate]

Some lovely friends of mine have just asked me and DH if we want to do the Alpha Course. I'm not completely adverse to it but I don't particularly want to at the moment for several reasons:

1. I work 9 hour days, and by the time I get done with dinner and putting 2 yo DD to bed I get about 2 hours before having to go bed, the last thing I want to do is go and be sociable, articulate and thoughtful
2. I'm an atheist, though I was into religion and church until I was a teen then got completely put off it after my mum dragged me a along to a born-again Christian church.
3. We couldn't get a babysitter, though I could go on my own, I just really don't want to
4. I don't think it would make me change how I feel, I don't want it to change how I feel, I am perfectly happy as an atheist. I think it would be a waste of time.

Can anyone help me let my friends down in a nice way, that doesn't belittle the way they feel. We have discussed religion, and they know how I feel. They are very strong in their beliefs and very up front about them, though not in a pressurising way. They are really lovely and I don't want to offend them but to be honest I struggle to muster up the energy to make conversation with my husband at the moment. But I need a better reason than 'I can't be bothered'. I'm not adverse to the Alpha Course per se, I have seen very good reviews on it, but it smacks a little of brain washing to me.

What do I say?

Have a look at this series of articles, Bumperlicious: by atheist who took 10 week Alpha Course and blogged about it over the course for the Guardian Comment is Free site. Very interesting and might answer some of your questions ... it does seem to be a rather terribly brainwashing course but depends hugely on which church/leader you get (and fellow people on course too I guess - you might get a bunch of loons, you might get a more normal open-minded lot)

www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/belief/2009/jul/10/alpha-course-religion-science

c'est simple! Just say "I don't want to do the Alpha course". If they're good enough friends, they won't be offended.

I think it must depend on who runs the Alpha course you do. I did one through our own church - which is definitely not happy clappy (even if there are some members who are, a bit) - and it was fine (I was already a Christian and a church-goer). It was also so not about brainwashing - yeah, OK, I went into it from a standpoint of belief but not one of acceptance of every dictate. There is a lot of variation in some of the "peripheral" stuff.

We didn't do the "away day" bit which, I think, is where a lot of the "experiences" come from.

If you don't want to go, just say "no". If they are truly friends, they will respect that (they'll probably go away and pray for you but I assume you won't mind that).

Btw, is No 4 the "real" reason you don't want to go.

I'd quite like to do a course on Buddhism or Islam, even if they were trying to convert me.

(I'm another Christian who wouldn't fancy the Alpha course, mainly because I find Nicky Gumbel incredibly annoying! )

There is a big push this month by the CoE to ask congregants to bring a friend to church. If you feel really bad about saying no to the Alpha course, perhaps you can appease them by agreeing to a Sunday worship ??

I have done the Alpha course 3 times - don't ask - and can honestly say that it is a good course, but does require a fair deal of effort and you do need to be 'in the right place' . One of the Alpha courses I attended went from almost no belief to a weekend away talking about the Holy Spirit and talking in tongues - it was just a bit too OTT for me ...

Best course of action is for you to tell your friends no and for them to respect your decision ....

Aargh! Tongues! Healing!! Woah.

I was once dragged along to a "healing" ceremony by Christian friends. I watched and listened very politely, and smiled and nodded. Inside I was screaming "FFS! How mental are you people??!"

Afterwards I was asked what I thought, so I just said as politely as I could that I didn't really think it was for me, and I didn't think I had witnessed anything supernatural.

Just say no.

Any reasonable friend will accept that!

(though they might well continue to pray secretly for you!)

I think sometimes non-Christians feel they have to go just to prove a point - to show they are not "afraid" of it and that they can be exposed to it and it won't "convert" them.

Because that's often the argument used by faithers to the rational - "well, you just haven't tried it." At least if you go to an Alpha course or go to church, you can say "I've tried it. Didn't work for me. Told you so."

Or because they enjoy a good barney with Christians.

UQD, dh is a Buddhist (quite involved). We have an agreement that I don't attend Buddhist 'stuff', as my internal reaction is exactly yours of 22:35.

OP, I think a simple 'No thanks, I'm really not interested' should suffice. If they persist then personally, I'd be tempted to explain that yep, I could have a LOT of fun on an Alpha Course, but they might want to disassociate themselves from me first...

I imagine I'd probably have the same reaction at a Jonas Brothers gig, or an EastEnders convention, or a golf conference, or any other gathering devoted to some hobby of which I cannot see the appeal and have less than zero desire to be involved in. That feeling of "these people are speaking a language I do not understand."

