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Original poster

Church Problems?

25 replies

tomkitten · 17/02/2009 12:20

I live in a small parish. We moved here 4 years ago from a larger parish where we were very much part of the parish community. I immediately felt welcomed in the new parish and would have said I was happy there, I?ve been involved with the (very small) children;s group, I?m on the rota for reading etc. My dc are very happy and relaxed there.
but?
just recently it seems like I have hit a brick wall. I feel like this sense of belonging has been an illusion and that there is a big glass screen between me and everyone else? I know nothing external has changed ? it is just my perceptions that have changed, but it is making me increasingly anxious about going to church and I am having bad dreams about it now. I?ve been creeping in to the church when no one else is there for some quiet time but I really don?t know what to do about it ? sit it out and hope it goes away? run away? or try and change something?.

OP posts:

MrsBadger · 17/02/2009 12:31

you have missed the top one - why not pray about it?

sometimes after a busy 'spiritual growth' phase we get to plateaus where it all seems to come to a standstill, and it can feel a bit crap

I take this as a moment to step back and consolidate / re-evaluate where I've got to so far - sometimes it means having a break from church, sometimes not.
If it;s making you anxious then don;t push it - send dh with the dcs instead and do some gardening or something. It'll come right in time

AMumInScotland · 17/02/2009 12:47

Has something else happened in your life to make you question how things are in church? It sounds like something has changed in your feelings - maybe that's just because we are always changing and developing, but it can also be because of other things that make us suddenly question everything that seemed certain.

Sometimes though you just reach a point where you stop and look at things, and realise you've been wandering along in a daze and not seeing them for real.

Without really knowing you or the situation, I wouldn't like to guess what the reasons are, but maybe you can think through it for yourself and consider whether it's something in yourself that is different, or if you're just noticing things which were always there.

Original poster

tomkitten · 17/02/2009 13:51

Thanks for your replies...
Unfortunately dh doesn't do church so I'm on my own in this one...I can't even discuss it with him.

If it wasn't for dc I would maybe drive to the next parish for a while to get some distance...but it is important to me that dc feel they belong - and they do. I don't want to deprive them of that.

I think if I could talk about this the glass screen would just disolve away and it would be fine...but I no longer feel I know anyone well enough to subject them to it.

OP posts:

DutchOma · 17/02/2009 14:40

The 'glass screen' feeling is a typical sign of depression, making things feel unreal. Are there other things in your life that have maybe made you feel depressed and because church is the one most important thing in your life it shows up most of all there.
If you think it would help to talk to someone in the church about it then that is what you must do, whether you feel like it or not.
As Mrs Badger says, prayer is the most important thing here and I would urge you to seek prayer support from someone in the church, even if you feel you can't speak to the minister (vicar).
The important thing to remember is that God has not changed and He has not changed His opinion of you. You are still His dear child and He wants the very best for you.

Notquitegrownup · 17/02/2009 17:21

Can't improve on DO's reply, except to say keep an eye out for the Christian prayer thread on MN too link here My dh is not a Christian either and I do find solace in being able to talk to and pray with Christians here on MN at any time of day or night. We are a friendly bunch, and of course, would be happy to support you in prayer as you seek to resolve this tricky one.

AbbyLubber · 17/02/2009 17:43

You know, this sounds like spiritual dryness, a kind of desert of the heart. It's normal, like pain in labour, and like that it hurts.

It also sounds like something might have happened to upset you? When did this glass wall drop down?

Prayer sounds essential and I'll pray for you too.

Original poster

tomkitten · 18/02/2009 15:27

Thanks?some food for thought there. I?m so glad you talk about prayer. I was beginning to feel I was the only one?

I can say when the glass screen came down ? even to the time of day, and where I was at the time ? but not why, which makes it a bit tricky.

It has helped me to put this into words here?

OP posts:

DutchOma · 19/02/2009 09:50

Keep talking Tomkitten. Maybe give us some pointers as to how we can pray for you?

MrsWeasley · 19/02/2009 10:00

tomkitten: I felt the same as you. The DCs and I used to go to church every week and we were involved in a few things/groups etc. I enjoyed the Alpha course, helped at sunday school once a month etc. then I just began to feel in church and couldnt put it down to anything in particular. I had the feeling that I wanted to tell the Rev. he was wrong about some of his sermons so thought it was an off moment on my part so began helping more in sunday school to keep out of the way.

When I went into the main church I felt as though everyone else was getting the message and I wasnt so I decided to have a break. I am still on my break and its been a few years now. I still think about why I dont feel comfortable in church anymore but not enough to start goin back again yet!

DutchOma · 19/02/2009 11:15

And nobody 'came after' you to ask what the problem was? or did you feel there was nobody you could share with?

MrsWeasley · 19/02/2009 16:00

No no-one bothered (sums it all up really doesnt it )
My friend who went and still goes, just assumed I was busy. We did used to have an activity before church so it is a possiblity.

Some church members see me around an always say Hi and ask how we all are.

I think because we were quite quiet and not pushy we just blended into the background abit.

DutchOma · 19/02/2009 17:40

I just don't get it. If you see someone in town and realise you haven't seen them in church for a while you ask, surely. Is it a very big church? Is there no structure for pastoral care? Do they not miss you in Sunday school?
Mind you, I don't know how much my church would miss me if I quietly faded out of the picture.
It's a sad feeling, isn't it and one to which there is not much answer.
In the end you go to church to find God, if it doesn't happen in one church it might happen in another.
But when all is said and done, churches are a collection of sinners and if you happen on the perfect church don't join it, you might spoil it.

