I wish I had faith....

[IsThereAnybodyUpThere]

I have been here for a couple of years, but have Namechanged because this is so personal and I know RL people who are on these boards.

I wish I had faith but I don't, and it is crushing me because I lost my father to cancer and I have nothing to grab hold of, no answers, no belief that he's gone to a better place, or that he in some way is "looking down on me" and my DC's and watching us put our best foot forward. He wasn't religious either, except that he had some vague leanings towards buddhism. He believed that when he was dead, that was it.

I have never felt like this before. I don't think I have believed in God since I was a child. I went to Sunday school even though my parents weren't church goers, because it was like the local youth club and was more of a social thing. But to be honest, I never really "felt" a connection to it all.

I feel incredibly jealous of people who do have faith. I want some too - anything to help me through all this, but I can't just switch it on, can I? And isn't it incredibly selfish to just want the benefits now when I haven't put any time into it?

I feel very at sea.

i don't think it's about having earned it tbh, by having studied it or something. Faith, is a universal belief in something, but 'what' nobody really knows.

I think that losing your father would produce these feelings wether your had a 'fatih' or not. I understand what you mean tho, about wanting to hold onto something and get relief or comfort. I believe that you have faith, you have understanding, i think we all do to a lesser or greater extent, it's what is within us individually.

Posting on here, is how i see faith, i don't see it as a uniformed, clandestine club, it's ok to see it as a unity of the human being and being human. TBh thats the crux of it. Perhaps you just need to reach out, like you have done? x

Do you really want faith, or just the comfort faith brings?

So sorry to hear you have lost your father.

No, I don't believe its selfish to "just want the benefits now". Its a perfectly natural feeling.

I'd like to suggest you try asking God to come into your life, but that is a decision for you to make, if that is what you want to do. I know I did that once and it made a huge difference.

This post isn't about trying to convert you to Christianity, its about wanting you to find the comfort and support you need.

Pirate - you are right because just reading your post has brought me to tears and I haven't cried for weeks. I do need to reach out, and it's hard because my mum is so in pieces, everything is about getting her through this, and when I'm not on that duty, there's two children and a house to run...it doesn't really feel like there is time for me to process all this. Either that, or I'm afraid to go there. Afraid to be so sad.

Mary - right now, I think I just want the comfort that faith brings, which is why I clumsily try to acknowledge how selfish that is. I don't really know or have an understanding of how faith would enhance my life beyond comfort in bad times - sorry, that probably makes me sound incredibly obtuse.

I suppose I mean that I do very much try to live my life according to some strong principals of right and wrong, of belief in community, of obligation to your fellow beings. Things that all faiths seem to preach - taken in their truest, most honest form that is. I suppose I would respond to the sense of belonging to a group of people united by something, but what that something is, I am so unsure of.

Isthereanybodyupthere, I have been in your position, and I didn't find that my faith brought me much comfort really. I think perhaps it depends on what kind of person you are, but for faith to bring comfort you need to accept that you'll never know all the answers (and I find that hard!) For me, I try to let my religion guide my way of life and it is 'hope' that there is something else rather than faith that keeps me going.
I take it that your loss is quite recent - I think you need to take some time just to figure things out - don't be hard on yourself and expect to have all the answers immediately - it takes a lifetime of work!
Have you tried talking to a priest (or some other spiritual leader that you feel comfortable with) about this? That is what they're there for so you should think about it!

I think Faith is a separate issue. You have lost your father, and you are mourning. Possibly, you think Faith will take the hurt away and bring you some comfort. Maybe that if there is God, and you believe you will meet your father in the afterlife.

I have Faith.

My uncle did not. I loved him very much and we were close as he lived together with our family. He passed away nearly 5 years ago. We spoke about it at lenght. He believed that he would just rot, be eaten by maggots and turn to earth. He did not believe in any soul, and no afterlife. When he died there would be nothing. His belief comforted him. I now take strange comfort in the fact that he had this belief, even if it conflicted with mine, and that he passed away safe and comforted in the knowledge he would "be one with nature" as this was the way of things. It brings me relief to know that he was at peace with his belief.

Faith may not solve this for you.

However, I am not sure if I believe that he is nothing, and that death was The End for him. I have not pondered this too much, as the questions are to heavy for my head at this point in time.

I wish you the best.

I really thank you ladies for taking the time to talk to me on this thread. Just back from work now and DC's in bed.

