Death to a 4 year old....

[adorabelle]

Hi there, I would appriciate any advice as I'm at a bit of a loss.

My Nan is dying. I have a 4yr old daughter who is very close to my nan, her grandma. Shes going to be going through chemotherapy, and as she is not a fit & healthy lady (is 70 but has chronic emphysema& isn't in good health) I'm not sure how long we're going to have her with us.

My dd has expressed quite alot of distress of her Grandma being ill. She very cluey & will take everything in,she knows my nan is pretty ill even though we've tried to shelter her from how ill.

What should I, do I tell her, without sending her to bed with nightmares. Many Thanks x

I am sorry to hear about your Nan, Adorabella. Can we (on the Christian Prayer thread) pray for you all?

I think you can let your daughter lead the way a lot in what you tell her. My Ds1 lost his Grandad when he was 2.5. He too was a very clued up little boy, with very advanced language skills at the time, though a little younger and so not up to processing it all. It was very interesting watching how he dealt with it all. He talked less about Grandad than he did about most things, but asked a few questions and thought a lot. I didn't push him, but didn't avoid talking about Grandad when he came up in conversation either. Then after about six months, when he was ready, the floodgates opened and he asked a hundred questions.

It does help a lot that we are Christians and I have very clear beliefs about what death involves and where Grandad is now. IME children are very comfortable with the idea of heaven, but want to know quite a lot about it. If you don't have clear beliefs, it might be worth exploring what others believe, so that you can say to your dd, confidently/honestly,
" Many people believe that . . . but I am not sure. What do you think?"

One practical thing I have read is to never tell children that dying is like going to sleep. That can lead to a lot of fear at bedtime.

HTH. Thinking of you.

Bumping for you, as these threads don't usually go unanswered. How are you all?

I have a 4 year old too. I recently had 2 miscarriages and since he knew I was pregnant, I explained to him that the baby was not there any more because God had called him and was now looking after him very well. Every now and then I tell him about some of the relatives who have gone before us. I think he knows there is Here and there is Heaven, and I always try to put it in a way that it sounds like a very good place, where our loving God is a father to everyone. And since that is what I believe, I hope he will believe it too

I have been answering my 4 year old DD`s questions for 7 weeks now after my husband died. She watched him from the age of 2.5 go through cycles of chemo and radiotherapy and become disabled through it. Throughout we simply and clearly told her that Daddy was poorly and needed special medicine. She came into his hospital room on the day we were told he was going to die and I simply told her that Daddy was going to die and would not be coming back and that she would not be able to see him again. Excrutiating to say but very clear words. She understood entirely and said goodbye and put a picture on his tummy and walked out of the room to a relative. She was told he has gone to heaven and that he is looking down on her and wants her to be happy. She is asking alot of questions about how he got there but does understand he is not coming back. I told her his body was poorly and could not work any more. Don't mention new bodies in heaven though!

i think shes old enough to understand that nanny is getting very tired and soon she will have a big rest with jesus and just bcos we cant see her doesnt mean shes not with us anymore.

i told my ds that god loves us so much he can make poorly bodies better.

onlytheone im sorry xx