Christian views on separation/divorce in a (probably) abusive relationship

[littlemissworry]

Have posted about my relationship elsewhere but I could do with some Christian advice on where I go from here. There has been abuse in my nearly 10-year marriage (he has thrown a book at me [in front of ds1]; caved in the top of a rubbish bin; dented the wall by throwing something; he has, in the past, put pressure on me for sex and on occasions if I have been upset continued; he has sworn around me and dc when in a rage; lost temper in school meeting, Relate meeting). I have always said that marriage is for life but with all that has gone by I do not love him anymore and at the age of only 34 don't want to spend my life in an unhappy marriage. I'm sure I have been very angry at times and really shouted the odds at him which makes me feel bad, but I don't think I have been abusive towards him. I have very low self-esteem and we should not have got married when we did. I was unhappy at work and not best well mentally. He wanted the marriage to go ahead fairly quickly, for various reasons, and being young and naive I got caught up in it all. Please help - I am worried that if eventually I do get a divorce this will be the wrong thing to do by my Christian beliefs.

In the case of one of the couple committing adultery/fornication which leads to divorce, a christian is then permitted to remarry.

My friend is of the opinion that it's just a matter of time before she has a "scriptural" divorce, as her husband doesn't share her beliefs.

However, it is always up to the individual to decide what they want to do, as we do have free will.

Just reading more of the online version of the book:

We will look at the Scripture verses about a subsequent marriage in this text. We can also see this in the companion volume, Remarriage is Not Adultery. We will find support for the fact that a second marriage is never regarded to be sin, nor should anyone forbid marriage to anyone, including those who are divorced.

My position on this subject, if I were to summarise it the way that House does, would be to say:
? No Divorce for any reason. (Except I would object to the word 'divorce' and replace it with 'ending a marriage.')
? Remarriage under only one circumstance - repentance.

I think I should explain what I mean about this. Despite what various scholars say about it, first of all divorce is not sin, it is the result of sin - always. This is exactly the same as death. There is no sin called ?death? but death is always the result of sin. Based on this, since God established marriage to continue forever there is no divorce that is not the result of sin. Therefore there is no such thing as a righteously achieved divorce. As such, anyone who says that a divorce can be godly or ungodly is not facing reality. It would be like saying death is godly or ungodly, or the results of sin are godly or ungodly. I will explain that later in this text.

No matter why the divorce happened, even if it was the terrible sin of one of the partners, if that partner completes the full four steps of repentance as shown in this text, the sin is forgiven. If the marriage is over, the partners are not to be prevented from marrying again. If the problems that led to the demise of the first marriage have not been solved it is unwise to get married again until that has been dealt with. However, the most that others should do if the person has not overcome the problems that caused the prior divorce, is to advise against another marriage.

I think the marriage is probably already broken, from my point of view anyway. He has tried harder this last year, but when I told him I was unhappy the other day he became quite hostile, and since I have been living at my parents, he hasn't asked how either me or dc are doing (despite me asking him). My biggest problem this last year has been sex with him. He did not respect me in the early years of our marriage and at one point carried on when I said no (albeit for a short time, he wanted to 'finish') and on a few occasions when I was crying (and I think he knew). He then wanted to know when it was going to be happening even now he now says there is no pressure, but I still feel it is there as if I say 'not tonight', he'll say 'fine, later in the week is ok, or early next week', making me feel I have to go along with him soon, even if I have no desire (I have ocd and am on antidepressants and have had a tough time with ds2). He also asks 'when is your period' so I do feel this unspoken pressure is there. When ds2 had appointments at the hospital my mum had to come to most of them with me rather than him and it was such an important time. I know he had meetings at work (he is self-employed as well as working for the church) but he didn't make any effort to rearrange any of them and I would have hoped he would have made every effort to support me and ds at that time.

Oh that is so true - as a parishioner said to me not long ago 'your husband is a true gent and there's not many of those left'. Mmmm, if only they knew.

Doesn't sound like he sound be leading a flock either if he is treating you in this manner. Glad to hear that you are staying at your parents.

Don't let what other people think swerve you from what you decide to do. It will be hard, but it's your life and your DS's, you have the right to do as you wish with it. Like you say, the don't know what goes on in your house, only you do and they have no right to comment.

I take it you know about broken rites?

I agree with you all about ministers. My Grandad is an Elim pastor and everyone thinks he is so wonderful! I used to be the only one who didn't like him, I think my brother tolerated him and my sister thinks he's wonderful and she can't do any wrong in his eyes. Mum is starting to distance herself with him as she is starting to see what he is like and feels he pushed her into doing things when we were children she probably wouldn't have done otherwise.

He's a good guy, not like LMW's husband, but he wasn't the same man with me that he is with his congregation (I don't think he knows what to do with my independence)

Thank you for all your messages of support. I have to go now but I will keep thinking and praying this through and come and chat some more another time.

Have just looked at broken rites - thanks for that. It looks very helpful .

please read a book on marriage, divorce and remarry by Kenneth Hagin, he put a lot of things into perspective regarding these issues and violence. ive been through it and i know what you are going through, please endeavour to read the book. God bless