The difference is, they probably wouldn't have tried to get me to come!

Just to let you know, a radical non-believer or cynic can often be unexpectedly vulnerable to particular types of esty, culty, revelation-based "courses" of which Alpha could be one.

I mean, more vulnerable than a regular person. It's because (you notice it on here) atheists and cynics are particularly confident in their own judgment and their decision, and believe they are more rational you don't get an atheist doubter by definition!

However the techniques that can be used are incredibly, incredibly persuasive. You wouldn't believe how persuasive. They are very clever. And it starts to worm its way in.

Once it's got even a tiny foothold the (possibly subconscious) thought process goes like this: "Wow I am such a clever, cynical, aware, on guard, rational person and even I think this makes sense. Therefore there must be something to it. It must be true*.

That's how you get the nothing to everything trajectory. Honestly you would not believe how assured these techniques can be.

However it is of course possible that I am maligning Alpha, as somebody already said it wasn't like I described before. I'm off to read that blog someone recommended.

But this is quite often the thing with the guilt, the communal approach to revelation and penitence and stuff like that.

I can sort of see that this makes sense. Although I think it would only work with someone who was convinced they were an atheist in a particular way.

let me guess uqd -- not your kind?

I'd find it very difficult to be convinced by such methods. People are welcome to try. They will fail.

"It doesn't really interest me and besides I just don't have the time at the moment".

No need to say anything else.

Bumper, just say no. Its clear you really don't have time to waste on this, but there's no need to spell it out unless they get really pushy. If they do, try asking them to respect your beliefs.

uqd you are the most vulnerable kind

be afraid...

I haven't been on an Alpha course but Christians have taken me to their churches and groups. I went along out of politeness. They failed to "convert" me so why should anyone else be able to? Bring it on...

no seriously -- maybe not alpha but some of these techniques are i believe quite sinister and it is really frightening that the tougher you believe yourself to be, the more vulnerable you might be

saying "bring it on.." - i guess that's what they all say

I think the most invulnerable are the sort of well meaning, vaguely interested, in the same sense as a tupperware party sort of person who, half way through, thinks, oh dear, not me really

the confirmed cynic/atheist gets involved, starts to argue, starts an internal dialogue etc etc which is the first step on the road

I've been asked several times - used to work with two quite fundamentalist Christians, one of whom ran an Alpha course (she was a barking loon, but I know not all courses are run like that).

I just said, no thanks, it's not for me.

Well you might like it, they said. It's not to try and convert you, you just seem to like a good discussion.

Oh how I do, but I also understand social constraints, and I knew I would not be performing at my best under those circumstances

The thing about susceptibility though:
We are all susceptible to various influences...saying a die-hard atheist is somehow more susceptible to becoming a fervent Christian is - well, not my experience at all.

I would guess that people with other extremes of personality (eg mild forms of mania?? Just thinking of types ho get SO involved in SOMETHING then the NEXT thing and the NEXT thing...) might be susceptible but I don't know. I do only know quite calm atheists. Except dh but he is only cross because he gets hate email about evolution.

Why the hell should you? You're an atheist and you're not interested, thanks. You could say "Well would you like to come on an atheist course, it could change your life."

Ugh I hate the alpha course - ruthless, hardcore evangelism disguising itself as a lovely "interesting" course where you get to discuss the "philosophy of life", yeah right. If they need to disguise it in that way it's because they are ashamed to say what it really is - and that has to be questionable. Tbh I prefer a good old-fashioned mormon coming up to me in the street to bash me with their book - at least they're honest.

I do agree that the more radically and hardline atheist you are, the more vulnerable you are to these things - however you don't sound like that, you sound fairly open-minded, but that doesn't mean you have to entertain the idea if you don't want to. I mean you don't have to go on a bricklaying course or a pigeon-fancying course either do you, if they're not your thing. "I don't want to" is a perfectly good reason to give.

I'm not at all convinced that most hardline atheists are vulnerable to evangelism. I can think of far more people among my friends who've moved from religion to atheism, very few, in fact none, who've gone from atheism to a religion.

In fact, I'd be fairly sure that some of those people promoting or running alpha courses now will be atheists one day. There's a big fall-out from evangelical christianity, it often doesn't last.

noone ever invites me to an Alpha course but I would just say (if I were in a polite mood) "I'm very happy already with my world view thank you"

A an athiest, I would say "No thank you, not my cup of tea at all"

If they pushed it I would insist that I have a library card and can read works of fiction any time I choose. But real friends don't push religion on you.