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Original poster

Catholics- question please r.e. converting

86 replies

JohnnyTwoHats · 25/02/2009 10:32

I have been considering Catholicism for a while- it seems to be the religion which most closely aligns with my beliefs. I used to go to a C of E church and both myself and my DD (5, nearly 6) are baptised C of E. I know there are RCIA classes in my parish but I'm worried about how I might be recieved as a single mother (long story, accidental pregnancy, resisted abortion due to my belief that it was inherrently a wrong thing to do).

Would there be an issue around this?

OP posts:

Original poster

JohnnyTwoHats · 25/02/2009 10:35

bump

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frogs · 25/02/2009 10:44

Hi Johnny

Have you been to the RC church you're planning to join? If you go to mass a few times you should get a feel for the atmosphere in the parish.

I'd have thought it's very unlikely that you'd be judged for being a single mother -- all my dc have been in catholic schools and there have always been loads of kids with nonconventional family arrangements. It's none of anyone's business, tbh.

If you attend Mass a few times and make an appointment to talk to the priest or catechist, they should be able to reassure you. If you start now, you'd have plenty of time -- I think RCIA courses usually run from the autumn to the following Easter.

Good luck!

Original poster

JohnnyTwoHats · 25/02/2009 11:08

I haven't been yet, no, but was wondering about going. Is going to Mass the best thing then? And I'm not sure if I should take DD or not?

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MaryBSearchingForaJob · 25/02/2009 11:18

I would say so yes, at least at first. I would go along to mass and take DD along too. Introduce yourselves after mass to the priest. No-one at this stage needs to know your personal circumstances, until you are prepared to say anything, if at all. Do you know if there are any facilities for children at your local RC church?

frogs · 25/02/2009 11:25

Yes, I'd just go and get a feel for it. The only thing you can't do is take communion, but I'm assuming you know that. You can go up for a blessing if you want to -- if you cross your arms across your front the priest will know not to give you communion.

It's up to you whether you take dd or not. Most churches will have one Sunday Mass (usually 9.30 or 10am mass) as a designated Family mass where there will be lots of other kids and may even be a children's liturgy during the readings.

The Saturday and Sunday evening masses (assuming you're in an urban area -- rural parishes may have only one mass at the weekend) are generally quieter, though even then there will be kids attending. It's your call really.

The only caveat wrt taking your dd would be -- if the parish has a popular primary school attached to it, then people may tend to think that your interest in the church is based on trying to get a school place for your dd. I know this probably isn't the case at all, but there is a sizeable minority who turn up with a 3yo in tow, attend until their child gets a place and then never show up again.

Original poster

JohnnyTwoHats · 25/02/2009 11:28

Yes, have been on the website and they have a childrens liturgy at the 9.30am service.
It will be pretty obvious am a single mother though, as I don't wear a wedding ring and I will be mentioning the fact that we are not currently catholics to the priest, no?
Am I right in thinking I should join in with everything except for communion?

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PrincessButtercup · 25/02/2009 11:29

I don't think there should be an issue. I help run RCIA classes in my church and we would welcome anyone who is considering converting. The groups are very friendly and informative. They should help to answer all of your questions and help you to talk through any issues that you have within a small and supportive group. I think that, along with attending mass, calling/seeing your parish priest about joining an RCIA group is the best place to start. I think it is often difficult to become integrated into a large, new parish especially if your children aren't in the local catholic school, etc. RCIA classes are an excellent means for introducing yourself into a parish. I'm sure that you will be made to feel very welcome.

Original poster

JohnnyTwoHats · 25/02/2009 11:31

Ah- well DD is in Year One- she's 6 in March, and ina good school already. I don't really think the situation in our town is as desperate as in a lot of places, as all the schools are good anyway so the local catholic schools are not too oversubscribed.

I am also unsure about what to say to DD- I tried having a discussion with her about Easter yesterday and I'm not very good at that. She told me that she believed that the sun was made by a dragon. So despairing!

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MaryBSearchingForaJob · 25/02/2009 11:34

To be honest, I don't think people will be even thinking of that or worrying about whether you're a single mother or not. But you could be divorced and choosing not to wear a ring anyway!

Yes, mention to the priest you're not currently Catholic, but again its not something you need to rush into telling him, unless you want to tell him straight away.

Join in everything except communion, yes. As frogs says, go up for a blessing if you want, instead.

Ask about RCIA classes too.

frogs · 25/02/2009 11:36

Johnny, I honestly don't think everyone will be looking at the ring finger of your left hand, I really don't.

Off the top of my head, among the dc's friends families there are loads of divorced parents, including several remarried or cohabiting, loads who wouldn't be considered married in the eyes of the church because they've chosen a register office wedding (that's me included) or because one of the parents has been married before. Really, don't sweat the small stuff. Unless you choose to go to confession with a priest at the Opus Dei end of the religious spectrum and spell your living arrangements out to him in minute detail, I really don't think anyone will be that interested.

And yes, you can't take communion. And if you do find the opportunity to chat to the priest you would mention that you're not currently a catholic but interested in becoming one. They should become v. keen at this point, new recruits are always welcome.

Oh, and some parishes have a little form at the back that you can fill in if you're new to the parish -- ours doesn't do this, but I have seen it elsewhere.

MaryBSearchingForaJob · 25/02/2009 11:37

There are good books for explaining things like Easter to a child. You could start with that. There are also some very good books which explain the Mass to a child.

