Christian views on separation/divorce in a (probably) abusive relationship

[littlemissworry]

Have posted about my relationship elsewhere but I could do with some Christian advice on where I go from here. There has been abuse in my nearly 10-year marriage (he has thrown a book at me [in front of ds1]; caved in the top of a rubbish bin; dented the wall by throwing something; he has, in the past, put pressure on me for sex and on occasions if I have been upset continued; he has sworn around me and dc when in a rage; lost temper in school meeting, Relate meeting). I have always said that marriage is for life but with all that has gone by I do not love him anymore and at the age of only 34 don't want to spend my life in an unhappy marriage. I'm sure I have been very angry at times and really shouted the odds at him which makes me feel bad, but I don't think I have been abusive towards him. I have very low self-esteem and we should not have got married when we did. I was unhappy at work and not best well mentally. He wanted the marriage to go ahead fairly quickly, for various reasons, and being young and naive I got caught up in it all. Please help - I am worried that if eventually I do get a divorce this will be the wrong thing to do by my Christian beliefs.

I am not a Christian, but surely if there is violence/aggression in a relationship no religion can expect to stay, can it?

{{{{Littlemissworry}}}}}

Would your dh think about anger management sessions? Istm from what you've said that anger might be the issue.

You need to search your own soul, and ask yourself if really truly you can live with him for the rest of your life, nad if you want your dc growing up living with him. Yes, miracles do happen and people can change remarkably, but (IMHO anyway) you need to be realistic and juts as you can't marry someone thinking "I'll change him", you can't change him once you're married either.

Are you able to talk realistically and clear-headedly to him and say "Listen, this is what I'm thinking..."? If he can acknowledge his issues (and also if you can own up to anything you need to sort out in your own heart and mind) then that might be a lihgt at the end of the tunnel.

Atb - I will certainly pray for you. Remember that God loves you, and your dh, so much. He is your father, and he will hold you gently in his arms of love if you let him.

Thank you Roseylea. He is very difficult to talk to and can become quite hostile in his approach. He says he'll have anger management, but I'm not sure he totally believes he has a problem atm. My worry is that divorce is wrong in the eyes of God and I should stick with this marriage come what may, even though I'm not happy.

My aunt stayed with her abusive partner becuase she had "made her vows for life".
When he died at age 75 she rejoiced, which I said was not very Christian, and she had to agree.

My dad told her years before that as he had broken his vows so flagrantly then it was effectively over, why was she clinging to hers?

It depends whether you consider Christian "duty" to be more important than the idea of giving and recieving love. Personally I think the love and compassion aspect in relationships is paramount and although I would feel compassion for your husband, for the love of the children and yourself I would say leave. Then you have the chance of raising children within a loving environment, not one filled with anger and no love.

I do agree that it is important to raise children in an environment where love is abundant. I know that ds2 has (probably) suffered as he has attachment difficulties and a very strong bond with me. Why do I keep blaming myself for all that has gone on, thinking I have provoked husband?

My view as a Catholic Christian would be that God would not want you to stay in an abusive relationship. If you have tried to resolve things by suggesting/going to counselling and that hasn't worked, I think it would be very difficult to question why you would stay in such an unhealthy relationship. You also need to think about what is best for your dc. Sometimes it is more harmful for them to be around an unhealthy relationship.

This must be very difficult for you so feel free to keep posting if you think it will help.

No amount of provocation (and in any case there has most likely been none) deserves the behaviours that you describe him as demonstrating so please do not blame yourself.

These behaviours are an abuse of power to someone who is percieved as powerless.
Jesus had some strong views on the weak being abused by the strong, and was not in favour of it.

I would say that a divorce is not the thing that would sadden God, the fact that this man has been abusive to you would. He has broken his vows to you. Any action you take to end the marriage is a result of his appalling behaviour.
I know our vicar is happy to marry people who have been divorced from abusive relationships and I think this is the case across the country.
for you that you are facing this.

littlemissworry, is your husband a Christian? Do you go to a supportive church? I think that you are right on all counts so far.

God does hate divorce. But He loves you more than anything! This is the sort of thing that (if you are in a supportive church) your church leaders could really help you with. Supportive advice for you, and accountability for your DH.

I think that God can turn around any situation. But it takes faith, hard work and determination on BOTH parts. You say that you are not happy, and that you don't love him any more. This indicates to me that you did, once, love him?

Only you can make a decision, and you will need to be strong, whichever one you make. But if it was me, with your beliefs, I would want to know that I had given my DH the opportunity to turn things around before walking away.

Please be kind to yourself, whatever you do .

This is all very helpful - thankyou. lou031205, you asked if my husband is a Christian. He is an ordained priest in the C of E!!

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There is a really good Christian book called Divorce is not the Unforgivable Sin (I have a signed copy cause I know the author and he gave it me when I was visiting him just after my separation).

