Miss the fellowship of my old church life

[traceyinrosso]

Used to be very active church member , met my DH on a Beach Mission team 20yrs ago, got married and started attending very sober evangelical church because this is what my husband thought best. Only few years later he decided that he needed a lie in on a sunday and that I could go on my own (with kids in tow now). This meant I was asked each week where he was and what did I think was the matter with him and it all got too stressful couldn't cope with the symapthy vote and felt like single parent but yet making excuses for his backsliding (for want of better expression). When I asked pastor to visit he said did I really think it would make any difference. Gradually stopped attending , have attended local methodist church few times but all over 80 but welcoming but just no fellowship of similar age or any real challenging meetings. Have really not been for last couple of years and feel would like kids to have been brought up going to church and I miss the fellowship I had at my hone church and student church before getting married. I know not right but feel my husband has messed things up for me and kids because everywhere I go will ask where he is and don't want to mke excuses for him. Can't believe someone so seemingly committed can turn out to swear like a trooper and despite repeated requests not to as I find it offensive continues - I feel like I have been cheated out of the marriage and life I wanted and thought was going to get. Kids now 13, 11 and 4 so not sure if even can persuade older ones to come with me but DH cycles every Sun morning so do I do battle to please myself or give in again and continue feeling like there is more out there to life. My faith taken huge battering over it all - not sure where I am at myself but feel want to re examine my faith . Anyone know how to take first step into a church as new face with 3 kids in tow.

Don't think the relationship issue will go away - think I'm in the "for better for worse" era in our 17yr marriage but do feel like I have strength to just go find somewhere to worship without his blessing or approval seeing as I feel like my own happy Methodist roots were made to feel spiritually lacking but turned out to be of much stronger stuff in the end. Will try somewhere - our local salvation army is strong with good youth work but never worshipped with them so don't know what to expect - is it still tambourines ?

Have you thought of going to a less traditional church such as Ichthus or New Frontiers? The sort that usually meet in school halls and be called Blogstown Christian Fellowship or the like. They tend to have better youth work which would be good for your DCs.

NOW I know they vary a lot and some can be cliquey or be a bit too hardline evangelical, but IME there are usually lots of families/kids, a bit more tolerance of people's different circumstances, and genuine care and spiritual support. It's worth a try if you're not particularly wedded to a particular denomination. It might even appeal to your DH now and again.

When we were sussing out churches we sent DH on his own first to check it out without the distraction of the DC's destroying the place - could you get your DH to have the kids one morning? That was after some intensive web searching to see what was in the area.

Hope you find somewhere to call home, it's hard being without a fellowship.

Thought that might be a direction to look but don't want to drag kids into spaced out people speaking in tongues - no offense to those of that persuasion - DH having kids is no hoper - cycling is the new sacred activity am afraid.

Perhaps you could go to a Christianity Explored or Alpha course? That could act as your introduction into that church and bolster your feelings about your faith at the same time.

Your dh's reaction must be very hard for you- I am sorry to read that your last church failed you - dh and I are involved in the leadership of our church and it is so important to keep up the connections. I've actually printed your thread out for him to read because it's definately a cautionary tale for church leaders!

Another suggestion - what about going to an evening service by yourself? That might help you to reconnect and you can then see where you want to take the rest of the family?

Think you just have to go along to a few places and see. One week of anything no matter how weird won't kill them.

Not being funny but have you had a thorough internet search? We found our current church on Google and websites give you a pretty good idea of what the church is like and what's going on.

Just wanted to encourage you too. A mum of 3 has just started coming to our church recently, her DH doesn't do church. Her kids have been fine in the children's class and she is enjoying it and it's been lovely getting to know her too. It can be done .

Northernlurker, thanks for that. The church were terribly nice to me but felt like I was one taking the flak for his absence. Have recently crossed paths with someone from the church whose first question was "and where do you fellowship now ?" was totally unsure what to say mumbled something - how do such "nice" people make me feel so worhless? Might try an evening service. Thing I have struggled with is feeling disloyal to DH talking about it with friends as feel bit of character assassination likely to flood out and most we are friends with as a couple. My best oldest friend married to CE vicar and feel so envious of her life and that we both wanted the same - don't mean wanted to marry a vicar just expected a life in a church family. Doesn't help that my mum is local preacher and keeps pointing out that she is worried/disappointed that I don't go to church anymore but how can I tell her the father of her grandchildren has driven me away and how I feel torn apart inside when she just says "why do you think he doesn't want to go anymore" again more of sympathy vote and I feel like screaming inside and saying "you don't understand how much I am hurting".

Blithedance, haven't searched on internet thoroughly - couple of churches put in didn't appear to have websites but perhaps just not computer savvy enough ! Can shop and talk online but anything more technical beyond me. Must make note to have good internet snoop tomorrow.

