Anyone spiritual whose DP is not?

[nomorechoc]

As it says - i am v spiritual, my DH is not at all. i keep changing my mind as to whether this is a problem or not..
i guess we're never going to have a 'spiritual connection', and the other thing is that i cant share my spititual interests with him.
anyone in the same boat, and is it a big deal?

Interesting question. I think it depends on the nature of your beliefs & general expectations around relationships. Also, whether your partner is simply disinterested or actively hostile to you pursuing your own spiritual path.

Obviously for many people following a specific faith their choice of partner would be a fellow believer. I grew up in a traditional Christian environment & the bible advises against hooking up with non-believers, I can see why. There are many benefits in terms of mutual support, shared values etc... to sharing a faith. There were people in the church whose partners did not share their faith & it caused them a lot of personal anguish. They desperately wanted their partner to convert & be "saved". As anyone would if they believed their faith was life enhancing. More so, when the only alternative (in their view) was hell for their loved ones if they did not. Even if they avoided putting their partner under pressure, this conflict of beliefs often drove a wedge in the marriage. Not sharing the same beliefs also meant that they felt their relationship was missing an important aspect of intimacy e.g. the "spiritual connection" you refer to.

I personally believe that our own spiritual journey is always unique even if we share the same beliefs. I found the environment I grew up in did not match all of my beliefs & I also had the desire to find out about other beliefs/traditions. In the course of doing this I have sometimes attended Quaker meetings as I find it a supportive context in which to explore these interests & have read/continue to read wisdom from different faiths/cultures. This is my journey & whilst I would be delighted if my partner wanted to chat about it with me I do not currently feel that it is vital to our relationship that he does. (There will always be other people that come into your life that you can talk to about it when needed) My partner does have some spiritual beliefs but they are different from mine. However, he does have respect for the concept of following spiritual principles in general & so is not at all opposed to what I choose to do. If my partner were actively hostile or if my partner had concrete beliefs that did not allow respect for other ways of being/seeing that would present real difficulties.

Was any of that helpful?

Hi there. My faith (Christianity) plays a huge and central role in my life and dh desciribes himself as agnostic, on the basis that no one can prove either way. However he basically doesn't feel the need for any spiritual dimension to his life.

On the other hand he is a very moral and principled person, kind and thoughtful and considerate of others. We have similar political and ethical beliefs. He hasn't come to his opinions through laziness or ignorance or disinterest, so who am I to judge him? He is happy for our children to have experience of going to church and tonlearn about Christianity, equally we agreed that our children would not be baptized as infants so they could make their own decisions. Also I don't think he's going to hell, which probably helps! It was important to me early on in our relationship to know that he didn't see my faith as foolishness or weakness, which he doesn't. If anything I think my biggest regret is, as suggested by the earlier poster, that I think he would really gain from embracing some sort of spirituality, but again if he doesn't feel he needs it, who am I to say?

I guess what I'm saying is, it only really matters if the differences in your spiritual outlook lead to differences in the ways you live your lives and to conflict about children etc. Also, you never know, his opinions might change! Any use?

i am really interested in matters spiritual, attend quaker meetings, am getting increasingly interested in buddhism, meditate daily, read around the subjects constantly... DH is not remotely so. quite a few of us on the meditation thread are in the same boat on this one! i do have moments of regret over it, but mostly i am quite accepting of the situation. he is a good person and we do share many other interests, i tell myself. like two children

ps nomorechoc - an example of a conversation with my DH...yesterday i came back from quaker meeting all excited because i felt i had connected with a kindred spirit there - i said something breathless and no doubt annoyingly enthusiastic like 'DH i am so happy, i met a fellow quako-buddhist, nothing makes me happier than finding quako-buddhists i can talk to'. to which he tetchily replied 'nothing makes me happier than a really good roast potato' and pointed out it was time to help get sunday lunch for ten on the table. so i guess he keeps me grounded in the real world

That's a brilliant story Katie. It had me giggling as I can just imagine my DH saying something v v similar.

NMC - thanks for posting this question as it's one thing I'm battling with as my DH is evangelical aetheist. I'm still plucking up the courage to go to a meditation class / Quaker meeting without getting a roasting. (sic) I went to church at Easter (it was fairly dreadful) and he said he was v disappointed in me....
So I'm going to read this thread with interest.

Thanks all - glad to know i am not in the same boat. I too am planning to go to a Quaker meeting when i get a sec. Quako-Buddhists sound good! Anyone been to a Quaker meeting in Home Counties?

hello there, and hi to pinkfluffy - yep there are certainly a few of us around with obstinately atheist other halves, then! for what it's worth, after about a year of groaning and making negative comments, and clearly feeling THREATENED, mine has become fairly accepting of my quako-buddhism - he gets to do lots of stuff that connects him to nature (which for both of us is really important) and i am supportive of that (mountain-biking and walking at weekends now and again with his mates, that sort of thing) so in return he looks after the kids on sunday mornings. he was really tested last week - DD (also atheist!! age 8...) has, notwithstanding her firm views on the dubious basis for christianity and buddhism, joined the church choir and had her first performance at a christening on sunday. as i had to do coffee and biscuits at QM he had to go - and did really well! i was quite proud of him. he was very proud of his adored daughter, all cute in her robes (best not to dwell on what was actually going on inside her dark and brooding little atheist head at the time) which helped. so i am lucky - he does sigh and tut at me, but does allow me to pursue this angle without too much protest. it's DD i get more direct insults from!! along the lines of 'mummy, do you HAVE to be a buddhist, no-one else's mummy is' - i haven't broached the more complicated topic of quako-buddhism with her yet
so on the DH front, there is hope. as i say mine is unlikely to shed his atheist views any time soon but he has become less snidey and dismissive, and more accepting that this is a huge need of mine, and that it doesn't mean our relationship boat has to be rocked.

ps pinkfluffy i went to church at easter too, with the kids - lovely little village church with lots of local school families there, that was the good bit. as for the service - it just served to remind me why i prefer the stillness and peace of quaker meetings

Katie - Thanks for words of comfort re: DH. I think you're right my DH does feel threatened. (How can you feel threatened by something you don't agree with!?)
re: Easter service. I turned up at the village church and there were ladies in bonnets!! I nearly hooted with laughter. (Not a good move!) Then to my surprise a Bishop wafted down the aisle, I crouched down to explain this to DD and I'm sure he thought I was genuflecting! I later found out the church is a Forward in Faith one - so anti women priests. (Boo hiss!)

I would love to get to a Quaker meeting but not sure DH would babysit...Plus they're held in the middle of the morning - not a good time.

NMC - I've been to a Quaker meeting in Oxford and they were v friendly.
I once went to a Quaker guest house in the Lake District which was wonderful - supper was communal and preceeded by a one minute silence. Even my 18 month old managed to observe the silence!
I'd highly recommend it:
www.glenthorne.org ( Have a look at the events...)

Ok off to wrap presents for DD - she's 5 tomorrow. Such a great age!