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Philosophy/religion

Join our Philosophy forum to discuss religion and spirituality.

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Original poster

Does it affect your marriage if your DH does not share your faith?

21 replies

Webstermum · 29/01/2009 18:28

Time to get to the root of something which has been building for some time. DH & I have been married for 12 years, mostly happily despite some stressful & traumatic times. We wanted desperately to have children & had 5 miscarriages before having our 2 DS's. Oldest is now 9 and has ASD.

Over the years my Christian faith has become increasingly important to me and has helped me to deal with all that has come our way. I would say that it is the reason we are still together as we came close to splitting up a few times and it was only the importance I placed on my marriage vows that kept us together. I just wish sometimes that we were singing from the same hymnsheet but DH is not interested. It's not that he stops me from going to Church or praying or anything, it's just not important to him in any way. Lord knows I have prayed for this to change but to no avail.

Does anyone else share this problem?

OP posts:

CarGirl · 29/01/2009 18:32

yes and no. It does make me sad that I can't pray with dh for our children and that spending time on "church" things counts as my hobby quota. I'm alway aware of how many evenings I've been out and stuff like that, we don't have people from church around for meals and stuff etc etc

DH admits that I was healed from depression a year ago but won't believe it as God that did it, apparantly after 20 years of depressions it' because I believe that I've been healed according to him!

Just keep on praying?

Tee2072 · 29/01/2009 18:38

I am very spiritual (although not Christian). My husband is a card carrying Atheist.

I go about my prayers etc and he just ignores them, basically.

We have touched briefly on how we want to raise our baby. He basically doesn't care so long as I leave him out of it!

He doesn't believe that it was prayer that allowed us to conceive after almost 2 years of trying. But I know different!

Original poster

Webstermum · 29/01/2009 18:49

But faith affects my whole life, every decision I make. How can we do this together if he doesn't understand that? I want my children raised as Christians, although ultimately I respect their decision to decide for themselves when they are old enough but he doesnt care if they ever go to Church. I just feel that other families where both parents have a faith are more together & get more out of worship than me on my own. We have had a few deaths in the family recently and it has struck me that he does not believe in an afterlife. What is the point of me believeing in an evrlasting life if he is not going to share it with me?

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 29/01/2009 18:52

There are plenty of families where one parent is more spiritual than the other. My brother and his wife are this way. Their children are 8 and 5. SIL takes the girls to church and such and my brother just doesn't go.

You obviously need to do what you need to do, but if you love him, then just accept that he will never be on board with how much your faith means to you.

Lots of couples stay together even with differing ideas on things. Celebrate the differences rather than dwell on them.

That's what I do.

Original poster

Webstermum · 29/01/2009 18:58

Of course I love him and there is no question of us going our separate ways over this. I just wish he wanted to be part of this part of my life but feel that no amount of prayers will make that happen. Better to accept the things I cannot change

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MrsFreud · 29/01/2009 18:59

I'm surprised you are only thinking abou this now Webster. surely this must have come up at your wedding? was it religious? did he just do it in a church to keep you happy?

I think its depressing how people let religion get in the way of their life. I've seen a good friend's marriage break up because thye want to bring their children up differently. How sad that a family breaks up over something that is so unimportant. Family is the most important thing in life surely!

Original poster

Webstermum · 29/01/2009 19:05

Who thinks about these things when you're young & in love with your whole life ahead of you?? As I said it's only over the years as my faith has become increasingly important to me that it has shown up as a great divide between us & also in our parenting which I couldnt possibly have foreseen. We're not breaking up I just wondered if anyone else shared my feelings that's all. Of course family is important but so is my faith, it doesn't get in the way of my life, it enhances it.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 29/01/2009 19:10

WEbstermum I met my now dh in the midst of a near break down, I did all sort of things at that time because my life wasn't focused on God at all at that time.

I found it really really hard to marry dh because he wasn't a Christian and that we may never have that bond. This was dispite us living together and having 3 children. Of course the irony was that living together was eating away at me anyway because it's clearly not right before God and got in the way of my relationship with Him.

Anyway no surprise (to me) that I was healed within a year of getting married, just wished I hadn't listened to Satan for so long.

I do find it lonely that he doesn't believe there's little point sharing "exciting" stuff with him because he just thinks .

Original poster

Webstermum · 29/01/2009 19:12

Have you ever had a God-incidence & wanted to share but you can't because he just won't 'get-it'?