One thing I like in it is this:

"We must be accurate about defining the ?end? of a marriage. The marriage does not end in the court room when the judge issues a decree absolute. That's just the paperwork recording the situation that has already happened. I'm sure most judges, perhaps with a heavy heart even, realise they are not ending the marriage, they are merely pronouncing that the marriage has ended, much like a coroner pronouncing that someone is dead. He's not killing them. He's just recognising what has already happened."

There's a lot of really good stuff in there, I wish I had my copy here (it's at Mum's) as I would know bits I would like to quote for you.

I had a conversation with God after my separation when I was still in a bad place, it went like this:

Does your Mum love you?
Yes, of course she does.
Do you see how she is hurting for you?
Yes.
Well, I'm your Dad and I love you many times more than your Mum does and I hurt for you far more than she ever could.

Oh, that's lovely TinkerBellesMum. Thank you for the advice and all that you say is true. I will try and get hold of a copy of the book.

littlemissworry - I don't know too much about CofE - I am in the free church - but I imagine that makes the decision all the harder for you. Please find a strong Christian that you can trust to confide in - this is so important for your future, that you can't rely on an internet chat forum for answers (in my sincere and honest opinion). God has a way for you x

I have a friend who I can discuss this with who is a strong Christian (also ordained in C of E) - she knows husband and thinks he has an unreasonable temper and is dominant. I will talk to her more.

Yes, God does hate divorce, because He knows how much it hurts and He doesn't want us to go through it.

I'm glad you have a good friend in RL to talk to - do, I'm sure she would rather you talked to her than struggled on alone. Stay strong and keep posting if it helps.

Yes, I'm going to ring her this evening and chat things through. I worry because some of this goes back years and perhaps I am wrong in 'raking it up', but it has caused hurt and affected my feelings for him.

Doesn't matter when - if it's still affecting you and your relationship, it needs to be dealt with. Hope your chat with her this evening helps. x

But it's not raking it up if it's still happening, it's just been going on for years.

If you email David (who wrote the book) I'm sure he would be willing to correspond with you. He came from an abusive marriage and the book came out of him struggling with the attitudes of Christians around him and what he had always believed about divorce. He decided to investigate for himself what it really says in the Bible.

littlemissworry your DH doesn't sound like a very good christian if he is abusing you.

For goodness sake can you not see for yourself that the best thing to do is leave this man?

LML I'm sorry that you are facing this decision. A friend recently went through the same thing, with an abusive husband and having a christian view of marriage. She found this information very useful, I hope that you do as well:

GROUNDS FOR SEPARATION

Are there situations that may justify separation or possibly divorce from a marriage mate even if that one has not committed fornication? Yes, but in such a case, a Christian is not free to pursue a third party with a view to remarriage. (Matthew 5:32) The Bible, while making allowances for such separation, stipulates that the one departing should ?remain unmarried or else make up again.? (1 Corinthians 7:11) What are some extreme situations that may make a separation seem advisable?

Well, the family may become destitute because of the gross laziness and bad habits of the husband. He may gamble away the family?s income or use it to support an addiction to drugs or alcohol. The Bible states: ?If anyone does not provide for . . . members of his household, he has disowned the faith and is worse than a person without faith.? (1 Timothy 5:8) If such a man refuses to change his ways, perhaps even financing his vices by taking money that his wife earns, the wife may choose to protect her welfare and that of her children by obtaining a legal separation.

Such legal action may also be considered if a spouse is extremely violent toward the partner, perhaps repeatedly beating that one to the extent that health and even life are in danger. Additionally, if a spouse constantly tries to force a marriage mate to break God?s commands in some way, the threatened mate may also consider separation, especially if matters reach the point where spiritual life is endangered. The partner at risk may conclude that the only way to ?obey God as ruler rather than men? is to obtain a legal separation.?Acts 5:29.

In all cases of extreme spousal abuse, no one should put pressure on the innocent mate either to separate or to stay with the other. While mature friends and elders may offer support and Bible-based counsel, these cannot know all the details of what goes on between a husband and wife. Only God can see that. Of course, a Christian wife would not be honoring God?s marriage arrangement if she used flimsy excuses to get out of a marriage. But if an extremely dangerous situation persists, no one should criticize her if she chooses to separate. Exactly the same things could be said concerning a Christian husband who seeks separation. ?We shall all stand before the judgment seat of God.??Romans 14:10.

My friend is now setup on her own with her kids, doing well. Unfortunately not everyone in her congregation supported her, but she had enough support to get out, and start a new life. She made the right decision for her family. I hope you find the support you need also when you make your decision, whatever that may be.

Sorry, I disagree that Christians aren't permitted to remarry. That makes divorce unforgivable and The Bible clearly states that only one sin is unforgivable.

I nearly walked away from my faith because of those responses from people. I was in my early 20s and thought if my life is over if I stay then I'd rather walk away.

Another quote from the book:

Marriage was originally created to have no end to it. As such any marriage that has an end is the result of sin. This applied whether it is due to divorce, permanent separation, or death. It is not so much that these three situations in themselves are sin, but the reasons they take place are because of sin.