Difficult situation with family- what would you do?

[Jic]

My brother is getting married next summer and my FSIL asked me to be a bridesmaid. I said yes. No problem so far, until you add in the fact that I converted to Islam four years ago and cover my hair and dress modestly. My family have had a lot of difficulty accepting my conversion, which I fully understand, as they are very strict Christians, my brother is a minister too. I feel very much in the middle between what I believe in and pleasing my family. They can't stand me wearing the scarf and whenever we see each other we ALWAYS discuss what I've done. Their view on it is, I've made my bed, now I have to lie in it, even though I've been happily married for 6 years and now have two children. I'm starting to feel like a second class citizen just because of my life choice. This has suddenly got worse recently because of the upcoming wedding. It's my fault for saying yes in the first place to doing the bridesmaid thing but I guess I just wanted to please them after always feeling like such a failure. Anyway, I told them that sorry, I can't do it after all because of the dress issue and sorry for saying that I could, I was silly to it.

Anyway, they are very upset now and I feel dreadful because I don't know how I'm going to dress for the wedding. If I wore my scarf I'm sure there would be hell to pay and if I take it off for that one day then I would definitely not feel comfortable. Any advice welcome, this is stressing me out!

I think you should stand up for what you believe in.

They already knew you are Muslim when they asked you to be bridesmaid. They should have realised that it was going to be an issue and either worked it so that your bridesmaid dress complied with your beliefs or chosen a different bridesmaid.

well you could do several things:

1. wear the dress and just wear your hijab around it.

1. make your own version of the dress to suit your covering needs.

1. if it's the hijab look that offends them then cover up with something else, after all it's really all about modesty, not assimilation...so cover up creatively? bolera and a scarf to cover your chest and neck, a hat for the hair? longer skirt for the dress

1. wear exactly what you want in similar colors as the bride has requested? don't back out though.

i should add

some families even muslim ones never really accept hijab. eventually when they do start to accept the decision they don't really understand how to work with it. but i'm sure they want you to be part of the wedding.

Option 5 - take the mature approach and moral high ground by having a conversation with your FSIL about it. Why don't you simply explain your feelings about modesty and ask her if she has thought about this after all bride usually chooses or has major say in what bm's will be wearing). If she is not comfortable with what you would like then politely decline and wish her all the best. Keep your dignity and rise above it all.

I don't think you should compromise your beliefs. As strict Christians they should understand that. In fact many strict Christians believe that a woman's head should be covered - you might like to remind them of this! I know its their special day, but they must be able to come to some compromise with you - maybe they could help you pick a new scarf, that you would both deem "weddingy"? I think you come across as very tolerant, its a shame they cannot be the same.

I know that the Christian belief is that salvation is through Jesus, but you/we still worship the same God! To them its a bit more than just a "life choice", but I think they could be a little more accommodating of your faith.

Thanks all for replies. I had thought of modifying the dress so that it looked more like what they would approve of but I thought it might end up drawing more attention to the situation. I will have another chat to FSIL to see if there is any compromise to me made, thanks for all suggestions.

I would chat to your FSIL, there are probably far fewer issues than with your family. I don't see why you can't fit your dress into the bridesmaid outfit. If she is approachable you could probably find something that suits you both.