i think god has abandoned me

[thisweathersajoke]

I have believed for a while that I have made some bad choices and that God has disappeared from my life - or the spirit is out of my reach.

2years ago i was chosen by the people in my church to join a ministry development group within the church. I was an unusual choice many thought as i was only 31 at the time when the average age was 60.
My vicar said that he had selected me from others nomiated because he felt that God saw in me a potential to do good and that being part of the group would confirm my faith and draw me deeper into the church - i was considering joining the ministry at that time.
I was in a relationship at that time with my now H, who lived 200 miles north. To cut a long story short - I left my area and joined my H up north where we married early the following year.

But since i moved up things seem to have gone wrong, bit by bit. I cannot find a church to settle into, my husband was made redundant twice (works in catering) and his current job is not secure either. I don't seem to fit in anywhere in this area - I struggle to make new friends whereby I have never experienced this before and our relationship is suffering under the strain of financial worries and me caring for our DS (7mths).
I feel lost. I cannot connect when i go to church and I feel that i have brough this all on myself after leaving the path that GOd had chosen for me in my previous parish.

I know that it sounds stupid, but i feel that I might have been selfish in abandoning the plan God had for me to be with my H, and this is his way of showing me that i made the wrong decision.

I know that God is a loving Lord and a forgiving lord and has given us the most beautiful baby boy that i cherish every day - but wonder when i will feel him working in my life again,.

I know that the answer is prayer, but find it hard when i think that i am paying the price for leaving the path.

Am i crazy?

If you had suggested something to your child, because you thought it might be an appropriate choice for them, and they decided not to do it but to follow another path instead, would you punish them by keeping your distance from them? Do you really believe that a loving God would do that to you?

I don't know to what extent God "wanted" you to go forward for ministry, but I do know that God always gives us a choice in what we do, and loves us just the same whether we follow His suggestions or not.

Perhaps God wanted you to have a taste of the ministry development group, then spend time with your husband and child, then perhaps later in life have another think about what route you want to take? Who knows? We can never be sure of what "might have been", but just have to live our lives as best we can.

I think the reason you feel distant from God is that you are unhappy in your life at the moment, and feel that you have made wrong choices. It sounds like life is very hard for you at the moment - allow yourself to feel that, and don't punish yourself for making a choice which has had downsides. God really won't be punishing you for it, but loves you and wants to be in your life.

If you can't settle into a church (it can be desperately hard with a baby!) then try to find a little bit of quiet time to just pray or read your bible, whatever feels right for you, and let go of the hurt. God's there, and you'll feel him when you're ready.

This is what it says in 2 Tim 2:13 (The Living Bible) "Even when we are too weak to have any faith left, He remains faithful to us and will help us, for He cannot disown us who are part of Himself."

The promise of God is that He will never leave us nor forsake us. That's the truth.
Your feelings tell you different. What are you going to believe: the truth of God or your feelings?
AMIS is right, you are suffering under a burden of guilt because you think you have made a wrong choice. She is also right in saying that God always offers us a choice and never 'makes' us do anything. But you are suffering under a burden of guilt that God never meant you to carry.
Stay with us Christian mums for a bit, have a look on the Christian prayer thread and maybe there is something specific that you would like us to pray for.
We are starting the Lent study at the end of the month, maybe you would like to join us.
But the main thing I believe is to tell yourself over and over again that God loves you, that He died for you and that all your sins are forgiven, whether those are real sins or whether they are things that maybe you could have done differently but which are not real 'sins' at all.

Really? Just to turn this on it's head a little you are kinda saying God didn't want you to follow the man you and God chose and have the baby God gave you.

I think God gives you choices and you have made some amazing choices and brought yourself two great people to have relationships with

I think of the phrase 'Bloom where you're planted' and right now you are planted there. Keep yourself open to opportunities and enjoy this time with your new husband and beautiful baby.

Trust in yourself too.

Oh I can so relate to what you are saying. Ten years ago, I was growing in my faith and then moved town to get married, had children and it threw everything to sixes and sevens. I felt very anxious, very isolated and very far from God.

Looking back I think it was pnd. I am not sure if I could have done anything different, but it was a tough time. Since ds2 started school I have had a wonderful sense of God being close again. I am sure that he was here all along - looking back I can see that prayers were being answered, but I didn't really feel it.

The MN Christian prayer thread saved my sanity! We are over here if you want to join us. It was so good to be able to have Christian fellowship and support, without having to stress about nappy changes, wriggly toddlers etc. The Reluctant Worshippers thread is great too.

HTH. Thinking of you.

Thank you.

I am sitting here with tears rolling because all of your comments.

I felt that God had left me to 'lie in my bed', but hadn't thought that this might be part of my journey, not the end of my journey to faith.

I can see now that this is part of my journey, and this time will pass and i will be a stonger person afterwards. I hope that that time comes quickly.
It is easy i suppose to think that God has abandoned me but i forgot that he is there with us to make us stronger in the dark times and that he makes them livable - not that he doesn't care and inficts pain upon us.

You have helped me look at this from a different perspective.
Thank you x

Yes, specially if you're not getting to church much at the moment (or getting there but it's all a struggle), there's plenty of other Christian mums on here you can always chat to, whether you're looking for prayer or theology or just to talk nonsense with. We provide both . We've even got Lent Bible study coming along soon.

It's all a journey, and God is there with us, wherever we're wandering at the moment. And as justa says, maybe you're wandering just where he wants you to wander.

Personally I'm wandering all over the place but I'm sure He's still there and will nudge me back on track if I get too daft.

sorry for thread hijack, but can you tell me more about the reluctant worshippers threads?

I am a bit at a loss with my faith ATM, and have been looking for another way to get my head round it.

thisweatehrsajoke, you seem to have had good advice, hope you feel better about things soon

No worry about the hijack Ria, keep an eye on this board today and I'm sure you'll see it soon. You could also look back on the board a bit, or search for Reluctant Worshippers through the search facility. There's bound to be something there you might find useful.

thanks. I will check them out over the weekend. I am hoping to not take the boys to church this weekend ("dodgy" scary service this week I think), but to get with nature, so it may take me a while

So glad that you are feeling better Thisweather. Just wanted to echo what Justa said about dark times. Having been through a time where God seemed so distant to me, has made my relationship with Him so much more precious, and made me appreciate it very very much more than I did before.

God bless x

thisweathersajoke - I think that the first years of marriage and having children are hard in every aspect of life and that includes a relationship with God. I found that when I married and had my first dc I was like a fish out of water, and I felt the furthest from God that I had ever felt, it was so very hard and I really feel for you. I think part of it was adjusting to being a wife and mother and that being for a season where most of my love, time and effort were to go. Since then I have learnt that God loves me so,so much even if I can't DO or PRAY and even if I can't always feel his presence. Bless you xx