Any other unmarried Christians?

[TinkerBellesMumandFiFi2]

I thought I'd start a thread to see if I'm alone after a post I just made on another thread.

I am a divorcee and in a relationship with the father of my three children. He's still married to his ex, they've been separated for longer than we've been together of course! We would have married a long time ago but his ex has refused to divorce him - despite being in a relationship herself with two children - first she said she'd do it DIY, then when they got to 5 years and when he tried to do it before she made excuses about stupid things on the divorce paper. Now he's got past five years we're trying to get the money together. I'm not too bothered about being unmarried, although I would like to be, for many reasons.

I don't mind what you want to talk about, as long as it's not telling anyone they're sinners going to hell as I'm fed up of that attitude IRL. What attitudes have you come up against from other Christians? Do you have a reason for being happy to be in a relationship without being married (not that I'm asking you to justify anything, just trying to start conversation)? Erm... anything else?

Hi
Good on you for starting this really interesting thread. For three years I was in a similar situation as you- unmarried with one DD and wanting to go to church. (DD father was married with children).

I'd been looking for a spiritual home for years and when I had DD I really wanted to put down some spiritual roots.

I had the following experiences:

I went to Mass for a time but felt awkward /embarrassed about going there as I seem to have broken quite a few fundamental rules, (I'm a baptised /non-practising Catholic).

I tried a rather evangelical C of E church which had a great toddler group I but felt like an outsider / fallen woman/ surrounded by a sea of smug marrieds. I gave up on that.

The only place I felt where I could be myself was at the Quakers - as they're completely non-judgmental and chilled out.

Anyway I'm now married to a devout aetheist and my DD loves reading her Bible..... so I now have a whole new pile of problems to contend with!!!

Not sure if my experiences are of relevance but I'm really pleased that you've raised this subject

I'm not surprised you felt welcome at the Quakers as they don't believe in marriage in the way we see it. Their ideas have shaped my views, not that I am a Quaker but I know they're sound and I understand their ideas. My uncle has written a book on divorce and he talks about their ideas in there.

Our main opposition came from one minister, who was our minister at the time. Mum asked him for use of the church for the funeral of my first daughter. He asked why we couldn't just have a quick service at the crem. My partner who has only started going back to church since we've been together doesn't understand why that upset us, I guess so many Christians have cremations these days that often even Christians don't think about it but we felt that he was saying as an illegitimate child she wasn't good enough for a proper Christian funeral. When Tink was born and in the NNU we had no visit from him or the church. We asked him to Dedicate Tink and he refused as God doesn't bless illegitimate children! Just to make it worse, he had not long before Dedicated the illegitimate child of one of the youth who's partner was Muslim, he'd even offered to Dedicate my brother's children, they don't even go to church.

He was so nasty to us in that one meeting that my partner nearly didn't go back to church, he'd been hurt by the church before and it had taken a long time to get him to come back with me. He's managed to clear most of his church now and I think they're probably in a lot of debt because they've bought a plot for a new build and paid lots of money out on clearing it and architects, so I don't think we need to worry too much about his opinion!

Just read through this, not a lot of time to really think about it, but don't want to let it go unanswered.
I think this is another case where what the church does is totally out of step with what God thinks.
I'm so sorry that both of you have had horrendous experiences with two different churches and vicars.
The only thing I would like to say is that, from all I read in the Bible, God loves us, literally, to death. He loves us so much that He died for us.
Just for the moment let's not go into the wheres and the whatfors, just spend a few moments snuggling up to God, experiencing that love.
Just let me say it again:- HE LOVES YOU. He knows all about you and He still loves you.
He loves your children, He is caring for your little one that had no life here on earth, He cares for the men in your life.
My prayer is that you will experience the blessing of that knowledge today.

Oh DutchOma, what a lovely message. I think we could all hear that more often!

I would consider myself a Christian, even though I go to church only a handful of times a year (currently), but I'm not married to my DP. We are about to start TTC and he was quite worried about how my family would feel about that as we aren't married. I didn't think it would be that big an issue, that they would just love the fact that a baby was on the way (not many born in our family for the last 30 years). However, when I mentioned it to my mum that it might be something we were thinking about she gave me the biggest lecture about how crass (no joke) it was to be unmarried and have children!!!

Yet it was acceptable to her to have a quickie marriage in the local registry office! (I wouldn't want that) She told me it was totally hideous to have your own child follow you down the aisle!

I was truly taken a-back. My sister is gay and so the chances are slim that she will start a family so you'd think my Mum would be more encouraging of having the only grandchildren she might ever have!

I haven't told my DP what she said. We're not adverse to getting married, but when we do, we want to do it properly. That costs rather a lot of money, which we'd rather not spend on a wedding right now (if we had it). It would also put back ttc for several years, which we don't want to do.

Oma is right - God loves us and whatever anyone else thinks is up to them.

Tinks your priest sounds like an utterly horrible man. Is there another church/cathedral you could attend locally so you don't have to suffer his victimisation?

You are so right Dutch and that's also part of the reason why I was happy (OK, I'd prefer to be married but I know it's not possible ATM) to be in this position.

Lisey we moved church after that!

I don't get to church very often anymore because of my mobility and we don't have a car. You can still be a good Christian without going to church.

Something that can be interesting to ask a Christian - especially one who is knocking your decisions - is to define the Biblical idea of marriage. The Bible doesn't define marriage, how it should be done or anything. Black slaves used to get married by two people holding out a broomstick and the couple would jump over it (which is where the phrase jumping the broomstick comes from) different parts of the world have different ways of getting married, is any of them more real to God than another? I personally think that the commitment to each other is more important than the legal ceremony (I know of Christians who have had the whole ceremony without the legal part). My uncle said that we get married three times - once in front of God, once in front of our friends and once in front of the law - and that the three aren't always done on the same day.

Lisey, I'm looking forward to having my daughters be my bridesmaids! My first daughter is dressed like a bridesmaid with a beautiful medieval gown (I made myself) and we're planning on having a medieval wedding. If your mum is so against having your children follow you down the aisle, do things American style, have the party walk down the aisle first!