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Philosophy/religion

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a question for asian mums or muslims about loving your father

13 replies

vannah · 02/11/2008 20:20

hello,
Not sure if you will be able to relate to this but some of you might. My parents are originally from pakistan, and I was born and brought up here. I have a peculiar relationship with my parents, I can talk freely to my mother and argue with her/share problems. But with my father there is a respectful distance. I couldnt really have a 'personal' conversation with him, eye contact is minimal...thats just the behaviour we have learnt - presumably from my mother...

Anyway, my dad is old, and in the past few years I have come to realise what a sincere, good and noble man he is. I love him so much I could cry. Yet I cant show that to him. We dont hug in our family and we dont say affectionate things: would cause embarrassment.
My mother, I like less and less. She is bitter and quite cold. I avoid visiting because Im not welcome by my mother and brother who lives there. Yet I miss my dad.

My question is this: For a year now I have been trying to pluck up the courage to write my dad a letter to let him know how much he is loved by me. But I am so embarrassed. Would he be awkard in my company afterwards?

Is there any way I can word it so as to cause less embarrassment?
will post this in multicultural too..

thankyou

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vannah · 02/11/2008 20:22

sorry i forgot to say that anyone can answer this, you need not be only asian or muslim, just worried you might not understand this type of relationship thats all...

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BlueGreen · 06/11/2008 10:27

I see what you mean. Im also Muslim and the country Im from has this kind of problem. Altho not in every family( thanks god our family wasnt one of them). My father would play with us, kisses us so we but his elder brother wouldnt infact his children were dead scared of him. Which is sad!

They think its a respect thing which is very silly really. Kissing or playing with your kids in front of your parents considered you disrespecting them(its stupid). So I know where you are coming from.

If I was you, I would call and tell him what you feel about him before its too late. Better meet him. There is nothing to be embarressed for, you are his daughter!

maretta · 06/11/2008 10:32

I think from what you say, you should write a letter. There would be nothing worse than to regret not having done it when the chance has gone.

Otterchocdog · 06/11/2008 10:51

I think even in a culture or environment where affection is not expressed physically due issues of familial respect, people still feel all the usual emotions: overwhelming love for your children, pride in their achievements, sadness at their difficulties etc.

Would it be possible to write a letter to your father expressing your love and gratitude at his being a sincere, good and noble man? I'm sure there would be no need for embarrassment if you phrased it in "respectful" terms. It would be a private thing between the two of you and he would undoubtedly see the love behind your words and I am sure he would appreciate it. He is a product of his culture and conditioning, as we all are, but he must have a need to be loved and appreciated too. Also, you would be fulfilling your own need to express how you feel.

My father died young and it is only as I grow older that I can appreciate unusual and inspiring things about his character that have influenced me and that I am grateful for. I wish I'd had the maturity and presence of mind to appreciate this at the time, but I was only just out of my teens when he died.

Write the letter.

Tyme · 07/11/2008 22:26

I understand your situation totally.

Write to him. He may be surprised and slightly embarassed but it will mean a lot to him too. He is a human being and does have feelings.

Don't let it be something you regret.

PussinJimmyWhoooos · 07/11/2008 22:32

Islamically - the Prophet (PBUH) talks about showing love and kindness to our parents - there is no question about your love for your father and I think writing the letter would be the right and a lovely thing to do.

Incidentally though, and speaking as a Muslim, I think you should try if you can to visit and ignore your mum and brother if you can - family ties in Islam are so important and its our duty as Muslimahs to maintain them where we can.

I appreciate your struggle...my Mum and Dad are divorced due to my Dad having an affair and gambling which does not sit good with my faith (am a convert to Islam) but I will be making contact with him at some point as Islamically, its the right thing to do for me iyswim?

Hopes this helps a bit?

vannah · 11/11/2008 21:59

many many thanks for all these really encouraging replies, im sorry i didnt see them sooner. Actually forgot I had posted here too...
Well I wrote the letter and then went through all the drama of plucking up the courage to actually 'leave' it discreetly on his shelf. That was a week ago. I didnt hear anything..didnt expect to really.
Saw him today and he was just normal and pleasant but he didnt mention it.
Im glad i did it - for the sake of never having regrets...

