How to forgive someone

[Allwillbewell]

Hi Everyone,
Happy New Year.

Here's a biggie to start the new year with and its a problem I have to deal with constantly.... how to forgive someone.

My DD's natural father (what's the acronym) see's her intermittently and for never more than a hour.
He has not seen her over the Xmas holiday. She last saw him over two weeks ago, he phoned before Xmas and phoned yesterday.
I am appalled by his behaviour but he always has a raft of reasons for his action. (His other children, his wife, he was sick, etc....) DD is now rising 5 and the erratic behaviour of her natural father does upset her. Over the years I've tried and pleaded with him to see her more often because I'm concerned about the long term impact this will have on DD but this has had no effect

The good news is DDnow has a v kind and loving step father. Good news also is that her natural father is paying her school fees.

If I could forgive DD natural father his appalling behaviour and accept it - I would save myself so much energy, but it's easier said than done. All suggestions welcome.

Thank you xx

Two issues here - 1) you finding some way not to get cross about this more than you have to and 2) him behaving himself.

Forgiveness is, I truly believe, only appropriate if the other person has stopped doing the hurtful things, and realises how much hurt they've caused. It has to be in the past for it to work, otherwise it's can be just an endless cycle of them smashing people into the proverbial ground whilst people try to pretend they don't mind or can't see it.

Some people find peace in forgiving past actions, but these aren't past actions. He's still doing it, and he's not in the least sorry about it as far as you've told us here.

Sometimes rightful crossness at someone's wilful behaviour(not viciousness, not revenge, not wild anger, not hatred) can be exactly the right response. He needs to understand how this hurts his child.

Jesus said that if people misbehave, tell them. If that doesn't work, get someone else to tell them. If that doesn't work, get your church to tell them. If that doesn't work, you're right to want nothing more to do with them. That's what it says in the Bible. Jesus was the one who picked up a whip and chased the moneylenders out of the Temple. He knew how to forgive people who were totally ignorant, and ones who truly said sorry and meant it and changed their ways, but he wasn't about to take nonsense from people who knew better than that. I think your daughter's father knows better than this. He needs to be sorry. He needs to stop it. It's a faithful and appropriate response to be cross at his behaviour (rather than angry at him, if you can see the difference)?

Shall pray for there be an answer to this, and peace enough for you.

It's a difficult issue Allwillbewell, because you are angry on your daughter's behalf and I think you would feel it wasn't right for you to forgive your daughter's father for the hurt he is causing your daughter and his.
That's the first thing.
The second is that I don't agree with Amber that forgiveness is only appropriate when the 'sinner' is repentant.
I don't know how far you have come on your Christian journey and so what I am saying may not find a home with you, but I have to say it anyway and it is from a purely Christian point of view.
When the Jews crucified Jesus they were doing the worst thing in all history. Nothing could be worse than to put to a gruesome death a man who had never hurt anybody but had blessed many, many people. And it wasn't just that they killed Him, there had been slights, misunderstandings, hurts all during His life and YET: He prayed to God that He would forgive the people who did that to Him. They were not in the least repentant and yet He prayed that God would forgive them.
That brings us to the next step: because of what Jesus did God can forgive us too. Whatever our 'sin' we can still have a relation with God. That DOES depend on our repentance and our desire to lead a new life.
That then in turn leads us to be in a new relationship with our fellow men. However much they have hurt us, we can forgive them, because Jesus has forgiven us.
That does not mean that we have to brush what other people do to hurt us under the carpet in an "oh, it doesn't matter" attitude, far from it. The hurt that people cause us can be excruciating and can take years to deal with.
BUT: once you have marked the bad behaviour as 'sin' as being 'out of order' you can then make a conscious decision to forgive, because you are not perfect yourself and you have been forgiven by God.
That leaves the fact that you have to deal not only with your own anger, but with your anger on behalf of your daughter. Again, what her father is doing is not right, but once you have told him and told him again, there is not much else you can do.
Your anger won't hurt him, but it will hurt you. On the other hand forgiveness will set you free, as someone has said:forgiveness benefits the forgiver first and foremost.
I hope you will be able to have a think along these lines, it is difficult, I realise that very well. But the Christian life is a totally revolutionary kind of life, and it takes a lifetime to come to terms with it.

"Although forgiveness is something freely offered, forgiving is a
relational event which in order to be complete requires a response from the
perpetrator. In Christian thought genuine acceptance of forgiveness involves
repentance by the perpetrator, which embraces both admission of wrongdoing
and sincere and realistic determination to act differently in the future."

by Revd Christopher Jones, one of the theologians for social justice in the Church of England

But is he talking about the relationship between God and man in which case I totally agree with him, or about forgiveness between people, in which case I do not.

Our actions toward our fellow man should not be determined by what they do or don't do, but by what God requires.

I think you are contemplating acceptance of his behaviour rather than forgiveness. To forgive someone they need to be truly sorry for what they have done and he obviously isn't as he keeps doing it!
My personal opinion is that you should not accept his behaviour but keep encouraging him to change - only if he does can you forgive him. I know that must be quite hard on you and will take a lot of energy, but it is my belief that it is the right thing to do.

DutchOma, he was talking about people who are appalling to their partners and children in marriages. He's the leading theologian in the country on the subject. And a lovely man, too.

The risk is that you spend a long time for the other person to 'repent', time you could spend in freedom from anger because you have forgiven them and moved on.
There are plenty of instances where people have forgiven people that have unbearably hurt them (and had no idea of being sorry)and have been better off for it. It's not something that anybody can prescribe to anybody else, because the hurt can be so very, very severe, but if you can work towards it there are enormous rewards.

Yet what worries me is the huge amount of incidences we came across in (for example) domestic violence where people approached a church and were told they absolutely must forgive that person or they were as bad as the person who'd treated them or their children so badly (whether physical violence or otherwise). Some churches are brilliant, some people in churches are brilliant, but not enough.

When we did research, we found that only 2 out of every 100 victims of domestic violence tell their church, because they truly fear being told to forgive, told it is their hard work of forgiving and reconciling and 'being a good wife' that must make the difference. But they're already exhausted and scared for their children because they don't want to see the pain on the child's face any more. Almost always, the partner who does the harm is 'let off the hook' by the church. He was stressed, he had too much going on, she must have nagged him, he had a bad childhood, he does a lot for the church so we should be good Christians and forgive him (or her as the case may be) etc etc.

I think more than anything else they wanted a friend, someone who could say "Heck, that's awful - ok, here's some practical advice and people you can contact about this...and we're here for you, we can help you through this". Not quite what usually happens, alas. It's why we wrote the national guidelines to help churches.

Letting go...that can be a different thing. Letting go of the pain, letting go of the negative things, to concentrate on getting safety and as much security as possible for everyone, yes. But to my mind (which admittedly works differently), forgiveness is different - and so often people who are nasty see being forgiven as a victory and a reason to continue doing whatever it is again and again. I'm wary of it if it's still ongoing.

That's just my view. People can ignore it completely, and that's no problem at all, but it's a view based on a lot of experience.

So much pain speaks out of your post, Amber. I don't want to argue and cause more pain, as you have told me a little of your personal story and I'm sorry about the pain you've been caused.
To me there is not the distinction you make between forgiveness and letting go and I know that neither would be possible without the power of the Holy Spirit.

Thanks v much for all the very thought provoking replies.

I shall now contemplate them all and think about what path to take.

In haste - supper is burning......