I have a strong sense that if I believed in an afterlife I would feel more at peace.

I feel embarrassed to say that my father's death is not that recent. Well, he died about 10 months ago. I feel like my grief has been stunted, shelved, for self preservation and for the sake of my mum. There is only so much talking I can do about dad without my heart tearing open, and that is used up counselling her through these choppy waters. Her loneliness, the practical issues of housing, all his stuff etc.

I remember driving to work in those first couple of months. I work in central london. The sun in the morning would break through the clouds in the blue sky over such a majestic skyline that I just felt I could see my dad, feel him up there in the sky. I just wanted to run up an invisible ladder and join him.

It seems such a childish notion of heaven, but it's where I wanted him to be. The desire to have some conviction that I will be reunited with him in some way is gut wrenchingly raw, and yet I know, or at least feel I know this can't be true....and yet I so want to believe.

To be honest, I am crying so much reading and writing this thread that it is giving me a space to grieve and to let out so much pent up sadness. You are all very perceptive in that this, in so many ways is about mourning. And yet, DH will say he is an atheist whilst I cannot ever really bring myself to say that. I always decide ultimately I am agnostic. Something won't let me let go utterly of the idea of something other than this earthly life.

Sorry, the above is very much rambling.

10 months isn't very long at all. And you're not only bearing your own burden, but that of your mother too.

Have you got anyone supporting you? Other than your DH, someone not so close who can support you in your grief?

I miss my dad, yet it is 12 years this year, since he died. His grave is decorated with flowering plants, and the children and I call it "Grandad's garden". We don't get to visit it as often as we like, but it is strangely a place of peace. It is also a place of life, with all those plants...

I do have my sister, but we just don't seem to talk about it. She is coping with her new and first baby, so her life is upside down. I get along very well with her, but we have never shared our innermost feelings.

We never discussed love, boys or any of that personal stuff growing up as we are such different personalities, but we have grown closer as we have got older.

I know she's there for me, but also that she is not finding being a new mum easy at all. She's shattered and feels like her life has been blown apart by this last year. Whenever I talk to her she always seems so tired I feel bad for taking her time. Also, if I'm honest with myself, I find it incredibly difficult to open up and bare my soul, so to speak. The words seem to get stuck on the way up.

My dad's ashes are scattered a long way away from where we live, but in a place that was very special to him. To think of that place does give me some peace because it it a beautiful spot.

If not your sister, then a friend? It sounds like she's got too much on too. Maybe an organisation that deals with bereavement, like cruse? Or perhaps someone who knew/was a friend of your dad?

Thanks Mary. I have a very good friend coming to see me this Saturday and we are going to go out for dinner. I think it's the perfect time to off load some of this. She's a good listener and I've been there for her through the years as she's struggled with single life (though happily now living with a lovely man).

Am going to sign off now. Thanks to all.

Off to resume my normal MN identity and engage in some more lighthearted nonsense

10 months is nothing Isthereanybody...I take a bit of comfort in the idea that heaven is something more wonderful than anything we could ever dream about.
After my dad died, I could see some pretty obvious signs that he was there looking after me - have you noticed anything like that?
It's easy just to brush things away as coincidence or wishful thinking - but I make the choice not to do that!
You'll be in my prayers.

You're in my prayers too.

For me, because I can't really 'feel' God (wrong disability brain wiring, drat), it has to be done through logic. Science knows there's many more dimensions than we thought. They know that we have no clue how the universe came into being, really. They know that God is possible, as they cannot disprove His existence (or Hers, if you prefer). I know that therefore heaven most certainly can exist, as can God. And to me, it makes sense that there is more to life than just a pile of chemicals and then nothing.

Even if your Dad didn't believe in God as such, I'm pretty sure God believes in him.

For me, God is some(one) to lean on, to talk to about things that only really make sense to me, to rant at when things go wrong (poor God ). I wouldn't be without the knowledge of Him, ever.

So, if you feel a faith would comfort you, there's nothing wrong with that at all. That's what faith is for

Isthereanybody - I think that lots of people's search for faith starts with the death of someone close to us. Apart from the bereavement process, which is a very important and at times painful process, death also focuses our minds on mortality and makes us think . . .

If you really would like faith, then why not take a first step by asking God, if He is there, to show you that He is real? In my experience, it is a good first step to take, and one which might lead you onwards to goodness knows where . . . .

sorry, were you IsThereAnybodyOutThere before? The way you typed is just like it?