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leenasmom · 11/12/2008 15:36

hi i just saw your post today and am glad that you did write that letter... i'm a second generation british asian and the dynamics of our home life are similar to yours though we even as kids were very close to our father..we always kissed our parents good night and when we were older would still do that on entering the house... i had problems with my mom as was a bit of a rebel for her not the typical asian daughter she expected but i was like that because of my dad who encouraged me to be independent and never held me back... you grow up and look back as you did of your father i did the same about my mother..on losing my father through a long illness it actually brought me and my mom closer and we are now best friends... this is the reason i had to post as i missed my dad and though we were close when i was a kid when i got older and moved out im sure he missed my companionship and i didnt get to actually tell him that he was a great dad just hope he knew that.
hope you do find a friend in ur mom too... as i have after a battling relationship..

vannah · 16/12/2008 21:12

thankyou for that post leenasmom, sorry you have lost your dad. I think I should try to find the courage to thank my mum too, she has been very good at times, just very turbulent relationship...no need to write a letter there though.

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leenasmom · 17/12/2008 01:30

tiny steps @ vannah regarding mom-as for the bro (been there with the siblings) agian the asian culture-son can do no wrong...blah blah...dont let him come between you and mom...asian women of the older generation tend to mirror views of the males around them be it hubby or son... i think that is why you feel they both are against you... a mom is a mom as i assume u are now she loves you but probably can't /doesnt know how to show it...that is where us new brit/asians are different both my dc KNOW i love them because i TELL them- every day -even when they are driving me up the wall(have marks size of tyre skids on walls)...

suMadre · 11/03/2009 14:19

Im sorry I know this thread is old but I just thought Id post as it touched me...I am muslim but not asian...but married to a british asian...and I understand completely were u are coming from...dh has similar issues with his family but is in denial about it and is only coming to terms with it now that he sees it from outside. He likes to think his family are the perfect muslims and culture doesnt come into it at all...bt as a white muslim I can see the difference and I feel for him bcos the communication issues and the whole "respect" non affection thing does hurt...especially when his mum uses emotional blackmail on him as the eldest son. It even affects us now as we have our own ds and one on the way - and are being blanked by the family over something silly. Vannah Im so glad you wrote the letter to your dad and lol u knew he wouldnt comment but Im sure it meant a lot to him.My m.i.l. dindt show up for mine and dhs nikkah...I didnt know why r what was going on and I think dh was confused too...there was no communication at all and I felt the only thing I could do was write a letter to his mum...so I did...it really helped smoothe things over and help them understand where I was coming from and that I didnt understand why they were angry...after when we went to visit...she was welcoming but never mentioned the letter...it obviously made a huge difference.To this day Im unsure why they were angry...bcos dh picked his own wife...bcos Im not frm their country...bcos Im white...or bcos she felt threatened at "losing" her eldest & most helpful lol son. Ur dad sounds very sweet and Im sure he knew (even without the letter) how much u love him. Im sure ur mum loves u too eventhough she appears cold...I still dont understand it myself...dh says he always knew he was loved eventho it was never said or shown...and his father was militant...Ithink Ive made the mistake of trying to get them to know me and like me...when I should be playing the respect game...

vannah · 11/03/2009 21:55

thanks for that post sumadre. Really interesting your story and about the letter you wrote. Must be hard for you to understand this culture and all the family politics. It is so difficult, but if its any consolation, my m.i.l is from another background and is not at all religious, and she is white, yet we have all the same hostility issues etc.
Families...sigh

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suMadre · 12/03/2009 08:46

yeah I thnk the problem is dh doesnt undrstnd the family politics and keeps putting his foot in it..no family is perfect & a lot of ppl hav probs with inlaws but when theres miscommunication it makes t frustrating as dnt even knw what is the rght thing2do r wot d problem is.Im lucky n that hs family r good people..hope tings not 2 bd wth ur m.i.l.

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