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Original poster

What do you think about taking a 4 year old to a funeral ??

14 replies

mummyloveslucy · 15/04/2009 18:18

It's her great grandma. She was extreamly close to her. She lived with my mother in law and we saw her nearly every day.
The funeral is next week and my daughter will have to go, as all the family will be there so no one can look after her.
She is used to going to church, she's been going nearly every week since she was 4 days old. It's the same church the funeral will be taking place at.
Do you think she'll see it as just church, or will she be upset?

OP posts:
jabberwocky · 15/04/2009 18:25

We took ds1 (5) and ds2 (2) to my grandmother's funeral and they were fine. They were not close to her so that is a difference. Will it be an open casket service?

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 15/04/2009 18:32

No, it won't be an open casket. That would be a tricky one to try to explain, she thinks Nanna's in heaven. She thinks very literally.

OP posts:
oldwomanwholivedinashoe · 15/04/2009 18:37

I wouldn't. I dont think its meaningful for them at 4yrs old.

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 15/04/2009 18:45

I know it won't be meaningfull for her, I'll be happy if she just behaves like it's a normal church service and dosn't get upset. I could always take her out if necessary.
There isn't anyone else to have her.

OP posts:
LIZS · 15/04/2009 18:49

Will anyone be upset though , think that might confuse the idea of it being an ordinary church service and upset her in turn. Could you ask one of the nursery staff to babysit during the service and you collect her for the wake or someone from your family ?

dingledangle · 15/04/2009 18:49

I think if she is familiar with the church and you have talked to her about heaven and so forth it would be ok to take her to the funeral.

Perhaps consider how she would react to others distress this could be an issue for her. It sounds like you have spoken to her about her great grandma passing away. I would answer any questions she asks about it in a way that she would understand. Be led by her.

Obviously death, like birth is a normal process and is sounds like the familiarity of the church may be helpful.

I personally think children should be involved in funerals, weddings etc as they are all part of life. It is how it is done that can cause worries for children but if you are led by her I think the fact you are considering whether it is appropriate means you are pretty focused and tuned in with her.

I hope it is ok whatever you decide to do....

oldwomanwholivedinashoe · 15/04/2009 18:52

Oh well if you have no one to have her then I suppose its a bit different.
if it was me i would probably ask my DH to stay home with her. i just think that other people getting upset is not a thing you would like her to see. Also if she goes to church regularly this may alter the way she sees the whole church thing.
Sorry things are difficult for you.

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 15/04/2009 18:55

I might sit with her away from her Grandma who will obviously be very upset. If I sit with my sister in law and her family, she should be fine. I'll take sweets as usuall too.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 15/04/2009 19:00

Thanks everyone. I think people being upset will probubly upset her too.
I'll have another try to find someone to look after her, if not, we'll sit away from the imediate family.

OP posts:
oldwomanwholivedinashoe · 15/04/2009 19:00

well i think that sounds ok. if you have no other childcare and you are sitting her with people who def wont get upset then ok.
Also i think dingle has a point - funerals, like weddings are all about life and I think children should be included. You can talk to her before hand about the service being about everyone remebering grandma and saying goodbye to her and wishing her a happy life in heaven.

Hassled · 15/04/2009 19:01

I think it's necessary. DS3 went to my father's funeral at 4 - and yes, he saw me and lots of other people very upset, but he could understand why. And he could understand that it was a chance to say your goodbyes, and talk about his grandad with other people.

maltesers · 15/04/2009 19:41

I think as long as not everyone close to her is crying crying crying. Of course it is a very sad time. But she will prob know that. If you have to take her just give her lots of love and cuddles and tell her everyone is sad bout losing great granny cos you all loved her. If it gets too much get someone to take her outside for a little walk during the service. lots of luck !

Alambil · 16/04/2009 09:49

Would she not understand "People are crying because great-nan has gone to heaven - it is very good for GN but we are so sad because we miss her - that's all..." ?

jabberwocky · 16/04/2009 15:16

Yes, I would explain it as LweisFan suggested. Children really can "get" quite a bit more than we give them credit for imo.

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