Sorry but must get some sleep - any postings will reply tomorrow - thanks everyone.

He doesn't have to be a churchgoer just because you are. He doesn't have to believe in gods if he doesn't want to (though he shouldn't be rude or disrespectful about your beliefs).
A nice church will accept that your H is not interested in coming along, one that badgers you to indoctrinate your whole family is probably a creepy cult anyway.

i appreciate your point and if he doesn't want to believe fair enough but life is now so engineered around the kids and his social life that making a break back into a church feels like I am going to have to be selfish for my own interests.

OK, so actually this is not about church at all, it's about him thinking that he is entitled to time off and you are just there to look after the children. Not good. Every parent needs a slot of time a week to do something for themselves, so point out to him that you want this time slot, and ask him how it can be arranged (it doesn't matter whether you want to spend your free time at church, the cinema or playing darts, the point is that you are entitled to free time and interests of your own).

We go to a local evangelical anglican church as its the best one for childrenswork and youthwork in our area. That is our main criteria - may sound shallow but I loved church as a child and want mine too as well. Try different places until you work out where your children will feel most comfortable, and go with them. Also, look out for somewhere with mid-week womens meetings where you can make close friendships; true, close fellowship will help you to pray for your DH and help heal the divisions in your marriage, or at least help you feel more positive about the reality of dealing with them...

hi i havent read the thread but i read your OP an profile and noticed you are in south yorkshire, are you far from Eyam, s32 our parish anglican church is a fantastic friendly family church, i go without my DH as he isnt a christian, i know you would be made to feel very welcome.

Hi TiR

Just wanted to send some support. I attend two churches - one is a large evangelical church, very full with couples/families where I have never felt quite accepted as a single Christian parent, and sometimes have to explain where my non-Christian dh is, but which has some great teaching/special events and good kids clubs in the holidays. My other, local church is small and liberal C of E and it's much easier to go to and just be me.

It is really hard getting the balance between finding a stimulating lively church which is family based and right for you and your dcs, and one at which you will feel comfy, but I think that it is worth continuing to shop around, until you have.

The Salvation Army certainly isn't all tambourines these days! Notsofarnow will be able to fill you in on the details. I'll ask her to pop in!

Working out your relationship with your dh and giving up the idea of being the Christian couple you thought you were is something that others on MN share, and you may want to post about that separately. However, you can still have an enriching personal life with God and will maybe able to find a faith to which your dh is drawn again one day . . .

Do think about joining us on the Christian Prayer Thread on here. It was a great source of fellowship to me, when I struggled to get to church, and it means you can answer those enquiries of "where do you fellowship now?" with the answer "Online as part of an international, mainly female, parents fellowship group"

Link to the MN prayer thread here

I wouldn't describe RW as woolly, Justa! Or if it is, its wool with teeth in! (Though I must admit, my brain feels v. woolly after I read some of the more complicated questions!) Great discussion this week, by the way.

T - If people ask about dh, you could just say 'he's not a church-goer' and leave it at that. (Obv at a new church, not your old ones) They could just be making polite conversation, and it's not up to you to explain or apologise for someone else's attendance or not.

Hope you find a new place soon.

Just wanted to answer that Salvation Army is definately not all tambourines. Each SA is diffent some can be quite traditional with focus on band, choir but most now i would hope have a fair mix of contempory/traditional worship. if you give an indication of where u live I could look at what i could find out for you. But if they have a good youth work i would bet that they have an element of being family friendly.

Thank you all so much for the encouragement and support - it has made me reflect a bit more was having a very "feel sorry for myself" phase and feel more positive - have suggested to DH that may take kids to church on Sunday was met with ok vibes - but then I will be taking kids and he will be out on his bike ! Have found a potential place on internet 10 mins up road attatched to FIEC and meets in village hall - will give it a go.MrsTicklemouse thanks for your comments but nowhere near Eyam.

Just to encourage you re potential questions about where your DH is. We have had four new families in our church within the last couple of years. One of the dads comes once in a blue moon - none of the others come at all. I am not aware of anyone ever having batted an eyelid. I think the people in your last church were being a bit heavy-handed.

And I know at least one female cleryperson whose husband is not a believer.

I hope you find somewhere that will give you the fellowship you need, the chance to worship with your kids, and will not assume that all couples are joined at the hip.

Are you near Sheffield? Here's an excellent list of Sheffield's Anglican churches including their websites and brief info on type of worship, age of worshippers.
here

Just wanted to add an update - went to a church 10 mins away on Sunday (an evangelical free church that meets in a village hall affiliated to FIEC).Was made to feel so welcome, kids loved it and asked to go again before even being asked if they wanted to - only managed few mins in service as my 4 year old didn't want to stay in creche with unfamiliar people (understandably). So altogether a success so far ! Will definitely go again anyway. Will join some of the threads suggested too.