Deep breath - just taken the plunge back to church

[chegirl]

Hello
I was a regular church goer for many years. I got a lot from my faith and from my involvement in my lovely, easy going CofE church.
We moved boroughs and I thought it best to find a local church. I didnt have much luck and then my daughter was dx with cancer. I was in hospital with her for the most part of two years before she died.
I couldnt bring myself to go back to church. I didnt lose my faith as such. I was just far too confused. I never prayed for things, money, even for me. I believed God gave us what we asked for just not the way we thought we needed. But I could not get my head round my daughter suffering and dying. How could I ever pray again?

But I have missed this part of my life and feel my two youngest have missed out too. So I have just started back at a local friendly church. It doesnt feel the same but then no part of my life is the same.

Has anyone gone through a similar thing? I dont blame God for my DD death. I just dont understand. I dont expect an answer to that. I wonder how others have dealt with this confusion and change.

Sorry for the ramble. Its v.important to me and I dont really have anyone in RL to talk to about it.

Oh chegirl, so to read your story.

I feel inadequte to type anything, but just wanted you to know someone is thinking of you.

One passage I think of when I hear of someone's loss is from 1 Thessalonians 4:

13Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. 14We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18Therefore encourage each other with these words.

I pray that really soon you are going to feel able to talk to God, because he wants you to so much!

(Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4)

Sa sad to read your story Chegirl. How could anybody understand what happened in your life. The only thing anyone could pray is that the comfort that your faith brings is not destroyed. Hopefully there will soon be people in your new church with whom you can share your story.
And hopefully as the familiar words come back to you, you will realise that God is still loving, still caring, for you and your children, both here on earth and in heaven.
Every blessing

Sad for you Chegirl.

Hope you find what you need at your new church.

Your confusion and need to deal with the change reminds me of something I read not long after my son was diagnosed with autism. I know it is not nearly the same but maybe on some level it will help you.

It was all about setting off on holiday to France - excitement, anticipation, expectation of that life and then on the way the devastating event happens after you pick your self up, dust off and realise you have to put your life back together and carry on living you realise you are in Holland. TO begin you don't like it, it is strange it isn't what you planned for, anticipated and expected but you get on with it and realise it has some wonderful things, the sun still shines. You know you'll never see France and remember what might have been but you can carry on in Holland and it gets better.

I think all you can do is take it a step at a time. Share your story when you are ready. Remember the joy your daughter brought and know that although you will never forget her and life will never be the same, slowly the joy will creep back in as you carry on living.

Just wanted to add my prayers. So sad that your daughter isn't in your life now.

I think it's completely ok to be totally over what's happened and for this to affect your relationship with God. You need some Big Questions answered, and He's got that answering to do for you.

Life won't be the same again, I'd never promise that to anyone who's lost a beloved one. It gets better, but it's never the same. But you need that support and those answers, and I really do pray that you're able to find them in a supportive church community.

Hello all and thank you for your messages.

Its my DD's birthday week so not an easy one for us.

Its nice that people understand that I am not REJECTING God rather I am struggling with my relationship. I think the big problem is that there is no answer to my questions and that worries me. What if I cannot come to terms with my faith and its relation to the death of my girl? What then? I cant suddenly turn into an atheist!

No pressure - anyone got the answer - s ok just a little joke .

So incredibly sad for you. I can't imagine anything worse than losing my daughter.

I did a lot of yelling at God at one point, when I had a miscarriage and got very ill myself. Someone pointed out that yelling was still a wish to communicate. That the parts of us that are angry need to pray too. So do the part so us that are crying. I think prayers are answered, though in odd and surprising ways.

Hi chegirl I'm so sad for your loss but happy for you that you have taken the first step by going back to Church. I had 5 miscarriages before having my 2 ds & although I still prayed I couldnt bring myself to go to Church. Now I'm part of a lovely Church family I cant imagine being without it and realise how much i missed it but i just couldnt be part of it. I continually struggle with my relationship with God it's all part of the journey. I dont pretend to understand what you've been through as my situation is totally different but with him at your side you'll get there. take care x