Don't despair, my son thought the vicar was baby Jesus' daddy when he was 5!

Is your daughter used to going to church, or will this be something new for her?

thefunkypea · 25/02/2009 11:38

I did a two year RCIA course two years ago and was accepted into the church at the same time my dd was baptised. I found the people running the RCIA course incredibly open and receptive to challenge, and we were basically encouraged to question everything. It was a very inclusive course too, everyone welcome regardless of background, so I can't think you would have too many problems.

Jaamy · 25/02/2009 11:38

Perhaps if you go along to the 9.30 service with your DD she can go to the children's liturgy and start to pick up some things at a level that is appropriate to her. Hope you settle in. I can't imagine that there would be any problems and the church should be very welcoming.

We have just recently switched going to the church attached to the DDs (3 and 5) school rather then a church that is further away. We haven't experienced anything negative and DH actually feels more comfortable at the new church.

thefunkypea · 25/02/2009 11:39

Oh, and on the communion front, you can't take actual communion, but you can go up and get a blessing, which I found comforting, and also helped me to feel included.

DumbledoresGirl · 25/02/2009 11:40

Oooh how exciting for you! I agree that you should go to Mass as an opening move. I converted to Catholicism years and years ago (as a teen) and was lucky enough to have friends to take me to Mass in the first place. I would be a bit scared going on my own, what with the rituals and all. If you are at all self-conscious, I advise you to sit at the back or the side and make sure you have a missal with the order of service to hand (all churches have them).

I don't think the single mother thing need worry you at all. The church is very inclusive (or should be!)

Original poster

JohnnyTwoHats · 25/02/2009 11:44

Oh, am worrying too much over nothing. I just mentioned this to my friend and she put it very well. She said 'just plan to go to church on Sunday and you'll feel better just for having planned it'. And she is right.

Am a little bit worried (no, not worried, thats the wrong word. Apprehensive, maybe?) about what my family will say but I am going to deal with that by deciding on it being none of their business.

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thefunkypea · 25/02/2009 11:47

You might be surprised that your family are supportive. My family belong to the completely other end of the Christian spectrum, and yet they were pleased that i had found my own way. Good luck

Original poster

JohnnyTwoHats · 25/02/2009 11:48

DG- would you recommend trying to find someone to take me then?
I know a few people whose families are involved in this particular church, but who don't really attend any more. The guy I have been vaguely seeing recently is a Catholic, too, but I would feel slightly uncomfortable asking him at the moment because i don't want him to think I am thinking of converting because of him. Although he does know I have been thinking of going back to church, I haven't really mentioned it being a catholic one, as it's been a very private decision for me thus far.

I could ask a friend (or new man) to come with me. Actually, that seems slightly less scary as I would have someone to copy.

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MaryBSearchingForaJob · 25/02/2009 11:54

If you would feel happier going with someone, then I would go with them, but make the decision to go, as people say, and you'll feel better for it. Don't procrastinate!

I did it the other way round, as a former RC going to a C of E church. I then had to explain it to my RC family, but after initial surprise, they've got used to me being the black sheep of the family

Original poster

JohnnyTwoHats · 25/02/2009 12:00

Yes, I have been procrastinating for ages about this and it feels much better to just do it.

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frogs · 25/02/2009 12:00

Whichever way you do it, people won't be watching you to spot any false move!

Tbh every catholic church contains somewhere a couple of mad old ladies praying to a completely different rhythm to everybody else, and usually a good smattering of people who are only half joining in for whatever reason. Just sit near the back so that you can see when everybody stands or sits. Or buy a simple children's Missal which has a simplified form of the order of Mass and some explanatory texts about what the priest says/ is doing.

Original poster

JohnnyTwoHats · 25/02/2009 12:02

I might do both, frogs!

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frogs · 25/02/2009 12:04

Yeah, both is good.

There are some good children's missals around (though some have shockingly cheesy pictures, so choose carefully...).

DumbledoresGirl · 25/02/2009 12:57

Well, personally, yes I would recommend going with someone but that is very much a personal thing. I felt very self-conscious initially (bear in mind though I was a teenager - who isn't self-conscious then?!) and it helped to have someone with me who knew the ropes (not that I remember them specifically telling me what to do but I preferred to be with someone).

When I moved house and started at a new church a few years back, the priest approached me at the door and led me to sit with a regular parishioner who he knew was on her own. That was actually a bit too full-on for me, even though I had been a Catholic for years at that point, but I appreciated the priest was only trying to make me feel at home and introduce me to someone. Your church might do the same?

I don't know your relationship with your new man, but I imagine if he is a practicing Catholic, he would be delighted to take you along to Mass with him. Just tell him outright that it is something you have been building towards for years and has absolutely nothing to do with him!

But if you don't feel that is appropriate, go along by yourself. I am by no means implying that you need to have someone else with you. And being alone does give you the advantage of being able to look around a bit more and take in the atmosphere of the church without the distraction of having a friend next to you.

Original poster

JohnnyTwoHats · 25/02/2009 13:19

Hmm. Not sure what to do really, Man is practising Catholic, he doesn't go to mass every sunday, but I know he goes to church quite a bit by himself. and I know he would be really happy to take me if I asked but he hasn't really 'met' DD in that way and won't for some time so it might be inappropriate to all go along together IYSWIM. I might ask my lovely friend who I am seeing tomorrow, she is a Catholic.

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