MrsWeasley · 19/02/2009 23:51

Its not a really big church and I took our Brownies there in November and an elderly lady sort me out and said it was nice to see me back.

My non-attendance didnt happen overnight I really did try to work it out and work though it but in the end I managed to slip away. The whole church was changing and so were all the sunday school leaders. The whole church were asked if to sign up if we were interested in running any groups - I and some others(for a variety of reasons) didn't. Others did so it wasnt an issue for sunday school. New leaders didnt know who were helping previously.

I think if my absence was noticed then my friend would have been asked and she would have said that I wasnt there because I was taking the DCs to their activity (she did actually think this was true, she never asked me and I didnt feel I wanted to talk to anyone about it, infact I wish I hadnt mentioned it on here! ) By the time she knew the real reason a period of time had past!

Anyway I agree with comments that if one church isnt for you try another. I am personally not ready to do this yet but it is in my thoughts.

Original poster

tomkitten · 26/02/2009 16:30

Creeping back to this thread?I really don?t want to leave our church for all sorts of reasons, the church in one of the neighbouring parishes is lovely and would probably suit me better but it is quite a drive away and the dc are so well settled where we are, the local church is home. The problem is with me not the church. I tried speaking to our minister but it didn?t go well - he accused me of building walls between myself and everyone else ? which may be true, but didn?t help much ?I?m not sure who else I can talk to ? currently I seem to be doing my best to alienate everyone.

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 26/02/2009 17:07

Is it just church where you feel this way, or is it other aspects of life as well? And if it's just church, is it this particular church or "the church" in a general sense?

If it's life in general, then I think you need to consider DutchOma's comments about depression, and seek some advice and guidance from your GP.

If it's this church, then I think you should consider trying out the other church, even if your DC are settled - if you feel this church is just not right for you, then there's no harm in looking elsewhere.

DutchOma · 26/02/2009 17:56

It rings alarm bells with me that you say your minister 'accused' you...
Whether he really 'accused' you or whether he came over a bit 'off' doesn't really matter, you felt that the conversation did not go well and that is a real shame.
So you 'creep back on this thread', sweetheart, you have no need to 'creep'. Whether your church has the sense to value you or not, here on this thread you can stand tall and be loved and cared for.
I don't know what your best move is now, but keep talking to us and let us assure you that you are precious in God's sight, whatever your church circumstances.

Original poster

tomkitten · 26/02/2009 19:40

Thanks?
Maybe I was been a bit unfair when I said ?accused??I think he was just getting frustrated ? I probably wasn?t being exactly co-operative.
It does seem to be centred around the church ? I think I mean the parish community most of the time ? sometimes I mean something a bit wider than that ? when there is no-one around and I sneak into the church by myself it is not a problem. it only overlaps into the rest of my life insofar as I am worrying about it far too much and it stops me concentrating on other things.
I?m not sure what I am trying to achieve, it seems like I am trying to dismantle something that is important to me. I?m not sure why?

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justaboutindisguise · 26/02/2009 19:53

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AMumInScotland · 26/02/2009 19:57

Sometimes we just reach a point in our spiritual growth where a church which has worked well just isn't right any more. It can be hard to tell why sometimes, and it needn't be anyone's fault, but sometimes you just need to try something else and see where that takes you.

Original poster

tomkitten · 26/02/2009 21:19

Where I go, my children go. My mother fell out with our local church when I was a child - at the time I thought it was somehow my fault - and as a child was confused and felt that we had been rejected when we stopped going to the church. I don't want to do that to my dc.

OP posts:

Original poster

tomkitten · 26/02/2009 21:45

That's the dilemma really - if it were just me, getting in the car and driving to the next parish would be the obvious solution - at least in the short term - but it isn't just me.

OP posts:

justaboutindisguise · 26/02/2009 21:47

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Original poster

tomkitten · 27/02/2009 12:07

Lie to them? If I tell them the truth ? which is that I want to go to another church because I believe that the people at our current church don?t want us there (even though I know that they do), I?m not going to help them feel that they belong? I'm not sure that is what I want to communicate...I'd rather communicate belonging, not running away...

I'm going in circles...

OP posts:

justaboutindisguise · 27/02/2009 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

DutchOma · 27/02/2009 12:45

I've gone back to your original post Tomkitten and tried to find out what the problem really is. You say thatit 'seems' you have hit a brick wall you 'feel' things are different, your 'perception' have changed, that what was previously there was an 'illusion'.
These feelings impinge on your life and your unconscious thoughts (ie your dreams).
Is it possible that you give your feelings and emotions a bit too much reign and that (as Justa says) it would be good to concentrate more on the reality of your faith ie God loves you, He cares for you and these feelings are just that:- feelings that have no anchor in reality.
I would not run away, you take yourself everywhere and you know that people want you and your children in this church.
So I would go with your first suggestion in your OP:- sit it out and see if it won't go away.
Tell yourself you are happy that the children are settled, that nothing has changed and tell yourself that you are happy to be there too. It may not be strictly true at the moment but if you tell yourself often enough it may become true.
Feelings are just that and you don't have to believe what they tell you. The truth is that God loves you and that He wants you to be happy in holiness and service.

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