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CarGirl · 29/01/2009 19:23

Yes loads. Like the fact I'm now working for a Christian (I'm self employed) who is feeling drawn to starting up a prayer for revival meeting, like I did 2 years ago......

Being healed.....

Lots of little things too.

Original poster

Webstermum · 29/01/2009 19:58

So am I making too big a deal of this? I just want to share everything that's going on with him & I cant but I guess there are worse things

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 29/01/2009 20:00

I definitely have, webstermum. Like I said, I prayed for this baby. And the month I prayed the hardest and with the most direct prayer (Please, God, let this time have worked. etc) is the month we caught.

I also prayed that our triple test would show such a low risk that we wouldn't have to do anything further. That also happened (1:1002!! I'm 40 next week, baby is due in June, so that was a big worry).

I will never tell Dh that I think the prayer helped. He would look at me like this .

Absolutely accept the things you cannot change!

Original poster

Webstermum · 29/01/2009 20:10

Tee I am so happy for you that your prayers have been answered & wish you well with pgy. Happy 40th next week, it's not sore I've been there! I will just have to share my God-incidences on MN

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 29/01/2009 20:30

Thanks webstermum. Its really hard being pregnant for the first time at my age, let me tell you! But it is worth every aching joint and uncomfortable day!

procrastinatingparent · 30/01/2009 13:46

Webstermum - I am not in your situation although there are lots of women in our church who are, and I've learned a lot through talking to them. They do find it very hard being 'spiritually single', especially when it comes to questions of how to bring up their kids.

There was a thread a while ago about this with some suggestions that might help, including books to read.

DutchOma · 30/01/2009 14:43

You may feel you need to give up on your dh becoming a Christian, Webstermum, but God will never give up on him.
Sometimes it is better to let God get on with however he wants to love your husband and to take your mind off the problem. After all none of us can 'save' anybody else, that is the work of the Holy Spirit. So long as you do the best you can loving God and loving your husband, the best will come out of it.
As for the afterlife, leave it with the Lord.
How are the children coping with church? Is it difficult for ds?

Original poster

Webstermum · 30/01/2009 16:24

Ooh pcp thanks for that! You lot have great memories! I can see my Amazon account taking a hit this month.

Dutchoma thank you for your wise words. Actually I feel better already just having shared how I am feeling. Don't have anyone in RL who would understand. DS not really coping with Church although that's the plus side of DH not coming with him as DS can stay home with him if needs be. DS finds it hard to understand (don't we all?) but our Minister is fab & they have long chats about stuff. He seems to take whatever the Rev says as gospel whereas I can never explain it very well We are lucky to have a family service which is much less formal & not too long so he can just about cope with it on a good day. I haven't given up yet it's just a combination of things making life hard at the moment but nothing compared to what some folks on here have to deal with

OP posts:

livvylouis · 30/01/2009 18:26

Hi webstermum, I know exately how you feel we have been married for 5 years and I have only been a Christian for the past 12 months. My DH is very supportive about my faith, he doesn't mind me going to church (even though I can be gone for hours), and respects the fact that I am bringing up our children as christians. But, and this is a big but, I can feel extremly lonely at times, when I try to share anything to do with my faith with him he just switches off! This is really difficult as my faith affects every part of my life.

I too have worried about him not being saved, the thought of an afterlife without him is heartbreaking.

Read 1 Corinthians 14: For the Christian wife brings holiness to her marriage.
1 Corinthians 16: Don't you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you?

Keep praying xx

cory · 01/02/2009 17:54

Dh and I have been together for 26 years and I have become more committed to my faith over the last years. Frankly, it is not causing major problems: on moral questions, there is very little to choose between us anyway. The sort of decision I would make because of my faith is the sort of decision dh would make because of his being the person he is.

We are bringing the children up to choose for themselves, and I would have wanted this even if dh had been a Christian.

It riles me when I hear my Christian friends speak of non-believers as people who don't feel any need to make moral decisions, who think that they can just live as they please. Well, no doubt some of them do, but not all. I think dh tries as hard as any Christian; he just doesn't know he is doing it for God.

mumofdjandbabies · 04/02/2009 15:55

interesting thread!

shoneshine · 12/03/2009 22:52

I am a Jehovahs Witness and my husband is a christened but not practicing Catholic. I want to teach the children about God and the Bible etc and he doesnt! Its probably the biggest difference in our lives but we love each other and muddle along!

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