another lost sheep

[BetsyBoop]

This is probably going to be long, but I think my head will explode if I don't let it out...

I was brought up in a strict CofE home (Mum used to run the Sunday school, so going to church wasn't optional :D) I didn't do the common teenage rebellion thing, I even got confirmed while I was at Uni, much to my parent's delight.

For reasons I won't go into on here, I did the rebellion thing in my mid twenties and I am now what the catholics would call lapsed.

Roll forward 15yrs and I now have two small children and it's time to start thinking about schools for DD. I realise that it's important to me that DD has a Christian education, like I did, so that she has the option to make her own faith choices. My local church also do a monthly "nursery praise" service aimed at preschoolers & I've been taking DD to that & she is really enjoying it.

However it seems the more I go to the church the more I am drawn back to it & I think I want to start going to church again for "me" ,but I don't know where to start. It doesn't feel right that I just breeze in again after all this time & I also want to take my time to make sure it's the right thing for me. I also feel like I need some advice on how to get "back on the horse" so to speak.

What's best to do? Go along to one of the services & try & catch the vicar after for a chat? I have spoken to him before at the nursery school open evening, and he was lovely and really approachable (I'm sure he won't remember me though) I just worry that he's think I'm a little "odd"

Of course underlying all of this is my fear that some people will think I'm only doing this to get DD into the church school, but it couldn't be further from the truth. If that were the case I'd just go to a service once a month until the place is confirmed, without giving it a second thought (as some folks apparently do ) I can't deny that it's partly the reason that got me on tnis journey, but it's not the reason I want to continue it.

If you got this far thank you for your patience. I haven't got anyone IRL I can talk to about this (haven't even spoken to DH about it yet )

Any advice/thoughts gratefully received. This has been occupying my thoughts increasingly since before Christmas & if I don't do something, I think I'll go slowly mad

go, just go! I am sure that the vicar would be delighted to see you, go to the service and catch the vicar after it. See if you can have a longer chat to him/her and explain pretty much as you did in your op, including the comment about it not being about getting DD into the right school.

Also, if you want some informal fellowship, you can take part in the reluctant worshippers' thread, the Lent BIble study thread, or the prayer threads. We are a friendly bunch!

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wow, thank you for the quick responses

You are all right of course, I just need to pluck up the courage to get on & do it!

Sods law says I've a long standing engagement this Sunday during the day and evensong clashes with DC's bedtime, (see, I've been checking out service times ) so I either need to wait another week or perhaps go to the service this Saturday morning?

The advantage of Saturday is that I'm guessing it will be a quieter service, so easier to catch a word with the vicar, and sooner so I don't go mad waiting , the disadvantage is I won't be able to "hide" in the crowd if I feel the need

One more question

I don't feel ready/it's right that I go up for communion yet.

DO I just stay in the pew or can you go up & just get a blessing? It's been that long I can't remember what the correct form is...

You can go up and get a blessing if you'd like. Just keep your hands down, or carry a prayer-book up with you to show you're not receiving communion.

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just wanted to say thanks again for your support & to update you.

Well I finally plucked up the courage & went to the service this morning - to a congregation of 9 and as I'd 30+ years on the rest of the congregation I stuck out at bit (I'm told the Sunday service is around a 100, so I wasn't expecting it to be quite so quiet )

As soon as he came in the vicar came up & introduced himself, which was nice.

To my immense embarrassment I ended up blubbing at the end of the service . Everyone thought I was upset, but it was really a mixture of relief & feeling a bit overwhelmed, not sadness/upset at all. The vicar did come up & talk to me again once I'd composed myself a bit, but it was short & sweet (nice to see you, you are welcome any time sort of thing) as I think he was trying not to embarrass me further as he could probably see I was still on the verge of tears. So I didn't really get the chance to ask his advice, I'll see how it goes next time, maybe getting back in the swing of things will be enough to begin with?

Anyway that's the first time over & done with, hopefully next time will be easier & I won't blub

I feel much better for having gone & am already looking forward to next time, which will probably be a week tomorrow, unless I can fit something in sooner

Thanks for your posts justaboutindisguise, they help more than you can know.

I guess I should stop worrying about whether the vicar thinks I'm odd & realise that vicars, like doctors, have seen it all before!

I'd never hear of the "gift of tears" before, but I've googled it & it's really interesting.

I'm still not sure why I was crying, I wasn't sobbing but the tears were running down my face from after the blessing (I didn't take communion)& there was nothing I could do to stop them. I know for certain I wasn't feeling sad or upset.

The nearest I can think of to describe it in human terms is the feelings of relief/joy/love a mother must feel when her son comes home safely from active service.

I felt I was reunited with God and safe again & that a huge weight had been lifted.

So whether it was the gift of tears or not I'm not sure, but it doesn't really matter, what it has done is confirm that I made the right choice.

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thnaks Bloss, it's nice to kow I'm not the only one to blub

Another blubber here! When I started going to my current church, I used to sit near the back, slip out and have a good cry, then go back in again, hoping no-one had noticed!

So pleased to hear it went well Betsy

just thought I'd update all of you who were kind enough to post a reply on this thread when I started it, you all helped a lot Thank you

I've been to church at least once every week and after a chat with vicar he suggested I went to the Easter vigil last night to renew my baptism promises before I started taking communion again, as I felt I wanted to do things "the right way" (he did say whenever I felt it was "right" in my heart was okay too)

We also had a lovely Easter service today

So I'm now fully back in the swing of things & loving it

I'm also posting this for any lurkers who are searching for help/advice/info but don't want to post themselves - please give it a go, you've nothing to lose and potentially a whole lot to gain

That's fantastic, Easter is SUCH a wonderful time for new beginnings. Thanks for coming back and telling us, its lovely to read!